Cover Tune Grab Bag

Combine liturgical church song endings with R.E.M. and there you have it!! Get out the lighters and the teen angst...

To Have and To Hold, So To Speak

First of all, thank you for coming back!

I have felt a smidge guilty about my last posting. I try not to post crazy, off-the-wall rants here, but there are some times where the floodgates give way to the pressure behind them, and the result is the bloviating that ensued last week. I only wish I could blame it on PMS! Alas, there is a lot of that stuff floating around in my head. My usual attempts to control it malfunctioned, and there you have it. At any rate, there really are much more important matters going on in the world, believe it or not.

For example, things are just so odd right now in my life. For once, I am feeling wonderful peace in my relationship with R., satisfaction in how God is guiding me to be a loving, efficient parent, and trying to work hard on my various endeavors. Personally, I am sailing over serene, lovely waters right now. But as I cast my gaze to my left and right, there are some seriously churning waters surrounding important people and places in my life. I feel charged up and energized to take these burdens on in some serious prayer warfare and put some heat on the Oppressor. I have started my first prayer journal just for this purpose. And I'm NOT going to guilt-trip myself, as per usual, when I cannot make an entry in it daily. It's a discipline I've wanted to develop for years, and with the gravity of all that is going on around me, I figured there was no time like the present to embark on this journey.

On a somewhat-different-but-not-altogether-unrelated note, I was reading through I Thessalonians the other day for my Pauline epistles class and was struck by what a timely read this is for me. It is a short book, only five chapters long, but it leaves such an impression of connection and relationship that I cannot help but be encouraged by it.

Being one of many books in the New Testament attributed to Paul's authorship, it is considered to be the oldest known Christian document that we have access to today. It is estimated to have actually been written by Paul (not true of all of the epistles bearing his name) a mere 15-18 years after Christ's death and resurrection. I personally see this as a great barometer of what the early church must've been faced with, the energy amongst the new believers and leaders, and the challenges they faced at the time. For someone involved in various areas of ministry in their own church and looking to further that somehow, I Thessalonians turned out to be important for me to read anew.

At first, I started off thinking about my Chicas and some of the amazing Christian women I have known over the years in reading the first chapter. These are individuals that I feel have mentored me in some way, helped me get a step or two down the path that leads me closer to the cross. The reputation of their faith and understanding precedes them wherever they go, and I am humbled by their example. I struggle daily with how I can take the person God created me to be and follow their example, except in a way that is true to myself. Quite a task! And don't get me wrong -- I care nothing about mimicking someone that I admire; rather, I want to pick up the flecks of Jesus in their demeanor and personality and make it my own. Their love and nurturing have been balm for me, having just picked me up like a stray puppy and loved me unashamedly and unconditionally (I Thess. 2:7b-8).

Then my thinking shifted to my church. This group constantly has me in a state of utter confusion. I can get such a negative vibe hovering over our congregation at times; other times, it's bursting with brotherly love and the true presence of the Holy Spirit. As with any group of people, there are those who make it their life's work to attend to the various needs within the church, and there are those who expect red carpet service, and everyone in between. Really, I could be describing every single church on earth. This seems to be the nature of human beings everywhere, and believe me, it's not limited to churches or "religious" people. But it is what it is.

Being involved in a couple of different areas of my church, my attitudes fluctuate. One day I'm energized, mission-oriented, ready to go. The next day I'm out of steam, feeling burnt out and unappreciated but willing to continue working. On my lowest days, I wonder why I even care. Who wants to serve a person or group of people that stagnate, get comfy, and don't want to leave their spiritual grungy, old armchair? Or worse yet, what about those who walk away from the body of Christ because they got their feelings hurt or don't agree with someone else's theology, but they take the back door out of the community, not even desiring to mend the relationship? I toss my hands up in exasperation and think, "Lord, I'm done. D.U.N. You can have it all back. I'm obviously not cut out for this kind of stuff." Worse yet, I see other faithful servants hit their burnt out stage and I have nothing left with which to edify them, to build them up and tell them to hang in there. I try to be there for them, when in reality I could use someone doing the very same thing for me.

But as the old Amy Grant song says, I reach out for the Lamp, the Light, picking up the Word I find, and there's another letter... I Thessalonians gives me that little boost I need to realize I'm not alone here. It was I Thessalonians 5:12-15 (NRSV) that just floored me:

"12But we appeal to you, brothers and sisters,

to respect those who labor among you,

and have charge of you in the Lord and admonish you;

13esteem them very highly in love because of their work.

Be at peace among yourselves.

14And we urge you, beloved, to admonish the idlers,

encourage the fainthearted, help the weak,

be patient with all of them.

15See that none of you repays evil for evil,

but always seek to do good to one another and to all."

I will not be be specific or "air dirty laundry" here, but let me ask you all to be in prayer for my pastor and my church. As happens during the life of any group that chooses to gather in the name of Jesus, we're experiencing ups and downs on our journey. Our council met today, and despite the issues on our agenda, I felt a positive energy around the table. We have serious decisions to make in the coming months, and we as a council have been charged to facilitate wise decision making. We have a responsibility to not only communicate concerns to our congregation, but to live out I Thessalonians 5:12-15 and model it for them. God has called each of us to serve on this council at this time for a reason, and it is imperative that we take this scripture to heart. We cannot expect the pastor to be the remedy for every problem, nor can we sit around complaining and not desire to be part of the solution. Why, then, Lord, is it so difficult to rekindle the passion and the fire that once burned so brightly?

I think part of the problem that so many of us have overlooked is the "God" factor. We think that, if we only have more fellowship, or convince people to come back and be involved, etc., that we could solve some of our problems. Where does God fit in to this picture? Have we gotten so focused on what WE are doing or not doing that we have completely overlooked the lesson God might be trying to teach us here? What, in fact, is God trying to reveal to us by allowing us to go through a valley, rather than keeping us perpetually perched on the mountaintop?

I've got some theories, but that's all they really are. Bottom line, it just pains me to see such a precious group of people, a community in which I grew up and was nurtured and have chosen to to with my own children, struggle and pitch back and forth like this. I get so caught up in my passionate philosophizing that I completely forget where the cross should be in this picture, which is front and center. So, I'm taking it on in prayer. I've decided to make a serious committment to shut my mouth, open my heart, and listen for the whispers of the Holy Spirit concerning what our futures will hold.

