Meet The Chicas

I, like S4J, am having trouble knowing where to start and what all to say. What makes it worse is that, the longer it is since I've gotten home, I'm losing the freshness of all the memories and the high of being in Pennsylvania this time of year. It's taken me several days of working a paragraph at a time to even get this much out! I'd better crank out a couple of these while my brain is still functioning...

I thought I'd take some time to introduce you to the Chicas. Not all are bloggers, although some are. And let me state right off the bat, as to avoid any unforeseen "issues," that I'm not trying to be clique-ish here. I just want you all to find out what I enjoy about each of the '08 girls. With no further adieu, I give you the Chicas of 2008!

As many of you know, this is HisGirl, mommy and blogger extraordinare. She is the fearless leader in the group, our virtual cruise director. I may be the first one to charge into a burning building, for example, because someone said there is a child trapped inside, but His Girl will stop everything and discern a proper and efficient plan of action that is usually a hundred times more effective than bursting through the door. To say she is zany and hilarious is to really not do her justice, and to say that she thirsts for more knowledge of the Lord is the understatement of the year. I'm the cranky Martha trying to make everything just-so and be a good hostess, while she is the focused Mary, sitting at the feet of the King, soaking up wisdom and love that she doles out in generous measures to everyone in her path. And just when you think she's going to tell you to settle down, she does something completely hysterical like get verklempt over homemade fried chicken at an Amish restaurant. She is the Devoted Disciple of the group.

Next comes S4J, my musical partner in crime. I have known her the longest out of all the girls, and is actually the person who introduced me into the group. S4J is also the co-cruise director. She accuses me of being multi-talented just because I have musical ability. This heffer can take photographs that make Annie Leibowitz look like she's using a Dora the Explorer disposable camera, not to mention sing like a profession and even learned how to play guitar on a 12-string! Her sense of humor is just skewed enough for us to be lots of trouble together yet somehow keep her out of hot water. If you were to be stranded on a desert island with the two of us, I'd be the one trying to make a fire. She would be figuring out how to clean the water and sterilize things, after washing her hands, of course. I'd be kvechting about mosquito bites while she'd be singing some silly song about mosquitos being minions of the devil in the most pleasant voice you've ever heard. She would also let you cry tears of frustration until you were completely exhausted. She is our Loving, Looney Listener.

Our next chica is not a blogger, so she doesn't have an online handle. Let's call her... Rebecca Yoder. Or the Weaverton Schoolmarm. Your choice. Mrs. Yoder here is apparently the one we've got to keep our eyes on. She is quiet, gentle, funny, but has started coming out of her shell. She's like a geode: she may appear like your average, everyday stone you might find on a naturewalk, but once you have cracked this stone in half, there are brilliant, spectacular crystalline formations that you would never know was there if you only looked at the outside of the stone. What an unexpected surprise! When I first met RY she was quiet and reserved but always sweet as shoo-fly pie. Then last year in Seattle she surprised me by playing percussion (read: homemade shaker) during praise and worship. This year she pulled the rug out from under us! Not only was it her idea to put a certain someone's chonies on the line for "Jacob Yoder" next door to see, she hornswoggled us into a one room schoolhouse for an encounter with the living dead! (Think the Amish version of "Children of the Corn" and you'd be on the right track...) That sneaky Rebecca Yoder. It's always those quiet ones that you never suspect. That's why she's our Blossoming Blessing.

Here is one of our newest chicas, fresh off the farm. I really think this picture speaks more volumes that you could ever know. Also not a blogger, this new chikkie -- let's call her Bambi Stoltzenfus -- is my SOUL MATE! (OK, like, in a friend-to-friend way, you dirty birds!) It's a rare thing when I meet someone who shares so many qualities of mine. There is another chica who falls into this category, but she was not able to be here for this year's excursion. At any rate, I worried that we I would run her off and make her think we were complete weirdos. Yeah, right! Not only did she fit right in, she helped us take our ridiculous silliness to unheard-of levels. I don't think I've laughed so hard in my life about teaching kids why they need to use handsoap! If you were at a New Kids On The Block concert with her and asked her, in a moment of adolescent stupidity temporary weakness, if you should throw your panties on stage, she'd be two steps ahead of you: she'd unsnap the sides and give hers a toss and look at you like, "Hurry up!" However, I think my favorite thing about Mrs. Stoltzenfus is, in addition to her hijinks and hilarity, she is incredibly grounded and unwavering in her faith. She is the High-Octane, High-Quality Chica.

