On The Road Again

I'm sitting in my kitchen in Virginia, feeding the baby a snack that I hope will appease the savage beastie until lunch comes out of the oven.  We are on our umpty-jillionth snow day this school year, and while I rather enjoy having my husband home from work and all of the kids home to snuggle down on days like today, it's different this time.  Watching the birds jockey for seeds at the bird feeder outside my kitchen window is usually a beautiful distraction for me, but my mind is a million miles away and my hungry stomach isn't in knots yet, but it's getting there.  I'm hoping and praying that tomorrow goes off without a hitch, but I'm skeptical and I know I need to pray about it...

We had been preparing for my husband to deploy and instead were given the news that he has papillary carcinoma -- thyroid cancer.  There --  I said it.  The dreaded "C" word.  Cancer.  I add it to "widow" in the lengthing list of adjectives and nouns that are now associated with my life story.

We got the diagnosis on 18 FEB.  Our world was so happy and plugging right along when the word "cancer" came along and kicked us in the collective face.  And what's more is that everyone keeps telling us that this is the "good cancer to have."  (Sorry for the prolific use of quotation marks today.) That the 20 year cure rate is 99%.  That R will undergo a very common, routine procedure, followed by a treatment with irradiated iodine, and that he will more or less be as good as new.  You know what?  The doctors in the ER on 29 NOV 2005 told me that T didn't have life-threatening injuries and that he would likely have a hospital stay and then come home.  Only he died the next day.

I know my tone is angry, irritable, anxious.  It's the first time I've really allowed myself to step a toe on this path.  I struggle with anxiety a lot, the truth be told.  But what I am seeing is God showing up in ways that are now, as they were when T died, nothing short of miraculous.  I am experiencing God's presence and power in ways I've never experienced them before, and we haven't even stepped foot in a surgical ward yet.  The more I pray and focus on this, the more the anxiety melts away and I see this situation for what it really is:  an opportunity.

It's an opportunity for God to receive glory.  For God to demonstrate the power and might and grace that only God possesses.  For lives to be touched.  For veils to be removed and sight to be given to the blind.  For God to pursue me in the middle of this storm, reach out a hand to me once again, and guide me down the only safe path through a field of land mines, making sure I put my feet directly into God's footprints.

So, Lord, here we are together, on the road again.

Backpacking Through Joshua: Week Two

I feel like I've waited until the eleventh hour to post this week, which is completely different from my involvement in Week One. I still have the enthusiasm to be involved, but between some traveling, kids being sick, and snow days, it has been near impossible to wipe my nose without someone needing something from me, much less sit down to really concentrate on what I've read and the questions posed for Week Two.

That being said, Week Two has been "weird" for me.

In a stunt very much unlike me, I have held off reading any other comments or postings from this week until I had time to pen my own. I get a lot out of hearing from others about how they reacted to a text, something they've experienced, or just thoughts in general about the subject matter, but this week I wanted to have my own pure, uninfluenced opinion hammered out before I engaged in any conversation.

Why is this such a big deal? Perhaps because I can see a lot of vulnerability in these questions. I spoke with a fellow student earlier about how I've been wrestling with this week's assignment and the questions because I cannot answer them in a way that isn't authentically "me" and feel good about my post. I also feel that this is a loaded area of Christian spirituality and application that has potential to cause polarity within groups of relatively like-minded people, and I have been on the receiving end of barbs tipped with points charged with scripture and emotion in regards to this area. I'm not really sure I want to open my mouth and get this started again.

But, warts and all, I am who I am. I am committed to putting things out there and wrestling with them fairly publicly, but I want any readers to know up front that these are my personal feelings and how I understand God to have been moving in my life. None of what I write here necessarily applies to others as a blanket statement, and what I think and how I understand God's instructions for me is constantly evolving over my lifetime. I am now and will always be a work in progress. If you are extremely conservative, fundamental, messianic, or some other group who has a very narrow interpretation of scripture, you might not like what you read here. Again, this is about me, coming from my perspective, and not meant to be condemning to others. If you read past here, don't say you weren't warned!

...hello... is anyone still out there?...

OK. I'm really not a monster or a spiritual freak of nature. Just know that I am the way I am. Now, let's move on!

First thing I want to say about Joshua 2 is that it was anticlimactic to me. I read this in both NKJV and NRSV and felt like there was an entire Hollywood movie that I missed. I think there was a lot of action going on that, for whatever reason, the author was not inspired by God to include. Bummer. However, what was there has really got my wheels turning.

Question: Why did the Israelite spies go to Rahab? Had they popped in for a quickie and got caught with their pants down? (Man, I crack myself up... that's really supposed to be OT humor, but I digress.) Seriously, though, why Rahab? Several resources say that she was conveniently located seeing as she lived along the wall near the gate. Has anyone ever been near a red light district or at least heard of them? Seen ladies sitting in the windows calling down to Johns? Of course she lived on the wall -- that was prime real estate for her. Location, location, location. Why Rahab and not some other madam? Why not a man, just some average guy who might help them out? Did they rush in because she sensed they were in danger, or were they already there for other reasons when things got dicey? The commentary in my NRSV Bible, The New Oxford Annotated Bible, says that it's not clear how they came to be there, but there is an innuendo or suggestion that it might've been for sexual favors. Furthermore, the Israelite camp from which they came was infamous for being where Israelite men met with Moabite women for "extracurricular activities," so we may never really know. (Interesting sidenote: they did not go on to complete the mission that Joshua sent them on but rather took Rahab's advice about hiding.) What is the point? The point is that God has in the past and continues today to do amazing things through some of the most unlikely people, and I personally believe that is "why Rahab". Does it irritate me that these men might've been there off task from their mission? Yes. Does even that keep God's will from being accomplished in the long run. No, praise the LORD. And not a one of those men (or woman) is more sinful than me, so case closed.

I love how God chose someone like Rahab to be involved in this drama. In the grand scheme of things, this was only one of many, many times there would be important battles fought, land conquered, and so on, but for some reason, she was important to have in the picture. We hear her mentioned in Hebrews 11:31, the only female mentioned by name in the litany of faithful believers listed to illustrate the point of living a faithful life, knowing that Jesus holds our reward at the finish line in heaven. She is also one of only four women listed in the lineage of Jesus in Matthew 1, which is a big deal scripturally speaking. So for some reason, we are meant to notice this woman and how God worked through her.

But still this contribution to the historical drama of Israel seems tiny; again, why is this one incident such a big deal? And clearly this woman was not a Christian. She talks about how all the Caananites hearts melted when they heard about what God's people had been able to do and begs for mercy because she knows which side is the right one to be on in this situation. She was a nonbeliever who acted in faith on what she knew about God, and it was accorded to her as righteousness in the annals of history... Hmm... interesting...

Then the questions for this week take a completely different turn because they talk about witnessing our faith through actions and living a life consistent with what we say we believe. I tried focusing on the word study for "worthy," but those of you who have heard me rant about certain words that are overused in reference to God will understand that I kinda petered out on that task. HisGirl mercifully helped me find an appropriate synonym, deserving. And as much as I prefer that word now, it's still kind of a no-brainer for me. Of course God is deserving of our love and adoration, deserving of a people who will be faithful to God's teachings, deserving of praise and thanks, and so on, ad infinitum.

Since this post is already long, I will cut right to the "Putting It Out There" Q&A:

1) Have you ever been influenced in either a positive or negative way concerning your relationship with Jesus? How does this influence your behaviour now?

2) How much responsibility do you think Christians have to live a particular way?

OK, ready or not, here I come...

1) In general, I'm going to say most of my influences have been positive. The first two people I think of are my mother and grandmother, giants in the faith in my life who are part of the reason I am who I am today and have exposed me to the love of Christ since I could probably understand my own name. There are countless others who have influenced me not by preaching or teaching, but by being examples to me of what it means to apply Christian beliefs into everyday living. These were not people who pontificated about alcohol or premarital sex. They were hard working, loving people who treated you like you were a Christian brother or sister, whether or not you really were. I think of the words, "kind," "gentle," and "compassionate" when I think about these people. There have been so many other precious friends along the way who have taught me so much about who God is and how to be open and receptive to a bona fide relationship with Christ that I know I would still be in the depths of despair were it not for these God-chosen, God-placed friendships. To list them all could take pages and pages, and I feel so blessed to be able to say that.

There have been a couple of negative influences along the way, of course. I think some of the experiences I've had, even fleeting ones, with extremely evangelical, conservative, fundamental churches or denominations have really hardened my heart toward many other Christians, which I find so sad and I know is not good. I hate that I feel that way, but if I'm really honest with myself, it's truly how I feel. The way I have seen scripture-based "righteous" hatred being handed out like tracts in an airport makes me angry and sick and, quite frankly, don't see how this conveys the love of Christ to anyone. It brings to mind the words in I John 4, especially vv. 11-12: "Beloved, since God loved us so much, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us." Another influence for better or worse was actually one that I never saw coming. Going through my two year training to be a parish lay minister exposed me to a lot of behind-the-scenes type church stuff as well as a lot of academic focus on faith, scripture and history. While this has opened up so many avenues of contemplation for me, it has almost crippled me as well. Sometimes I find myself longing for the day when I would read something, take it at face value, and have such a simple, unadulterated faith. I wish I could go back to that but I can't. It's like trying to pretend you never heard the truth about the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus. It has jaded me on some things but actually strengthened my core beliefs (I think) in some ways, so I guess that's been a mixed blessing.

