Good Grief

No, this is not a post about Charlie Brown. I've been doing a little digging around today on some professional resources for care giving and contemplating some of my errands and have had a minor epiphany. Sort of, I think.

I met with the current pastor at church today. As many of you know, I completed training as a Parish Lay Minister in January and have been involved in a care giving sort of ministry to people who, for whatever reason, cannot make it to church any more. We spoke for a couple of hours about the work I've been doing, current needs, what we'd like to see this evolve into, what needs we'd like to anticipate or programs that should be developed. In short, it's too much work to pile upon a pastor, or even to share between a pastor and one or two other people who volunteer to help. What we need is a swat team of caregivers, which is basically what I've been charged to develop.

Uh, ok. Just how in the heck am I supposed to do this?!? I've barely got any experience doing this myself, much less be the one coordinating and training volunteers! So where can I turn for resources on care giving, I asked the pastor. He sent me to the Stephen Ministries website. Some of you may have heard of this incredible caregiving ministry that is offered in churches of all denominations. It is one-on-one support between the care receiver and a lay person (i.e., trained "average joe," not a pastor), and there is extensive training for those who are said ministers. I don't know all the details, but you can read up on it by hitting the link.

Anyhoo, I stumbled upon a book that I ordered that I would love to buy for every person on planet Earth to manditorily read: "Don't Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart: How to Relate to Those Who Are Suffering." It's written by the man who got this ministry started, and I can't wait to read it. It immediately made me think of Job's friends who thought so highly of themselves and of the godly words they thought they were offering, when actually they were being insufferably cruel. It's kind of funny, actually. I remember reading the book of Job some time after Tom died, and some of my Christian friends assumed that I was reading it to identify with Job being faithful to God despite his overwhelming grief. Actually, I turned to Job to know how to deal with people who thought they were bringing help into my life when, in fact, they were crushing my heart and adding to my grief. And don't get me wrong -- we see how God deals with Job, who got it right up to a point. But I am infinitely glad that there is a book in circulation that deals with this problem.

So many people earnestly and innocently believe that offering words of hope and scripture are a way to shed holy, loving light on loss. To the person on the receiving end, it's a real crap shoot as to whether or not those words will be received in the way in which they were intended. And while the person trying to offer support and comfort might feel hurt by the rejection of their sentiments, it would be soooo helpful if they could remember: it's not about them. To expect someone experiencing raw emotions and navigating the pea-soupy waters of grief to be socially acceptable, gracious, understanding, etc., of this is really asking a lot. Not everyone is able to look past it and know that you didn't mean to hurt them, or you're just trying to share your faith, or whatever your reasons might have been. The best thing to say is...

Nothing. Just be there.

At least, that has been my experience and that of many others I have known who have gone through loss of any sort. And loss doesn't necessarily mean death, but that's another post althogether...

At any rate, if you find yourself working with people, working in a church setting, etc., this book might be worth the read. I'll let you know in a month or so what I think about it.

The other thing that has got my hamsters jogging is non-traditional living. And by that I don't mean gay marriage, so just don't even go there. Let me explain...

As I was happily Googling before pilates this morning, over my cup of Hawai'ian joe, I googled something to the effect of "fathers day second dad," "fathers day dad in training," etc. What I was going for was gift or card ideas for the man in my children's lives who loves and adores them, shares in their care and discipline when we are together, etc. What I found were dozens of posts on discussion boards of women wondering how to honor these kinds of men in their lives. Some of the answers back were interesting, funny, and downright rude. What stuck out to me was this:

1) I'm not the only one going through this.

2) There's a growing need in our society to address the non-traditional sector. Like it or not, I think we're here to stay, y'all.

I know that this may not affect many of you, but once it does, it becomes stark and apparent to you in every area of your life. I have had to explain for three years now why my kids attend the Father's Day luncheon with their grandfather and hope and pray that it doesn't make them sad. My kids don't have active memory of T. -- R. is the only father figure they have known. I cringe every time we pass a little girl wearing a "Daddy's little princess" t-shirt now that Li'l G can read. What section of Hallmark do you head to in order to find a Father's Day card for a widow, or a Mother's Day card for a widower? Where exactly are the "Not-So-Merry Christmas" cards for those going through their first holiday after losing a loved one? Is it possible to find a Father's Day card for a man who has not biologically fathered children with you yet, but yet fathers your children? What kind of sentiment is passed along to a foster parent or other family member functioning like a parent? What about those of us who want to celebrate major milestones in our lives, like being cancer-free for an entire month or year, or becoming a "hyster-sister?" I don't point these things out to get to wear my martyr pin again, but these are just the things I was pondering today...

