The Week(s) In Review

"A cheerful heart is a good medicine." -- Proverbs 17:22

I just realized today, as I was catching up on all of my Bloglines feeds, that I have been relatively "offline" for almost two weeks now. It seems like a lot longer than that! Not only have I not posted in that long, I also have read very few posts of others. My apologies for being such a slacker!

If your house is anything like mine right now, it's a real mixture of excitement and exhaustion, long grocery lists, recitals, exponential amounts of laundry and cleaning to do, and a potentially sick child as of bedtime tonight. In the midst of this, I'm trying to keep my chin up and soldier on, but my knees are already starting to feel a little weak. Between PMSing this week and celebrating T's third birthday in heaven, I know that God is going to have his hands full listening to my prayers for the next week or so!

In light of all that has gone on in the last two weeks, and all that will undoubtedly transpire over the next one, I thought I'd take this point by point and try to find God's fingerprint in all this mess...

Recitals: Li'l G has had two of these in the last ten days, one of which went for about two hours and ended around 8:30 P.M. on a school night. Ugh!! The one today was so, well, weird. Let me just say that the recital itself went well and was thankfully only 20 minutes long. But when we were warming up and rehearsing her "piece," her debut of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," she just mentally shut down. Couldn't even remember the song. Partly she was distracted by Bud watching "Pinky Dinky Doo" in the background, but I suspect now that she wasn't feeling very well. It really made me panic -- she was about to perform this song by herself and she couldn't remember even half of the song that she's practiced almost flawlessly since August! Somehow she pulled it off and did a really good job, but you could tell by looking at her face during the recital something just wasn't right. Then she tossed her cookies tonight after dinner. GREAT! TMI, I know, but I'm a mom so I have no qualms discussing childhood ailments. Now I feel like a total dragon mom for hounding my kid to get out there and do her best when all she probably wanted to do was lay down and croak because she had a low grade fever and wanted to sleep. Where is God in this? In the sweet little face of my beautiful baby girl. She is such a fighter and wants desperately for me to be proud of her. One more recital after Thanksgiving and then we get a month-long break, thank God!

Parish Lay Ministry Academy: I attended my last class session last weekend, and literally wanted to throw a tantrum and refuse to leave when the day was over! This two-year program has been such an amazing experience; it has literally changed my life. I can honestly say that, while I'm so incredibly grateful for this experience, it's made my life extremely difficult in many ways. First of all, there is the time when you have to complete reading assignments, papers, and projects. The kids have certainly watched their fair share of movies or played unsupervised in the backyard (gated and locked, though -- I promise!), and many family members have come through to hang out with them as I spend full-length days in class. Even though these have been serious sacrifices for me, the real difficulties have been internal. While I have had to read some borderline-heretical material, God gave me a clear understanding of what was false teaching and what wasn't and why that was so. I have had to excavate some serious familial demons, assess my own spiritual understandings, and measure that up against society's yardstick. The real problem I'm having is that I have come to some stark, clear understandings about myself and how I believe based on things I have learned. In and of itself, this is not the problem; rather, the problem is how to interact in the world, quite honestly. There are certain perspectives out there, popular and seemingly Biblically based, that I just cannot endorse anymore. Combine my strong conviction with my personality and that should pretty much explain my conundrum in a nutshell. I've also come to the conclusion that I need to pursue seminary. Every possible avenue I've looked into has turned into a dead-end so far, so I'm taking at least the first half of next year to digest what I've learned, get back into shape, volunteer at Li'l G's school, and see what unfolds. I want to savor this time of my children being young and still wanting to be around me. I just have this nagging feeling that my days are numbered the way they stand right now, and I want to enjoy each of those days and cherish them. Where is God in all this? Oh man, he's ALL up in my grill. I feel like Martin Luther walking through that field dodging lightning bolts. The problem is, I'm still unclear on where any of this is leading. So I'm putting the ball back in God's court. And waiting. Again...

Church stuff: Good.grief. You can't even BEGIN to know how much stress this has brought to my life over the last couple of months, much less the last two weeks. Some days I don't know whether to thank God that he put me in the position where I am or to curse the day I decided I needed to be involved. I can say this: I'm learning a LOT about people, both in general and specific ones. In my church in particular, I'm having such a weird experience. To my knowledge, I think I'm the first charter member child who has ended up serving on our church council, which is kinda cool, but is also very eye-opening. I have even asked my praise band cohorts, "Have things always been this way?!? If so, was I just blind to it because I was a kid and didn't notice?!?" Where is God in this big, hairy tangle? Good question! No, seriously, I know he's there. This whole season at my church is like a fire that was raging hot and engulfed with flames at one point and has now been reduced to a pile of ashes. If you poke around in the thick mound of ashes, you will still find a handful of red, glowing embers, and given the right conditions, that fire can be ignited again. Because I'm an emotional person to whom it comes more naturally to react and take things personally, I get all wound around the axle about the drama going on and even want to wash my hands of the whole thing sometimes, but I'm really learning that a handful of people respect my opinions, so I try to be clear and deliberate about what I say. I'm also learning the power of saying nothing. (I know, I know, stop the presses! haha!!) But as I have learned from Exodus 14:14, the battle does not belong to me; however, I am really trying hard to discern what role God would have me take in the next steps we take as a congregation. It's definitely a labor of love for me.