Lastly, being married to a man who has vastly different religious, well, opinions (don't think he would call them beliefs) has been one of those positive and negative influences as well. To most Christians, they would say, "Yes, unequally yoked backslider, tell us more about this. Of course this is negative. You think there's something positive here? Sure, why don't you go ahead and share that???" OK, I will. Positives: In conversations where he has really put me to the test to articulate what I believe or what God says about certain things, there were many times when I knew what I wanted to say but lacked the right way to express it. Not being one to lay down a white flag or let someone else claim conversational victory (yes, I admit this is a huge, sinful pride issue at work here), these conversations really forced me to take a hard look at things and find answers for these questions that I could say that I believed 100%. If anything, he has inadvertently strengthened my resolve and helped me to get down to the basics of what/how I believe. Also, despite his feelings being so completely differently from mine, we all still attend church together, prayers and devotions are still done with the kids, and he openly supports decisions I have made about where to attend church, how I want to be involved (or the kids), and so on. I may be the one leading the march in the family, but he has always been committed to supporting me and has been unwavering on this, which blesses my heart so much. My late husband, a baptized Christian, was not near as supportive in this department, and while he had a deep, abiding faith that really amazed me at times, this was an area of that relationship which was neglected or even strongly discouraged, which I found oppressive emotionally. I finally feel like I have the freedom to respond to God's call without fear of reprimand or resentment, which is such a huge relief.

Negatives: I hate that I do not have a faith partner in him. There are many ways in which we struggle to understand each other because we are so different in how we function spiritually. HisGirl said that she really doesn't have anything in common with nonbelievers. On a certain level I can agree with that in my life, but I cannot agree 100%. I find that I have plenty in common with my husband (and other nonbelievers); however, when I try to see things through their eyes sometimes, I feel like we speak different languages. Something is lost in translation and I will never in a million years be able to wrap my mind about how they go about things or react to situations. I do not like that I cannot pray with him, nor can I ask him to pray for me. Oh, I pray for him constantly. Actually I've been praying for him for years before I even met him, but that's a different story altogether. If I was on my deathbed and I asked him to pray for me, would he? Maybe. I know he would tell me whatever I needed to hear to give me peace, but I don't know if he would follow through. If I was going through a cancer treatment and was scared to death and asked him to pray for me? Probably not, because he would tell you that God has nothing to do with the strength in my resolve to beat the disease and the amazing medical care I would receive. I hate that he will never understand me on a spiritual-cellular level because he just doesn't share my beliefs and these things are just as odd and foreign to him as he is to me in this area. Now, some of this could change with time. We dated for three years and then married in March 2010, so we are still relatively newlywed. Time -- and God -- will tell. In that I do have faith. I also have faith that this faith and belief given to me by God so that I can be a Christian servant of mankind cannot be taken away from me by the nonbelief of another human being. My husband, children, friends or neighbors could not remove this from my heart because to do so would be to disrupt the very DNA of who I am. I also do not believe foolishly that I can pray my husband into heaven or sway him into belief. My prayer is that God would continue to move in his life in real, tangible ways, just like God has so clearly moved in my life, and that my husband's heart would not be hardened to that experience and respond to God. If I truly believe in the power of prayer, that is the best way I can handle the situation.

2) I think you will have as many interpretations of this question and the "appropriate" answer as you have living, breathing humans who read it. My standard for living may exceed or be far inferior to that of other Christians. I almost don't know how to fairly answer this question. If you are a Christian and you cause others to work on the Sabbath, does that make you unobservant of the law? What about those who baptize infants? What about those denominations that rebaptize you when you join their church? What about people like me who marry someone whose faith is not identical to their own? What about Christians who consume caffeine or alcoholic beverages? Have had sex before marriage, even if was only with the person they ended up marrying?

I am reminded of one of the songs I learned in the Lutheran church as a child, "They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love." This song really captures the essence of living the Christian life for me. How will we be known? By the fruits we bear. By our love, by working side by side, by walking hand in hand. I strive to be one of those Christians who people will come up to and say, "What is it about you? There is something different about you, and I can't quite place it or wrap my mind around it..." I want people to see a flawed, real person who doesn't have the perfect marriage, perfect kids, or even a real idea of what she wants to be when she grows up but can say each and every day of her life that "the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new EVERY morning; GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS!!!" (Lamentations 3:22-23, emphasis mine). I want them to question, after all I've been through, how sick I am that I am still willing to stand up and proclaim that when the "normal" response would be to feel angry, bitter, self-righteous, etc. That is when the real conversation can begin on why I can say that, how I know Jesus personally, and to be able to share that kind of testimony with people is something that I consider a huge responsibility. To simply say that Christians must live a life that is consistent with what God says through the scriptures and to not do that is to not really be a Christian or is irresponsible, "unsaved" behaviour is a narrow view that I really question. I don't believe in tossing the Ten Commandments aside like they don't mean anything; however, I think my interpretation of how God wants me to conduct myself is a little different than some would appreciate, and trust me -- many just don't. I really don't want to slam how others feel that the Holy Spirit is leading them to focus and conduct their lives, but I really struggle with honoring opinions of others who use the blood of the Lamb as a line of demarcation in society.

Phew! That wasn't so bad, was it? :)

My favorite verse from Week Two: "For we have heard how the LORD dried up the water of the Red Sea before you when you came out of Egypt, and what you did to the two kings of the Amorites that were beyond the Jordan, to Sihon and Og, whom you utterly destroyed. As soon as we heard it, our hearts melted, and there there was no courage left in any of us because of you. The LORD your God is indeed God in heaven above and on earth below." -- Joshua 2:10-11

Backpacking Through Joshua -- Week One

So the much-awaited day has finally come! Today kicked off an in-depth online Bible study of the Book of Joshua written by HisGirl, "Backpacking Through Joshua". I quickly wolfed down my lunch, got my Bible, my handy-dandy four colored pen, and curled up on the couch for some time in the Word.

We are taking this chapter by chapter. I decided to use my NRSV (New Revised Standard Version) New Oxford Annotated Bible for this study. I froth with pure delight at the thought of how rich the Old Testament is, and this particular version was a useful resource during my parish lay ministry classes. It's almost as though you have the benefit of picking a seminarian's brain if you desire commentary and the ability to simply read sans the linguistic flourishes (thee, thou, mayest, etc.), and modern "spin" (i.e., The Message). Like taking Biblical text, washing it with soap and warm water, letting it air dry, and you've gotten any residue off that may cloud what you're seeing. What I plan on doing is reading through each week in my NRSV and then looking at it again through another version, probably NKJV (New King James Version) or NLT (New Living Translation). Personally I find it can be such a blessing to look at the same text through the lens of several translations, but for my inital read I'd like to keep it a little more academic. Because that's just how I roll.

So, I read through the introduction and devoured chapter one.

Now what?!?

That was too short! Anticlimactic!

Then again, I have this problem in life as a general rule. Rather than being more deliberate, letting things sink in, or pondering upon things, I seem to constantly in a state of hyper-stimulation, hence the "now what" mentality. What the good LORD has been trying to show me for years now is that I need to put on the brakes and coast a while. I love how HisGirl has been encouraging us to not feel pressured to sit down and do this all in one sitting; rather, we can work through this at a slower pace and truly ruminate over what the Holy Spirit wants us to take away from this time spent in the Word. Another word I find myself using a lot so far this year is savor: there are so many things I want to take the time to savor in my life, lest they slip by, precious days and experiences never to be had again. I want to savor these words and value every one of them, so I will resist the temptation to work ahead or be in a hurry.

ASKING GOD

Each week we will have several questions to ponder. This week's questions:

1) What does this passage tell me about Your character?

2) Is there anything keeping me from being able to do what You're calling me to do? In what area(s) can I improve? Observing the law? Meditating on the Word? Getting moving?

3) Do I truly believe God is faithful? Do I believe He will not fail me or forsake me? Does my behavior reflect this? Why or why not?

My responses:

1) As chapter one opens, God is speaking directly to Joshua. God gives him exact, direct instructions about what he is to do and how he is to do it. God reminds him of the promises made to Moses about providing a home land. This tells me that there will be times when God will speak clearly and directly in our lives. Furthermore, God reassures Joshua at least three times to be strong and courageous. This tell me that God is our number one fan, cheering us on and giving us the pep talk we need sometimes to get up and get going! Lastly, God reminds Joshua that God will be faithful to him. Just like a parent asking their child to jump to them in the pool, God reminding Joshua of God's solidarity and reliability in v. 5b. Some versions say that God will never leave or forsake; some say fail or abandon. Either way, God is clearly here to stay.

2) In which area can improve? Uh, hello -- ALL of them! The one I most readily see and to which I fully admit is meditating on the Word. I have not been involved in a Bible study -- a truly thirst-slaking, enriching delving into Scripture -- since my parish lay ministry studies, and then it was so cerebral and academic that it was almost, well, I won't say faith-shaking, but at times muddling or confusing. It was great stuff academically, but sometimes that is a fine line to walk, and it can have long-term effects on beliefs. I digress. I finally got back into PWOC, but it was more of a study of Christian living. The points were good in the study book, but I found less and less time to devote to proper study and it fell by the wayside. Maybe I'm also falling short on getting moving, as in getting motivated to be disciplined about being consistent and setting aside reading/study time. It's my prayer that the level of accountability with this study will aide me in working in this area.