While I am certainly not the fount of creativity from which this line of alternative Hallmark will spring, but if I was smart, I'd come up with something and slap a copyright on it because non-traditional life and experiences are actually becoming pretty commonplace.

What I've walked away with is this: the amount of need in this world is overwhelming to a human, but thankfully, not so for God.

A Conscience Captive to the Word Of God

"There is not enough darkness in all the world to put out the light of one small candle..." --Arthur Gordon

When is the last time you felt convicted about something? Not just convinced of something, or feeling one way or the other about something like who you will vote for on Election Day, but convicted? Have you ever felt so strongly about something that, the more you thought about it, you almost felt haunted or consumed by it, possibly to the point where you could not keep your opinions or ideas to yourself?

In a world consumed with not hurting people's feelings and political correctness, many people chose to keep their most deep feelings tucked away. In my parents' and grandparents' generations, speaking your mind was dangerous, and you most certainly did not discuss things like who you voted for at an election. Many bloggers won't discuss politics or religion because they don't want to offend those who don't share the same viewpoints. I can definitely respect those who believe that their language should be edifying and uplifting as a response to living out the Gospel, but I hardly see how it is un-Christian to have an opinion and confess it. Had Jesus been terribly worked up about being politically correct, we'd all probably be wearing prayer shawls and phylacteries and living under Torah Law. Since when did it become a sin to confess one's faith, opinions, and beliefs?

As many of you know, I'm one of these outspoken types. It can be a blessing and a curse to be sure. Once I research a topic and decide where I stand on an issue, I am happy to engage people in discussions about things that most shy away from or frown upon. As I have been working through lay minister training and the various topics of study presented therein, I have been a mass of information to chew on and digest. It has done nothing less than completely change the way I view my world. I have fumbled through this life, picking up pieces of different denominations and expressions of faith here and there, adapting my thoughts or beliefs as I learned what I thought was truth as presented by people I trusted, "standing on the Word of God." When I had reason to return to my hometown area and the Lutheran church after having sampled so many other expressiosn of Christianity, I was hesitant at first to come back. I saw my fellow Lutherans as closed off to modern concepts and ideas and expressions, and I wanted to not be stared at if I wanted to raise my hand during worship, for example. But the more I looked into Lutheran ideas to see if this was how I needed to be the weekly venue for my expression of faith and how I understand God, I realized I was theologically in the right place. At the same time, that has presented problems for me that have been emotionally crippling. I see our little church struggling through hard times, and it pains me to see this happening to the body of Christ. Outside our doors, I see a culture of people wanting to be entertained at church, scorning communion, scaring people into praying the sinner's prayer to take Jesus into their hearts so they don't go to hell, and it makes me want to vomit. Every.single.time.

I, like Luther, apparently have a flair for offending people. If only they knew how many times I do the "copy/paste/cut/edit" thing in my mind before I start talking about certain topics! As Luther confessed at the Diet of Worms, I, too, am guilty of speaking harshly at times. This is hardly a very Christian thing of me to do, and I have to pray for God's help in taming my tongue. But I tell you, my friends, there have been times when I am so worked up about the garbage someone else has just passed off as gospel truth that I am trembling from the need to stop them in their tracks!

Why on earth am I rambling about all this? Reformation Sunday was celebrated yesterday by Lutherans around the world. I would hope that anyone who is Christian of any denomination would have at least acknowledged it, but I highly doubt that they did. Luther never intended, and I'm quite sure would be abhorrently appalled today, to split up the Roman Catholic church and create the Protestant movement, much less an entire denomination that aligned with his ideas so much as to take his name. He was so intensely repulsed by Rome, the papacy, and human corruption in the church that he wanted to clean house. Even when the peasants revolted in his name, he implored the princes to put down the rioting crowds. People took a good idea and went too far; however, it is what it is, and those of us who read Bibles not written in Latin can thank Martin Luther for that freedom.

Independence. We value that above all else in this country. Not just in the political realm, but in our choices of religiousity as well. Our pastor preached yesterday about how, every 500 years, it appears that the church undergoes major reformation. We are in an age of that right now. Five hundred years ago (circa A.D. 1541), Martin Luther was the first small candle railing against the corrupt darkess, along with Calvin, Zwingli, and many more. Five hundred years before that (circa A.D. 1054), the Catholic church split into two groups -- Roman Catholic and Orthodox. Five hundred years prior to that (circa A.D. 550), the Roman Empire fell. And folks, five hundred years prior to that (circa A.D. 30), a Jewish rabbi claiming to be the Anointed One was healing and preaching, only to be crucified, dead, and resurrected. What began with one man and his disciples has spread over thousands of years and hundreds of thousands of miles to what we have today. All because people were willing to be used by the Spirit. To draw that line in the sand, at the risk of losing lives or offending people, to say, "My conscience is captive to the Word of God... Here I stand; I can do no other."

