Looking Behind, Forward, and Within

So I meant to write a sort of "2010 in review" type blog on New Year's Eve, but things were crazy busy as we were preparing to have friends over to help us ring in 2011. I want to put 2010 on the shelf and open up the books on 2011, so let's take a stroll down Amnesia Lane, shall we?

LOOKING BEHIND -- 2010

1. Natural Disasters. 2010 was a hallmark year for Mother Nature, don't you think? The earthquake that hit Haiti almost a year ago is still big news as cholera and hurricanes pummel this forlorn place. There have been equally beautiful and disgusting stories that have emerged from Haiti, and I for one hope that God spares these people for a few generations. Wow.

Not too long after that we had other major earthquakes that threatened places like Hawai'i with tsunamis half a world away, that crazy volcano erupted in Iceland and threw air travel amuck, and then, as if Louisiana hasn't been smacked around enough, the Deepwater Horizon oil well began belching crude into the Gulf of Mexico. I don't think the human mind can actually comprehend numbers over about 100 or 200 sometimes. Just to think about the amount of water in the Gulf of Mexico is completely mind numbing, but to think about the volume of oil lost in the Gulf -- and the potential revenue at the gas pump -- also blows my cogs asunder. And as much as Hollywood loves to put depressing songs to video clips of oil-drenched pelicans and scold us for not being greener, I think the only people with a real grasp of what this oil spill really means for this ecosystem are the scientists. People, the real horror has probably not even yet begun.

2. H1N1. Remember when we were all worried about this? And all of a sudden there was a shortage of vaccines? I think the scariest part was the number of school aged children who actually died as a result of this virus. As a parent, it is so scary when your kids get something like a virus. You have to wait for some of these things to run their course, and I do not care for things I cannot control. Bud actually got H1N1, but we caught it in time and he did not develop some of the scary symptoms that others had. Close enough of a call for me!

3. Major sports events. Uh, were there Olympics last year? I remember, as a kid, this was such a big deal. I really don't remember this even being on last year. Apparently they were in Canada, which could explain it. I don't keep up much with Canada I guess. Add to that list the World Cup, which apparently took place in Africa. All I remember was people complaining about vuvuzelas and an octopus that was consistently picking the winners of matches. Guess I don't keep up with Africa, either.

4. Facebook. HELLO! This is something with which I have some knowledge! Finally! Facebook has been around since 2004, but it really seemed to reach its stride this year. Anyone who's anyone has a Facebook page. Even businesses are utilizing this as a way to promote themselves. I think it is nothing short of a miracle, although I can certainly understand how it can be used for negative purposes. In my life, it has been a significant blessing. People who are near and dear to me would otherwise be lost to the world of military moves and scattered to the four winds, possibly never to be heard from again. To be able to keep in touch with great friends, keep family updated with pictures of the kids, and to reconnect with people I haven't seen or heard from in years has been such a blessing to me. If this site were to ever disappear, I cannot imagine how heartbreaking that would be to be reduced to trying to scramble for all those email addresses or *gasps* snail mail addresses. Oh yeah, and add iPhone 4 and iPad to this list of amazing technology.

5. Lady GaGa, Justin Beiber, Snooki, et. al. Seriously?

6. The Hashtag (#). What the heck is this all about? Everyone does it. Why? I'm thinking I could live without this.

7. Personal life changes. Geez, where do I even start?!? I thought 2005 was a hallmark year of change for my family and me. I'm starting to think that year was easy compared to 2010. Given, I went through a devasating loss in 2005, but when you just look at pure stressors in life, death of a spouse or child is the top human stressor, and marriage is only six steps down. Amazing! 2010 held for me planning a wedding and getting married, buying a house and moving to a part of the country in which I had never been before, buying a new car and making the 2400 mile trek to said house by myself with the kids, getting pregnant and having a miscarriage (and this story has continued to evolve), trying to adjust to being married, getting a dog, and attempting to figure out who I am at this stage in life. All I know is that, even as much as the good Lord has thrown at me and as much as I prayed that would, in fact, be thrown at me, somehow I've survived with a generally positive outlook. I am completely convinced that I have been borne on wings of prayer by my friends and family, who have never wavered in their love and support for my family and me and without whom my life would be incomplete.