Thanksgiving/Gathering With Family: Who else's Thanksgiving gathering this week will put the "fun" back in "dysfunctional"?!? There is so much strife floating around in my family that at one point today I was actually having chest pains. Once again I was asking, "Have things always been this way?!? Or was I just too young to have noticed that the adults aren't playing nicely together?!?" R. is coming this year and will help us with some of the food prep. I always love schlepping him around with me at these kinds of things. His perspective is unbiased and fresh when it comes to assessing the social atmosphere at these gatherings, and I really appreciate his insights. To be honest with you, I'm desperate for this to be a relaxed, joyous occasion. I want the food to be scrumptious, the weather to be chilly, the home in which we're gathering to be cozy, and the laughter to be contagious. What I absolutely, down-to-my-core cannot handle is eyes rolling, back-biting conversations in hallways and corners, or just crankiness in general. With the third anniversary of T's accident and death just two days later, I am striving with all my might to reclaim Thanksgiving as the happy, comforting gathering that it was when I was a kid, both for my children and for my own sanity. Family drama needs to take a vacation, for crying out loud. Where, oh where is God in this picture? Going straight up my spine and into my heart, keeping me upright with a smile on my face to get me through this holiday. I'm counting on it 200%.

Advent/Christmas: It's been hard for me to have the emotional energy left for this holiday over the last couple of years, and for longer than that I've been so righteously pissed at what our society has made of this holiday. However, this year I have decided to take this holiday captive, too. I'm going as overboard as I can possibly go and still have a dollar left to my name. I'm trying to participate in as many opportunities to provide gifts or support as I can. I am trying to make the house festive and exciting for the kids. I'm trying to wrap my heart around the miracle of Jesus' birth, who He truly is, and how to apply this in my life. I want the kids to have a magical, memorable holiday, while also seeing that not everyone has warm, soft PJs and toys. I want them to be able to connect the soft, sweet baby in the manger to the grown man on the cross at some point. Advent is a season of preparation, sometimes somber anticipation, but always a time of remembrance that God is faithful and fulfills his promises, including his promise to send the Messiah because of his love for us, even when we don't always love him back.

To be honest with you, I haven't been very cheerful lately, which is why I chose the opening verse. And in catching up on some of my blogs, I can tell I'm not the only one. It's a hard time of year for more people than we realize. Case in point, my cousin's sister was just taken off life support recently and died. She had sustained a Christopher Reeve-type injury earlier in the year. It caught us all by surprise. Then a woman in the local community died from a stroke quite suddenly. She had taught music and been involved in a jillion things for over 60 years, and even played piano at my church when I was growing up. Last but not least, Li'l G reported to me on Friday that one of her friends' father was sent to jail last week. This little boy is just adorable but can be a behavior problem. I've written about him before; for some reason, he just touches my heart. Now he gets to go through the holidays with this burden. At the age of five. My heart just aches for all of these families for whom Thanksgiving will feel like a hollow experience -- been there, done that. Yet I know that "there are still good times to be had," just as Shelby told Miss Clairie in "Steel Magnolias." If we really look, get down on our hands and knees sometimes and scrutinize, we can see God at work in all these situations. When I can identify that, it makes it easier for me to find hope, to see even one positive thing, and that uplifts my heart more than kind words or inspiring songs. That, indeed, is good medicine.

My Heroes

"Blessed by the LORD my Rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle -- my lovingkindness and my fortress, my high tower and my deliverer, my shield and the One in whom I take refuge..." -- Psalm 144:1-2a

This is by no means a complete grouping of the men and women serving our country who have touched my life. Two in particular I can think of but couldn't find pictures of are CPT Julie and CPT M. Stubenhofer. CPT Julie is a sweet friend of mine who is a nurse in the Army, and CPT Stubenhofer was the first person I knew personally who died in action. His wife is an amazing woman that I am proud to call my friend. One more is my father-in-law, R.T., who served twice during Vietnam.

To all of you serving now or who have served in the past, you will never know just how much what you're doing means to not just your own country, but to the rest of the world. Your selfless service and sacrifices are truly humbling. To your families, we stand with you, the ones who serve on the homefront.

My Heroes

Thank you all for being my heroes. Happy Veteran's Day.

