"Stadium Pal" and Sedaris

Most of you know a couple of things about me by now if you've ever read one of my rants-n-raves or have read more than one post here on the blog: a) my political leanings, and b) I heart David Sedaris. I've been plotting to go with my friend, JO, to go hear him on 20 April next year, and I've read and listened to several of his books.

Much to my glee and delight, upon pulling up my Bloglines today, when I should've been writing a history paper, I saw were I had some blogs to catch up on over at Dooce's place. She was sharing about a performance Sedaris gave recently in Salt Lake City. He was commenting on the election, and I think this just about hits the nail on the head, no matter which side you end up voting for:

"I look at these people and can’t quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention?

To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”

To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked."

I'll admit, he does use a foul word here or there, but, in the eyes of someone who aspires to write, he seems to use them judiciously and with a reason, not just to be a cussing dope.

Here is a recent clip of him on David Letterman. I might need one of these items he's talking about since I seem to live in the car these days! You might want to put down your hot coffee so you don't burn yourself as you laugh!

Self-Medicating With Comedy

I swore I wouldn't do this any more. After sifting through the first 100 blogs on my site, I was apalled at how little writing I had done and how much "fluff and stuff" I had on my site. After all, this could be a ministry opportunity! Or a chance to develop myself as a writer and philosopher, a truly extraordinary wealth of knowledge and expression for the masses. But after the emotional build-up of sending Lil' G off to the first day of Kindergarten early tomorrow morning, missing R., missing my Chicas and being insanely jealous of the fellowship and laughter that those two noodles HisGirl and S4J got to have (you haterz! j/k -- love you bunches), and being, quite frankly, overwhelmed with what my schedule is going to be like from now until the end of the year, this is what I said:

Screw it! I need something funny...

(And before I go on, S4J's trip wasn't all sunshine and lollypops. She has been on such an amazing journey, one of mission that comes from the heart that God has given her for her brother, and it's been a long road. I'm so very thankful that HisGirl was able to steal away to go along on the journey to help bear the burden and so fulfill the law of Christ.)

OK, now... On with the show!

First of all, you guys need some GGG 101. My relaxed and groovy homey, JO, introduced me to this comedian, Eddie Izzard, a few months ago, and church just isn't the same now that we've been defiled by his insanity introduced to his comedy. Keep in mind he's British and runs off on tangents, which is funny in and of itself. In order to fully appreciate my snarky comments, watch these clips:

"Covered in Bees"



"Achilles and Hoover" (longer but funny)



Earlier tonight, I was over at Red Lipstick Diaries and she had a couple clips from a guy named Tim Hawkins. I nearly died laughing at him. He's a musical comedian, which puts him over the top in my book!

"Things You Don't Say To Your Wife"



Parents Are People (you will pee -- this is hysterical!!)



And this is a musical comedic shout-out to anyone who is involved on a praise team or church band:



For all you homeschooling families, this one's for you:



Lastly, this is the cleanest cut I could find of Rodney Carrington. I'll warn you now, he cusses, but he's painfully funny! I've been going through all his YouTube clips to find a relatively "clean" one and have been laughing so hard that my nose has stopped running and is stopped up now. SOOOO funny:



Pardon some of the language on this last one, but as Larry the Cable Guy says, "I don't care who ya are, that's funny right there!"

"A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones." -- Proverbs 17:22

Featured Blogger: Playgroupie Jennifer

I know I've referenced this site before, but after reading this entry, I nearly fell off the chair laughing. I'm needing some humor in my life these days to take the edge off, and that's why I hit sites like hers.

Besides her and Mama P, these two women keep me in stitches. I have a sneaky feeling that, were Mama P and I to be in the same room, we'd be a force of nature to be reckoned with!!

Who do you guys read for a good, hard gut laugh? (And no, laughing at me to remind yourself of how normal you are doesn't count!! j/k)

The Open-Toed Shoe Pledge

Alright ladies, it's that time of year once again!!! I think we need to be reminded of a few basic shoe fashion rules. So my sisters, PLEASE, raise your big toes and repeat after me below....

As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the following rules when wearing sandals and other open-toe shoes:

1) I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. The sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

2) I will either go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

3) I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

4) I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

5) I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

6) If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

7) I will not live in corn denial; rather, I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl if my feet need him.

8) I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99, even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat, and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

9) I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

10) I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good.

11) I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking. I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

12) I will promise to go to my local nail salon at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $25 and worth EVERY penny).

13) I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear... nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals.

Now go forth and wear some cute sandals! (Just remember to curl your toes at the end, JO!!!)

You Know You've Been Blogging Too Much When...

...you get up from your seat at Subway's in the Wal-Mart and immediately feel the veins in the back of your legs do some sort of weird spasm as you straighten out your leg, and you pray, "Dear sweet Lord, please don't let there be a massive blood clot travelling straight from my tree stump legs to my brain, killing me instantly and leaving my poor children all alone in Wal-Mart!"

Thursday Thriller: "Male Pattern Blindness"

As many of you know, I love love love this one particular blog from Indiana entitled, "Playgroups Are No Place For Children." Once again, Jennifer, Le Binky Bitch strikes back! While I am not married, I have been before, and I have briefly shared space with a certain someone who is tall, bald, super good-looking, but has asked to remain nameless here on the blog (but I digress...). From my limited experience, I have to say I think she's onto something!