Wordless Wednesday

"He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross,

so that, free from sins,

we might live for righteousness;

by his wounds you have been healed."

I Peter 2:24 (NRSV)

*picture taken of Christus statue in Salt Lake City, UT

Racism and Sexism: Alive and Well in Central Texas?

I endured my yearly trip to my doctor this morning, and while waiting cold and naked, I vowed today to post a rant-n-rave about the pitiful state our health care system is in when hospital administrations dictate what patient care should look like. But when I opened my local newspaper today to the editorial section, I realized my words would be better spent on the letter to the editor.

The writer's name is Evelyn Poole. I want everyone on the blogosphere to know her name and have access to her First Amendment-protected speech. I know she would not be ashamed; after all, she wrote to the newspaper in hopes of being published and making her point. I searched for a link to her letter online but couldn't find one, so I'll present it to you here:

"The greatest disappointment of this election is reaction of the white women voters. Since they couldn't have Sen. Clinton for a presidential candidate or running mate, they threaten to vote for McCain and Sarah Palin.

No wonder it too so long for women to get the vote with this type of thinking. I can imagine all those women who fought so diligently to obtain this privilege turning over in their graves because of the brainless way their rights are being exploited.

But here we are, allowing Sen. McCain to make a cynical and demeaning appeal to women voters by tapping Gov. Palin as a running mate. Gov. Palin agrees with the Bush administration more than McCain and things we should show Georgia our allegiance by taking on Russia.

Only an idiot would even think of this while our country is already embroiled in two wars, one unneccessary, with thousands of lives already lost. She knows absolutely nothing about the economy, jobs, security, and our world's trashed reputation on foreign policy.

You selfish, unthinking, immature white women who threaten to jump on McCain and the soccer mom's bandwagon, go right on ahead and follow another loser because she has the right reproductive organs. See where it'll lead you, your children and grandchildren. Explain how you, with your anger and bigotry, let a man who left his crippled wife, destroy their futures because you couldn't have it your way. Russia would just love to rule America!

There are too many unethical scandals involving these politicians for conscientious Americans to ignore. Oh, I forget, if you're white, you're right, right?"

As soon as you have all picked your throbbing jaws up off the floors, you can join this rant-n-rave in progress...

OK. How shall I attack this? It's like ordering the 64 oz. steak at a local greasy spoon restaurant -- you're not quite sure upon which end you need to start, and you're already sick to your stomach at the thought of having to digest it. I guess I'll take it paragraph by paragraph.

Point #1: White women are hell-bent on voting a vagina-owner into office, regardless of what said vagina-owner endorses or believes.

Counterpoint: I'm automatically inclined to believe this writer is not white, which immediately plunges one into the cesspool of racism. She lost all credibility in my eyes with the word "white". Secondly, she insists that women vote based on gender at all costs. While I agree that there are a good many women out there who are so obtuse as to cast a vote just because it would be "cool" to finally have a woman in the White House, there are a vast majority of us who have evolved past this political knuckle-dragging to being able to walk upright on two feet to the polls. In my personal opinion, Hillary Clinton was too controversial a candidate and had probably pissed off someone with enought money and connections to have her behind handed to her. I didn't plan on voting for her to begin with, so it makes me no difference one way or the other. Also, I have to wonder about Ms. Poole. Is she one of these women who will only vote for a man because she believes that women cannot function in these roles? Is she subliminally aiming to convince women to revert back to vaccuming in our petticoats and high heels and only vote for men because it's the "right" thing to do?

Point #2: McCain only chose Palin as a running mate for demographic reasons.

Counterpoint: Um, yeah, that seems fairly obvious. In the days where you don't make choices on who is truly right for the job but rather who can bring home the electoral bacon, it would seem as though candidates today are chosen by how many demographical boxes they cover. And hey -- if you can check off any minority box, you get bonus points! I would offer to her that perhaps the only reason Barack Obama has been chosen by his own party is because he is black, since we're using Crayola terms here, not because he has a brain one or can spell the words, "Community Organizer." Seriously, folks, I cannot think of more than two men who have served as president in my lifetime that were truly viable candidates for the job, and even then, they had their problems. When are we, as a nation, going to rise up and say, "Quit giving us the spineless idiots being used as pansies for their political parties and give us a REAL leader"?!?!? Until then, we get the candidates we deserve.

Point #3: Palin has Jello for brains and couldn't possibly know anything about the list of sundry political topics, of which Ms. Poole seems to possess some untold wealth of knowledge.

Counterpoint: For crying out loud, the only person who could ever campaign with a check in the box of experience would be a current president, and even then it might be a stretch. I certainly don't expect a United States Senator to have a true grasp on the true conditions of the FOBs in Iraq or Afghanistan, nor do I expect that Ms. Poole has pulled her head far enough out of her posterior nether-regions to have much of a grasp, either. Our senators fly over to combat zones, using taxpayer dollars, for a few hours' appearance. Our soldiers are pulled away from important missions to provide security for them so they can "see what's going on on the ground." If you really wanted to know, maybe you should ruck up and deploy for a year and a half. Let your family live in government housing, enroll in TRICARE, and eat the nasty KBR food while living on a few hours of sleep every two to three days. But I digress.

And after having travelled the world and known people from far-flung places, I cannot say that I blame our world reputation on Bill Clinton or George W. Bush. I believe that all Americans should be held responsible for our reputation in the world. I was completely ashamed of this one American woman in Rome last year, creating such a scene. No wonder we are disliked! We're loud, rude, and swagger around with a sense of entitlement. On the other hand, if taking a stand for personal beliefs and not having more affairs than fingers and toes is something that earns me a less-than-stellar reputation, then go for it. I'll sit at the UN cafeteria table all by myself while all the popular nations sniggle and sneer in my general direction. I'll wear those stripes with pride.

Lastly, the topic of war. Who really wants it? It wrenching, ugly, gruesome work. No one truly wants it, yet it seems to be part of the human experience. My Iraqi cabbie in Salt Lake City was engaging me in conversation about George W. Bush, and I said, "You know what, I think we should just let our politicians have all the disagreement they want, but the rest of us don't have to be that way. There's too much we can all learn from each other." I thought the man was going to kiss me. He was a refugee, living in America for ten years. He loves the U.S. and supports everything we're doing, and I know he's not alone.