Meet yet another new chica, Jenster. (She's the one on the left.) Jenster graciously opened her home and hospitality to S4J and myself the night before the other chicas arrived on the scene, and I wonder if she had any way of knowing just what she was getting herself into! Mwaa ahh ahhh!! At any rate, she's funny, sneaky, and can crack the funniest joke you've ever heard while keeping a completely straight face. Two seconds after she's said the most hilarious, snarky thing you've heard in your life, she's overflowing with a wisdom and perception of how real life intersects with scripture and holy relationship that just blows your mind. On top of being a wife, a mother, a breast cancer survivor, and new chica, she is also gifted at speaking and integrating how faith should look in our lives, not how we should talk about what we believe. She is definitely the Deep Waters Chica.


This is our Chikkie. She makes each and every trip with us, in full garb depending on where the Chicas are headed that year. This year she is sporting her plain clothes, reminding us to focus on simplicity and keeping it simple. She may be the quietest member of the group, but her presence is always required in group pictures and ridiculous antics. Part of the fun of going on this trip each year, besides the big "reveal" of where we're headed to next, is to find out what Chikkie will be wearing to coordinate with the new location or theme. Not seen here in this picture is her evil twin, the Dirty Birdie. DB hasn't actually made an official appearance yet on these trips, but her presence is well-known and represented! We try to keep this under wraps, but once you get a gaggle of women together, well, you can imagine how it goes from there!

Lastly, here I am, giving you my best Jacob Yoder impression, trying desperately not to wet my pants with stifled laughter. If you could only know how hard we laughed on this trip, you'd think we would all have ripped abs by now! As for what I bring to the group, that depends on who you ask. Despite what actually ends up transpiring, I attempt to bring music and laughter to the group. I can usually be counted on to say something off-color to get someone to laugh or purposefully get the group charged up and their energy flowing. Which chica would I be, then? I'm just good ol' GGG.

Labor Day

Have you ever made a complete and total ass of yourself? No? OK, good, I was pretty sure I'm the only one who has...

I have spent this Labor Day torn between two activities: watching Hurricane Gustav news and updates like I watched on 9/11 (i.e., obsessively) and laboring over something in my heart.

I'm relieved that Gustav turned out to not be Katrina Part Deaux. (Would that be Katrina, Jr.? Can females be, "Jr.'s?" Who can know...) I think the next few days will be interesting as damage assessments begin to filter in and we get a better picture of actual damage done to the coast. Here's hoping that everyone will continue to do the right thing...

The other activity has consumed both my conscious and subconscious thoughts. It affected my dream last night that woke me with a start and left me with a sour taste in my mouth for most of the day. I know that the person against whom I have sinned does not read my blog; nonetheless, it wouldn't be appropriate to give the gory details thereof. Mainly, it would make me look like a major jerk, but the details are personal, so there you have it.

I knew, before I said the offending sentence, that what I was about to say was waaaaay out of line. I knew that it was going to end up being hurtful, even though I really didn't want to hurt this person. What I really wanted to do was underscore a point I was trying to make that this individual just didn't quite get, and I was getting fed up of trying to be reasonable. I was trying to get their attention and get them to see how frustrating this whole situation was. What resulted was me saying something terrible that cannot be taken back.

Have you ever experienced that minute pause in time when you felt it, where you formed the thought, it traveled to your mouth and rolled in the air between your soft palate and your tongue, which stood poised to project the evil thought into audible history? That split second where your conscience (a.k.a. the Holy Spirit) caught your breath before you pushed right past it in an effort to get your attention before you made a wound that would leave a scar behind, even if it healed?

I plunged right on past all the flashing signals and red lights into a terrible thing to say, and I can't take it back. I didn't really mean it, but it's been said.

I've gone back and replayed this in my mind, from start to finish. The conversation started innocently enough, but once it took a turn, the horses were out of the gate, and there was no stopping them. I apologized yesterday for what I said, and I feel the need to reaffirm my regrets now that I've had a chance to reflect. I don't expect this person forgave me yesterday, and quite frankly I don't know that they ever will. Now I've created this ugly space in the relationship that will bug me for months to come.

A friend of mine from FT Polk introduced this verse to me that I used to lay claim to almost daily, and I think, in light of last night's turn of events, it's worth revisiting:

"Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips." -- Psalm 141:3

The whole psalm is good, but this verse is perfect for those of us who suffer from verbal diarrhea. It's Pepto Bismol for the soul, I guess. (Oh dear, that's just foul!)