ENOUGH OF 2010! Let's peek ahead at 2011 and what's going on in my world:

1. TDY and deployment. It's a necessary evil in the lives of military personnel and their families. I know we will see our fair share, and all I can say is the sooner we get it started the sooner it is over. It seems like there's a constant revolving door of friends whose spouses are getting ready to go, those who are in the middle of deployment, and those who are cleaning their houses and shaving their legs on their way out the door to welcome someone home. At least this is one aspect of life that never seems to change.

2. Backpacking Through Joshua. I have signed up for an online study written by none other than HisGirl. I pray that I will have the discipline to see this study through. It is a long study but seems to be broken up into quite manageable segments. I'll say this -- there is no foreseeable good reason why I should not be able to make this a priority and learn and grow immensely from it. But isn't this a little like purchasing a gym membership before the new year? They say that it takes a month to form a habit, and I can tell you from experience it can take about 48 hours to destroy a good habit. The only person here who can keep me motivated to uphold my commitment is the Almighty. I know and trust that there are some serious blessings waiting to be had if only I will trust and obey.

3. Simplify. I have this intuition that this is going to be a do-or-die situation for me. I am tired of living life feeling like I'm running late, doing things just barely in time, only "making ends meet". The house we live in is large (for me), but not so large that I feel like it's worth the money to have someone come in to clean on a regular basis. I know I wrote as recently as last November about wanting to be like Abigail or the Proverbs 31 woman, and I know that's a tall order for any woman. All I want is for my countertops to be uncluttered, the bills to be paid and the laundry done, the bathrooms to be clean, the floors to be clean, and meals to be homecooked, nutritious, and easy to make and clean up. I want our closets to be full but not bursting, our pantry to be well-stocked but not have so much junk that it's falling off the shelves, and there to be systems of organization that are easy for every member of the family to be responsible to keep up with and not just me coming behind them all after they depart for the day's battles. What good is organization if it's not easy enough to do on a daily basis? As we hope to grow our family from a family of four to five or maybe even six, we've got to do more with less. Less stuff, less time, less money. Maybe I should add the word "efficiency" to "simplify".

4. Time to look inward. This is really an extension of numbers two and three. I want to be involved less out of the home and more in the home. I will be involved in the online Bible study, as well as my usual PWOC study commitment. I love to read but never have time to finish anything. I've decided that changes.effective.immediately. There is a book club I plan on joining this month, and I'm reading, "The Disappearing Spoon And Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World From the Periodic Table of the Elements," by Sam Kean. Looks crazy cool. I will still be involved in PWOC and volunteer at the kids' school, but other than that I want to have a cozy place to sit down with a book, a guitar, or a computer keyboard. Or better yet get out when the weather begins to change and get my garden up and running. Either way, I desperately need the pace to be slower this year.

5. Something big is brewing... I think I'm going to leave this as a teaser, but I can guarantee you that, when it makes its appearance, it will be BIG. At least, the first two were... Hmmmm...

I leave you now with the verse for 1 JAN on my eternal calendar, a great reminder to start each and every year with. Many blessings to you and yours for 2011!

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " -- Jeremiah 29:11

Communion, Cats, and Coconuts

Bum bum BUUUMMMM!!!! I'm baaaackkk!

Yes, I've been away for, well, a little while. Some Many of you have noticed that it's been almost three months since my last entry. Several reasons for that:

1) As mentioned in the previous entry, I've been concentrating time back in the gym. I realized that the holiday pounds were sticking around, and I was already back from my spring break trip with the kids -- in March. I've kept up my committment to pilates and stepped up my cardio to three days/week. I ended up scrapping the CrossFit because it was really bulking me up. I looked like a ghetto girl sans ghetto, bootily speaking. Wasn't pretty. Had to drop weightlifting altogether, and my joints were happy to hear the news.