No one wants to die in battle (unless you're one of my ex-boyfriends who needs a serious dosage of Zoloft). There are hard things that must be done in life. If you are a soldier, being deployed and preparing to give your life as a sacrifice for those back home is something you chose to do, even those who belittle your efforts and spit in your face. Sometimes the wars are just; other times they are twisted and we are told half-truths. Either way, once the troops are there, there is a right way and a wrong way of conducting business. If we could leave leading our military to the people who know what they're talking about instead of out-of-touch politicians or people who emotionalize separations that military families endure, we could press on as a nation. Unfortunately, the smoldering sites of terroristic invasions in our homeland have since stopped smoking, and we're back to being the same self-centered culture we were on 9/10.

Point #4: White women are angry bigots who endorse only other white soccer moms and their vaginas, in addition to philandering men.

Counterpoint: Shall we make a list, dear readership, of just how many men, both black and white, have hooched around on their wives and won various elected offices by a landslide? Shall we invoke the name of our dear beloved JFK, flaming democrat and adulterer? Or maybe Bill Clinton would be better. Do you think he put a notch in Hillary's bedpost for every woman he shagged outside of the bounds of his marriage? And is it just me, or don't most minority females vote Democrat? Why are all soccer moms assumed to be white? Aren't families of minority backgrounds emerging into middle class, "soccer mom" culture as well? Or do all us nasty white girls sit there and polish our big pearl necklaces whilst watching "Sex And The City" DVDs in our minivans while "Hayden" and "Destynie" go to soccer practice on the field located in our gated suburban communities? Wouldn't it be something to find out poor Evelyn got tossed by her ex-husband for one of these floozies! Maybe that would explain the unfettered rage she explodes into here at the close of her literary diarrhea.

In conclusion, I don't begrudge dear Evelyn the right she has to get things off her chest. I'm just amazed that attitudes like this have survived in our modern day culture. If you put it out there, we all get to have at it, too. So take a shot at either Evelyn or me if you like. Take a stand and use the First Amendment to YOUR advantage, too!

Cover Tune Grab Bag

HisGirl, this one's for you, my dear. :)

Hurricane Ike Photographs

Words really cannot do justice to some of these photographs. As I looked at each one and read the captions, I thought, 'Oh, I've got to post this one,' but then the next one was more impressive and so on. So to keep it manageable, click on the title of this blog post to link to the photographs. Just amazing.

Daybook Entry

I am wearing a black t-shirt with "OIF OEF WOLFHOUNDS" on it from the reunion and a pair of Adidas capris with some Reef flip-flops, a.k.a. heaven for your feet. Oh yeah, and yesterday's make-up. Ick.

I am reading "The Mermaid Chair," by Sue Monk Kidd. So far it's been pretty interesting, but I'm only about ten chapters in. You can already tell what's going to happen, but I'm wondering where she's going to go with it. I've also been listening to "Engulfed In Flames," by David Sedaris and creating a scene by laughing and guffawing in the airports. He's hysterical!

I am hearing the sound of peace and quiet in my house, a true rarity.

Learning all the time that, no matter how hard I try, I cannot be perfect. I may strive so much to show love and concern for people, but it is rarely taken as it is meant. That is hugely frustrating to me.

I am thankful that I did not have to go to work at a job outside the home today. I always need at least one day after travelling to reset and get back on track. I'm also thankful I didn't oversleep today!

I am hoping for God to continue revealing bits and pieces of his plan for my life; for God to continue answering prayers; and, for increased patience while waiting for those answers.

From the kitchen comes the knowledge I've got a boat-load of mail and stuff to get caught up on.

I am creating time to do that catching up and not stressing about the miles on the bike I'm not riding today, or the workout I've neglected for a while. I've got to set the right priorities and set myself up to have more time for those things later on. Huge challenge for me!

Bringing beauty to my home Needing to work on this one. I think very "in the box" in this category, and ever since I decided to boycott summer and declare the onset of fall when school started almost a month ago, I have mentally checked this off my list. I'm so inspired by all of you who regularly incorporate little lovelies into your homes.

Around the house is somewhere I'm trying to make a point to be more often these days. I've often been dubbed, "The Stay At Home Mom Who Is Never At Home." As funny as that may sound initially, I cringe at the thought that this is how my children will reflect on their younger years, and I truly don't want them to remember a mother who was too busy pursuing selfish interests to be there for them or to make moments special and memorable.

Outside my window summer is trying to make a come-back, like an ex-girlfriend who won't go away and keeps trying to crash your dates. Shoo! Shoo!! We don't want you around anymore! We're trying to move on here -- get lost!

I am thinking about how, in a mere 17 days, I will get to be reunited with my dear, beloved CHICAS OF FAITH!!! HOOTY HOO!!! (Oh crap, that means I've got a lot to get done between now and then...)

One of my favorite things fall. The colors, the flavors, the CLOTHES (oh yeah, HisGirl!), the promise of family gathering and the ensuing madness of the holidays. And my 32nd birthday, which I'm looking forward to more than any other birthday I can ever remember.

A few plans for the rest of the week... I, too, will make my yearly pilgrimage to ye olde torture devices stirrups for my annual Poke-N-Prod well woman exam. I do, however, want to address the situation with the chronic migraines, and it seems that I am developing icky medical conditions usually reserved for people much older than me. That's right, folks, I think I've developed a bunion. And ohhh, it can be painful. I'm just wondering what that's going to entail...

Wordless Wednesday

Don't be a hater. You know you love it!!!

**This was supposed to be posted last Wednesday; don't know why the scheduled posting didn't work, but here you have it.

Did I Forget To Mention...?

Guess who's getting their first root canal? That would be Bud. Yep, my three year old is following in the footsteps of his father. T. would look at a piece of cake and need a root canal. The poor guy had soapscum for tooth enamel.

Bud had his second trip to the dentist today. A mere six months ago he had a stellar report -- excellent brushing and no cavities. Today, ironically the brushing is still good. It just turns out that he has inherited crummy enamel and now has three cavities. So, he will get two small fillings and one root canal with a silver cap. This is about par for the course with the kids -- Li'l G had SEVEN cavities at her last appointment, two of which had to have caps. We won't even go into how expensive this is. The real truth of it is that I can praise God that this was found now and not in December. We would've been paying all $900 for this out of pocket if this had come to our attention after 30 NOV.