Something I've learned about myself through all this is that I'm a selfish, sinful person. I expect everyone I know to care about me, to care about what's going on in my life, my opinions and views on things, help me to think out or solve my problems, etc. I, in turn, want to be there for them. I want to know about what matters to my friends and loved ones, what touches them, what makes them cry, what they struggle with, the tedious details of their everyday lives. Not everyone likes or appreciates a psychostalker friend who acts this way; it's high maintenance. And I've also noticed that I'm not a person that people turn to when they are in need, and that breaks my heart. I've got to be the kind of friend I want to have, but I can't go around pretending I'm someone I'm really not. God has given me certain gifts and sensitivities that others may not have.

I may have jeorpardized this relationship for one stupid collection of words. I know I can ask forgiveness from God and that the sin will be wiped away, but I feel like the penance for consciously stepping outside the boundaries of grace-full living is paid a thousand times over in my heart...

MeMe: Let's Play Favorites!

FAVORITE PERSON OUTSIDE OF FAMILY...

OK, my obvious answer would be R., but I'm trying to think of someone that I'm not even romantically linked to here. How do I even begin to narrow it down to one name?!? Out of my top 100, I will randomly pick two who hold equal sway with me. Pastor Phil and Pastor Kurt, two of my "professors" at PLMA. Pastor Phil is the words "grace" and "love" come to life. He plays guitar to open and close his lectures, cries almost every time he prays, and is just a great mentor. Pastor Kurt has challenged what I claim I believe and opened many doors to thinking for me. As a result, I can't just sit down and read my Bible for a simple devotion. So many think come flying off the page at me that it just makes my brain hurt, and I'm so thankful for that!

FAVORITE FOOD...

Again, so hard to narrow it down to just one. I love ethnic foods of all kinds. Then again, down home cookin' and comfort food can't be beat, either. I think the best food is that which satisfies as many of your senses at one time as possible. Anything involving gravy rates top-notch, as does garlic and cheese. Oooh, oooh, Gordon-Biersch garlic fries rock!

QUIRKS ABOUT ME...

Holy Schnikes, this could get long! Mmmm, I prefer even numbers to the extent that I only put my thermostats on even numbers. I also can't sleep in a bed that doesn't have the sheets tightly tucked in at the foot of the bed. I can't stand a wrag or sponge to be left sitting sopping wet in the bottom of a sink. You know, little things...

HOW WOULD THE PERSON WHO LOVES ME DESCRIBE ME IN TEN OR LESS WORDS...

From R.'s perspective, I think he might say passionate, emotional, motivated, goofy, and he'd better say deeply sensitive. Actually, this afternoon he called me bipolar because I went from being self-confident and excited about something to wishy-washy and self-doubting in about 20 seconds.


From Lil' G and Bud's perspective, I think they would say silly, loving, strict, fun, safe/protective, whatever fits whether or not they're watching cartoons or sitting in Time Out.

ANY REGRETS IN LIFE...

I have more of these than I do quirks, but only because I'm so hard on myself. Maybe that should be Regret #1, because it can really steal my joy. Many days I regret not going in the military. I regret not stopping Tom on the stairs for one last kiss that last morning, or taking him some lunch. I regret so many things, but I always know I can come to my Father and cry it out. It's time to quit regretting and starting getting down that road.

FAVORITE CHARITY/CAUSE...

Definitely NOT the Department of Public Safety Officer's Association because they stalk me and guilt-trip me about donating money to them. I love World Vision and anything that helps children and families. I also love anything that supports soldiers, single or married, and their families.

FAVORITE BLOG RECENTLY...

See my last post...

SOMETHING I DON'T GET ENOUGH OF...

R.'s kisses on top of my head as we're just standing or sitting around, hearing the kids running around or having them crawl all over us... My children's smiles... Feeling like things are going to be OK on a long-term basis...

WORST JOB I'VE EVER HAD...

I would say at a vet's office were I was the kennel worker, a.k.a. human pooper scooper, but that was actually a step up from the insurance office I worked at for about nine months in college.

WHAT JOB WOULD YOU PAY NOT TO HAVE...

Anything that would qualify me to be on the cast for "Verminators."

FAVORITE BIBLE VERSE...

More of these than regrets, thankfully!!! Really, it all comes down to John 17:20-26. Jesus was praying for all those, in the days of world history to come from that point forward, who would believe in Him. He was praying for ME!! He had my name on His mind, interceded for me, just before He was to be crucified. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

GUILTY PLEASURE...

The grande-sized Cold Buster w/ energy booster from Jamba Juice.

FAVORITE THING ABOUT MY HOUSE...