I agree with my pastor, and Luther, in that you don't scare people into seeking Christ as a way to avoid the damnation of the Fiery Pit for all of eternity. God created us because God wanted to love us, to have a relationship with us. And we don't take the name of Christ and then condemn others who don't agree with us and pine for the days when we're taken Home. When Jesus truly resides in our hearts, we are activated to serving in the kingdom, the kingdom of God here on earth. We are called to love one another and serve one another, expecting nothing in return. Not increased memberships at our churches. Not more coins in the coffer. Not more souls for the fold. I truly hope my opinions don't offend anyone; it is simply how I believe. I cannot be a purist to one man's theology or another. What I do know is that Jesus calls us to love. If we turn the Gospel into the law, we have defeated the whole point of Christ's sacrifice on the cross. I cannot take part in that anymore. If that has to cost me readers on this blog, friends in this world, or other potential benefits, then I take that on willingly. I don't expect high-fives here, and I'm sure someone could take things I've said here personally. I pray that, as you all find your places in this world and sort out your heart before God, that you will find a firm foundation of what you believe and hold fast to that. Seek out wise counsel, talk to others about what they believe, but keep your eyes squarely on the cross and judge everything you hear by how it holds up to what you know Jesus has done for you. Don't be afraid to say, "I personally don't believe that." Where would we all be if others had not the courage to do just that?

"Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end." -- Proverbs 19:20

MeMe: Let's Play Favorites!

FAVORITE PERSON OUTSIDE OF FAMILY...

OK, my obvious answer would be R., but I'm trying to think of someone that I'm not even romantically linked to here. How do I even begin to narrow it down to one name?!? Out of my top 100, I will randomly pick two who hold equal sway with me. Pastor Phil and Pastor Kurt, two of my "professors" at PLMA. Pastor Phil is the words "grace" and "love" come to life. He plays guitar to open and close his lectures, cries almost every time he prays, and is just a great mentor. Pastor Kurt has challenged what I claim I believe and opened many doors to thinking for me. As a result, I can't just sit down and read my Bible for a simple devotion. So many think come flying off the page at me that it just makes my brain hurt, and I'm so thankful for that!

FAVORITE FOOD...

Again, so hard to narrow it down to just one. I love ethnic foods of all kinds. Then again, down home cookin' and comfort food can't be beat, either. I think the best food is that which satisfies as many of your senses at one time as possible. Anything involving gravy rates top-notch, as does garlic and cheese. Oooh, oooh, Gordon-Biersch garlic fries rock!

QUIRKS ABOUT ME...

Holy Schnikes, this could get long! Mmmm, I prefer even numbers to the extent that I only put my thermostats on even numbers. I also can't sleep in a bed that doesn't have the sheets tightly tucked in at the foot of the bed. I can't stand a wrag or sponge to be left sitting sopping wet in the bottom of a sink. You know, little things...

HOW WOULD THE PERSON WHO LOVES ME DESCRIBE ME IN TEN OR LESS WORDS...

From R.'s perspective, I think he might say passionate, emotional, motivated, goofy, and he'd better say deeply sensitive. Actually, this afternoon he called me bipolar because I went from being self-confident and excited about something to wishy-washy and self-doubting in about 20 seconds.


From Lil' G and Bud's perspective, I think they would say silly, loving, strict, fun, safe/protective, whatever fits whether or not they're watching cartoons or sitting in Time Out.

ANY REGRETS IN LIFE...

I have more of these than I do quirks, but only because I'm so hard on myself. Maybe that should be Regret #1, because it can really steal my joy. Many days I regret not going in the military. I regret not stopping Tom on the stairs for one last kiss that last morning, or taking him some lunch. I regret so many things, but I always know I can come to my Father and cry it out. It's time to quit regretting and starting getting down that road.

FAVORITE CHARITY/CAUSE...

Definitely NOT the Department of Public Safety Officer's Association because they stalk me and guilt-trip me about donating money to them. I love World Vision and anything that helps children and families. I also love anything that supports soldiers, single or married, and their families.

FAVORITE BLOG RECENTLY...

See my last post...

SOMETHING I DON'T GET ENOUGH OF...