So if any of you are doing Christmas shopping for my kids this year, you might as well buy them some Grillz. We've decided to turn crunk and really run with it.

Do I Have My Answer???

As I'm sure most of you have grown tired of hearing by now, I have been in a discernment process for over two years now on just how God is calling me towards working in his service. I've mentioned how I tend to be a jack-of-all-trades but master of none, and while I would like to narrow my professional focus to reduce this "calling ADD," I can't help but fantasize about all of the areas in which I think I have potential and skill that could be used for kingdom good.

There are certain areas that feel like a given, a reliable constant instead of a rash variable in my life. One is music ministry, and the other is to be active in the body of Christ as it pertains to serving my church. But is this supposed to be my vocation?

First and foremost, I knew that lovely November afternoon when T. was out on his first field training exercise (FTX) after returning home from Kuwait in 2002 that God had called me to become a mother. I finally felt as though my life finally made sense, and that all of the universe was in balance and groovy. However lovely and emotionally fulfilling this has been in my life (not to mention trying and stressful, but I'm trying to have a moment here), it does not pay the bills. I am fortunate to be able to stay at home with my children and not be pressured into being a single mother whose children spend all their waking hours in the arms of other caregivers. Just as T. made it possible in life for me to stay home (although I'm constantly on the go) to be here for our children, he continues to be our provider even in death.

But there is a day coming when I will have to enter the workforce, and those of you who know me even remotely know that I am one who cannot settle for anything in life, be it for a purse, a man, or a vocation. Not only must I be working at something about which I am passionate, I feel a responsibility, a calling if you will, to have my story "out there." I believe that there are people out there who are in need of someone who "gets them" in crisis situations, that isn't going to judge them, say something completely selfish or rude, and just love them through the life-changing moments they never thought they'd have to live through. I remember sitting with the ladies who met me from the organ donation agency thinking, 'I could do this -- I could help others having to make hard choices when they don't want to have to think about it because I've been there.'

So I've been working on becoming a Certified Lay Minister. It's just informal training, but it's a start, and I'm almost through with my training. I feel as if I could be approaching a fork in the road, although this one doesn't have anything yummy attached to it. It just branches out into foggy oblivion. I wish my life was as easy as an episode of "Dora The Explorer." She comes to a path and gets help from the audience to figure out which path to take. Spoiled brat!

At any rate, I've lost focus on those thoughts running in my head for a little while now. But when I was at Barnes & Nobles recently, my eyes caught the title of a book which I brought home and devoured. I won't give it away yet, as I'm still working on a review blog for it. It was as if I was reading about someone else living my life, and it awakened those thoughts of serving in the capacity of pastoral care and ministry of presence.

The Bible verse on my calendar here in the office for 9/11 was Ephesians 2:10 -- "We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." For some reason, this made me think of people whose lives were changed on 9/11, survivors of those lost in various ways on that date. That was also T.'s birthday, and so I lumped myself into this category. I reflected upon how much my life has changed, how I'm a totally different person than the insecure, irrational brat he married on 1 July 2000, and undoubtedly how those survivors' lives have all changed as well. Then I pondered the last part of this verse, how God prepared in advance for us to do good works. God knew ahead of time who all of us were and who we would become in the moments just before and just after our lives pivoted on that tragic fragment of time. He's been crafting us all along, and for some of us, that crafting includes a massive puncture wound to the heart, complete with surrounding tissue damage and necrosis. The wounds don't mean our demise, but we are no longer the same creations we were; however, we remain his workmanship. Hmmm, OK...

So I had left the calendar open to this page, leaving it there as a reminder to blog on this verse. I'm tired of there being so many hits on the "Open Toed Shoe Pledge" (in fact, I'm not even linking to it!) -- I want people to be reading something of substance when they come here -- that I thought I would blog about it. I never got around to it until today. As I kept a finger on 9/11 and read up to today's entry, this is what I found:

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." -- II Corinthians 1:4

And there you have it. I feel as though I have received a clear answer to my question. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have got to pay forward the love and support God showered me with through the presence of the others who ministered to me during my dark valley experience. The strength and clarity and serenity he gave me in those first days were unlike any other experience I've ever had, and while I know I can never be that source for anyone else, I would like to be Jesus with skin on for them, a source for them to find comfort and to hear that God loves them no matter what and is, indeed, closer to them than they could understand, even in a time such as that.

In all my searching and pondering, I swear I have never read this verse before, and it just tumbled off the page like it was spring-loaded, waiting for me to stumble upon it. I'm going to cling to this verse and continue to pray and seek and see where this leads! I just know great things are coming...

Accountability Post #4: Spinning

I've got a flat tire and my stupid chain has some slack in it right now, so it's slipping around like I'm shifting gears when I'm really not. Rather than utilize my new bike rack and get the problem taken care of this week, I'm putting it off until I get back from my travels. I just did well to motivate myself to get to spinning today.

Report #4: 15 SEP 2008. I was actually indoors today at the gym, and I made a point to get a bike with an odometer on it this time. I think I was really having an off-day because I just couldn't motivate myself to really crack the whip. I've noticed my overall discipline for getting to the gym and getting out there to workout. This is what happens when you allow yourself too many days off from the gym -- it's too easy to get out of the habit, especially when you think, 'I still look pretty good, and all my skinny clothes still fit. I'm too busy today...' DON'T FALL FOR IT!!! IT'S A TRAP!!!

At any rate, I did go approximately 15 miles over an hour. When I divided that up, it comes out to a rate of a 4 minute mile, which I know for certain is not very accurate. Or maybe so, I don't know. Just didn't feel that efficient today.

I am headed off to Pilates this morning, but I have to admit, since I have not bothered to continue my weight training that I was so obsessive about this spring and summer, I'm struggling with positions and skills that used to come so easily to me that I was borderline bored with them. Again, I'm using the whole "I'm too busy" mantra to justify why I'm not spending more time working on it. I love Pilates and can attest to how it has basically given me back as much of my pre-baby body as I will ever have back. I highly recommend it if you want to cry every time you think about the belly button you once had before your children kicked it from the inside out. :)

Hope everyone has a happy, healthy Tuesday!!