My kitchen and my bathroom. Really nice w/ marble in the bath and granite and great appliances in the kitchen. Which is good b/c I live in the kitchen.

LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT MY HOUSE...

That it's in the hottest state in the union. :)

IF I COULD CHANGE MY CIRCUMSTANCES, WHAT WOULD I CHANGE...

that I would have the patience to allow God to let things unfold at His timing and that I would not worry about the future. I can trust R. and God, and I don't have to be in the driver's seat.

WHO WOULD I LIKE TO MEET SOMEDAY...

Other than getting to meet my Savior, it's all downhill from there.

WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL SEXY...

The fact that R. loves me with no make-up on and the fact that I am healthier than I've been in a good 10-15 years.

WHO IS MY REAL LIFE HERO?

My children, hands down. They've gone through more in their lives than most adults I know, and they still love, trust, laugh, and are happy.

WHAT IS THE HARDEST PART OF MY JOB?

Having to do it by myself.

WHEN AM I MOST RELAXED?

When I'm with R. and the kids.

WHAT STRESSES ME OUT THE MOST?

My inability to have patience and trust. I allow people and/or circumstances to get me all wound up.

WHAT CAN I NOT LIVE WITHOUT?

Besides the obvious answer (kids), hands down my iPhone, which I learned the hard way this week... Sounds like a blog waiting to happen...

WHY DO I BLOG?

Lotsa reasons. I started blogging on MySpace two years ago because I felt like I wanted to be a positive portal on that smut hole. I wanted to put myself in a position to reach people with my story and show them the Gospel through my friendship and my experiences. I don't care a thing about bringing people to the Lord through "leading them through the sinner's prayer" or throwing theology or scripture at them. If they are going to respond to the Holy Spirit, that's great. I simply wanted to be used by God as an instrument as He calls people to Himself. To be transparent and let people dissect my life and examine their own. Truly, I'd love to be another Dooce and make my living off of my blogging and/or publish books like David Sedaris.

WHO AM I TAGGING?

If you've read this, you're tagged! Just post a comment with a link to your site and we'll throw some traffic your way!!

Analyze Me, Please!

As if there was ever any doubt...

Today's Verse: Matthew 6:34

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (NKJV)

The NIV words the last part of the verse a little less eloquently but couldn't be more simply put: "...Each day has enough trouble of its own."

************

Why, oh why, Lord, do I do this to myself? How many times do I have to hear You tell me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made before I will actually, truly, permanently believe it?

I'll let you all in on a little secret: I am a total schizo!!! OK, not clinically diagnosed or anything, but as R. and my closest friends can attest, I can be a real "interesting" personality to deal with. I am a tempestuous person who has really high highs and tragically low lows with little grey area in between. There is a good fraction of the time where I'm on a pretty even keel, but if even a slight gust of wind should blow past my spinning plate of life, I wobble so violently that I feel like I'm going to slip off the stick and crash to the ground. Being a person of extremes can actually be a positive thing: I am one of those who can't "settle" for something, or is 110% behind a worthy cause. On the other hand, if you hurt my feelings, there's a good chance I'll never tell you, and I'll nurse the wound for, pretty much, forever. Not a strong point!

So I've apparently been in this funk as of late. Today while talking to R. on the phone, I asked him, "What is wrong with me?!? How long have I been this unbearable to be around??? It's making me crazy!!" To which he gave an honest answer that surprised me. I figured I'd been out of sorts for a few days; he estimated more like a week or two. What?!? But as he went on the explain what he meant, I realized he was very intuitive to my idiosyncrosies and was, unfortunately, right. (No one tell him I admitted this in public!!)

Something I know I've been doing ever since Tom died, and truth be known really for most of my life, has been putting myself down. Putting myself in the "social outcast" category and simply assuming that this was society's view of me. How unjust! How cruel! Screw them!! What my BFF, S., pointed out to me today was that I need to take these thoughts captive. They are just my schizo brain working against me. I know that none of it is true. God loves me, has blessed me, is faithful and will do it again. My children are beautiful and sweet and are lovable to more people than just me. R. has been graciously brought into my life, my parents are alive and healthy, I am healthier than I have been in 12 years. So what is my flippin' problem, anyhow?!?

Me. Plain and simple. More specifically, I have a disease called, "Whatif." Apparently, I naturally release a neurotoxin into my brain that completely paralyzes it to function rationally. It is characterized by ridiculous hypothetical thinking and "war gaming" a response to said hypothetical situations. While one part of me says that it helps me to emotionally prepare for things that would otherwise be tragic circumstances (a la the loss of my spouse), it makes me unable to let the sun fall on my face and smile that God has blessed me with another day of this life. To put it another way, it steals my joy.

