I'm sitting in my kitchen in Virginia, feeding the baby a snack that I hope will appease the savage beastie until lunch comes out of the oven. We are on our umpty-jillionth snow day this school year, and while I rather enjoy having my husband home from work and all of the kids home to snuggle down on days like today, it's different this time. Watching the birds jockey for seeds at the bird feeder outside my kitchen window is usually a beautiful distraction for me, but my mind is a million miles away and my hungry stomach isn't in knots yet, but it's getting there. I'm hoping and praying that tomorrow goes off without a hitch, but I'm skeptical and I know I need to pray about it...
We had been preparing for my husband to deploy and instead were given the news that he has papillary carcinoma -- thyroid cancer. There -- I said it. The dreaded "C" word. Cancer. I add it to "widow" in the lengthing list of adjectives and nouns that are now associated with my life story.
We got the diagnosis on 18 FEB. Our world was so happy and plugging right along when the word "cancer" came along and kicked us in the collective face. And what's more is that everyone keeps telling us that this is the "good cancer to have." (Sorry for the prolific use of quotation marks today.) That the 20 year cure rate is 99%. That R will undergo a very common, routine procedure, followed by a treatment with irradiated iodine, and that he will more or less be as good as new. You know what? The doctors in the ER on 29 NOV 2005 told me that T didn't have life-threatening injuries and that he would likely have a hospital stay and then come home. Only he died the next day.
I know my tone is angry, irritable, anxious. It's the first time I've really allowed myself to step a toe on this path. I struggle with anxiety a lot, the truth be told. But what I am seeing is God showing up in ways that are now, as they were when T died, nothing short of miraculous. I am experiencing God's presence and power in ways I've never experienced them before, and we haven't even stepped foot in a surgical ward yet. The more I pray and focus on this, the more the anxiety melts away and I see this situation for what it really is: an opportunity.
It's an opportunity for God to receive glory. For God to demonstrate the power and might and grace that only God possesses. For lives to be touched. For veils to be removed and sight to be given to the blind. For God to pursue me in the middle of this storm, reach out a hand to me once again, and guide me down the only safe path through a field of land mines, making sure I put my feet directly into God's footprints.
So, Lord, here we are together, on the road again.
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Monday, March 3, 2014
Monday, March 21, 2011
BTJ Weeks Seven & Eight: Before and After
It's been a little while since my last Backpacking Through Joshua post since we've had a break, and holy cats! Lots has been going on since that time. As easy as it could be to opt out of this next section of the study, I feel the need to use it as an opportunity to learn better time management and spend the time in the Word regardless of what other things I could be off doing.
Since I chose to consolidate these two chapters, I wanted to look at these two chapters as one continuous narrative rather than separate, stand alone stories. Paraphrased and condensed, Joshua has led the Israelites on two campaigns, one in Jericho and the other in Ai. Although by and large the campaign in Jericho was considered a success, in the eyes of the LORD there was a complete breakdown in trust and obedience on the part of the people. After taking steps to renew the covenant and restore the nation in the eyes of God, Joshua leads the next campaign against Ai. Not only does Joshua wait upon the LORD for the play-by-play interpretation of how the battle should go, he ends the experience with corporate worship and instruction, a stark 180 from the end of the Jericho campaign.
One passage in particular really strikes me in Joshua 7:6-15. Basically, Joshua's scouts at Ai have been slaughtered by the enemy as a result of sin in the Israelite camp after the fall of Jericho. Joshua is bemoaning his poor, miserable self -- LORD, you don't love me anymore! What did I ever do to you? Aaagh! I hate my life! I wish I'd never left my old house and listened to you! (stomp, stomp, stomp). (Interpretation obviously mine.) To which God says -- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Excuse me?!? Are you seriously complaining here? Let's look at your actions: you didn't follow directions, you blatantly disobeyed me, and you have the audacity to not expect consequences? You'd better step back and look at yourself a little more closely. Unless you take steps to correct this situation, you will continue to endure the consequences you earned. It's your choice. (Again, my words.)
Since I chose to consolidate these two chapters, I wanted to look at these two chapters as one continuous narrative rather than separate, stand alone stories. Paraphrased and condensed, Joshua has led the Israelites on two campaigns, one in Jericho and the other in Ai. Although by and large the campaign in Jericho was considered a success, in the eyes of the LORD there was a complete breakdown in trust and obedience on the part of the people. After taking steps to renew the covenant and restore the nation in the eyes of God, Joshua leads the next campaign against Ai. Not only does Joshua wait upon the LORD for the play-by-play interpretation of how the battle should go, he ends the experience with corporate worship and instruction, a stark 180 from the end of the Jericho campaign.