Daybook Entry

I was over at Pilgrim Steps and enjoyed reading her Daybook. I might start doing these every so often, more as a tool to get the creative juices flowing. Leave a link in the comments if you'd like to play along, too! Or just leave some snarky comments, as per usual... :)

I am wearing a periwinkle longsleeved t-shirt and khaki pants. Not very seasonal colors, but perfect for our first real feeling of fall! Nice and comfy...

I am reading junk right now. I'm between books and finally finished my last paper for lay ministry (HOORAY!!!), so I indulged today at the supermarket in a couple of magazines. I bought one about cottage living, another about cottage floorplans, and a Vanity Fair. I have this dream of living in a quaint little cottage in a charming little town somewhere, complete with beautiful flowers, birds, comfort food, and other utopian necessities. The Vanity Fair is for the plane. I love haute couture, and the articles are remotely interesting, but for the most part VF is pure leftist, liberal drivel. Which is exactly why I don't subscribe (anymore). I will, however, take my copy of Christopher Moore's Lamb on the plane, and fully intend on downloading another David Sedaris book so I can laugh like a crazy woman on the plane. :)

I am hearing the call of God to do something with my life -- just what it is, I'm still not sure of. I'm still listening, though...

Learning all the time that I am a person who is a jack-of-all-trades and master of none. While I think it's pretty neat that I can attempt pretty much anything that strikes me as interesting with a relative degree of success, I either lose interest quickly or I find another mountain to conquer. I am learning that there's a reason why God created me this way, but I am needing to learn how he wants me to put this unusual skill to work for the kingdom.

I am thankful for my good health. I went through a long stretch, months really, where I was suffering from chronic migraines. They are likely linked to changes in hormones, which I think I've got figured out now. I also took pro-active steps to manage my sinus symptoms, which trigger migraine-like headaches. Now if I can just survive Mountain Cedar pollination this winter...

I am hoping to get lots done tomorrow; in fact, probably too much. I'm starting to feel the crunch of, 'Oh crap, I really wanted to get this done before I left town.' Some things will just have to wait until I get home, and that's that.

From the kitchen I can see the pale hue of the early fall sky. I just cannot get over the fact that we are having fall weather in September! It's such a rare event here in Central Texas. If this were anywhere up north, we'd also have the blessing of fall colors to match, but I'm definitely not one to look a gift horse in the mouth!

I am creating more time in our daily schedule to read and work on phonics with the kids. We make the phonics something fun that we can do in about 2.5 minutes while we're eating breakfast, and by getting our daily routine worked out, we usually have a little time left to steal for a quick snuggle and story. What's even better is that Li'l G is starting to be able to read the stories to us!

Bringing beauty to my home by striving to keep it clean and work on keeping up with organization! Ever since buying the new leather couches and recliner, I've been focused on keeping the hardwood floors vaccumed and cleaned, in addition to going the extra mile in the kitchen. I need to add my bathroom to that list, though; it's cluttered right now.

Around the house there is a sense that we have moved on to a new stage in our lives as a family. The kids are no longer toddlers. That has been a difficult stage for me to let go. As much as they have driven me crazy with toddler tantrums, potty training, and general kid behavior, I have loved every minute of the closeness and preciousness it brings. Now, there are backpacks, homework, lunchboxes, and carpool schedules. We groove like a well-oiled machine. :)

Outside my window are glaring examples of how I neglect my domestic duties to pursue other interests, be they personal or ones relating to my children. The nandinas are in competetion with the dwarf yupons to see who can clutter up the flower bed faster. Now is definitely the time to be trimming them back. This particular corner of my front flower beds used to frame my office window and gave it a quaint, cottage-y view from indoors. Now it's just a reminder that I need to seek a slower pace of life.

I am thinking about the possibility of becoming a crisis chaplain. There is a LOT of research to do to see if this is the right vocation for me (see a few paragraphs earlier). I definitely feel called to serve with a ministry of presence, in addition to music ministry. I think this might be an extremely rewarding profession at some point, but it's a loooong road for me to get there. Just thinking at this point...

One of my favorite things is my kids' quirky senses of humor. Bud is becoming a little comedian, telling jokes and following up with, "Get it?!?" He just cracks himself up. Li'l G smiles so big that her eyes are almost closed as she laughs this zany, Julia Roberts-esque guffaw. I hope these are the last things I remember just before Jesus takes me home someday.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Now that I have the weight of unfinished business off my chest having finished my paper, I am completely free to enjoy some well-deserved play time with my sweetie for a few days. I plan on sleeping late, working out, getting outdoors, eating like a pig, drinking good wine, fellowshipping with friends, and hopefully being swept off my feet a little bit. Even moms need to feel glamorous every now and then. :)

Hurricane Ike Update

Nothing. Nada. Not a darned thing.

That's what effects we felt of this monster storm.

I guess I should be more positive -- we got one brief shower that was enough to dissolve the fertilizer I put out this morning. And we didn't have any damage or outage of power.

But seeing as I have no life and immensely enjoy rainy days, this was one of the most anti-climactic days I've had since the kids and I returned home from Washington.

On a lighter note, I will be travelling this week to Salt Lake City. Since I am not Mormon, nor do I ever plan to be, some of you might be wondering why on earth I'm headed there this week. As it turns out, there is a reunion for the unit with which R. served in Iraq. I had the privilege of meeting some of the veterans from this unit on Memorial Day on the National Mall. I was so touched by the sense of connection these guys shared. So many of them are Vietnam vets and have really fought and struggled to reclaim their lives from the harrowing images of battle and the heartbreak of fallen comrades. What amazes me is the look they give one another as they embrace and say, "Welcome home, brother," even after so many years. They didn't just return home from war at some time in the past. They return home to each other every time they gather and fellowship together.

Another reason why I will travel with R. to support him and this group of warriors is because of how the older guys support the current generation. The guys who have been around the block can spot a soldier from a mile away who is at high risk for not handling life back home very well. They love these young warriors and knock themselves out to tell them how proud they are of them and how they are there if the need arises.

What am I there for? To observe these brothers-in-arms reuniting, strengthening a bond that is crucial. To express to R. that I love him by supporting this tight-knit group that mean more to him than most people. To experience a part of the country I've never seen before. To hear the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing on Thursday night. And to look good at the banquet, too. :)

And BTW, if any of you are locals or have been to SLC before, toss me some pointers on things not to be missed!!