3) In a word, yes, yes, and mostly yes. Now let's unpack this:

Basically, yes, I do believe that God is faithful. If you've read more than one post on this blog, you understand that I have personal experience with God in this category. When I step back from the timeline that is my life and look for God's fingerprints of faithfulness on it, I can clearly see them everywhere. But up close and on the day-to-day level, it's not always so easily to acknowledge. I feel like major scum admitting this "out loud," but I am trying to be completely transparent here. I struggled for days/weeks/months/maybe even years with this concept after T. died, and even occasionally since then. I need to remind myself to step back and look for those fingerprints of faithfulness more often and appreciate the regularity with which they occur. And be thankful.

Basically, yes, I do believe that God will not leave me or forsake me. For some reason this concept is much easier for me to accept. Even though it was hard to feel thrilled about what was supposed to be God's faithfulness even when life was fairly miserable, I never once doubted God's presence and knowledge of my life, my heart, my situation. Even in the depths of grief and bewilderment I never felt alone. True, there have been times when God felt farther away than others, but that was mostly on my part. I would withdraw and be distant, but God was still -- always -- there, waiting. Being patient. Not demanding of my love, my attention, my time. Just waiting. As my icy heart would thaw, I would finally seek God again, sometimes in relief and joy, sometimes tucking my tail between my legs in remorse. I may have left/forsaken/abandoned, but God never did that to me. Not once. Not even when I deserved it. That is such a sweet, humbling thought to me...

As far as my behavior goes, I said mostly yes but I couldn't say that absolutely for sure. I know how I feel deep down in the core of Me, and I know that core will not change. That makes it easy for me to say, Why certainly my life reflects this! Isn't it obvious?!?, when to the casual observer, or maybe even close friend, my life may seem completely incongruent to what I truly believe. I think for me, the times during which my behavior has appeared to lack in this area, my beliefs never changed, but trying to express those beliefs from a place of grief, confusion, overwhelmedness (is that even a word?), or stress has not been particularly successful for me. I know and believe that Satan preys on us in our weaknesses and at our lowest points, and we become very reactive. When you're in that state of being reactive, that does not really reflect a heart that knows God and trusts God to be faithful. That doesn't reflect a trust that God is the reliable One about whom we read in places like Joshua 1. This is a constant, daily gut check for me. I do believe I've moved to a place in my life (again) where I need to hear these things, and I am receptive of these promises and can truly appreciate the fact that I know from experience that they are true.

PUTTING IT OUT THERE

This last section is the part truly meant for discussion in the groups. Two questions:

1) What made you decide to join this adventure? What do you hope will come from the study?

2) In what ways have you found God to be faithful recently? If you have a hard time answering this, why do you think that is?

My responses:

1) I've sort of answered this already -- see answers to #2 and #3. Really, my life has been lacking this deep, meaty substance in the spiritual category. I don't want to just be labeled, "Christian," "Lutheran," "PWOCer," etc. Labels, like covers of books, can be deceiving and not truly represent what you find on the inside. Just like human relationships, I believe that a relationship with God takes a little work on our part -- we can't cultivate a relationship with someone unless we avail ourselves to them, and so it is with God. I'm at a time in my life where I need to restore this relationship a) because I know I need to and it's a priority to me, plain and simple, and b) because I believe, for me, that it is risky to take a single step in life without having the assurance of a relationship with my God.

2) There are any number of ways I could answer this. The absolute best way I have found recently will probably be one of my next blogs...

And so I wrap up my reflections on Week One. I cannot wait to see what this study has in store for myself and all of the other ladies who have committed to participate. I'm really looking forward to reading all of their reflections and responses to see the Holy Spirit working in their lives and wonder how some of their experience might impact my life at some point. Either way, this promises to be an exciting, insightful journey!

My favorite verse from this week: "...As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you." -- Joshua 1:5b

Looking Behind, Forward, and Within

So I meant to write a sort of "2010 in review" type blog on New Year's Eve, but things were crazy busy as we were preparing to have friends over to help us ring in 2011. I want to put 2010 on the shelf and open up the books on 2011, so let's take a stroll down Amnesia Lane, shall we?

LOOKING BEHIND -- 2010

1. Natural Disasters. 2010 was a hallmark year for Mother Nature, don't you think? The earthquake that hit Haiti almost a year ago is still big news as cholera and hurricanes pummel this forlorn place. There have been equally beautiful and disgusting stories that have emerged from Haiti, and I for one hope that God spares these people for a few generations. Wow.

Not too long after that we had other major earthquakes that threatened places like Hawai'i with tsunamis half a world away, that crazy volcano erupted in Iceland and threw air travel amuck, and then, as if Louisiana hasn't been smacked around enough, the Deepwater Horizon oil well began belching crude into the Gulf of Mexico. I don't think the human mind can actually comprehend numbers over about 100 or 200 sometimes. Just to think about the amount of water in the Gulf of Mexico is completely mind numbing, but to think about the volume of oil lost in the Gulf -- and the potential revenue at the gas pump -- also blows my cogs asunder. And as much as Hollywood loves to put depressing songs to video clips of oil-drenched pelicans and scold us for not being greener, I think the only people with a real grasp of what this oil spill really means for this ecosystem are the scientists. People, the real horror has probably not even yet begun.

2. H1N1. Remember when we were all worried about this? And all of a sudden there was a shortage of vaccines? I think the scariest part was the number of school aged children who actually died as a result of this virus. As a parent, it is so scary when your kids get something like a virus. You have to wait for some of these things to run their course, and I do not care for things I cannot control. Bud actually got H1N1, but we caught it in time and he did not develop some of the scary symptoms that others had. Close enough of a call for me!

3. Major sports events. Uh, were there Olympics last year? I remember, as a kid, this was such a big deal. I really don't remember this even being on last year. Apparently they were in Canada, which could explain it. I don't keep up much with Canada I guess. Add to that list the World Cup, which apparently took place in Africa. All I remember was people complaining about vuvuzelas and an octopus that was consistently picking the winners of matches. Guess I don't keep up with Africa, either.

4. Facebook. HELLO! This is something with which I have some knowledge! Finally! Facebook has been around since 2004, but it really seemed to reach its stride this year. Anyone who's anyone has a Facebook page. Even businesses are utilizing this as a way to promote themselves. I think it is nothing short of a miracle, although I can certainly understand how it can be used for negative purposes. In my life, it has been a significant blessing. People who are near and dear to me would otherwise be lost to the world of military moves and scattered to the four winds, possibly never to be heard from again. To be able to keep in touch with great friends, keep family updated with pictures of the kids, and to reconnect with people I haven't seen or heard from in years has been such a blessing to me. If this site were to ever disappear, I cannot imagine how heartbreaking that would be to be reduced to trying to scramble for all those email addresses or *gasps* snail mail addresses. Oh yeah, and add iPhone 4 and iPad to this list of amazing technology.

5. Lady GaGa, Justin Beiber, Snooki, et. al. Seriously?

6. The Hashtag (#). What the heck is this all about? Everyone does it. Why? I'm thinking I could live without this.

7. Personal life changes. Geez, where do I even start?!? I thought 2005 was a hallmark year of change for my family and me. I'm starting to think that year was easy compared to 2010. Given, I went through a devasating loss in 2005, but when you just look at pure stressors in life, death of a spouse or child is the top human stressor, and marriage is only six steps down. Amazing! 2010 held for me planning a wedding and getting married, buying a house and moving to a part of the country in which I had never been before, buying a new car and making the 2400 mile trek to said house by myself with the kids, getting pregnant and having a miscarriage (and this story has continued to evolve), trying to adjust to being married, getting a dog, and attempting to figure out who I am at this stage in life. All I know is that, even as much as the good Lord has thrown at me and as much as I prayed that would, in fact, be thrown at me, somehow I've survived with a generally positive outlook. I am completely convinced that I have been borne on wings of prayer by my friends and family, who have never wavered in their love and support for my family and me and without whom my life would be incomplete.

ENOUGH OF 2010! Let's peek ahead at 2011 and what's going on in my world:

1. TDY and deployment. It's a necessary evil in the lives of military personnel and their families. I know we will see our fair share, and all I can say is the sooner we get it started the sooner it is over. It seems like there's a constant revolving door of friends whose spouses are getting ready to go, those who are in the middle of deployment, and those who are cleaning their houses and shaving their legs on their way out the door to welcome someone home. At least this is one aspect of life that never seems to change.

2. Backpacking Through Joshua. I have signed up for an online study written by none other than HisGirl. I pray that I will have the discipline to see this study through. It is a long study but seems to be broken up into quite manageable segments. I'll say this -- there is no foreseeable good reason why I should not be able to make this a priority and learn and grow immensely from it. But isn't this a little like purchasing a gym membership before the new year? They say that it takes a month to form a habit, and I can tell you from experience it can take about 48 hours to destroy a good habit. The only person here who can keep me motivated to uphold my commitment is the Almighty. I know and trust that there are some serious blessings waiting to be had if only I will trust and obey.