One passage in particular really strikes me in Joshua 7:6-15. Basically, Joshua's scouts at Ai have been slaughtered by the enemy as a result of sin in the Israelite camp after the fall of Jericho. Joshua is bemoaning his poor, miserable self -- LORD, you don't love me anymore! What did I ever do to you? Aaagh! I hate my life! I wish I'd never left my old house and listened to you! (stomp, stomp, stomp). (Interpretation obviously mine.) To which God says -- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Excuse me?!? Are you seriously complaining here? Let's look at your actions: you didn't follow directions, you blatantly disobeyed me, and you have the audacity to not expect consequences? You'd better step back and look at yourself a little more closely. Unless you take steps to correct this situation, you will continue to endure the consequences you earned. It's your choice. (Again, my words.)
I obviously pictured this with the drama and angst of a teenager railing against a parent that they are sure is out to get them, being completely unfair and trying to ruin their lives. And perhaps that's a bit of a stretch here, but here's how I saw myself in this Scripture:
I scratch my head and walk around shell shocked every time I think I'm doing something that surely God would want me doing, especially if it's supposed to bring glory to God, right?!? I mean, what is more humble and respectful, right? Geez, God, don't you want me to be happy or something? Haven't I suffered enough in this life?
And then God, sometimes with a clap of thunder, or sometimes through deafening silence, shows me that it doesn't matter what I thought was the right idea or course of action. What matters is what God was trying to show me through the experience or situation. If I could just let go of the steering wheel (since I'm sitting in the passenger seat to begin with) and quit making us swerve all over the road, He would get me where I need to go safe and sound and without all the drama.
I think the bottom line is this: Just because we "got it right" once before doesn't always mean we will "get it right" in the future. Let me unpack this. We may go through a significant trial in our lives, need to make a pivotal decision, or some such significant life event. Hopefully we have laid it at the feet of Jesus and left it there and waited upon the LORD for clear instruction on each step we are to take on our journey through that particular wilderness. But just because we emerge from that wilderness on the yellow brick road of trust and obedience does not necessarily mean we can expect that for the next time our path disappears into the fog or another thick forest. I don't know about you, but I am human and tend to become complacent and assume that I've got things covered because I'm a Christian and I've prayed about it. Or I simply say a quick prayer and then proceed as I wanted to in the first place. Just like Joshua got the message about how he was to wait upon the LORD and obey His exact instructions, I have to treat my journeys as if I am starting over from scratch each time. I can look to experiences of the past to encourage me along the way that trusting God is the right choice to make, but I've got to start anew each time laying the problem or issue and the feet of Jesus and touching the hem of His robe, claiming again and again and again that even the dogs are given scraps from the master's table.
And when it's all said and done, regardless of the outcome, God is worthy, worthy, worthy of adoration and praise. :)
My favorite verse from this week: "Then the LORD said to Joshua, 'Do not fear or be dismayed..." -- Joshua 8:1a (just after Joshua took steps to restore the covenant, and symbolic to me that God was letting Joshua know that they were "cool" and ready to take the next step -- together.)
Friday, February 18, 2011
BTJ Week Six: Trust and Obey
Being a former elementary school teacher, the first thing I do before any reading assignment is preview any questions I'm supposed to answer after reading a text. We taught our students to do that to help them be able to identify answers more easily in the text as they read. At any rate, it just helps me to get my thinking cap on.
But in light of the last couple of weeks I've had, my ability to focus on anything has been seriously undermined. First I was in an auto accident in which, thankfully, nobody was hurt. Two weeks later the issue is still unresolved, and as seemingly simple as it should be able to resolve, there is a whole undercurrent of nasty flowing here that started the second the lady stepped out of her car to survey the damage. Two weeks later the battle rages on with no resolution, and every time I think about the whole situation it just makes me upset all over again.
So I come home from being in the auto accident to open a piece of mail that informs us that our mortgage will be going up by a huge chunk of change monthly. After hours of phone calls and what amounts to investigative work on my end of things, we are still left with a huge bill that will probably end up being our responsibility due to the negligence and oversight of someone who was involved in the process of preparing the settlement paperwork from when we closed on our house last spring. Do we have any choice in the matter? I still don't know. Add a couple more points onto my blood pressure here, too.