2) My former pastor officially left at the end of February, leaving me to stand in the gap for a crucial area of ministry that had been neglected -- fellowshipping with and taking communion to our shut-ins. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, a "shut-in" is someone in ill health or has any sundry other reason(s) why they are unable to come and worship with us at Sunday services. Many times these people are in nursing homes or assisted living facilities; other times, they are simply home-bound and it isn't safe for them to venture out of the house or be around crowds of germ-toting people. This item right here is an entire series of blogs that have been simmering in my heart like rich, hearty gumbo -- it's worth blogging about, but I will have to be careful to be confidential. So so so many things I want to share that I have learned while serving in this capacity. Needless to say, since we have not had a full time pastor, I'm the one making hospital visits and making sure these people are not forgotten during times of transition.

3) Spring break came in March, and we braved the wet and cold to spend time with R. These trips are so much fun. The kids are old pros now at navigating airports, long lines at security, and moving walkways. Flying through Denver feels like stopping at an old friend's house at this point.

4) We had to find a new home for the cats. This was a significant emotional event at my house. I spent many a sleepless night in prayer, which may seem silly considering what a burden and source of annoyance Newman in particular has been (the white one), but they have always been family nonetheless. Blog forthcoming on this topic for sure.

5) The month of April is a nightmare some years. This year really wasn't too bad, church-wise. The lenten season brings with it extra fellowship opportunities during the week, as well as contemplative worship time. Unfortunately, extra rehearsals for church musicians can wear out small children and their already-worn-out parents. My nephews also have birthdays two weeks apart in April, so we are always pulled in many directions this month. Went by in a flash.

6) We just went to Hawai'i for eight days and partied our coconuts off! We came home feeling like solar panels for the lush, tropical sun. We made sure R. wasn't lonely over there as he worked, and we also made sure that the beaches and pools were well-supervised. I was repeatedly hit on by a homeless diabetic man who wore a wool beanie to the pool and claimed to be Sean Connery and wanted to spread the Good News of the gospel. Apparently, God had only called him to spread said Good News to women in two piece bathing suits, so poor R. missed out on the fun.

The bummer of this trip is two-fold. Readjusting to the time change, which for us is five hours this time of year. The kids, as per usual, did fine. I was dragging for a couple of days. But I came back to a calendar with nothing on it, and I was so bored not having R. around. Also, switching from having someone with whom to share your time, even the mundane everyday sort of stuff, to being a single parent who sits in a quiet house alone every night is nothing short of bizarre. And even though there's always conversation over the phone, nothing beats having a shoulder to curl up next to as you laugh hysterically at "King of the Hill."

Am I sorry for the lag time here? No, not really. I have missed all the people that read my blog and leave comments. I will confess: I haven't actually been keeping up with my bloglines. I'm sure the post count is well into four digits at the rate most of you guys blog. But to be quite honest, I love working out. I love the smell of fresh-cut grass and something cooking on the grill. I love hanging out with 90 year-olds who are raging against the dying of the light or have served proudly in WWII and Korea. I love chaperoning field trips (sometimes). I love ripping weeds out of my yard and re-discovering my flower bed. I love watching the sun set as I drink a frozen sangria-swirled margarita while the kids chase bugs and watch the boats go by at one of my new favorite restaurants. I love spending time, even if we don't speak with words, with my sweetie. I love rescuing garden snakes from being run over in traffic. I'd trade real life for a computer screen any day of the week.

The Week(s) In Review

"A cheerful heart is a good medicine." -- Proverbs 17:22

I just realized today, as I was catching up on all of my Bloglines feeds, that I have been relatively "offline" for almost two weeks now. It seems like a lot longer than that! Not only have I not posted in that long, I also have read very few posts of others. My apologies for being such a slacker!

If your house is anything like mine right now, it's a real mixture of excitement and exhaustion, long grocery lists, recitals, exponential amounts of laundry and cleaning to do, and a potentially sick child as of bedtime tonight. In the midst of this, I'm trying to keep my chin up and soldier on, but my knees are already starting to feel a little weak. Between PMSing this week and celebrating T's third birthday in heaven, I know that God is going to have his hands full listening to my prayers for the next week or so!

In light of all that has gone on in the last two weeks, and all that will undoubtedly transpire over the next one, I thought I'd take this point by point and try to find God's fingerprint in all this mess...