3. Simplify. I have this intuition that this is going to be a do-or-die situation for me. I am tired of living life feeling like I'm running late, doing things just barely in time, only "making ends meet". The house we live in is large (for me), but not so large that I feel like it's worth the money to have someone come in to clean on a regular basis. I know I wrote as recently as last November about wanting to be like Abigail or the Proverbs 31 woman, and I know that's a tall order for any woman. All I want is for my countertops to be uncluttered, the bills to be paid and the laundry done, the bathrooms to be clean, the floors to be clean, and meals to be homecooked, nutritious, and easy to make and clean up. I want our closets to be full but not bursting, our pantry to be well-stocked but not have so much junk that it's falling off the shelves, and there to be systems of organization that are easy for every member of the family to be responsible to keep up with and not just me coming behind them all after they depart for the day's battles. What good is organization if it's not easy enough to do on a daily basis? As we hope to grow our family from a family of four to five or maybe even six, we've got to do more with less. Less stuff, less time, less money. Maybe I should add the word "efficiency" to "simplify".

4. Time to look inward. This is really an extension of numbers two and three. I want to be involved less out of the home and more in the home. I will be involved in the online Bible study, as well as my usual PWOC study commitment. I love to read but never have time to finish anything. I've decided that changes.effective.immediately. There is a book club I plan on joining this month, and I'm reading, "The Disappearing Spoon And Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World From the Periodic Table of the Elements," by Sam Kean. Looks crazy cool. I will still be involved in PWOC and volunteer at the kids' school, but other than that I want to have a cozy place to sit down with a book, a guitar, or a computer keyboard. Or better yet get out when the weather begins to change and get my garden up and running. Either way, I desperately need the pace to be slower this year.

5. Something big is brewing... I think I'm going to leave this as a teaser, but I can guarantee you that, when it makes its appearance, it will be BIG. At least, the first two were... Hmmmm...

I leave you now with the verse for 1 JAN on my eternal calendar, a great reminder to start each and every year with. Many blessings to you and yours for 2011!

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " -- Jeremiah 29:11

Legacies

I have had a million things on my mind about which to blog: an unbelievable show I watched recently about Amish teenagers, some of the lessons I've been learning as my involvement in ministry grows and changes, personal updates, etc. All of that came to a screeching halt on the Friday before the Memorial Day holiday weekend when my grandmother suffered an acute gall bladder attack that nearly took her life and left my family completely rattled.



The circumstances of how things began are nothing short of miraculous. Any other day of the week, she would've experienced the beginning of her symptoms in a quiet, empty house as my grandfather ran his usual errands around town. (Although he is an octogenarian, his energy and drive puts many of us whippersnappers right in our place. I have definitely inherited some of his "ADD"-like behaviors, haha...) At any rate, my grandparents had company -- my uncle from California -- who was able to get her quickly to medical care. Had he not been there, all of us would hate to put together the picture of how this story could have played out. At any rate, the random timing of his short visit didn't seem so random after seeing this happen.



As I write this, we have had many ups and downs with my grandmother's physical and mental condition. The life-saving surgery she requires is too risky at this point, so the best thing for her is to rest and regain her strength; however, in the back of my mind, I'm wondering how long until we see a repeat of her extreme pain and agony if this flares up again before she is strong enough for surgery.



Something that has frightened some family members is her willingness to go Home. As far back as I can remember, my grandmother has made very clear to me that we all have important work to do "in the highways and hedges" for the Lord until we are called Home, which is where our hearts should ultimately be pointed. When we have talked of injustices and violence going on in the world, especially in regards to children who are abused or starving, she is always moved to tears, her spirit grieving for the Lord to return and bring His own unto Him. While I would love to see her make a full recovery and return to her St. Francis of Assissi-like love and care for her birds and squirrels at her home, as well as her music ministry at a local nursing home, I know that both physically and mentally she is exhausted and weary. I know that she yearns to see Jesus and add her voice to the chorus of those worshipping at the throne. I will be honored to see her through whichever journey God sees fit to send her on, be it here or there. But what moved me to tears was thinking about what she will leave behind.



"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same." This quote by Flavia has always been a profound truth for me. Especially after T. died, I could really relate. But what I think about today is the legacy my grandmother leaves behind, what each of us will leave behind. We hear a lot in today's media about presidents and their legacies, how they have shaped the nation in various ways during their time in office. In our own personal lives, we each leave behind a legacy. I've also heard the analogy that children are like glasses, and parents leave behind some kind of indelible fingerprint on the glass, while some parents crack or completely destroy this fragile material. The way we act, think, dress, virtually everything about us impacts those around us and leaves a lasting impression, hopefully a good one if we're lucky.



The legacy my grandmother has already created was so easy to see on the faces and in the hands of my family over the last week or so. There were eight to ten of us waiting to take shifts and sit with her, feed her, or console her at any time during the day or night. The sense of family connection in the ICU waiting room was virtually palpable. But consider who we have learned this from: this is a woman who has hardly sat still a day in her life to eat a complete meal. She is the most selfless serving person I have ever seen, somehow being both Mary and Martha at the same time. Even as she worked hard alongside my grandfather to care of five children of her own, she also tirelessly cared for the sick and elderly in her neighborhood, worked around the clock to care for her own ailing mother and mother-in-law. She lived through the Great Depression as the daughter of a widow and still manages to have a song in her heart and a smile on her face. She is kind and gentle to animals and children alike, and is a prayer warrior to make Mother Teresa look like a complete slacker. She wears her "Good News" pin everywhere she goes as a conversation starter so that she can tell people about Jesus when they inquire about what her pin means. She is Jesus in the flesh.



Her legacy lives on in me as well. Many people firmly believe that, unless you have a "come to Jesus" moment, then you have not really accepted Christ into your heart and made your choice for Him. (Which I have a massive theological difference with, but we'll just save that for another blog...) I was raised with Jesus. He has been a constant presence in my life, as much as my own parents and siblings. My grandmother has everything to do with that. She also frightened me to death about what Hell was going to be like, but again, that's another blog. I have never questioned: a) that Jesus loves me, b) that He is always present with me, even when I feel abandoned and alone, c) I could never stray so far away from Him that He will not always love me, d) that He is the one true Son of God, e) that He died on my behalf so that I might be forgiven of all my sins, etc. You can see where this is going. She didn't cram a bunch of scriptures down my throat and tell me I couldn't listen to pop radio in the '80s or that I had to wear long dresses and never cut my hair. She simply modeled what it means to be a Christian in a fallen world. She explained things to me, sang with me, prayed with and for me, taught me to love others and to be kind. She taught me to bring my faith in a meaningful way to others, not through pleading or judgment, but through example and service. As I embark on care giving ministry at my church, I feel like my life has come full circle, in many ways because of the tiny seed which she planted thirty-something years ago.



As I wrestle over what it's like to watch someone fighting for their life, possibly dying before my eyes, I'm realizing that growing older and aging can be a scary thing, but not the frightening experience I once envisioned. It can be a brave, graceful experience journeying slowly back to God, one that I am humbled and honored to be a part of. I only pray that He loans her to us for a little while yet -- there is so much I feel I have left to learn before she is gone.



"For God so loved the world He sent His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have eternal life." --John 3:16

Quick Reflection

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." -- II Corinthians 4:18

This is the Bible verse on my desk calendar for November 30. This is a date that is etched on my heart forever. For me, it is my 9/11. That is T.'s birthdate into heaven. Really, I struggle with that day and the day before, which is when he had the accident on the motorcycle, but that's a completely different blog. This verse really captures my view of what happened that day in the surgical ICU in LSU Medical Center in Shreveport, Louisiana, and it's something I need to remind myself of more often.

I didn't blog anything on November 30, not because I was avoiding it or dreading it or planning some uber-emotional tribute. We were out at the cemetery laying a wreath that day, with the cold, damp late fall wind whipping our hair around, musing about how long it had been, how fast the time has gone and yet how it has seemed to go so slowly at the same time. I'm learning that, as Heath Ledger's widow has lamented, the longer T. is gone, the more I miss him. Strangely enough, it hasn't kept me from embarking on a deep, sweet love with R., which is God's working in and of itself. In fact, when R. showed up for the holidays, I could just feel every muscle in my body relax and my blood pressure go down. It was so comforting to see the continuity in my life that he brings and how he allows me to both go on loving T. but yet move forward with my life with him. As stressed out and emotional as I get, I know that all my complexities can be exhausting, but he loves me through it and comes back for more.

But back to Shreveport, 2005. I didn't have the extensive mental Scripture file that some of my friends have, but I knew this verse. I couldn't have told you the book, chapter, or verse, but I understood this truth in my heart. When I realized that T. was gone, not breathing, not going to open his eyes any more, not going to sit up and complain about having to eat spaghetti one more time, or fight back to good health, my thinking had to shift immediately from temporal to eternal. To consider the temporal without T. was to want to reach into his chest and pump his heart with my own bare hands to make it work again. I could not dwell on this because I would have begged for death myself. Instead, I know that God had already planted the seed of eternity in my heart -- I instantly had to look beyond where I was, standing over the body that no longer contained the soul and let him go. I actually had to tell him this, that he needed to go. In looking back, he was already gone and I would realize this when piecing together details after my brain was functioning somewhat normally later on. But for me, I had to put him into that eternal context to keep from caving in on myself.