Yet one more stick pulled out of the Jenga tower of my life came yesterday. Mixed in with a stack of junk mail from last month was a piece of paper with a bill in it from the Veteran's Administration asking for their overpayment from when I should have stopped receiving benefits after remarrying. To the tune of over $15,000. Yes, folks, you read that number correctly, and we are talking US dollars. Payable immediately. In one lump sum. Now I may have some hope here, but my local VA office is closed for three weeks in February (no explanation as to why), and by the time help is available I will have two weeks to either cough up the dough, find a creative solution, or have the VA attack my credit.
"Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." -- Psalm 69:1-3
And now I'm supposed to focus on Scripture and questions?!? Actually, yes.
I'll admit now: these big burdens on me are only the tip of the iceberg; just the select few I chose to share. Trust me -- there's more where that came from. When I finally sat down, albeit late, to do my reading of Joshua 6, these questions just really did not jump off the page at me. Yes, I knew I needed to put my nose in the Word, but that was about as far as I could emotionally go. What I believe God showed me through this passage might not have related directly to the questions, but I got a lot out of the reading. So I'd just like to share a few points of how Joshua 6 related to where I am right now.
1) Joshua 6:10 -- "To the people Joshua gave this command: 'You shall not shout or let your voice be heard, nor shall you utter a word, until the day I tell you to shout, Then you shall shout.' "
What I learned: Timing here was everything. It was a matter of trust. The Israelites had a very prescriptive set of directions they had to follow, and I mean to the letter. If you know me very well, you know I am a real conversationalist. That's putting it nicely. I am a talker. I love to share ideas, have conversations with people, share my insights, seek those of others, and so on. I love to connect and relate with people. Can you imagine me, for one whole minute, having to restrain my mouth until the appointed time?!? A daunting task indeed. But what I took away from it was this: Timing for me is everything, too. Ecclesiastes 3:7b tells me that there is "a time to keep silence, and a time to speak." Maybe right now I need to quit relating my tale of drama and woe, shut my mouth, and bare my heart to God and allow him to teach me through this experience. It is my time to silence my mouth and listen. God will let me know when it's time to step up and speak out; until then, I've done enough. In the case of the auto accident, this lady has been mean and nasty since Day One, and it sounds like not much has changed there. Rather than get wound up about it, I need to entrust it to God and wait for instruction. Exodus 14:14 tells me that, "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to keep still." (NRSV) The NKJV says to "hold your peace." Now, this doesn't mean that God is taking sides, or that just because I am a Christian that everything will turn out the way I think it should, but I need to take myself out of this equation for now, be humbled by it, and wait and listen. Pretty simple.
2) Joshua 6:16b-17a, 18 -- " 'Shout! For the LORD has given you the city. The city and all that is in it shall be devoted to the LORD for destruction. As for you keep away from the things devoted to destruction, so as not to covet and take any of the devoted things and make the camp of Israel an object for destruction, bringing trouble upon it.' "
Translated in my mind: OK, here are my EXACT instructions for you here. I have given you a victory in this circumstance, but there are some caveats to how you are to handle this. Do not step one toe over the line, because if you do, you will bring on your own consequences. You've been blessed and warned -- now go!
I may or may not experience what I believe would be successes or victories in any of these situations. But I do know that God's given me exact instructions on how to live my life, to desire that justice be done where everything is concerned, to be morally right and upstanding even if I'm at fault, and that to emerge from these trials knowing that I was obedient to that is the point of all this. It is really hard to trust in this situation, much less obey, but there really is no other way to handle any of this with a clear conscience and feel like right has really been done for all parties concerned.
Which leads me to the song I posted below. Don't know why, but TRUST and OBEY seemed to be two words that jumped out at me from Joshua 6. And wouldn't you know it? There's a great old hymn by the same name. I love this new version by Big Daddy Weave, but before I leave you now to enjoy the song, I want to share the lyrics to the third verse, which they did not include in their version of the song...
Not a burden we bear,
Not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay.
Not a grief or a loss,
Not a frown nor a cross,
But is blest if we trust and obey
Trust and obey,
For there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus,
But to trust and obey.
But in light of the last couple of weeks I've had, my ability to focus on anything has been seriously undermined. First I was in an auto accident in which, thankfully, nobody was hurt. Two weeks later the issue is still unresolved, and as seemingly simple as it should be able to resolve, there is a whole undercurrent of nasty flowing here that started the second the lady stepped out of her car to survey the damage. Two weeks later the battle rages on with no resolution, and every time I think about the whole situation it just makes me upset all over again.