R.'s kisses on top of my head as we're just standing or sitting around, hearing the kids running around or having them crawl all over us... My children's smiles... Feeling like things are going to be OK on a long-term basis...

WORST JOB I'VE EVER HAD...

I would say at a vet's office were I was the kennel worker, a.k.a. human pooper scooper, but that was actually a step up from the insurance office I worked at for about nine months in college.

WHAT JOB WOULD YOU PAY NOT TO HAVE...

Anything that would qualify me to be on the cast for "Verminators."

FAVORITE BIBLE VERSE...

More of these than regrets, thankfully!!! Really, it all comes down to John 17:20-26. Jesus was praying for all those, in the days of world history to come from that point forward, who would believe in Him. He was praying for ME!! He had my name on His mind, interceded for me, just before He was to be crucified. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

GUILTY PLEASURE...

The grande-sized Cold Buster w/ energy booster from Jamba Juice.

FAVORITE THING ABOUT MY HOUSE...

My kitchen and my bathroom. Really nice w/ marble in the bath and granite and great appliances in the kitchen. Which is good b/c I live in the kitchen.

LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT MY HOUSE...

That it's in the hottest state in the union. :)

IF I COULD CHANGE MY CIRCUMSTANCES, WHAT WOULD I CHANGE...

that I would have the patience to allow God to let things unfold at His timing and that I would not worry about the future. I can trust R. and God, and I don't have to be in the driver's seat.

WHO WOULD I LIKE TO MEET SOMEDAY...

Other than getting to meet my Savior, it's all downhill from there.

WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL SEXY...

The fact that R. loves me with no make-up on and the fact that I am healthier than I've been in a good 10-15 years.

WHO IS MY REAL LIFE HERO?

My children, hands down. They've gone through more in their lives than most adults I know, and they still love, trust, laugh, and are happy.

WHAT IS THE HARDEST PART OF MY JOB?

Having to do it by myself.

WHEN AM I MOST RELAXED?

When I'm with R. and the kids.

WHAT STRESSES ME OUT THE MOST?

My inability to have patience and trust. I allow people and/or circumstances to get me all wound up.

WHAT CAN I NOT LIVE WITHOUT?

Besides the obvious answer (kids), hands down my iPhone, which I learned the hard way this week... Sounds like a blog waiting to happen...

WHY DO I BLOG?

Lotsa reasons. I started blogging on MySpace two years ago because I felt like I wanted to be a positive portal on that smut hole. I wanted to put myself in a position to reach people with my story and show them the Gospel through my friendship and my experiences. I don't care a thing about bringing people to the Lord through "leading them through the sinner's prayer" or throwing theology or scripture at them. If they are going to respond to the Holy Spirit, that's great. I simply wanted to be used by God as an instrument as He calls people to Himself. To be transparent and let people dissect my life and examine their own. Truly, I'd love to be another Dooce and make my living off of my blogging and/or publish books like David Sedaris.

WHO AM I TAGGING?

If you've read this, you're tagged! Just post a comment with a link to your site and we'll throw some traffic your way!!

Random Thoughts While I Wait on the Grass to Dry...

Outside My Window … some overgrown nandinas are waving in the crazy wind we've been having for several days now. And the rainshower we got this morning that foiled my idiotic attempt to put the smack-down on the lawn filled up my empty birdbath in about five minutes. Waiting on my birdie buddies to come and entertain me...

***

I am thinking … about a website I looked at earlier today, Aish.com . Kinda interesting. It's a Jewish website. They had a funny "Yiddish-Yinglish" dictionary and even a dating advice page, not to mention educational info and virtual tours of the Western Wall and tunnels.

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I am thankful for … naptime; a 3 year old who is *almost* potty trained; Pilates; fresh fruit; summertime berries; my children; Pookie, in all his quirky goodness; cold Pinot Grigio; my garden; lovely sunsets from my backporch during the summertime, when there's a nice breeze and a good deal of humidity in the air...

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From the kitchen … I have fresh mangoes that I can't wait to dive into; have to use the ground meat in the fridge today or it will be too late to use it; been craving homemade bread to go with the strawberry preserves I made, all of which make me miss my grandmother and wish I'd been born in 1905...

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I am wearing … Texas A&M basketball grey t-shirt, maroon workout shorts; running shoes; obnoxiously large blue topaz ring that R. gave me for our first anniversary :)

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I am creating … nothing at the moment, which isn't good. I've got too much to be doing to not be doing anything!