Flashing forward to Advent 2008, I reconnected with a college buddy last night on FaceBook who had not heard of T.'s passing, and it obviously came as a real shock to him. I remember telling my friend Marily about this last year, and she was completely speechless as well. And even just last week, HisGirl was watching Super Nanny and was just floored by the episode involving a widow with a two year-old and a five month-old, which is almost exactly the ages Li'l G and Bud were when T. died. It was a real eye opener for her on what our reality is like, especially with such little ones in the picture. What's amazing to me is that I have come through any of this, and now this feels normal, if such a bland, descriptionless word could ever be used in this context. I have no idea how I have made it this long, and still have no idea how any single day in the future will transpire. All I know is this: having an eternal perspective has everything to do with it.

Consider this: Our economy is as fragile as a glass Christmas ornament. Terrorism is a constant threat. People die every day in tragic ways, and more still are diagnosed with terminal illnesses. Millions of people in our own country sleep under blankets of cardboard in sub-freezing temperatures. Children starve and are abused. In my own life, I have certain ideas on how I'd like things to play out, but there are no guarantees. To live with our focus on the temporal is overwhelming, at least to me. Even the wonderful glimpses we get of beauty and love are not enough to get me by. To live with an eye on the eternal is where I draw my strength and my hope. It helps me to get past all of the pain and hurt in the world, in my own life, and to keep walking toward the One I know to be faithful, the One constant in a world filled with variables. "How do I know this?" I have been asked countless times. To be honest, you can read your Bible or not; I don't really care about that. All I can say is that God has been there for me, revealed to me in real and tangible ways that honestly speaks louder to me than Scripture. Hang me up to dry if you want. I read my Bible as often as I can and revel in its words, but there is absolutely nothing like experiencing, really experiencing, the peace which passeth all understanding in real life. There is nothing like knowing that the same God which brought his people out of Egypt and cared for them in the wilderness for 40 years is caring for me in the midst of my wilderness. There is nothing like knowing that the same God who bodily resurrected my Jesus has my sweet T. in his care right now and has made him whole, healed his broken heart and body, and is guiding the kids and me all at the same time. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I've not read any passage of Scripture that says he will take away our pain if we just pray or come to him. What God does promise is that he will never leave or forsake us. He is there if we keep our eyes on the eternal and don't let the temporal distract us.

As I prepare in my home and in my heart for the birth of Jesus, I think of Him in a tempral perspective, and it brings a lump to my throat. This precious, soft, sweet child is our sacrificial Lamb. Those tiny little fingers and toes will end up bearing Jesus' physical weight and the spiritual weight of our sins on the cross someday. How sad! How tragic! But in an eternal perspective, it inspires awe. This baby boy, through the love and nurture of his earthly parents, grows up and maintains His obedience to the Father. The story begins with the stirrings in the womb, continues through the labor pains, infancy, toddlerhood, life as the son of a carpenter, radical ministry that ends with His death on the cross, and is still continuing at the right hand of the Father. Why wouldn't we want to focus on the eternal in this picture?

This may sound crazy and hair-brained, and I'll give you that, but it has everything to do with how I understand my world, how my perspective has changed and continues to do so. I have got my eyes fixed like a laser past the end of my temporal existence to one that is eternal. It gives me hope and strength to march on with purpose in situations where I cannot comprehend uncertainty, grief, suffering, or even evil in the world. And even as I try my hardest to speak light and life and live what I believe, I still pray constantly, "Even so, come, Lord Jesus!"

May that also be our prayer as we journey toward Christmas and, ultimately, Resurrection Day!

The Week(s) In Review

"A cheerful heart is a good medicine." -- Proverbs 17:22

I just realized today, as I was catching up on all of my Bloglines feeds, that I have been relatively "offline" for almost two weeks now. It seems like a lot longer than that! Not only have I not posted in that long, I also have read very few posts of others. My apologies for being such a slacker!

If your house is anything like mine right now, it's a real mixture of excitement and exhaustion, long grocery lists, recitals, exponential amounts of laundry and cleaning to do, and a potentially sick child as of bedtime tonight. In the midst of this, I'm trying to keep my chin up and soldier on, but my knees are already starting to feel a little weak. Between PMSing this week and celebrating T's third birthday in heaven, I know that God is going to have his hands full listening to my prayers for the next week or so!

In light of all that has gone on in the last two weeks, and all that will undoubtedly transpire over the next one, I thought I'd take this point by point and try to find God's fingerprint in all this mess...

Recitals: Li'l G has had two of these in the last ten days, one of which went for about two hours and ended around 8:30 P.M. on a school night. Ugh!! The one today was so, well, weird. Let me just say that the recital itself went well and was thankfully only 20 minutes long. But when we were warming up and rehearsing her "piece," her debut of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," she just mentally shut down. Couldn't even remember the song. Partly she was distracted by Bud watching "Pinky Dinky Doo" in the background, but I suspect now that she wasn't feeling very well. It really made me panic -- she was about to perform this song by herself and she couldn't remember even half of the song that she's practiced almost flawlessly since August! Somehow she pulled it off and did a really good job, but you could tell by looking at her face during the recital something just wasn't right. Then she tossed her cookies tonight after dinner. GREAT! TMI, I know, but I'm a mom so I have no qualms discussing childhood ailments. Now I feel like a total dragon mom for hounding my kid to get out there and do her best when all she probably wanted to do was lay down and croak because she had a low grade fever and wanted to sleep. Where is God in this? In the sweet little face of my beautiful baby girl. She is such a fighter and wants desperately for me to be proud of her. One more recital after Thanksgiving and then we get a month-long break, thank God!

Parish Lay Ministry Academy: I attended my last class session last weekend, and literally wanted to throw a tantrum and refuse to leave when the day was over! This two-year program has been such an amazing experience; it has literally changed my life. I can honestly say that, while I'm so incredibly grateful for this experience, it's made my life extremely difficult in many ways. First of all, there is the time when you have to complete reading assignments, papers, and projects. The kids have certainly watched their fair share of movies or played unsupervised in the backyard (gated and locked, though -- I promise!), and many family members have come through to hang out with them as I spend full-length days in class. Even though these have been serious sacrifices for me, the real difficulties have been internal. While I have had to read some borderline-heretical material, God gave me a clear understanding of what was false teaching and what wasn't and why that was so. I have had to excavate some serious familial demons, assess my own spiritual understandings, and measure that up against society's yardstick. The real problem I'm having is that I have come to some stark, clear understandings about myself and how I believe based on things I have learned. In and of itself, this is not the problem; rather, the problem is how to interact in the world, quite honestly. There are certain perspectives out there, popular and seemingly Biblically based, that I just cannot endorse anymore. Combine my strong conviction with my personality and that should pretty much explain my conundrum in a nutshell. I've also come to the conclusion that I need to pursue seminary. Every possible avenue I've looked into has turned into a dead-end so far, so I'm taking at least the first half of next year to digest what I've learned, get back into shape, volunteer at Li'l G's school, and see what unfolds. I want to savor this time of my children being young and still wanting to be around me. I just have this nagging feeling that my days are numbered the way they stand right now, and I want to enjoy each of those days and cherish them. Where is God in all this? Oh man, he's ALL up in my grill. I feel like Martin Luther walking through that field dodging lightning bolts. The problem is, I'm still unclear on where any of this is leading. So I'm putting the ball back in God's court. And waiting. Again...

Church stuff: Good.grief. You can't even BEGIN to know how much stress this has brought to my life over the last couple of months, much less the last two weeks. Some days I don't know whether to thank God that he put me in the position where I am or to curse the day I decided I needed to be involved. I can say this: I'm learning a LOT about people, both in general and specific ones. In my church in particular, I'm having such a weird experience. To my knowledge, I think I'm the first charter member child who has ended up serving on our church council, which is kinda cool, but is also very eye-opening. I have even asked my praise band cohorts, "Have things always been this way?!? If so, was I just blind to it because I was a kid and didn't notice?!?" Where is God in this big, hairy tangle? Good question! No, seriously, I know he's there. This whole season at my church is like a fire that was raging hot and engulfed with flames at one point and has now been reduced to a pile of ashes. If you poke around in the thick mound of ashes, you will still find a handful of red, glowing embers, and given the right conditions, that fire can be ignited again. Because I'm an emotional person to whom it comes more naturally to react and take things personally, I get all wound around the axle about the drama going on and even want to wash my hands of the whole thing sometimes, but I'm really learning that a handful of people respect my opinions, so I try to be clear and deliberate about what I say. I'm also learning the power of saying nothing. (I know, I know, stop the presses! haha!!) But as I have learned from Exodus 14:14, the battle does not belong to me; however, I am really trying hard to discern what role God would have me take in the next steps we take as a congregation. It's definitely a labor of love for me.

