"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (NKJV)
The NIV words the last part of the verse a little less eloquently but couldn't be more simply put: "...Each day has enough trouble of its own."
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Why, oh why, Lord, do I do this to myself? How many times do I have to hear You tell me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made before I will actually, truly, permanently believe it?
I'll let you all in on a little secret: I am a total schizo!!! OK, not clinically diagnosed or anything, but as R. and my closest friends can attest, I can be a real "interesting" personality to deal with. I am a tempestuous person who has really high highs and tragically low lows with little grey area in between. There is a good fraction of the time where I'm on a pretty even keel, but if even a slight gust of wind should blow past my spinning plate of life, I wobble so violently that I feel like I'm going to slip off the stick and crash to the ground. Being a person of extremes can actually be a positive thing: I am one of those who can't "settle" for something, or is 110% behind a worthy cause. On the other hand, if you hurt my feelings, there's a good chance I'll never tell you, and I'll nurse the wound for, pretty much, forever. Not a strong point!
So I've apparently been in this funk as of late. Today while talking to R. on the phone, I asked him, "What is wrong with me?!? How long have I been this unbearable to be around??? It's making me crazy!!" To which he gave an honest answer that surprised me. I figured I'd been out of sorts for a few days; he estimated more like a week or two. What?!? But as he went on the explain what he meant, I realized he was very intuitive to my idiosyncrosies and was, unfortunately, right. (No one tell him I admitted this in public!!)
Something I know I've been doing ever since Tom died, and truth be known really for most of my life, has been putting myself down. Putting myself in the "social outcast" category and simply assuming that this was society's view of me. How unjust! How cruel! Screw them!! What my BFF, S., pointed out to me today was that I need to take these thoughts captive. They are just my schizo brain working against me. I know that none of it is true. God loves me, has blessed me, is faithful and will do it again. My children are beautiful and sweet and are lovable to more people than just me. R. has been graciously brought into my life, my parents are alive and healthy, I am healthier than I have been in 12 years. So what is my flippin' problem, anyhow?!?
Me. Plain and simple. More specifically, I have a disease called, "Whatif." Apparently, I naturally release a neurotoxin into my brain that completely paralyzes it to function rationally. It is characterized by ridiculous hypothetical thinking and "war gaming" a response to said hypothetical situations. While one part of me says that it helps me to emotionally prepare for things that would otherwise be tragic circumstances (a la the loss of my spouse), it makes me unable to let the sun fall on my face and smile that God has blessed me with another day of this life. To put it another way, it steals my joy.
Back to the scripture now... This passage is smack in the middle of the Sermon on the Mount in the Book of Matthew. Jesus is telling the people gathered there things that will help them to lead godly lives. He must've known I'd be reading this at some point in history and made sure that the scribes didn't edit this part out. Look back at v. 25: "...do not worry about your life..." and then at v. 32: "For your heavenly Father nows that you need all these things." Then we get into what we should really be occupying our time with, such as seeking the kingdom, etc.
Worry = trust in my book. I hate myself for being this worrier because I feel like it sends a message to God that says, "Yeah, about that help you gave me right after Tom died, yeah, thanks for that. But I'm gonna have to hold onto this other tiny crap because I'm just not sure if You're up to the job. I'll need to see some references and then someone will contact you..." Jesus tells us not to worry!! I really don't want to be disobedient to Big J! And by holding onto it, that's the message I feel like I send to Him. Ick.
Jesus also speaks to those of us who like to rationalize it. Don't we have enough on our plates from one day to the next to keep us busy? Why do we have to ask for stress and issues in advance? How absurd! I feel like my own worst enemy. Satan doesn't have to do much work on me to inch me off my walk with God; I tend to do the work for him. P-U!
So, I'm going to try really hard, every single day, to take these thoughts captive. This won't stop overnight. But each day is a new day -- "His mercies are new EVERY morning; GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS!!" (Lamentations 3:23)
6 comments:
You've done it again, GGG. You've allowed God to speak to and through you, and you won't be the only recipient from the fruit of this revelation. I am so blessed (and...ahem...convicted), too.
We sound like we have very similar personality types.
xxxooogretchen
Beautiful post. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing with us so graciously. And I try to remind myself His mercies are new every morning. How wonderful!
Wow oh wow. I love this so much! You are seriously on a roll- this verse a day has brought out the best in you fo sho. Very inspirational!
i do the whatif too. Praise the Lord, He already took care of every single one.
Now, if you can only remind me!
ps- whoops! i left in a hurry this morning. the verse was psalm 83:5.
I love this post because I can identify so much with what you said. I went through some pretty big traumas in my life and as a result I lived in constant fear for many years. For me, it seemed like once my foundation had been shaken I had to decide what my foundation was. Christ is the solid rock on which we stand.
Hi - You sound so similar to me, so believe me, you are either not crazy, or VERY CRAZY. In a good way. (Hugs?)
My point: being in the gray area all the time would be terribly and tragically boring.
The "what if's" though... those can kill you. I don't know if you simply have "what ifs" and it is hard, or if something gets stuck in your brain for weeks on end and won't leave. That is the case with me - not all the time - but occasionally. For me, it's absolutely, without a doubt, OCD. Not physical, but mental OCD. It's called puro ocd.
I don't mean to sound wacky, but simply that I've been there. And it's a very curable deal with the right though processes. For me, I take some minor medication to help calm the crazy swinging. Some people are fine with just prayer and exercise and whatever it is that works for them.
Anyway, I barely know you, and OCD is not something I've ever spoken about on my own blog before as I have a very good handle on it. It's never seemed important to talk about. But maybe one day I will.
I hope this helped. It sure went longer than I expected! Take care.
Stomp Satan down! That loser! He don't get your joy!!
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