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I am going … to try and relish my kids and the ages that they are and live in the moment with them this summer; to give God more of my worries and quit hanging onto them like dirty little scraps from an old security blanket; to get caught up on unfinished sewing projects this summer; to read more books and watch less TV (which I don't get to do much of now that Noggin is 24/7...)

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I am reading . . . too many things at once! Look at my Shelfari over there... I don't think, "Wide Open Spaces," by D. Palmer made it onto that list, but it's along the lines of a Don Miller kind of book... I guess I'm a real non-fiction kinda girl. I want to get into fiction more often; it might contribute to a lighter mood, i.e. "relaxed and groovy..."

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I am hoping … that my children will forgive me for all my shortcomings and remember their childhood with smiles rather than tears...

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I am hearing … the quiet, subliminal white noise of the air conditioner pushing chilly air through the vent in my office


Around the house... looks like a bunch of busy people live here; need to tackle that and re-organize some stuff...

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One of my favorite things … isn't things -- it is people, music, nature, geography, foods, love...

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A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week … nada; taking kids to the pool tomorrow with my brother and his girlfriend; church as per usual on Sunday...

***

Here is a picture thought I am sharing . . .

This was taken as R. and I were walking into St. Peter's Square in the Vatican last November. This is peeking through the columns at the huge basilica... Ciao, bellas!

DEATH BY WHITE STAG!!!

Egads, GGG! Where have you been?? Inquiring minds need to know...!!

Patience, my pretties, patience. Actually, I do appreciate the concerned comments. Mama P, I named this blog especially for you. I nearly fell outta my chair when I read, "Death by White Stag?" What a frightening thought, to meet one's demise in the smarmy, unmonitored dressing "rooms" of one's local Wal-Mart. If there is a God in heaven above, I pray that the Almighty would see fit to spare me such a gnarly demise -- haven't I suffered enough?!?

OK. All joking aside. I'd love to just put out a blanket, "I've been really busy," excuse, but you, the Readership, would have none of that. Let's take a stroll through the past 30 days:

Picture it: Alabama, April 4, 2008. A hot, young widow struggles with the forces of nature and Homeland Security to fall into the strong arms of the Pookie who loves her. (Did I mention how amazingly attractive this girl is?!? I digress...) I spent a weekend having some much-needed Pookie time. We ate, we drank, we ate some more, we went to the Space Museum in Huntsville and saw exhibits and a great IMAX film, "The Miracle of Flight." I felt like I was on a middle school science field trip. It was great. BTW, did I mention that this is where NASA hosts Space Camp for kids??? And did I mention that going to Space Camp was, like my DREAM ever since the space shuttle Challenger's unbelieveable demise?!?!? It was so neat to see all that stuff. Anyhoo, we had a nice, long dinner at a great German restaurant and just had some much-needed down time, for once being in the same zip code.

They also had the coolest OCC Liberty Bike on display (that's "Orange County Chopper," for those not in the know). The whole thing was made out of bronze and had various effects incorporating the Statue of Liberty. Such a cool bike. I'm sure Paulie designed the bike -- such a creative guy!

In addition to being a globe-trotting GGG (does that now make me "4G"??), I have been in full immersion mode for Lay Ministry training. I've been working at getting ahead in my assignments, and as of about 15 APR, I blew a fuse. The material I had to read, especially from, "Where God Meets Man," was so intense and meaty that I ended up limp with exhaustion and nursing a raging headache for three days after I finished reading it. Between the eye strain and the incredible amounts of great information I digested, I just could not function; I went into safe mode.

Let me add some theological insight here: I am learning daily what it means to me to not only be a Christian, but what it means to express that through the denominational affiliation of being Lutheran. Being raised in the Lutheran church is not exactly the most charismatic of experiences. So many of us who choose to attend denominational churches are "box checkers" or conformists, which disgusts me to no end. On the other hand, as I'm growing and reading more and understanding more clearly, I am alarmed and concerned at things that I hear other churches passing off as gospel truth and sound preaching. What is so frightening is that the basic tenets of what they put forth as truth are not fundamentally wrong; however, it is in the fine details that people are not getting a transparent view of our God, our Holy Scriptures, and the world around us. These fine details are most destructive when they become so embedded in the parts that are true that one cannot separate one from the other. My bottomline comes down to these two points: 1) Challenge your beliefs and articulate exactly what you believe as often as you can, and 2) Search out the parts of your belief system that conflicts or doesn't have a clear meaning or explanation to you. How can we offer the Truth of the Gospel to unbelievers and skeptics when our own beliefs don't make sense to us? Do you know basic meanings of the words you use to share the message of the Gospel, so that you can explain what they mean to a person who has no earthly idea what you're talking about??? Just because you read something in the Bible and think it's talking about A, B, or C doesn't mean even you truly understand what you've just read. Question and research what pastors and teachers tell you. We are all human. What they are teaching and preaching should really be driving us to interact with God and the Word for ourselves, praying that the Spirit would reveal truth to us and give us understanding of what we read.