Under The Gun

Alrighty, Texas. Looks like it's our turn to take a hit for the team. I wonder, how many of our evacuees will Louisiana accept?...

We are looking at tropical storm conditions where I live in Central Texas by Saturday evening, so it looks like my wish for rain will be more than granted. We'll probably hole up in the house with popcorn and movies, possibly throw a roast in the crock pot, too.

S4J, can I evacuate to your house?!? :) Pre-Chicas '08!

This-N-That

Whew! It's been a whirlwind week, and I've gotten so far behind on posting that the hard drive in my brain is maxed out. I will attempt to recap:


As of last week, I have officially become a minion of the PTA at Li'l G's school. Honestly, I have been skeptical of PTAs because I am not very fond of cliques and anything that reminds me of my terrible days as an adolescent. However, this group of ladies seems like hard workers who truly want to be involved at the school to help support teachers and kids. I helped set up for the Book Fair and will work for a few hours there later this week. I may have an inner librarian working somewhere in the untold folds of my personality. At any rate, I'm not able to work things in the evenings due to my family structure, and this is one of the best ways to volunteer during the daytime. That, and I'm always on the lookout for new friends. The way I see it, the more connections we can make with other people the better. You never know when you might meet that one friend who becomes a gem you treasure for a lifetime.


The main focus of the last week or so has definitely been the fundraiser and praise band concert that went down at my church last night. We've been toiling away at practices. I know everyone on the team has got to be ready for a little space away from me as I struggled to get some of my fine tuning down. But the bottomline is that this is an unusually grace-filled group of people that I'm so blessed to have in my life. The fundraiser seems to have been a success, and we all left the concert feeling like we had put forth our best effort.


I was trying to explain to someone recently what it is like to play with a group of people. It's one thing to play an instrument or sing and have to be in front of a group of people, but when you do this in the context of praise and worship, it's a whole different enchilada. What we do as a praise band is meant for the direct benefit of the congregation and as our personal sacrifices of praise to the Lord. To me, I feel like the luckiest person in the room because of my vantage point. Not only am I doing something that I love and that I feel that God has blessed me to be able to share this passion with others, but the blessing I receive when I observe others listening to the music and interacting with it, it is something so sacred that I just cannot think of another way to experience it. All I can say is "wow."


Amidst all this fracas, R. came to visit for the weekend and I got one of my papers finished. Even Li'l G had homework that miraculously got done. All this done with a sinus headache all.weekend.long.


I need a weekend to recover from my weekend.


And now for the bad news: I have made an executive decision to cut something from my calendar. **Insert sound of needle scratching across vinyl record in the distance!!** What, GGG?!? You actually took something OFF your calendar? Honey, check the news -- I think Jesus is coming again...!


Yes, I have decided to take a committment away from myself so that I don't kill myself with too many items on the personal agenda. I am still cycling and even showing up to spinning if there's bad weather, but I do not have the time necessary to be properly trained for the bike race in October. It was a hard call to make, but it was the right choice. I will still train to enter a race, but I will put it off until the spring. I've got to properly prioritize my time these days, and quite frankly, it was taking up valuable space on the front burner. I will, however, continue to post for accountability. So none of you are off the hook, either!!! Thought you were off the hook... ;)


On a more philosophical note, I'm sensing change these days. I don't know what form to expect it in, but I have this unsettled feeling that there is going to be a major shift in my life over the next few months. This could be for several reasons.


1) Having been married to the military, I'm used to moving every 24 months or so. I've been living here in my new home, essentially my new life, for 25 months. Just sheer force of habit might lead me to expect change, right? Maybe...


2) I'm entering the last of four semesters of lay ministry training. I distinctly remember thinking after T. died that I wanted to enter into some kind of ministry, counseling, pastoring, worship leader/music ministry, etc. My pastor-at-the-time and friend advised me of this program offered through my denomination that might be interesting and even serve as part of the discerning process for me to consider what my calling might be or what the next steps of my new life would look like. Now, as I am nearing the end of this incubation period, I think I'm somewhat closer to figuring that out but still have no clear answers. Perhaps it's anxiety related to feeling like I've reached the end of one path and wondering where the beginning lies to the next one.


I know for sure that I will sorely miss the fellowship I experience at these meetings. The other PLM candidates are such interesting people who truly desire to take a further step in their involvement in the life of the church and those they are serving/will serve. Having almost 25-30 likeminded individuals gathered in one place just makes me giddy with excitement and energy to take the world by storm. The professors are such interesting folks and are all so anointed and yet so different from one another that I feel like I could just hang on their every word. Obviously I enjoy these sessions and will miss them so much. I have no idea who or what God will bring along to fill this void in my life.


3) I'm eccentric, hormonal, compulsive and turning 32 next month. Can anyone say mid-life crisis?!? However true of the first part, I can't really say I think it's a mid-life crisis. And I'm actually quite fond of being in my thirties. I think it is when human beings hit their prime. I definitely feel like this is the prime of my life and want to capitalize that in every possible way, hence all the fitness craze and the continuing education stuff. But is that the source of this "hunch?"


4) Maybe my relationship is moving into a new phase. I can't really say that much has changed, and even if it had, I'm under strict orders not to mention "him" on the blog. This is request is painfully hard for me to honor. While I don't have any problem with keeping a private life private, I also know that there are other people out there in my shoes who are aching inside, wondering what has happened to them, if things will ever change, who they are, who they want to be with, etc. I feel called to share my life's experiences, and dating after the death of a spouse is an area of our society left largely unexplored. Most people think it's too taboo to discuss. Then again, most people associate the word "widow" with people who look like Sophia Petrillo. While I probably act like her, I can assure you that is the only thing we have in common.


At any rate, perhaps there is change in our future. Will this change be a step toward a closer bond, toward a mature love that could lead to a lifelong committment and a chance at having another baby? I would love that. Or, will it lead to us shaking hands and saying, "I love you, but not like that?" I certainly hope not. But there is just no way of knowing, is there? Despite my feelings about wanting to reach out to this neglected group of the population, I will respect his wishes on this matter. It's the least I can do.