Recitals: Li'l G has had two of these in the last ten days, one of which went for about two hours and ended around 8:30 P.M. on a school night. Ugh!! The one today was so, well, weird. Let me just say that the recital itself went well and was thankfully only 20 minutes long. But when we were warming up and rehearsing her "piece," her debut of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," she just mentally shut down. Couldn't even remember the song. Partly she was distracted by Bud watching "Pinky Dinky Doo" in the background, but I suspect now that she wasn't feeling very well. It really made me panic -- she was about to perform this song by herself and she couldn't remember even half of the song that she's practiced almost flawlessly since August! Somehow she pulled it off and did a really good job, but you could tell by looking at her face during the recital something just wasn't right. Then she tossed her cookies tonight after dinner. GREAT! TMI, I know, but I'm a mom so I have no qualms discussing childhood ailments. Now I feel like a total dragon mom for hounding my kid to get out there and do her best when all she probably wanted to do was lay down and croak because she had a low grade fever and wanted to sleep. Where is God in this? In the sweet little face of my beautiful baby girl. She is such a fighter and wants desperately for me to be proud of her. One more recital after Thanksgiving and then we get a month-long break, thank God!

Parish Lay Ministry Academy: I attended my last class session last weekend, and literally wanted to throw a tantrum and refuse to leave when the day was over! This two-year program has been such an amazing experience; it has literally changed my life. I can honestly say that, while I'm so incredibly grateful for this experience, it's made my life extremely difficult in many ways. First of all, there is the time when you have to complete reading assignments, papers, and projects. The kids have certainly watched their fair share of movies or played unsupervised in the backyard (gated and locked, though -- I promise!), and many family members have come through to hang out with them as I spend full-length days in class. Even though these have been serious sacrifices for me, the real difficulties have been internal. While I have had to read some borderline-heretical material, God gave me a clear understanding of what was false teaching and what wasn't and why that was so. I have had to excavate some serious familial demons, assess my own spiritual understandings, and measure that up against society's yardstick. The real problem I'm having is that I have come to some stark, clear understandings about myself and how I believe based on things I have learned. In and of itself, this is not the problem; rather, the problem is how to interact in the world, quite honestly. There are certain perspectives out there, popular and seemingly Biblically based, that I just cannot endorse anymore. Combine my strong conviction with my personality and that should pretty much explain my conundrum in a nutshell. I've also come to the conclusion that I need to pursue seminary. Every possible avenue I've looked into has turned into a dead-end so far, so I'm taking at least the first half of next year to digest what I've learned, get back into shape, volunteer at Li'l G's school, and see what unfolds. I want to savor this time of my children being young and still wanting to be around me. I just have this nagging feeling that my days are numbered the way they stand right now, and I want to enjoy each of those days and cherish them. Where is God in all this? Oh man, he's ALL up in my grill. I feel like Martin Luther walking through that field dodging lightning bolts. The problem is, I'm still unclear on where any of this is leading. So I'm putting the ball back in God's court. And waiting. Again...

Church stuff: Good.grief. You can't even BEGIN to know how much stress this has brought to my life over the last couple of months, much less the last two weeks. Some days I don't know whether to thank God that he put me in the position where I am or to curse the day I decided I needed to be involved. I can say this: I'm learning a LOT about people, both in general and specific ones. In my church in particular, I'm having such a weird experience. To my knowledge, I think I'm the first charter member child who has ended up serving on our church council, which is kinda cool, but is also very eye-opening. I have even asked my praise band cohorts, "Have things always been this way?!? If so, was I just blind to it because I was a kid and didn't notice?!?" Where is God in this big, hairy tangle? Good question! No, seriously, I know he's there. This whole season at my church is like a fire that was raging hot and engulfed with flames at one point and has now been reduced to a pile of ashes. If you poke around in the thick mound of ashes, you will still find a handful of red, glowing embers, and given the right conditions, that fire can be ignited again. Because I'm an emotional person to whom it comes more naturally to react and take things personally, I get all wound around the axle about the drama going on and even want to wash my hands of the whole thing sometimes, but I'm really learning that a handful of people respect my opinions, so I try to be clear and deliberate about what I say. I'm also learning the power of saying nothing. (I know, I know, stop the presses! haha!!) But as I have learned from Exodus 14:14, the battle does not belong to me; however, I am really trying hard to discern what role God would have me take in the next steps we take as a congregation. It's definitely a labor of love for me.