Also, don't just stop there. Take your body and your mind and squeeze yourself into the text and times of our Scriptures. Don't be blindly fundamental or flaky and symbolic. Do the work -- search it out -- open your heart and prepare to have your socks blown off!

And DON'T attend a church because you like the pastor, the music is good, your kids' friends attend the youth group, or the programs are great. Choose your faith community wisely. Don't just look at what one congregation says it believes, although that is hugely important. Look at what the denomination as a whole professes. If they ordain gays and lesbians and you don't agree with it, you might as well start agreeing with it if you decide to attend church there. If they say that Jesus was merely a human who was adopted as God's Son at His baptism (aka Adoptionists) and you don't agree with it, you might as well start agreeing with it. What you hear preached in your church will be impacted by the doctrines of the larger church, so don't think it doesn't matter! And you Non-Denoms, you don't escape this conundrum, either. I think you guys actually have to be even more discerning because you do not have as many affiliations and larger administration covering doctrinal matters. I simply think we've all got to do a lot more looking at the fine print to make sure things are not slipping past us that appear benign but, grain of sand at a time, can build up quickly to be major stumbling blocks on our spiritual paths. OK...sermon is over!

Dateline: 26 APR 08, My town, Texas... TORNADO!!! This is not an actual picture of my neighborhood, but it was the closest thing I could find on Google Images to what I actually saw. Here's how the near-deadly scene unfolded:

Lil' G had a violin recital last Friday evening. She and Bud were bathed, dressed, and waiting patiently on the couch watching "Go, Diego, Go," and I was putting the final touches on my hot self. I mean, it's difficult to improve upon near perfection, but what can I say... Anyhoo, after sprucing up, I was on my way out of my bedroom when I happened to look out my window, which is usually behind the closed blinds by this time of day. I noticed a weird looking cloud and lots of wind. Thinking that the clouds looked awful greenish-grey and that the wind was really churning, I went out to the back porch. The weather sirens were blaring through the town, and I could see a wall of rain headed north and a black wall of clouds headed south. Uh, yeah, we're not leaving for the recital. Amidst the angered cries for Diego, I told the kids to go sit in our "safe place" for bad weather as I checked the local TV station for the latest weather update...

"...Fire Station 2 on XYZ Road has just confirmed a tornado on the ground just west of the high school and coming south across the lake on FM 1234..."

If you could run your fingers over a map of where I live, you would take XYZ Road and drag your finger west of said fire station. Leave that finger there. Take another finger and cross over the lake on FM 1234. The intersection of those two paths leads to, LITERALLY, my backyard. So what do I do? Well, I do what any good Texan does -- I go stand out on the back porch to watch it go by!!! Really, it did not touch down until it was about 3 miles south of my house, so it must not have touched down for too long near me. The bigger story was the SOFTBALL sized hail that commenced afterward. By the time the tornado was well out of our way, I was debating whether or not to load up and still try to make the recital. After all, we still had 15 minutes until it started. No sooner had the thought passed through my pea-sized brain, I heard a strange 'thud' in the road. It came faster and faster. Apparently there must be a girls' softball team in heaven, and boy were they pissed! We had huge hail and heavy rain for 15 solid minutes. On one hand, I was so thankful that my car was inside the garage. On the other hand, I halfway considered backing it out in the driveway -- Lord knows it would've been totalled and I would be sportin' a new ride by now! Oh well...stupid conscience...

Lastly, and possibly more importantly, I've been in a bit of a funk, too. I don't know how I find the time to devote the kinds of energy it takes to really pull this off well, but I somehow manage to do it with flying colors. I'm at a point in my life where my love life and my life with friends -- close female friends -- are both very important to me. I won't expound on my love life here, other than to say that yes, in fact, I do still have one and that it is truly full of love. Perhaps that is precisely what makes being so far away from him so hard. Understanding the "why" behind it doesn't make it any more pleasant to deal with. I live for the few hours a month we get to see each other, and the time we spend keeping in touch in between. I look at where my life was a year ago today, and just gush when I think about where things are now, in this department.