So I come home from being in the auto accident to open a piece of mail that informs us that our mortgage will be going up by a huge chunk of change monthly. After hours of phone calls and what amounts to investigative work on my end of things, we are still left with a huge bill that will probably end up being our responsibility due to the negligence and oversight of someone who was involved in the process of preparing the settlement paperwork from when we closed on our house last spring. Do we have any choice in the matter? I still don't know. Add a couple more points onto my blood pressure here, too.
Yet one more stick pulled out of the Jenga tower of my life came yesterday. Mixed in with a stack of junk mail from last month was a piece of paper with a bill in it from the Veteran's Administration asking for their overpayment from when I should have stopped receiving benefits after remarrying. To the tune of over $15,000. Yes, folks, you read that number correctly, and we are talking US dollars. Payable immediately. In one lump sum. Now I may have some hope here, but my local VA office is closed for three weeks in February (no explanation as to why), and by the time help is available I will have two weeks to either cough up the dough, find a creative solution, or have the VA attack my credit.
"Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." -- Psalm 69:1-3
And now I'm supposed to focus on Scripture and questions?!? Actually, yes.
I'll admit now: these big burdens on me are only the tip of the iceberg; just the select few I chose to share. Trust me -- there's more where that came from. When I finally sat down, albeit late, to do my reading of Joshua 6, these questions just really did not jump off the page at me. Yes, I knew I needed to put my nose in the Word, but that was about as far as I could emotionally go. What I believe God showed me through this passage might not have related directly to the questions, but I got a lot out of the reading. So I'd just like to share a few points of how Joshua 6 related to where I am right now.
1) Joshua 6:10 -- "To the people Joshua gave this command: 'You shall not shout or let your voice be heard, nor shall you utter a word, until the day I tell you to shout, Then you shall shout.' "
What I learned: Timing here was everything. It was a matter of trust. The Israelites had a very prescriptive set of directions they had to follow, and I mean to the letter. If you know me very well, you know I am a real conversationalist. That's putting it nicely. I am a talker. I love to share ideas, have conversations with people, share my insights, seek those of others, and so on. I love to connect and relate with people. Can you imagine me, for one whole minute, having to restrain my mouth until the appointed time?!? A daunting task indeed. But what I took away from it was this: Timing for me is everything, too. Ecclesiastes 3:7b tells me that there is "a time to keep silence, and a time to speak." Maybe right now I need to quit relating my tale of drama and woe, shut my mouth, and bare my heart to God and allow him to teach me through this experience. It is my time to silence my mouth and listen. God will let me know when it's time to step up and speak out; until then, I've done enough. In the case of the auto accident, this lady has been mean and nasty since Day One, and it sounds like not much has changed there. Rather than get wound up about it, I need to entrust it to God and wait for instruction. Exodus 14:14 tells me that, "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to keep still." (NRSV) The NKJV says to "hold your peace." Now, this doesn't mean that God is taking sides, or that just because I am a Christian that everything will turn out the way I think it should, but I need to take myself out of this equation for now, be humbled by it, and wait and listen. Pretty simple.
2) Joshua 6:16b-17a, 18 -- " 'Shout! For the LORD has given you the city. The city and all that is in it shall be devoted to the LORD for destruction. As for you keep away from the things devoted to destruction, so as not to covet and take any of the devoted things and make the camp of Israel an object for destruction, bringing trouble upon it.' "
Translated in my mind: OK, here are my EXACT instructions for you here. I have given you a victory in this circumstance, but there are some caveats to how you are to handle this. Do not step one toe over the line, because if you do, you will bring on your own consequences. You've been blessed and warned -- now go!
I may or may not experience what I believe would be successes or victories in any of these situations. But I do know that God's given me exact instructions on how to live my life, to desire that justice be done where everything is concerned, to be morally right and upstanding even if I'm at fault, and that to emerge from these trials knowing that I was obedient to that is the point of all this. It is really hard to trust in this situation, much less obey, but there really is no other way to handle any of this with a clear conscience and feel like right has really been done for all parties concerned.
Which leads me to the song I posted below. Don't know why, but TRUST and OBEY seemed to be two words that jumped out at me from Joshua 6. And wouldn't you know it? There's a great old hymn by the same name. I love this new version by Big Daddy Weave, but before I leave you now to enjoy the song, I want to share the lyrics to the third verse, which they did not include in their version of the song...
Not a burden we bear,
Not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay.
Not a grief or a loss,
Not a frown nor a cross,
But is blest if we trust and obey
Trust and obey,
For there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus,
But to trust and obey.
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