Thanksgiving/Gathering With Family: Who else's Thanksgiving gathering this week will put the "fun" back in "dysfunctional"?!? There is so much strife floating around in my family that at one point today I was actually having chest pains. Once again I was asking, "Have things always been this way?!? Or was I just too young to have noticed that the adults aren't playing nicely together?!?" R. is coming this year and will help us with some of the food prep. I always love schlepping him around with me at these kinds of things. His perspective is unbiased and fresh when it comes to assessing the social atmosphere at these gatherings, and I really appreciate his insights. To be honest with you, I'm desperate for this to be a relaxed, joyous occasion. I want the food to be scrumptious, the weather to be chilly, the home in which we're gathering to be cozy, and the laughter to be contagious. What I absolutely, down-to-my-core cannot handle is eyes rolling, back-biting conversations in hallways and corners, or just crankiness in general. With the third anniversary of T's accident and death just two days later, I am striving with all my might to reclaim Thanksgiving as the happy, comforting gathering that it was when I was a kid, both for my children and for my own sanity. Family drama needs to take a vacation, for crying out loud. Where, oh where is God in this picture? Going straight up my spine and into my heart, keeping me upright with a smile on my face to get me through this holiday. I'm counting on it 200%.

Advent/Christmas: It's been hard for me to have the emotional energy left for this holiday over the last couple of years, and for longer than that I've been so righteously pissed at what our society has made of this holiday. However, this year I have decided to take this holiday captive, too. I'm going as overboard as I can possibly go and still have a dollar left to my name. I'm trying to participate in as many opportunities to provide gifts or support as I can. I am trying to make the house festive and exciting for the kids. I'm trying to wrap my heart around the miracle of Jesus' birth, who He truly is, and how to apply this in my life. I want the kids to have a magical, memorable holiday, while also seeing that not everyone has warm, soft PJs and toys. I want them to be able to connect the soft, sweet baby in the manger to the grown man on the cross at some point. Advent is a season of preparation, sometimes somber anticipation, but always a time of remembrance that God is faithful and fulfills his promises, including his promise to send the Messiah because of his love for us, even when we don't always love him back.

To be honest with you, I haven't been very cheerful lately, which is why I chose the opening verse. And in catching up on some of my blogs, I can tell I'm not the only one. It's a hard time of year for more people than we realize. Case in point, my cousin's sister was just taken off life support recently and died. She had sustained a Christopher Reeve-type injury earlier in the year. It caught us all by surprise. Then a woman in the local community died from a stroke quite suddenly. She had taught music and been involved in a jillion things for over 60 years, and even played piano at my church when I was growing up. Last but not least, Li'l G reported to me on Friday that one of her friends' father was sent to jail last week. This little boy is just adorable but can be a behavior problem. I've written about him before; for some reason, he just touches my heart. Now he gets to go through the holidays with this burden. At the age of five. My heart just aches for all of these families for whom Thanksgiving will feel like a hollow experience -- been there, done that. Yet I know that "there are still good times to be had," just as Shelby told Miss Clairie in "Steel Magnolias." If we really look, get down on our hands and knees sometimes and scrutinize, we can see God at work in all these situations. When I can identify that, it makes it easier for me to find hope, to see even one positive thing, and that uplifts my heart more than kind words or inspiring songs. That, indeed, is good medicine.

A Conscience Captive to the Word Of God

"There is not enough darkness in all the world to put out the light of one small candle..." --Arthur Gordon

When is the last time you felt convicted about something? Not just convinced of something, or feeling one way or the other about something like who you will vote for on Election Day, but convicted? Have you ever felt so strongly about something that, the more you thought about it, you almost felt haunted or consumed by it, possibly to the point where you could not keep your opinions or ideas to yourself?

In a world consumed with not hurting people's feelings and political correctness, many people chose to keep their most deep feelings tucked away. In my parents' and grandparents' generations, speaking your mind was dangerous, and you most certainly did not discuss things like who you voted for at an election. Many bloggers won't discuss politics or religion because they don't want to offend those who don't share the same viewpoints. I can definitely respect those who believe that their language should be edifying and uplifting as a response to living out the Gospel, but I hardly see how it is un-Christian to have an opinion and confess it. Had Jesus been terribly worked up about being politically correct, we'd all probably be wearing prayer shawls and phylacteries and living under Torah Law. Since when did it become a sin to confess one's faith, opinions, and beliefs?

As many of you know, I'm one of these outspoken types. It can be a blessing and a curse to be sure. Once I research a topic and decide where I stand on an issue, I am happy to engage people in discussions about things that most shy away from or frown upon. As I have been working through lay minister training and the various topics of study presented therein, I have been a mass of information to chew on and digest. It has done nothing less than completely change the way I view my world. I have fumbled through this life, picking up pieces of different denominations and expressions of faith here and there, adapting my thoughts or beliefs as I learned what I thought was truth as presented by people I trusted, "standing on the Word of God." When I had reason to return to my hometown area and the Lutheran church after having sampled so many other expressiosn of Christianity, I was hesitant at first to come back. I saw my fellow Lutherans as closed off to modern concepts and ideas and expressions, and I wanted to not be stared at if I wanted to raise my hand during worship, for example. But the more I looked into Lutheran ideas to see if this was how I needed to be the weekly venue for my expression of faith and how I understand God, I realized I was theologically in the right place. At the same time, that has presented problems for me that have been emotionally crippling. I see our little church struggling through hard times, and it pains me to see this happening to the body of Christ. Outside our doors, I see a culture of people wanting to be entertained at church, scorning communion, scaring people into praying the sinner's prayer to take Jesus into their hearts so they don't go to hell, and it makes me want to vomit. Every.single.time.

I, like Luther, apparently have a flair for offending people. If only they knew how many times I do the "copy/paste/cut/edit" thing in my mind before I start talking about certain topics! As Luther confessed at the Diet of Worms, I, too, am guilty of speaking harshly at times. This is hardly a very Christian thing of me to do, and I have to pray for God's help in taming my tongue. But I tell you, my friends, there have been times when I am so worked up about the garbage someone else has just passed off as gospel truth that I am trembling from the need to stop them in their tracks!

Why on earth am I rambling about all this? Reformation Sunday was celebrated yesterday by Lutherans around the world. I would hope that anyone who is Christian of any denomination would have at least acknowledged it, but I highly doubt that they did. Luther never intended, and I'm quite sure would be abhorrently appalled today, to split up the Roman Catholic church and create the Protestant movement, much less an entire denomination that aligned with his ideas so much as to take his name. He was so intensely repulsed by Rome, the papacy, and human corruption in the church that he wanted to clean house. Even when the peasants revolted in his name, he implored the princes to put down the rioting crowds. People took a good idea and went too far; however, it is what it is, and those of us who read Bibles not written in Latin can thank Martin Luther for that freedom.

Independence. We value that above all else in this country. Not just in the political realm, but in our choices of religiousity as well. Our pastor preached yesterday about how, every 500 years, it appears that the church undergoes major reformation. We are in an age of that right now. Five hundred years ago (circa A.D. 1541), Martin Luther was the first small candle railing against the corrupt darkess, along with Calvin, Zwingli, and many more. Five hundred years before that (circa A.D. 1054), the Catholic church split into two groups -- Roman Catholic and Orthodox. Five hundred years prior to that (circa A.D. 550), the Roman Empire fell. And folks, five hundred years prior to that (circa A.D. 30), a Jewish rabbi claiming to be the Anointed One was healing and preaching, only to be crucified, dead, and resurrected. What began with one man and his disciples has spread over thousands of years and hundreds of thousands of miles to what we have today. All because people were willing to be used by the Spirit. To draw that line in the sand, at the risk of losing lives or offending people, to say, "My conscience is captive to the Word of God... Here I stand; I can do no other."

I agree with my pastor, and Luther, in that you don't scare people into seeking Christ as a way to avoid the damnation of the Fiery Pit for all of eternity. God created us because God wanted to love us, to have a relationship with us. And we don't take the name of Christ and then condemn others who don't agree with us and pine for the days when we're taken Home. When Jesus truly resides in our hearts, we are activated to serving in the kingdom, the kingdom of God here on earth. We are called to love one another and serve one another, expecting nothing in return. Not increased memberships at our churches. Not more coins in the coffer. Not more souls for the fold. I truly hope my opinions don't offend anyone; it is simply how I believe. I cannot be a purist to one man's theology or another. What I do know is that Jesus calls us to love. If we turn the Gospel into the law, we have defeated the whole point of Christ's sacrifice on the cross. I cannot take part in that anymore. If that has to cost me readers on this blog, friends in this world, or other potential benefits, then I take that on willingly. I don't expect high-fives here, and I'm sure someone could take things I've said here personally. I pray that, as you all find your places in this world and sort out your heart before God, that you will find a firm foundation of what you believe and hold fast to that. Seek out wise counsel, talk to others about what they believe, but keep your eyes squarely on the cross and judge everything you hear by how it holds up to what you know Jesus has done for you. Don't be afraid to say, "I personally don't believe that." Where would we all be if others had not the courage to do just that?

"Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end." -- Proverbs 19:20

Meet The Chicas

I, like S4J, am having trouble knowing where to start and what all to say. What makes it worse is that, the longer it is since I've gotten home, I'm losing the freshness of all the memories and the high of being in Pennsylvania this time of year. It's taken me several days of working a paragraph at a time to even get this much out! I'd better crank out a couple of these while my brain is still functioning...

I thought I'd take some time to introduce you to the Chicas. Not all are bloggers, although some are. And let me state right off the bat, as to avoid any unforeseen "issues," that I'm not trying to be clique-ish here. I just want you all to find out what I enjoy about each of the '08 girls. With no further adieu, I give you the Chicas of 2008!