The arena of friendship has been a very difficult pill to swallow ever since I left the security of my former life as a military spouse to the wilderness of civilian life with a military heart. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain, be they between sweethearts or even close friends of any gender. I pine for the days when I could wander in and out of the homes of my friends, meet and socialize, be involved in activities together.

I also feel caught in the middle of two dimensions of existence: domestic goddess and young, single modern woman. The two have almost nothing in common with each other. Domestic Goddess makes Gap and Old Navy cotton look chic. She thrives off of having a clean, organized home, age level-appropriate toys and TV for her children, healthy, balanced meals, sparkling laundry rooms complete with empty hampers, a handle on the ins and outs of running a household and being a homeowner. Young, Single, Modern Woman is focused on what she does, her interests, her hobbies, her health and fitness, how to fill weekends with down time and social interaction, mingling, networking, keeping an open mind in relationships, being well-rounded, etc. I love being a mom. It is the single most important job I've ever had, and my two children are some of the only things in my life I have managed to "do" right. If I died before the end of this post, I would feel like my life finally had meaning once these two beautiful creatures entered into my life. However, I'm not married. I can't always be domestic. I'm young and cute (OK, hot), and having to do the North American DoDo Mating Dance, which is so damned frustrating! (Rewarding yet frustrating at this age...) I'm not divorced, I don't have a husband to complain about, but people who are single don't have to care about being covered in nasty toddler diahrrea 15 minutes after they were supposed to have taken someone to school or showed up at a board meeting. Obviously, I have a hard time discerning what category(ies) I fall into. This translates itself in the friendship arena as trying to figure out with whom I share the most in common. To whom will I feel the closest bond? Will my married friends ever forsake sacred family time to come spend time with a single friend? Is it appropriate to even ask? Who will return the gesture of my friendship? I sit at home every single night, waiting for my evening phone call. When it comes after a night of socializing with friends, I admit I feel so jealous that he can have that outlet and I do not. Don't misunderstand me: I love the domestic side of my life. It's just so complex to weave these two sides together.

I could go on about several of these topics, but I think I've had enough of a bloggy blowout to satisfy some of you for at least a day or two. Things are still good, ever busy, and I can't wait for next week to be over. Bit o' advance warning: don't expect much blogging for another week or so. But I am still here. Steady and sure, as the heartbeat of a newborn baby trying to survive in a world she doesn't understand and in which she feels completely vulnerable all the time...

Athanasian Creed -- I Think They Make An Ointment For That

I was sitting here on a dreary March day having just put Bud and Li'l G down for naps/quiet time, and I decided to take a swing at some of the papers I've got to write for my Lay Ministry course. I pulled out my book for the Lutheran Identity course, entitled, "On Being Lutheran." (It's on my bookshelf to the right...) I had to respond to the questions for the chapter of my choice from the assigned reading, so I chose the chapter that I knew the least about, which was about the Athanasian Creed.

"The Atha-who?" you ask??? Precisely my thoughts. Apparently, the Lutheran Church confesses the Apostle's Creed, the Nicene Creed, and the Athanasian Creed. Check them out here if you aren't sure what I'm talking about. I have grown up in a family that has expressed their spirituality within the Lutheran denomination since the day I hit the skids. I had to memorize the Apostle's Creed for confirmation (although I had it down well before then), and after having dated a "good Catholic boy" for two years in high school, also was very familiar with the Nicene Creed, which is so beautifully worded. However, in all my 31 years (yipes! Did I just admit to being 31?!?), I have never even heard of this other one.

"GGG, why do we care about this?? Can't we just hear more about the birdie drama or something fun like that?!?" No! I promise I'm trying to get to a point here...

If you read through the Athanasian Creed, pop yourself some popcorn first and get a good, frosty Coke. It's long. (Which is very un-Lutheran, but then again, it was written well before Luther's time.) At any rate, here is the point that really struck me today (speaking on the true identity of Christ):

"...equal to the Father in divinity, subordinate to the Father in humanity..."

*Insert picture here of GGG's hair being blown straight back off her head... Am I the only person to whom this is a real revelation?!? OMG! Finally, someone has put something into words that I can understand with which I have wrestled for so many years.

Picture it: Texas, 1976-2008. A girl, born to a Christian, Lutheran family grows up, learning more about Jesus and God and growing her faith all her life, she struggles even as an adult to understand Jesus' relationship to the Father. What has perplexed me for years is the abstract concept of the Trinity, but especially the Father and the Son. When Jesus was here on earth, He prayed to the Father. The Father expressed being pleased with Him. He cried out to the Father on the cross. The Father turned His head during the fulfillment of the sacrifice of the the Perfect Lamb. How does this work if both are God??? That one phrase from the creed spelled it out for me so clearly: Yes, indeed, the Father and the Son share equal billing on the topic of divinity, but God the Son, through the state of His humanity, had to be subordinate to God the Father.