Back to the scripture now... This passage is smack in the middle of the Sermon on the Mount in the Book of Matthew. Jesus is telling the people gathered there things that will help them to lead godly lives. He must've known I'd be reading this at some point in history and made sure that the scribes didn't edit this part out. Look back at v. 25: "...do not worry about your life..." and then at v. 32: "For your heavenly Father nows that you need all these things." Then we get into what we should really be occupying our time with, such as seeking the kingdom, etc.

Worry = trust in my book. I hate myself for being this worrier because I feel like it sends a message to God that says, "Yeah, about that help you gave me right after Tom died, yeah, thanks for that. But I'm gonna have to hold onto this other tiny crap because I'm just not sure if You're up to the job. I'll need to see some references and then someone will contact you..." Jesus tells us not to worry!! I really don't want to be disobedient to Big J! And by holding onto it, that's the message I feel like I send to Him. Ick.

Jesus also speaks to those of us who like to rationalize it. Don't we have enough on our plates from one day to the next to keep us busy? Why do we have to ask for stress and issues in advance? How absurd! I feel like my own worst enemy. Satan doesn't have to do much work on me to inch me off my walk with God; I tend to do the work for him. P-U!

So, I'm going to try really hard, every single day, to take these thoughts captive. This won't stop overnight. But each day is a new day -- "His mercies are new EVERY morning; GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS!!" (Lamentations 3:23)

What's In A Meme?

I know I have not been consistently regular blogger (I wonder if they make an on-line laxative for that??? hmm... Oh, sorry, haha...), so I'm using this as my writing prompt for the day.

Here are the rules:

(1) Link to the person that tagged you. (OK, His Girl)

(2) Post the rules on your blog. (Done.)

(3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. (Only six?!? Crikey!!)

(4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs. (I don't know that many, but I will link to a couple and also leave it open for anyone who happens by my site!)

(5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website. (Can it be a snarky comment, or do I have to behave?? Hmph...)

Now for six random quirks....

#1: I love even numbers. I didn't realize I was doing this until a few months ago. I noticed that, while driving in the car, I would adjust the temperature in the car and only stop on even numbers. It really irritated me to stop on an odd number. I'm the same way in the house with the thermostat. I prefer even numbers of items. I can't explain it, but there it is.

#2: I have a very short attention span. This can feel like a real handicap. I love to have these long-winded explanations of things and expect everyone within earshot to be hanging on my every word for as long as my wisdom is pouring forth; however, I am almost physically unable to give such attention to others. Reading long blogs or emails just doesn't happen. I either delete it or come back to it later. It is probably this quality of me that keeps me from taking projects to completion.

#3: I obsess about planning. I operate off of two calendars in my home and also use my palm pilot and iPhone calendar. Not only that, the calendars in my home are color coded. And I'm absolutely, always thinking at least 1-3 months in advance. Yes, that makes the present stressful. This is a quirk about myself that I really don't like, too, and it's one that I think I subconsciously developed as a survival tool after Tom died. I've alwas been a planner, but not to this psychotic level.

#4: I sleep with my bedroom door closed and locked. I startle very easily at night, and my kids and cats have freaked me out in the middle of a deep sleep. At least this way I know I won't wake up as I'm being assailed!

#5: I, too, obsess about checking email. So irritating. I check it almost every time I walk past the office. Not that I am expecting anything in particular. I check it "just in case." Actually, I do the same thing with my front porch. I check it every time I drive up to my house just in case I have a package sitting on the doorstep. Not that I'm expecting anything most days. It's just that I never enter or exit through that door, and if something were left there, I'd never see it unless I check on my way up the driveway. Silly, yes. :)

#6: I haven't done this in a looooong time, but back in my heyday, I could diagram the Preamble to the Constitution of the United States of America. Yes, it's actually one sentence, just chock full of infinitive phrases.

Geez, out of that entire list, the only one that isn't completely embarassing and negative is #6! What does that tell ya?

OK, as for tags, I'll tag Sing4Joy and Red Lipstick Diaries. YOU'RE IT!

It's also open to anyone else! (Admittedly, I don't know a lot of people on here, so please let me know if you do this thingie and I'll link up w/ you!)

I'd like to blog next about a passage from Ephesians that I'm reading for a class. Or maybe my friends who recently lost their baby. Or maybe my sweet, yet insane children. Life certainly offers more than enough to kvetch about or discuss -- oy!