As many of you know, this is HisGirl, mommy and blogger extraordinare. She is the fearless leader in the group, our virtual cruise director. I may be the first one to charge into a burning building, for example, because someone said there is a child trapped inside, but His Girl will stop everything and discern a proper and efficient plan of action that is usually a hundred times more effective than bursting through the door. To say she is zany and hilarious is to really not do her justice, and to say that she thirsts for more knowledge of the Lord is the understatement of the year. I'm the cranky Martha trying to make everything just-so and be a good hostess, while she is the focused Mary, sitting at the feet of the King, soaking up wisdom and love that she doles out in generous measures to everyone in her path. And just when you think she's going to tell you to settle down, she does something completely hysterical like get verklempt over homemade fried chicken at an Amish restaurant. She is the Devoted Disciple of the group.

Next comes S4J, my musical partner in crime. I have known her the longest out of all the girls, and is actually the person who introduced me into the group. S4J is also the co-cruise director. She accuses me of being multi-talented just because I have musical ability. This heffer can take photographs that make Annie Leibowitz look like she's using a Dora the Explorer disposable camera, not to mention sing like a profession and even learned how to play guitar on a 12-string! Her sense of humor is just skewed enough for us to be lots of trouble together yet somehow keep her out of hot water. If you were to be stranded on a desert island with the two of us, I'd be the one trying to make a fire. She would be figuring out how to clean the water and sterilize things, after washing her hands, of course. I'd be kvechting about mosquito bites while she'd be singing some silly song about mosquitos being minions of the devil in the most pleasant voice you've ever heard. She would also let you cry tears of frustration until you were completely exhausted. She is our Loving, Looney Listener.

Our next chica is not a blogger, so she doesn't have an online handle. Let's call her... Rebecca Yoder. Or the Weaverton Schoolmarm. Your choice. Mrs. Yoder here is apparently the one we've got to keep our eyes on. She is quiet, gentle, funny, but has started coming out of her shell. She's like a geode: she may appear like your average, everyday stone you might find on a naturewalk, but once you have cracked this stone in half, there are brilliant, spectacular crystalline formations that you would never know was there if you only looked at the outside of the stone. What an unexpected surprise! When I first met RY she was quiet and reserved but always sweet as shoo-fly pie. Then last year in Seattle she surprised me by playing percussion (read: homemade shaker) during praise and worship. This year she pulled the rug out from under us! Not only was it her idea to put a certain someone's chonies on the line for "Jacob Yoder" next door to see, she hornswoggled us into a one room schoolhouse for an encounter with the living dead! (Think the Amish version of "Children of the Corn" and you'd be on the right track...) That sneaky Rebecca Yoder. It's always those quiet ones that you never suspect. That's why she's our Blossoming Blessing.

Here is one of our newest chicas, fresh off the farm. I really think this picture speaks more volumes that you could ever know. Also not a blogger, this new chikkie -- let's call her Bambi Stoltzenfus -- is my SOUL MATE! (OK, like, in a friend-to-friend way, you dirty birds!) It's a rare thing when I meet someone who shares so many qualities of mine. There is another chica who falls into this category, but she was not able to be here for this year's excursion. At any rate, I worried that we I would run her off and make her think we were complete weirdos. Yeah, right! Not only did she fit right in, she helped us take our ridiculous silliness to unheard-of levels. I don't think I've laughed so hard in my life about teaching kids why they need to use handsoap! If you were at a New Kids On The Block concert with her and asked her, in a moment of adolescent stupidity temporary weakness, if you should throw your panties on stage, she'd be two steps ahead of you: she'd unsnap the sides and give hers a toss and look at you like, "Hurry up!" However, I think my favorite thing about Mrs. Stoltzenfus is, in addition to her hijinks and hilarity, she is incredibly grounded and unwavering in her faith. She is the High-Octane, High-Quality Chica.

Meet yet another new chica, Jenster. (She's the one on the left.) Jenster graciously opened her home and hospitality to S4J and myself the night before the other chicas arrived on the scene, and I wonder if she had any way of knowing just what she was getting herself into! Mwaa ahh ahhh!! At any rate, she's funny, sneaky, and can crack the funniest joke you've ever heard while keeping a completely straight face. Two seconds after she's said the most hilarious, snarky thing you've heard in your life, she's overflowing with a wisdom and perception of how real life intersects with scripture and holy relationship that just blows your mind. On top of being a wife, a mother, a breast cancer survivor, and new chica, she is also gifted at speaking and integrating how faith should look in our lives, not how we should talk about what we believe. She is definitely the Deep Waters Chica.


This is our Chikkie. She makes each and every trip with us, in full garb depending on where the Chicas are headed that year. This year she is sporting her plain clothes, reminding us to focus on simplicity and keeping it simple. She may be the quietest member of the group, but her presence is always required in group pictures and ridiculous antics. Part of the fun of going on this trip each year, besides the big "reveal" of where we're headed to next, is to find out what Chikkie will be wearing to coordinate with the new location or theme. Not seen here in this picture is her evil twin, the Dirty Birdie. DB hasn't actually made an official appearance yet on these trips, but her presence is well-known and represented! We try to keep this under wraps, but once you get a gaggle of women together, well, you can imagine how it goes from there!

Lastly, here I am, giving you my best Jacob Yoder impression, trying desperately not to wet my pants with stifled laughter. If you could only know how hard we laughed on this trip, you'd think we would all have ripped abs by now! As for what I bring to the group, that depends on who you ask. Despite what actually ends up transpiring, I attempt to bring music and laughter to the group. I can usually be counted on to say something off-color to get someone to laugh or purposefully get the group charged up and their energy flowing. Which chica would I be, then? I'm just good ol' GGG.

Happy Anniversary, Schmupps...

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God... Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear." --Hebrews 12:1-2, 28 (NKJV)

Dearest Tom,

I wanted to make my last verse dedicated to you. I think of you every time I read vv. 1 and 2, and it gives me such hope. It helps me endure the long days as they spread out before me, here without you, knowing that I am surrounded by you and others who love me and cheer me on, praying encouragement and strength over me.

Over this last year I really hope you have been saying extra prayers for me. I hope that God has allowed you to peek into my heart, and then again, I don't. The saying that "time heals all" has felt more like a cruel joke than words of wisdom. This year has been harder than any other since you died. The longer we are apart, the harder I struggle. So many times I feel myself falling, feeling so lost and out of sorts. I went through such a dark time, a season in which past hurts were choking out my happy memories of you like wild, bristly thistles in a delicate herb garden. Just when I am ready and willing to move on, I come across baggage like this that dashes my faith and my hope. As I wrote those letters where I was supposed to be forgiving you of being some inconsiderate person, I realized my own depravity, my own sinfulness against you and realized how desperately I needed your words of forgiveness.

As I sat there in the blazing Texas heat with my hand over where yours would be, six feet underneath me in white cotton gloves, my mind raced through a rolodex of memories we made. I remembered the song being played in the hangar as you were the last man in the door at the redeployment ceremony in FT Riley, and the travel-weary smile you gave me as I smothered you in a relieved hug. I remembered how you cried so hard you almost couldn't get out the words, "I love you," the first time you told them to me, the song you had picked out for that moment, and how I drove the two hours home in happy tears. I remembered the sound of your voice, your easy laugh, and the way your eyes danced when you smiled. I also remembered seeing you for one last time in the church. You laid there, in dress blues ready to be taken into the sanctuary one last time on the shoulders of the soldiers who loved you. You were in the same exact place we were standing after leaving the church when we married, and we did a 'high five' because we were exhilarated to finally be down the aisle. Our marriage began and ended in the same place; how strange...

I need to know you are in that cloud of witnesses, Tom. The kids need to know it, too. All three of us have such a long road ahead of us. I struggle with knowing how to incorporate you into our lives without breaking their hearts, or mine for that matter. The next chapter in our lives has already begun and is moving in a good, happy direction. How do I appropriately keep you in the family without hurting him? While I'm at it, how weird is it to love two insanely different men? I wish beyond all wishing that God would just allow you a couple of words to me, a kind of "seal of approval," on everything, just to let me know that I'm doing the right thing. I feel good about all the choices that I have made so far, but knowing that it would pass muster with you would give me enormous peace of mind.

I didn't ask to be plopped in the big middle of this race I'm in, but as long as I'm here, I want to do it right, to make it to the end not just with a huff and a puff, but with flying colors. All I can think of is to keep my head down and just keep going toward what I know is right -- to keep my heart open to God's words and my eyes focused on the cross. Just promise me that you will be there with the others to tell me, "Welcome home," when I make it across that finish line.

Happy 8th anniversary, Schmupps; I miss you...

Today's Verse: Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." (NKJV)

Direction is the word I received from this passage today. I had to go to the NKJV to find this wording. The NIV says that God will make our paths straight, but that imparts a completely differnent meaning to me. (Amazing how one holy book can have such differentiation...)

To me, I read the NIV and think about God taking the chaos of my life and ironing it all out. Taking away all the uncertainty, change, self-doubt, and voila -- just getting rid of it. Without these things that make me stagger around like toddler in her mothers heels, my paths will finally be straight. But I don't buy into that explanation.

I like the NKJV because it doesn't guarantee that straigtness of path. Instead, I hear God saying, "If you trust me with your heart, your life, your future, I will point you in the direction in which I know you need to go. There are no guarantees about straightness of path, bumpiness, or possible detours. But it's still the right direction to get you where you need to go, which is back to Me."