There are probably lots of other reasons for this hunch. The changing of the seasons, my hormones, too much sinus pressure, the anniversary of T.'s birthday this week, the desire to see change, seeing my family transition from a house ruled by the needs of toddlers to those of kids old enough to unbuckle their booster seats. My God, El Roi, God Who Sees, knows what's in my heart. He hears my silent cries of, "What now?", "Why not?", "Why me?", "Why not me?", and many others that only the Holy Spirit can utter on my behalf. And let the record show, I know this all has to be chalked up to trusting God to meet my needs and leaving it in God's hands.

And on top of all this madness, S4J goes off and posts about certain trust and gets us all convicted and stuff. Pft. How rood.

So there you have it, dear readers. What happens next in the never-ending drama/saga that is the life and times of GGG & Co.??? Tune in tomorrow for the next installement of, "The Days of Surviving Wives!"

Here I Stand!!!

You all have 54 more shopping days until I turn a mere, tender 32 years of age. If you haven't done your shopping yet and plan to give me something other than a hard time (certain praise band piano players... hehe...), you can begin your shopping search here in general or here specifically (ahem, Chicas...) Or if you're feeling bold, surprise me with a little something special from this reputable online establishment. Heck, they might even accept a post-dated check, yo.

I know I owe you all a couple of accountability posts, which I will likely condense into one given my insane schedule and complete inability to scale down my life. I've also just finished an amaaaaaazing book and really want to review it properly. Did I mention I STILL have papers to finish?!? Good grief... Once the meth wears off and I'm thinking clearly again, I'll get caught up...

JUST KIDDING! (About the meth, that is...)

Palin and Pasties (Or The Lack Thereof)

OK. For those of you who thrill at GGG's rants-n-raves, make yourself a ginormous bowl of popcorn and get a vat of Coke, because I'm ready for a good one today!

First off, let me set the scene. Picture it: Central Texas, 2008. A trim, healthy, active, not-too-bad-looking mom is walking through a local grocery store, selecting fresh fruits and vegetables to take home and lovingly prepare for her two young children. She takes pride in having "gotten her body back," even if she had to do so by force, and is trying to model healthy lifestyles for said children, despite how much people at the bank love to hand out lollypops and grandparents smuggle in root beer and gummi snacks. (Side bar: did I mention that I think Bud has a cavity the size of Tropical Storm Ike in his sweet little molar?!? More on that in two weeks when we see the dentist. Back to your regularly scheduled kvetching session...)

So yes, there we were in the local grocery store. We were really savoring some mommy-and-me time, seeing as Li'l G is already in school and he will begin his foray into official preschool tomorrow. *sniff, sniff* Just as we were unloading the cart, I cast my eyes up to the trashy tabloids and other various rags they sell at the checkout. The next thing I see is a painted nipple, and I wanted to be ill.

You know, I remember the first time I saw a bathing suit that had been, literally, painted on. It was a good 7-10 years ago in an allegded swimsuit magazine that comes out once a year because, you know, lots of women read this particular periodical. On top of that, I'm sure this magazine is marketed to equally as many women as men, and I don't know about you other people lacking penises, but I love gawking at other women whose hobbies are hang gliding and watching Kung-Fu while eating Hooters hotwings.

I couldn't believe that the people who published this magazine had gotten away with putting a little Crayola Tempera paint on this woman's hoo-ha (the scientific name, FYI) and publishing this without plastic wrapping around it! It was one of those moments where you say, "Am I the only one who just saw that?!?" Apparently I wasn't, but apparently I'm the only one who was shocked by it.

There is a fully naked woman on the front of this magazine. Every single woman in it, to include Paris Hilton, are completely nude. There are no pasties on their tender mercies, although I'm sure there's some kind of "artistic saran wrap" on their nether-regions. I reeeeeaaallly don't want to know how they pulled this off. I'm not going to post a link to anywhere on the Internet where you can find it, as I'm sure it's pretty easy to do. Heck, you can be at the Quickie Mart and send your five year old in with $5 to get you a copy of your very own. And THAT, dear readers, is why I'm ranting and raving today.

Go ahead -- I triple dog dare someone to comment using the words "First Amendment Rights" on this blog. What's at stake here is not the First Stinkin' Amendment. I think we've all been drug down the road of speech really meaning expression in general this sad day and age. Actually, I wonder if the founding fathers are rolling in their graves to look at the issues of our day in comparison to the ones of theirs: surviving epidemics, religious persecution, and being under the tyrannical rule of a separate nation. At any rate, we live in a society that we have created. I know that I cannot keep pornographers from being profitable at their chosen profession. But I do know that we have laws that limit its accessibility. If this particular magazine wants to publish this type of magazine, there's nothing legally that can be done about it. I just wish that it would be wrapped up and an ID card presented before purchase. Yes, kids under 18 will still likely get their hands on it, just like booze and cigarettes. We can't keep them from doing it, but if there are deterrents along the way, it might make the hassle not worth it or, heaven forbid, it might cause them to think about what they're doing. The fact that this magazine is sitting at eye level with my three and a half year old, next to other non-pornographic magazines, is unacceptable to me. Plain and simple.

And while we're at it, let's talk about the freedom of speech/expression. We are all free to spew forth whatever comes to our minds without fear of imprisonment or persecution, and that's an amazing gift not to be taken for granted. Our soldiers stand in harm's way 24/7 to ensure that this freedom remains ours to use or not use as we choose. What baffles me is how we deal with the repercussions of said free speech/expression. Maybe this is why our court systems are clogged hopelessly with litigation-happy people who can't resolve their issues without having the law step in like a frazzled, worn out parent, and peel the two fighting siblings off each other. Here's what I think: You have a right to say/express whatever you want. I maintain that I have a right to not have to hear it, experience it, or acknowledge it. There's a reason why strip clubs don't have windows! I just wish there was some legal stance those of us could take that don't want anything to do with a certain activity. Almost like an intellectual restraining order or something. I'm not trying to prohibit this woman's right to be an exhibitionist. I'm just want to be left alone and not be affronted with her colorful, naked mammaries when I'm at the supermarket. If I wanted that, I could gaze at my own any time I wanted. Oh, but if I take out my breasts as I'm writing a check, that's considered public indecency. I could go to jail for that. But if I paint them with the kids' fingerpaints before I leave the house, does that make it legal??? Just some food for thought...