Thanksgiving/Gathering With Family: Who else's Thanksgiving gathering this week will put the "fun" back in "dysfunctional"?!? There is so much strife floating around in my family that at one point today I was actually having chest pains. Once again I was asking, "Have things always been this way?!? Or was I just too young to have noticed that the adults aren't playing nicely together?!?" R. is coming this year and will help us with some of the food prep. I always love schlepping him around with me at these kinds of things. His perspective is unbiased and fresh when it comes to assessing the social atmosphere at these gatherings, and I really appreciate his insights. To be honest with you, I'm desperate for this to be a relaxed, joyous occasion. I want the food to be scrumptious, the weather to be chilly, the home in which we're gathering to be cozy, and the laughter to be contagious. What I absolutely, down-to-my-core cannot handle is eyes rolling, back-biting conversations in hallways and corners, or just crankiness in general. With the third anniversary of T's accident and death just two days later, I am striving with all my might to reclaim Thanksgiving as the happy, comforting gathering that it was when I was a kid, both for my children and for my own sanity. Family drama needs to take a vacation, for crying out loud. Where, oh where is God in this picture? Going straight up my spine and into my heart, keeping me upright with a smile on my face to get me through this holiday. I'm counting on it 200%.

Advent/Christmas: It's been hard for me to have the emotional energy left for this holiday over the last couple of years, and for longer than that I've been so righteously pissed at what our society has made of this holiday. However, this year I have decided to take this holiday captive, too. I'm going as overboard as I can possibly go and still have a dollar left to my name. I'm trying to participate in as many opportunities to provide gifts or support as I can. I am trying to make the house festive and exciting for the kids. I'm trying to wrap my heart around the miracle of Jesus' birth, who He truly is, and how to apply this in my life. I want the kids to have a magical, memorable holiday, while also seeing that not everyone has warm, soft PJs and toys. I want them to be able to connect the soft, sweet baby in the manger to the grown man on the cross at some point. Advent is a season of preparation, sometimes somber anticipation, but always a time of remembrance that God is faithful and fulfills his promises, including his promise to send the Messiah because of his love for us, even when we don't always love him back.

To be honest with you, I haven't been very cheerful lately, which is why I chose the opening verse. And in catching up on some of my blogs, I can tell I'm not the only one. It's a hard time of year for more people than we realize. Case in point, my cousin's sister was just taken off life support recently and died. She had sustained a Christopher Reeve-type injury earlier in the year. It caught us all by surprise. Then a woman in the local community died from a stroke quite suddenly. She had taught music and been involved in a jillion things for over 60 years, and even played piano at my church when I was growing up. Last but not least, Li'l G reported to me on Friday that one of her friends' father was sent to jail last week. This little boy is just adorable but can be a behavior problem. I've written about him before; for some reason, he just touches my heart. Now he gets to go through the holidays with this burden. At the age of five. My heart just aches for all of these families for whom Thanksgiving will feel like a hollow experience -- been there, done that. Yet I know that "there are still good times to be had," just as Shelby told Miss Clairie in "Steel Magnolias." If we really look, get down on our hands and knees sometimes and scrutinize, we can see God at work in all these situations. When I can identify that, it makes it easier for me to find hope, to see even one positive thing, and that uplifts my heart more than kind words or inspiring songs. That, indeed, is good medicine.

Meet The Chicas

I, like S4J, am having trouble knowing where to start and what all to say. What makes it worse is that, the longer it is since I've gotten home, I'm losing the freshness of all the memories and the high of being in Pennsylvania this time of year. It's taken me several days of working a paragraph at a time to even get this much out! I'd better crank out a couple of these while my brain is still functioning...

I thought I'd take some time to introduce you to the Chicas. Not all are bloggers, although some are. And let me state right off the bat, as to avoid any unforeseen "issues," that I'm not trying to be clique-ish here. I just want you all to find out what I enjoy about each of the '08 girls. With no further adieu, I give you the Chicas of 2008!

