Today's Verse: Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." (NKJV)

Direction is the word I received from this passage today. I had to go to the NKJV to find this wording. The NIV says that God will make our paths straight, but that imparts a completely differnent meaning to me. (Amazing how one holy book can have such differentiation...)

To me, I read the NIV and think about God taking the chaos of my life and ironing it all out. Taking away all the uncertainty, change, self-doubt, and voila -- just getting rid of it. Without these things that make me stagger around like toddler in her mothers heels, my paths will finally be straight. But I don't buy into that explanation.

I like the NKJV because it doesn't guarantee that straigtness of path. Instead, I hear God saying, "If you trust me with your heart, your life, your future, I will point you in the direction in which I know you need to go. There are no guarantees about straightness of path, bumpiness, or possible detours. But it's still the right direction to get you where you need to go, which is back to Me."

I began my day with a headache, again, as per usual it would seem. I woke up with an agitated spirit, an uneasiness that waxes and wanes within me like the cycles of the moon. (And no, S4J, I'm not PMSing! Haha!!) Someone described me yesterday as being "needy" in regards to a hypothetical situation, and the result of this conversation left me reeling in many ways. Some Most of you have never met me in person (man, I feel sorry for you!!! Haha, just kidding... sort of...), but if you've read many of my blogs, I'm a fairly independent person. Yes, I do accept help from others when I feel it's necessary or would benefit my mental health. But by-and-large, the word "needy" is not the first thing that comes to mind when I think about my personality traits.

This whole "needy" thing is not really necessary for you all to know, but it spurred me, once again, to consider the path that my life is on, if, in fact, it is even on one. I'm the kind of person that is passionate and driven most of the time, but am also wracked with self-doubt and lack of confidence at times. I see a million things I need to do, ways to improve the kind of mother that I am, the constant uncertainty of my future, and it makes me feel so trapped. And then, like the Casting Crows song, "Voice of Truth," says, I hear the voice of Jesus singing over me and can step out of that mire long enough to hear this encouraging word. As usual, I needed that boost in the "trust" and "faith" department.

Like most people in my age range, we feel like we have to have a sense of direction for our lives. Some women feel like they have to check off the "career" box before they can even entertain the thought of marriage or children. Others believe their career is to be in the home caring for their family. Men are expected to have ambition, drive, and goals, and those who gravitate back toward the womb and live out of their parents' basement are looked at as having no direction in their lives. We've got to be going somewhere, improving ourselves, preparing for retirement while we are still young enough to work ourselves to death. Our jobs, be they in or out of the home, domestic or otherwise, socially define us as who we are. Try telling a man you meet in a bar or on a blind date what you do for a living when you're a stay-at-home mom. It's a tough pill to swallow, not because I'm ashamed of it, but because of what everyone else's perception is of me.

Direction. How do we know if we're headed in the right one? There's a delicate balance for a modern Christian between praying and laying back, expecting God to pull off something fabulous, and "taking life by the horns" and doing it your way, which can be disatrous. I long for the days when my kids were infants. You had direction then: eat, sleep, poop. Now that my life has changed so much, I feel like I'm walking down that path in "Alice in Wonderland," where those weird animals are erasing the path Alice is walking on. Pretty soon, she's lost in the woods, looking around like, "Crap -- now where do I go?!?"

Alice didn't have her Bible with her, otherwise maybe she would've read this verse and not panicked so much. I need to put this verse in front of my face on a daily basis. I know this condition of my life won't change overnight, and verses like this give me hope that I'm doing the right thing. And even if I'm not, God does give second chances; it's never too late to change directions in that respect.

Direction, LORD, is what I need right now...