Do I Have My Answer???

As I'm sure most of you have grown tired of hearing by now, I have been in a discernment process for over two years now on just how God is calling me towards working in his service. I've mentioned how I tend to be a jack-of-all-trades but master of none, and while I would like to narrow my professional focus to reduce this "calling ADD," I can't help but fantasize about all of the areas in which I think I have potential and skill that could be used for kingdom good.

There are certain areas that feel like a given, a reliable constant instead of a rash variable in my life. One is music ministry, and the other is to be active in the body of Christ as it pertains to serving my church. But is this supposed to be my vocation?

First and foremost, I knew that lovely November afternoon when T. was out on his first field training exercise (FTX) after returning home from Kuwait in 2002 that God had called me to become a mother. I finally felt as though my life finally made sense, and that all of the universe was in balance and groovy. However lovely and emotionally fulfilling this has been in my life (not to mention trying and stressful, but I'm trying to have a moment here), it does not pay the bills. I am fortunate to be able to stay at home with my children and not be pressured into being a single mother whose children spend all their waking hours in the arms of other caregivers. Just as T. made it possible in life for me to stay home (although I'm constantly on the go) to be here for our children, he continues to be our provider even in death.

But there is a day coming when I will have to enter the workforce, and those of you who know me even remotely know that I am one who cannot settle for anything in life, be it for a purse, a man, or a vocation. Not only must I be working at something about which I am passionate, I feel a responsibility, a calling if you will, to have my story "out there." I believe that there are people out there who are in need of someone who "gets them" in crisis situations, that isn't going to judge them, say something completely selfish or rude, and just love them through the life-changing moments they never thought they'd have to live through. I remember sitting with the ladies who met me from the organ donation agency thinking, 'I could do this -- I could help others having to make hard choices when they don't want to have to think about it because I've been there.'

So I've been working on becoming a Certified Lay Minister. It's just informal training, but it's a start, and I'm almost through with my training. I feel as if I could be approaching a fork in the road, although this one doesn't have anything yummy attached to it. It just branches out into foggy oblivion. I wish my life was as easy as an episode of "Dora The Explorer." She comes to a path and gets help from the audience to figure out which path to take. Spoiled brat!

At any rate, I've lost focus on those thoughts running in my head for a little while now. But when I was at Barnes & Nobles recently, my eyes caught the title of a book which I brought home and devoured. I won't give it away yet, as I'm still working on a review blog for it. It was as if I was reading about someone else living my life, and it awakened those thoughts of serving in the capacity of pastoral care and ministry of presence.

The Bible verse on my calendar here in the office for 9/11 was Ephesians 2:10 -- "We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." For some reason, this made me think of people whose lives were changed on 9/11, survivors of those lost in various ways on that date. That was also T.'s birthday, and so I lumped myself into this category. I reflected upon how much my life has changed, how I'm a totally different person than the insecure, irrational brat he married on 1 July 2000, and undoubtedly how those survivors' lives have all changed as well. Then I pondered the last part of this verse, how God prepared in advance for us to do good works. God knew ahead of time who all of us were and who we would become in the moments just before and just after our lives pivoted on that tragic fragment of time. He's been crafting us all along, and for some of us, that crafting includes a massive puncture wound to the heart, complete with surrounding tissue damage and necrosis. The wounds don't mean our demise, but we are no longer the same creations we were; however, we remain his workmanship. Hmmm, OK...

So I had left the calendar open to this page, leaving it there as a reminder to blog on this verse. I'm tired of there being so many hits on the "Open Toed Shoe Pledge" (in fact, I'm not even linking to it!) -- I want people to be reading something of substance when they come here -- that I thought I would blog about it. I never got around to it until today. As I kept a finger on 9/11 and read up to today's entry, this is what I found:

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." -- II Corinthians 1:4

And there you have it. I feel as though I have received a clear answer to my question. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have got to pay forward the love and support God showered me with through the presence of the others who ministered to me during my dark valley experience. The strength and clarity and serenity he gave me in those first days were unlike any other experience I've ever had, and while I know I can never be that source for anyone else, I would like to be Jesus with skin on for them, a source for them to find comfort and to hear that God loves them no matter what and is, indeed, closer to them than they could understand, even in a time such as that.

In all my searching and pondering, I swear I have never read this verse before, and it just tumbled off the page like it was spring-loaded, waiting for me to stumble upon it. I'm going to cling to this verse and continue to pray and seek and see where this leads! I just know great things are coming...