As many of you know, this is HisGirl, mommy and blogger extraordinare. She is the fearless leader in the group, our virtual cruise director. I may be the first one to charge into a burning building, for example, because someone said there is a child trapped inside, but His Girl will stop everything and discern a proper and efficient plan of action that is usually a hundred times more effective than bursting through the door. To say she is zany and hilarious is to really not do her justice, and to say that she thirsts for more knowledge of the Lord is the understatement of the year. I'm the cranky Martha trying to make everything just-so and be a good hostess, while she is the focused Mary, sitting at the feet of the King, soaking up wisdom and love that she doles out in generous measures to everyone in her path. And just when you think she's going to tell you to settle down, she does something completely hysterical like get verklempt over homemade fried chicken at an Amish restaurant. She is the Devoted Disciple of the group.

Next comes S4J, my musical partner in crime. I have known her the longest out of all the girls, and is actually the person who introduced me into the group. S4J is also the co-cruise director. She accuses me of being multi-talented just because I have musical ability. This heffer can take photographs that make Annie Leibowitz look like she's using a Dora the Explorer disposable camera, not to mention sing like a profession and even learned how to play guitar on a 12-string! Her sense of humor is just skewed enough for us to be lots of trouble together yet somehow keep her out of hot water. If you were to be stranded on a desert island with the two of us, I'd be the one trying to make a fire. She would be figuring out how to clean the water and sterilize things, after washing her hands, of course. I'd be kvechting about mosquito bites while she'd be singing some silly song about mosquitos being minions of the devil in the most pleasant voice you've ever heard. She would also let you cry tears of frustration until you were completely exhausted. She is our Loving, Looney Listener.

Our next chica is not a blogger, so she doesn't have an online handle. Let's call her... Rebecca Yoder. Or the Weaverton Schoolmarm. Your choice. Mrs. Yoder here is apparently the one we've got to keep our eyes on. She is quiet, gentle, funny, but has started coming out of her shell. She's like a geode: she may appear like your average, everyday stone you might find on a naturewalk, but once you have cracked this stone in half, there are brilliant, spectacular crystalline formations that you would never know was there if you only looked at the outside of the stone. What an unexpected surprise! When I first met RY she was quiet and reserved but always sweet as shoo-fly pie. Then last year in Seattle she surprised me by playing percussion (read: homemade shaker) during praise and worship. This year she pulled the rug out from under us! Not only was it her idea to put a certain someone's chonies on the line for "Jacob Yoder" next door to see, she hornswoggled us into a one room schoolhouse for an encounter with the living dead! (Think the Amish version of "Children of the Corn" and you'd be on the right track...) That sneaky Rebecca Yoder. It's always those quiet ones that you never suspect. That's why she's our Blossoming Blessing.

Here is one of our newest chicas, fresh off the farm. I really think this picture speaks more volumes that you could ever know. Also not a blogger, this new chikkie -- let's call her Bambi Stoltzenfus -- is my SOUL MATE! (OK, like, in a friend-to-friend way, you dirty birds!) It's a rare thing when I meet someone who shares so many qualities of mine. There is another chica who falls into this category, but she was not able to be here for this year's excursion. At any rate, I worried that we I would run her off and make her think we were complete weirdos. Yeah, right! Not only did she fit right in, she helped us take our ridiculous silliness to unheard-of levels. I don't think I've laughed so hard in my life about teaching kids why they need to use handsoap! If you were at a New Kids On The Block concert with her and asked her, in a moment of adolescent stupidity temporary weakness, if you should throw your panties on stage, she'd be two steps ahead of you: she'd unsnap the sides and give hers a toss and look at you like, "Hurry up!" However, I think my favorite thing about Mrs. Stoltzenfus is, in addition to her hijinks and hilarity, she is incredibly grounded and unwavering in her faith. She is the High-Octane, High-Quality Chica.