As another side note regarding our civil liberties, something else that really peels my potatoes is when people cry out "freedom of religion" or "separation of church and state." (which, dear readers, IS A PHRASE NOT FOUND IN OUR CONSTITUTION, NOR IS IT FOUND IN OUR BILL OF RIGHTS. Feel free to peruse here.) I cannot think of a single time when this was used on someone of any other religion than Christian. Christians receive verbal lynchings in ways that would make every member of the ACLU suicidal if it were being said of a Muslim, Jew, Buddhist, Hindu, Taoist, agnostic, or atheist. But the minute Christians form the words, "God," or, "Jesus," on their lips, we get whacked across the nose by Lady Liberty with her spare copy of the Constitution rolled up like Sunday's newspaper. If, indeed, we as Americans feel the need to enforce the laws this way, I'd like to see a little consistency. That's really all I'm asking for.

And speaking of consistency, that leads me to my last rant-n-rave topic of the day. Ever since Sen. McCain announced that Sarah Palin would be his running mate during this election, people have been in a political whirlwind about his choice. Let me say upfront: I don't care what body parts you were born with. If you're going to be a president or vice president of my country, gender and/or race is not something I care at all about. What I care about is this: are you the right human being for the job??? Most of us agree that we don't know much about her. As I learn more about her, I think she's pretty interesting. But I will say this: she has a 17 year old daughter who is pregnant. Again, I'm not going to link to this news, as it is prolific on almost any website you come across. But here's an opportunity to display some character.

Palin professes to be a pro-life candidate. I'm not going to blog about abortion, pro-choice, pro-life, or anything like that. I don't think it's an edifying conversation about which to blog. What impressed me about this situation is this: here is a young woman, going through a life-altering event. Not only is the transition from woman to mother a huge deal, doing it as a 17 year old really ups the ante. Many kids might want to have an abortion; similarly, their parents might be encouraging them to have an abortion for various reasons. To my knowledge, this girl is five months along and sounds like she will not be aborting her baby. Some people are incredibly critical of Gov. Palin about this familial indiscretion; I say BRAVO TO HER FOR BEING CONSISTENT. If she's pro-life, yet encourages her daughter to have an abortion because she's too young to be a mother and would be throwing her life away, that makes her a hypocrite in my eyes, which in turn means I wouldn't be casting a vote for her. This seems to be a case where the family is rallying around one another, the candidate is practicing what is being preached, and the message is consistent. Again, consistency is all I'm asking for.

So who am I voting for? I'm not letting on just yet, but I'm pretty sure I know who I'm not voting for, so the decision seems to be made for me. I still think that we're lacking a truly viable candidate for president, but that's a different blog for a different day. Hope you all will actually read me again after today!! And feel free to sound off if you want -- comments from both sides are welcomed here, even if you want to accuse me of being a bloviating poppinjay. (Big smooches if anyone knows where that came from...)

Labor Day

Have you ever made a complete and total ass of yourself? No? OK, good, I was pretty sure I'm the only one who has...

I have spent this Labor Day torn between two activities: watching Hurricane Gustav news and updates like I watched on 9/11 (i.e., obsessively) and laboring over something in my heart.

I'm relieved that Gustav turned out to not be Katrina Part Deaux. (Would that be Katrina, Jr.? Can females be, "Jr.'s?" Who can know...) I think the next few days will be interesting as damage assessments begin to filter in and we get a better picture of actual damage done to the coast. Here's hoping that everyone will continue to do the right thing...

The other activity has consumed both my conscious and subconscious thoughts. It affected my dream last night that woke me with a start and left me with a sour taste in my mouth for most of the day. I know that the person against whom I have sinned does not read my blog; nonetheless, it wouldn't be appropriate to give the gory details thereof. Mainly, it would make me look like a major jerk, but the details are personal, so there you have it.

I knew, before I said the offending sentence, that what I was about to say was waaaaay out of line. I knew that it was going to end up being hurtful, even though I really didn't want to hurt this person. What I really wanted to do was underscore a point I was trying to make that this individual just didn't quite get, and I was getting fed up of trying to be reasonable. I was trying to get their attention and get them to see how frustrating this whole situation was. What resulted was me saying something terrible that cannot be taken back.

Have you ever experienced that minute pause in time when you felt it, where you formed the thought, it traveled to your mouth and rolled in the air between your soft palate and your tongue, which stood poised to project the evil thought into audible history? That split second where your conscience (a.k.a. the Holy Spirit) caught your breath before you pushed right past it in an effort to get your attention before you made a wound that would leave a scar behind, even if it healed?

I plunged right on past all the flashing signals and red lights into a terrible thing to say, and I can't take it back. I didn't really mean it, but it's been said.

I've gone back and replayed this in my mind, from start to finish. The conversation started innocently enough, but once it took a turn, the horses were out of the gate, and there was no stopping them. I apologized yesterday for what I said, and I feel the need to reaffirm my regrets now that I've had a chance to reflect. I don't expect this person forgave me yesterday, and quite frankly I don't know that they ever will. Now I've created this ugly space in the relationship that will bug me for months to come.

A friend of mine from FT Polk introduced this verse to me that I used to lay claim to almost daily, and I think, in light of last night's turn of events, it's worth revisiting:

"Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips." -- Psalm 141:3

The whole psalm is good, but this verse is perfect for those of us who suffer from verbal diarrhea. It's Pepto Bismol for the soul, I guess. (Oh dear, that's just foul!)

Something I've learned about myself through all this is that I'm a selfish, sinful person. I expect everyone I know to care about me, to care about what's going on in my life, my opinions and views on things, help me to think out or solve my problems, etc. I, in turn, want to be there for them. I want to know about what matters to my friends and loved ones, what touches them, what makes them cry, what they struggle with, the tedious details of their everyday lives. Not everyone likes or appreciates a psychostalker friend who acts this way; it's high maintenance. And I've also noticed that I'm not a person that people turn to when they are in need, and that breaks my heart. I've got to be the kind of friend I want to have, but I can't go around pretending I'm someone I'm really not. God has given me certain gifts and sensitivities that others may not have.

I may have jeorpardized this relationship for one stupid collection of words. I know I can ask forgiveness from God and that the sin will be wiped away, but I feel like the penance for consciously stepping outside the boundaries of grace-full living is paid a thousand times over in my heart...