To read this particular article, click on the title of this blog. HOWEVER! Don't miss the other posts she's put up today. If you want to read all of them, click here. For example, she takes a critical look at what the real difference is between toddler sizes 24mo. and 2T...

Have a laugh on me!

Triple Snap Action!

I am a Snapdragon What Flower Are You?

"Mischief is your middle name, but your first is friend. You are quite the prankster that loves to make other people laugh."

Sounds like Chicas '07, right?!?

"Just Like The Seeds In The Birdfeeder, So Are The Days of Our Nests..."

By a showing of hands, how many of you had the theme song of "Days of Our Lives" ticking in the back of your minds just a second ago?!? Man, I crack myself up... Hahaha!

John and Marsha are sticking pretty close to home these days. I don't think I've seen Marsha rise once from her post. I saw John and his father-in-law having an early morning conversation over at the birdfeeder just before he and the wife hit the sky after the Easter weekend. Apparently they had wanted to be here for the hatching but could only take so long off of work. So, they left the expectant couple with well-wishes and got going around sunrise.

Chyna has apparently been crashing at some other nest, because she has been completely absent from the construction zone that is their nest. Apparently Rex has been guilt-tripped into finishing the home improvement project before Chyna is on nest-rest, as he has been working his tailfeathers off to finish the nest and have an end to Chyna's constant nagging. As I walked out on the porch the other day to water my garden, he stopped his construction to wait impatiently on the fence, as if to say, "Hey, lady, can't you see I'm tryin' to work here?!?"

Luke and Laura are keeping things close to the vest. Apparently Laura's nesting instinct must've kicked in at some point, because the string of partiers and fly-bys are dwindling. There is little ruckus going on on the front porch these days, except the rare times Luke is allowed to hang out at the birdbath with a few buddies. And even though I have dark solar screens on the windows here in the office, any time I am typing on the computer and one of them is at the birdbath, they hop around and cock their heads like they know I'm talking about them and are trying to size me up. Maybe I shouldn't be using their real names, due to Internet security reasons... I'll take it into consideration...

Join me again soon for another installment of my birdie saga! Until then, be tweet!

"Erin Go Bra(ugh)-less"

I have never laughed so hard in my life. I really don't have anything profound to say, but I have GOT TO GOT TO GOT TO introduce you all to a blog I read. I think this girl could seriously have a career writing for sitcoms or something, or possibly be a stand-up comedian. Click on the title of this blog and prepare to pee your pants -- she's HYSTERICAL! If you're having a bad day or just need to laugh out loud, you need to bookmark her site...

The Hoober Bloob Highway

OK, this is the actual 24 minute video. My kids just watched this, and I'm laughing but grossed out at the same time! I haven't actually seen this since I was a kid, so it was a fun stroll down Amnesia Lane. Finally, at the end, the singers start singing about the "Hoober Bloob Highway" and the "Creator" sends Bub off down this long, golden ramp from heaven to earth and shouts, "Happy birthday!" It is at this moment that I make the completely disgusting connection that the "hoober bloob highway" is actually the birth canal!!! Hahahahahaha! I will refrain from regaling you all with the off-color humor that followed... Unfortunately, I have a very odd sense of humor to which Sing4Joy can attest. (Just ask her about which part of the body of Christ I am...lol)

So without further adieu, I give you... The Hoober Bloob Highway!


Online Videos by Veoh.com

The Hormone Hostage

Got this in an email from my mom and couldn't resist sharing it...

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker, or significant other:

DANGEROUS: "What's for dinner?"
SAFER: "Can I help you with dinner?"
SAFEST: "Where would you like to go for dinner?"
ULTRA SAFE: "Here, have some wine."

DANGEROUS: "Are you wearing that?!?"
SAFER: "Wow, you sure look good in brown!"
SAFEST: "Wow! Look at you!"
ULTRA SAFE: "Here, have some wine."

DANGEROUS: "What are you so worked up about?"
SAFER: "Could we be overreacting?"
SAFEST: "Here's my paycheck.:
ULTRA SAFE: "Here, have some wine."

DANGEROUS: "Should you be eating that?"
SAFER: "You know, there are a lot of apples left."
SAFEST: "Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?"
ULTRA SAFE: "Here, have some wine."

DANGEROUS: "What did you do all day?"
SAFER: "I hope you didn't over-do it today."
SAFEST: "I've always loved you in that robe!"
ULTRA SAFE: "Here, have some more wine."

12 Things that "PMS" stand for:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Swing
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pasw My Sweats
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Pack My Stuff
12. Potential Murder Suspect

"Remember: Money talks, but chocolate rocks!!"

Shoebox Valentines

Screw Valentine's Day cards! I'm sending these next year!!! hahaha...

The "Dirty Thirties"

A friend of mine posted this on her MySpace page and I was rolling with laughter! I can still remember the cable box on top of our TV with the buttons on top you had to punch to change the channels...

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what, with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning... uphill BOTH ways yada, yada, yada!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no
way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to
know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter...with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had
to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! That was me!!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and asteroids' and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little
square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were
no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died!

Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium
seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some
old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you
were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15
channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You
had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get
off your a$$ and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there
was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK !

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we
had to use the stove or go build a fire.... imagine that!

If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it
too easy. You're spoiled!!!!!!!!!

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! Oh yea, and
a seatbelt was Mom throwing her arm across your chest every time
she hit the brakes.

Regards,

The over 30 Crowd

"Mom My Ride"

I heard someone talking about this video clip and laughed too hard not to include it!