Meet yet another new chica, Jenster. (She's the one on the left.) Jenster graciously opened her home and hospitality to S4J and myself the night before the other chicas arrived on the scene, and I wonder if she had any way of knowing just what she was getting herself into! Mwaa ahh ahhh!! At any rate, she's funny, sneaky, and can crack the funniest joke you've ever heard while keeping a completely straight face. Two seconds after she's said the most hilarious, snarky thing you've heard in your life, she's overflowing with a wisdom and perception of how real life intersects with scripture and holy relationship that just blows your mind. On top of being a wife, a mother, a breast cancer survivor, and new chica, she is also gifted at speaking and integrating how faith should look in our lives, not how we should talk about what we believe. She is definitely the Deep Waters Chica.


This is our Chikkie. She makes each and every trip with us, in full garb depending on where the Chicas are headed that year. This year she is sporting her plain clothes, reminding us to focus on simplicity and keeping it simple. She may be the quietest member of the group, but her presence is always required in group pictures and ridiculous antics. Part of the fun of going on this trip each year, besides the big "reveal" of where we're headed to next, is to find out what Chikkie will be wearing to coordinate with the new location or theme. Not seen here in this picture is her evil twin, the Dirty Birdie. DB hasn't actually made an official appearance yet on these trips, but her presence is well-known and represented! We try to keep this under wraps, but once you get a gaggle of women together, well, you can imagine how it goes from there!

Lastly, here I am, giving you my best Jacob Yoder impression, trying desperately not to wet my pants with stifled laughter. If you could only know how hard we laughed on this trip, you'd think we would all have ripped abs by now! As for what I bring to the group, that depends on who you ask. Despite what actually ends up transpiring, I attempt to bring music and laughter to the group. I can usually be counted on to say something off-color to get someone to laugh or purposefully get the group charged up and their energy flowing. Which chica would I be, then? I'm just good ol' GGG.

This-N-That

Whew! It's been a whirlwind week, and I've gotten so far behind on posting that the hard drive in my brain is maxed out. I will attempt to recap:


As of last week, I have officially become a minion of the PTA at Li'l G's school. Honestly, I have been skeptical of PTAs because I am not very fond of cliques and anything that reminds me of my terrible days as an adolescent. However, this group of ladies seems like hard workers who truly want to be involved at the school to help support teachers and kids. I helped set up for the Book Fair and will work for a few hours there later this week. I may have an inner librarian working somewhere in the untold folds of my personality. At any rate, I'm not able to work things in the evenings due to my family structure, and this is one of the best ways to volunteer during the daytime. That, and I'm always on the lookout for new friends. The way I see it, the more connections we can make with other people the better. You never know when you might meet that one friend who becomes a gem you treasure for a lifetime.


The main focus of the last week or so has definitely been the fundraiser and praise band concert that went down at my church last night. We've been toiling away at practices. I know everyone on the team has got to be ready for a little space away from me as I struggled to get some of my fine tuning down. But the bottomline is that this is an unusually grace-filled group of people that I'm so blessed to have in my life. The fundraiser seems to have been a success, and we all left the concert feeling like we had put forth our best effort.


I was trying to explain to someone recently what it is like to play with a group of people. It's one thing to play an instrument or sing and have to be in front of a group of people, but when you do this in the context of praise and worship, it's a whole different enchilada. What we do as a praise band is meant for the direct benefit of the congregation and as our personal sacrifices of praise to the Lord. To me, I feel like the luckiest person in the room because of my vantage point. Not only am I doing something that I love and that I feel that God has blessed me to be able to share this passion with others, but the blessing I receive when I observe others listening to the music and interacting with it, it is something so sacred that I just cannot think of another way to experience it. All I can say is "wow."


Amidst all this fracas, R. came to visit for the weekend and I got one of my papers finished. Even Li'l G had homework that miraculously got done. All this done with a sinus headache all.weekend.long.


I need a weekend to recover from my weekend.


And now for the bad news: I have made an executive decision to cut something from my calendar. **Insert sound of needle scratching across vinyl record in the distance!!** What, GGG?!? You actually took something OFF your calendar? Honey, check the news -- I think Jesus is coming again...!