The word subordinate was very carefully chosen to create an accurate word picture for us to understand. If you click on that link to the FreeDictionary online, it gives several meanings for this word. One is that one person is under the control of another. Yet another is to make someone dependent or subservient. What I'm taking away here is the image of Jesus, praying in the garden that the cup would pass but still wanting God's will to prevail, put Himself in the position of giving God the Father control over Him. By being obedient, He was being subservient to God's will. And in our humanity, that is something that we must strive to do as well. Jesus modeled perfect submission so that we would humble ourselves to submit to God. And you little femi-nazis lurking in cyber-space who think, like our ol' friend Gloria Steinem, that submission means a woman in high heels and a dog collar chained to the stove or the washing machine to do every evil whim of that devil you call Husband, cool your jets a minute, please. Submission, when viewed in the light of the word "subservient," really means to surrender control. To trust. To get out of the way so God can do His thing. Not to be forced to eat rotten bananas for the rest of your life.

I really feel like I got to know a little more about Jesus today, even through that one little phrase. I sincerely hope you all don't think I'm telling you what to believe (hey, if you want that, just read the opening line to the creed! Ouch!!). I just had a personal revelation and I was giddy with anticipation to get to share it with everyone.

Insanes, Trains, and Automobiles

This has been such a busy week! I can hardly count the amount of time I have spent running around town, taking kids to preschool, attending meetings, and working on stoking all the fires I've got going with my various obligations.

Today, after dropping off an ad that will run in the paper for my church, Bud was pitching a wall-eyed fit to go see the choo-choos he had spyed on our way to the newspaper. Since the historic trains are located a block away, I figured this would be a thrilling detour for my train-fanatic 3 year-old son.

As we're driving over to the train station, we noticed one or two people kinda wandering the streets. This is not uncommon in this part of town, as there are homeless people who live under bridges and in any type of uninhabited, unpatrolled shelter they can find. There was one lady in particular who was standing at the side of the road next to the bus station. I smiled pleasantly as I drove my middle class-mobile past her, with my Britax carseats in the back of my car.

Bud exploded with enthusiasm once he was unbuckled and the door opened, much like King of the Wind bursting out of the gates at the Preakness. Not only did we get to walk through the engineer's area on the steam engine, there was also a chain of diesel engines refueling right across the way, which we got to observe. As we were walking alongside the historical train, taking in all the choo-choo wonder, I started thinking about how easy it would be for someone to come and either: a) snatch my child, or b) kill me and snatch my child. Morbid? ABSOLUTELY! It was one of those creepy, weird, "No one knows we're down here, there are no other people visiting this area, and it's known to have a lot of crime." The fact that we were there in broad daylight didn't ease any of my anxiety, so as soon as we walked to the playground at the other end of the track, we turned around and headed back to the car.

By the time we got back to the car, I could hear all this shouting. The lady with all the luggage was standing in the middle of the road, shouting so loud and angrily that I actually thought either a dog was growling or a man was growling. She was a block away, yet it sounded so near by! I start yelling at Bud to get his little hiney over to the car, which of course, begins a temper tantrum which could only be rivalled by someone telling Lindsay Lohan that happy hour is over. As I'm trying to explain to him that we need to go (without frightening him to the same extent that I am), he's still throwing his little fit. I've seen enough M. Night Shyamalan movies to envision turning around and standing up after buckling him in, only to have this lady all of a sudden standing right there, screaming in my face. We practically peeled out as we left.

As we were leaving, I noticed the crazy lady was loading her stuff into the back of a yellow cab and wondered just what her story was, as well as why she had frightened me. She looked as though everything she owned was probably in those suitcases, and I felt so ashamed of how extravagantly I live in comparison to so many people in our local area who are homeless, including children. In fact, I had even seen a pile of what looked like shrapnel or some kind of weird refuse under the bridge that goes over the tracks. What caught my attention was the American flag draped over that pile of whatever-it-was. It broke my heart to think that it could be a military veteran living over there. (Sidebar: I have even read reports of homeless veterans around the local area who are in their twenties and thirties, veterans of the current war that is raging. Who would have even thought it possible! Definitely not the first image that comes to my mind...)

I'm still musing over this whole experience. I'm not even sure I have any profound words or thoughts to share; just wanted to put it out there as food for thought.