I began my day with a headache, again, as per usual it would seem. I woke up with an agitated spirit, an uneasiness that waxes and wanes within me like the cycles of the moon. (And no, S4J, I'm not PMSing! Haha!!) Someone described me yesterday as being "needy" in regards to a hypothetical situation, and the result of this conversation left me reeling in many ways. Some Most of you have never met me in person (man, I feel sorry for you!!! Haha, just kidding... sort of...), but if you've read many of my blogs, I'm a fairly independent person. Yes, I do accept help from others when I feel it's necessary or would benefit my mental health. But by-and-large, the word "needy" is not the first thing that comes to mind when I think about my personality traits.

This whole "needy" thing is not really necessary for you all to know, but it spurred me, once again, to consider the path that my life is on, if, in fact, it is even on one. I'm the kind of person that is passionate and driven most of the time, but am also wracked with self-doubt and lack of confidence at times. I see a million things I need to do, ways to improve the kind of mother that I am, the constant uncertainty of my future, and it makes me feel so trapped. And then, like the Casting Crows song, "Voice of Truth," says, I hear the voice of Jesus singing over me and can step out of that mire long enough to hear this encouraging word. As usual, I needed that boost in the "trust" and "faith" department.

Like most people in my age range, we feel like we have to have a sense of direction for our lives. Some women feel like they have to check off the "career" box before they can even entertain the thought of marriage or children. Others believe their career is to be in the home caring for their family. Men are expected to have ambition, drive, and goals, and those who gravitate back toward the womb and live out of their parents' basement are looked at as having no direction in their lives. We've got to be going somewhere, improving ourselves, preparing for retirement while we are still young enough to work ourselves to death. Our jobs, be they in or out of the home, domestic or otherwise, socially define us as who we are. Try telling a man you meet in a bar or on a blind date what you do for a living when you're a stay-at-home mom. It's a tough pill to swallow, not because I'm ashamed of it, but because of what everyone else's perception is of me.

Direction. How do we know if we're headed in the right one? There's a delicate balance for a modern Christian between praying and laying back, expecting God to pull off something fabulous, and "taking life by the horns" and doing it your way, which can be disatrous. I long for the days when my kids were infants. You had direction then: eat, sleep, poop. Now that my life has changed so much, I feel like I'm walking down that path in "Alice in Wonderland," where those weird animals are erasing the path Alice is walking on. Pretty soon, she's lost in the woods, looking around like, "Crap -- now where do I go?!?"

Alice didn't have her Bible with her, otherwise maybe she would've read this verse and not panicked so much. I need to put this verse in front of my face on a daily basis. I know this condition of my life won't change overnight, and verses like this give me hope that I'm doing the right thing. And even if I'm not, God does give second chances; it's never too late to change directions in that respect.

Direction, LORD, is what I need right now...

Today's Verse(s): Baptism Narratives

For the sake of blogspace and your sanity, I will refrain from posting all of the narratives of Jesus' baptism here. Click on the title of today's blog to head over to Biblegateway.com if you don't have a Bible handy. For efficiency's sake, here's where I'm focusing for today:

Matthew 3:13-17
Mark 1:9-11
Luke 3:21-22
John 1:29-34

Actually, including the passage from John is kind of going through the "back door," so to speak. The first three gospels, a.k.a., the Synoptic Gospels, all share a common source, Quello, commonly called Q by Bible scholars, theologians, and other Bible nerds like me. It's a German word meaning, "Source." The Gospel of John did not gather information from Q and is therefore not part of the club. Instead, the account given in John is the testimony of John the baptizer, which is why I call it a back door. (In all honesty and accuracy, they are all based on testimony and oral tradition, but I've already taken you too far into the scholastic side than I need to; I just enjoy this kind of topic.)

ANYHOO! Right, so, we are looking at the baptism narratives. I've always been told that, if you find something in more than one gospel, then it's an extremely important concept or truth that the authors (plural!!) were trying to convey, regardless of who the target audience was for each gospel. The fact that all three synoptic gospels include this narrative is important, and even the authors of John thought it was crucial information to pass along.

We as 21st century, Westernized Christians (for the most part, that seems to be my readership) have several differing views of baptism, but it would appear that we all agree on the fact that it is a life-changing event. Many American/Non-denom's, Baptists, Methodists, and perhaps others along these denominational lines believe that you must make a personal choice to accept Jesus into your heart, and that is when you seal the deal with baptism. A common support for adult baptism is John 3:3, where Jesus says, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again."

I don't know about Episcopalians, Anglicans, various types of Catholics, or Presbyterians, but Lutherans deal with the concept of baptism differently. We believe that, through baptism, God comes to us and chooses us to be His people. There is nothing we can do to "work our way up" to God. We are not saved the day we are dipped into blessed waters. We were saved 2000 years ago when Jesus died on the cross. God comes to us and creates this covenant bond with us in the waters of our baptism, washes over our hearts with His agape, unconditional love. And just because you're baptized doesn't mean, "Ha, ha, Satan! I'm on home base!! Nanny-nanny boo-boo!" It's how we choose to let this affect our hearts and lives, or not, that seals the deal. Martin Luther said something to the effect of, "We are saved by grace through faith, and that not of our own." It is only by God's grace that He gives us the measures of faith we need to rely on Him. We don't have the power to naturally, or even cognizantly, choose to follow Him and do it right. Every single blog I read confirms that I'm not the only one in this sinking ship of life struggles! It is when we let the levees around our hearts erode away and let those baptismal waters overflow us that we truly "get it."

OK. I'm putting my Bible away, shutting my Strong's Exhaustive Concordance (that thing really is exhausting...), and I'm setting aside Luther's "Smalcald Articles" for another day. Yes, you're welcome. :)

"GGG, you lost me at 'Synoptic Gospels,' for cryin' out loud. I just want to read your verses, slam my Starbucks, and get on with life. I've got dinner going and two loads of laundry. Wrap it up, will ya?!?"

OK, fine. The point: some of the most sacred, breath-taking events in our lives are accomplished with as little as a whisper, seeming so ordinary, that if you blink, you've missed it.

Look quickly at the "main point" verses from the narratives:

Matthew 3:16 -- "As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him."

Mark 1:10 -- As Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove."

Luke 3:21-22a -- "When all the people were being baptized, Jesus was baptized too. And as he was praying, heaven was opened and the Holy Spirit descended in him in bodily form like a dove..."

John 1:32 -- "Then John gave his testimony: 'I saw the Spirit come down from heaven as a dove and remain on him."

Insert Hollywood special effects here: Cue the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to sing "oohs" and "aahs" in six-part harmony, have the graphics people at The Weather Channel do some cool clouds-peeling-back-to-reveal-sunbeams stuff over Jesus, and have Jack Hanna provide a trained dove to do his thing.

On Saturday, I will celebrate my 17th baptismal anniversary. I was presented as a five year-old in the Lutheran church (coincidentally in the same place where I saw "Ghostbusters II"), and while the environment could've supported the special effects, I remember none of that being there. I'm pretty sure my mom was holding me, and our pastor, being the groovy '70s guy that he seemed to be to me, had a beard and looked a lot like Jesus. Other than that, it was just another day at church by all appearances to the naked eye.

Some friends of mine at church presented their tiny, precious baby girl for baptism this past Sunday. And while I'm the emotional sort to begin with, I was struck breathless by the simplicity and magnitude of what was going on. Family members came from all over the country, each contributing waters from those areas to the baptismal font, where her grandfather had traveled from Pennsylvania to perform the ceremony. And with three symbolic scoops of water passing over her soft, furrowed brow, that was it. Or was it?

The day we all find ourselves under these liberating waters is a cosmic event. You may or may not have consciously stepped up to the plate, but you've got God's mark on you now. This is a distinct line in the sand in terms of who we are, who we're called to be, and to whom we belong. And that cosmic, life-changing moment came and went so quickly, so quietly, like a whisper.

I remember so clearly the day Lil' G was baptized. We decided to strip her down and actually immerse her in the water, which caused MUCH scandal in the church we attended. I remember her looking up at me at one point, having been fussy, and not being able to grab a pacifier, offered my pinkie, which suited her fine at the time. But the look on her face took my breath away and reduced me to heavy sobs this Sunday. She looked at me, only six weeks old, with her father's eyes and smile, and seemed to say, "Mommy, I trust you." On that day, and every day since, I give her back to the One who gave her to me, and Bud as well.

I also recalled the day Tom was baptized. He ended up being baptized in December 1999, and it was a proud day in his mind. The look I remember seeing on his face was one of strength and purpose. He was baptized, several others of us joined the church as well, we sat down, and the service went from there. Over so quickly. Six years later, his life was over so quickly. The rupture of the aorta going to his brain, sending the pressure in his brain almost five times greater than it can to sustain life functions, happened without a sound. The machines connected to him gave away the internal secret. When he was taken off the breathing machine to see if he was brain dead, he breathed two miniscule, shallow breaths and laid there so peacefully, so quiet and serene.

The sacred moments in our lives, the times in which God couldn't be any closer to us if He tried, are so fleeting. From the day God reaches out and grabs hold of us through our baptismal waters, to the day we celebrate our birthday into His presence, we don't want to let those sacred moments go by unnoticed and uncherished. Revel in them, and celebrate them.