Yes, I have decided to take a committment away from myself so that I don't kill myself with too many items on the personal agenda. I am still cycling and even showing up to spinning if there's bad weather, but I do not have the time necessary to be properly trained for the bike race in October. It was a hard call to make, but it was the right choice. I will still train to enter a race, but I will put it off until the spring. I've got to properly prioritize my time these days, and quite frankly, it was taking up valuable space on the front burner. I will, however, continue to post for accountability. So none of you are off the hook, either!!! Thought you were off the hook... ;)


On a more philosophical note, I'm sensing change these days. I don't know what form to expect it in, but I have this unsettled feeling that there is going to be a major shift in my life over the next few months. This could be for several reasons.


1) Having been married to the military, I'm used to moving every 24 months or so. I've been living here in my new home, essentially my new life, for 25 months. Just sheer force of habit might lead me to expect change, right? Maybe...


2) I'm entering the last of four semesters of lay ministry training. I distinctly remember thinking after T. died that I wanted to enter into some kind of ministry, counseling, pastoring, worship leader/music ministry, etc. My pastor-at-the-time and friend advised me of this program offered through my denomination that might be interesting and even serve as part of the discerning process for me to consider what my calling might be or what the next steps of my new life would look like. Now, as I am nearing the end of this incubation period, I think I'm somewhat closer to figuring that out but still have no clear answers. Perhaps it's anxiety related to feeling like I've reached the end of one path and wondering where the beginning lies to the next one.


I know for sure that I will sorely miss the fellowship I experience at these meetings. The other PLM candidates are such interesting people who truly desire to take a further step in their involvement in the life of the church and those they are serving/will serve. Having almost 25-30 likeminded individuals gathered in one place just makes me giddy with excitement and energy to take the world by storm. The professors are such interesting folks and are all so anointed and yet so different from one another that I feel like I could just hang on their every word. Obviously I enjoy these sessions and will miss them so much. I have no idea who or what God will bring along to fill this void in my life.


3) I'm eccentric, hormonal, compulsive and turning 32 next month. Can anyone say mid-life crisis?!? However true of the first part, I can't really say I think it's a mid-life crisis. And I'm actually quite fond of being in my thirties. I think it is when human beings hit their prime. I definitely feel like this is the prime of my life and want to capitalize that in every possible way, hence all the fitness craze and the continuing education stuff. But is that the source of this "hunch?"


4) Maybe my relationship is moving into a new phase. I can't really say that much has changed, and even if it had, I'm under strict orders not to mention "him" on the blog. This is request is painfully hard for me to honor. While I don't have any problem with keeping a private life private, I also know that there are other people out there in my shoes who are aching inside, wondering what has happened to them, if things will ever change, who they are, who they want to be with, etc. I feel called to share my life's experiences, and dating after the death of a spouse is an area of our society left largely unexplored. Most people think it's too taboo to discuss. Then again, most people associate the word "widow" with people who look like Sophia Petrillo. While I probably act like her, I can assure you that is the only thing we have in common.


At any rate, perhaps there is change in our future. Will this change be a step toward a closer bond, toward a mature love that could lead to a lifelong committment and a chance at having another baby? I would love that. Or, will it lead to us shaking hands and saying, "I love you, but not like that?" I certainly hope not. But there is just no way of knowing, is there? Despite my feelings about wanting to reach out to this neglected group of the population, I will respect his wishes on this matter. It's the least I can do.


There are probably lots of other reasons for this hunch. The changing of the seasons, my hormones, too much sinus pressure, the anniversary of T.'s birthday this week, the desire to see change, seeing my family transition from a house ruled by the needs of toddlers to those of kids old enough to unbuckle their booster seats. My God, El Roi, God Who Sees, knows what's in my heart. He hears my silent cries of, "What now?", "Why not?", "Why me?", "Why not me?", and many others that only the Holy Spirit can utter on my behalf. And let the record show, I know this all has to be chalked up to trusting God to meet my needs and leaving it in God's hands.

And on top of all this madness, S4J goes off and posts about certain trust and gets us all convicted and stuff. Pft. How rood.

So there you have it, dear readers. What happens next in the never-ending drama/saga that is the life and times of GGG & Co.??? Tune in tomorrow for the next installement of, "The Days of Surviving Wives!"