Samplings From My Mental Smorgasbord

I have had six or seven different blogs percolating in my mind over the last week or two and have yet to blog about any of them. In fact, I should be loading my sleeping toddler into the car right now this minute to go pick up my daughter from school, but if I don't jot down a couple of ideas before I leave, I'm afraid I may never find them again! Rather than taking the time to blog about each item in full length, I'll give you all the Bottom Line Up Front (BLUF) about each topic over which I've been mulling:

Politics: Christine over at Red Lipstick Diaries has been waiting anxiously for me to post something meaty post-election. And while I have strong opinions and could do just that, I have kept true to my word and not blogged about something for which I had no edifying language to publish. Now that the dust has settled and the Obamas have had their first meeting with the Bushes, here's what I have to say:

Just as Christine herself said on Facebook, it's time to be the united states and time to cease being either the red or blue states. An administration can only be successful if every single person is doing their part. So we deal with the next four years shoulder to shoulder with every other American, regardless of their voting preference. If we want to be perceived as a strong, vital nation, we have to actually be one. That will be harder for some (read: me) than others, but I truly believe that's what has to happen.

Religion: See posted picture above. Really, my religion and politics opinions could all go in one big section. In both areas, it's impractical to be a purist in whichever school of thought you fall under. Contrary to popular belief, extremism is a frightening concept to me. I think there are ways in both these areas to focus on the things that we have in common and emphasize on those, rather than spend our time having conversations where no one is truly being heard. There are certain areas where people are going to disagree, and it doesn't necessarily mean that either side is not truly Christian. Just means they're different. For example, what I'm reading right now for Lay Ministry about leading worship really brings this into light for planning worship services. I'd love to explain all of the amazing things I'm learning, but I'm afraid there would be an explosion of grey matter all over the computer screen. Just too much to boil it all down.

Role of Women in the Church: I'm writing a paper about this and must admit I approached this topic with an anti-Paul sway based on what I, at the time, believed to be godly teaching. I think, if I could boil this one down to a statement, is that Jesus personally commanded each one of us to love one another. I believe that where we started having "issues" or "problems" is where our sinful human element took over and started trying to figure things out or get things organized. Do we as humans need structure and organization? Basically, yes. Do groups get priority in the pecking order? Eventually. Did God intend this? Well, dear Readers, I believe my answer to that is now no. (Ducks for cover before the tomatoes pop me upside the head...) Honestly, I really don't know that we can say for sure. I can already hear arguments on both sides and see validity to them both. I don't see this question ever being answered to anyone's satisfaction this side of Paradise, guys.

Obama's Pre-Presidential Activities: Barack and Michelle met with George and Laura this morning at Quarters 1 to kinda "get the inside scoop." Apparently the women went off to do things like talk about how irritating it is when the guys drink beer, scratch themselves, fart, and watch football or something, whilst the menfolk had a history-making hoedown in the Oval Office. Seriously, folks, do you KNOW how many eggs I would've sold to have been a fly on THAT wall! No media were allowed to follow into the OO, and no aides were on hand, either. The words that were exchanged in that room are known only to them and to God. I can't even know whether to faint from terror or to faint from excitement.

One last point before I leave the topic of politics but under the "Obama" tag. I read an AP story and heard repeated on the news that the "Obama team" is reviewing the record of Bush's executive orders. According to the AP, one of the first things our President-Elect wants to do is reverse every one of Bush's EOs to try and undo all of the legislative marks GW has left on America. All I can say is: America, hold onto yer butts. It's gonna be an interesting ride...

Parenting: Having some significant issues these days with Bud. Not end-of-the-world, kicking-him-out-of-school issues, but ones that I just don't know how to handle. I feel completely inept to handle this, and I realize that parenting is mainly learn as you go kind of stuff and trusting God to give you guidance along the way. The BLUF here is that I see in Bud many of my characteristics. Many of my not-s0-good characteristics. I know which road they led me down at one point, and it grieves my spirit to think of that being in his future. I'm fervently praying that God will help his teachers and me to flip a switch in that little round head of his before he grows up to be an out of control teenager in a mean, viscious world. Or at least let me be dead before he ruins his life. (Just a joke, guys.) :)

Grief/Loss/That Whole Drama: Things have really been piling up here. I think, in particular, needing T. around to help me parent a son has been weighing heavily on me. To make it worse, I have had dreams so vivid I can still feel the softness of his lips or hear his mellow voice as I wake in the morning, and my reality comes crashing back down on me like an Acme anvil. With R. being there for me emotionally but not around physically to spend time with me or just take care of me, let me curl up in the crook of his strong shoulder and just weep, I have felt as though I would burst. 11/30 is just under three weeks away, and I'm already dreading it. Funny, it affects me differently every year. While the happiness and love in my relationship with R. is proof-positive that things in my life are moving on in a promising direction, the struggles of being a single parent, and how I became a single parent, really rain on that parade. I've read and re-read scripture about this, and it's not that I don't take comfort in that. It's just that scripture and God don't replace my loss. Plain and simple. Some days I just need to be sad without religion and salvation getting mixed in. While memories bring joy somedays, they feel like Chinese water torture on other days. November's just a hard month.

Looking for something positive? Well, that depends on your description of that. I've been accused of being a chronically negative person. OK. What's yer point?!? No really, I just have a very different way of seeing things. I see beauty in suffering, growth in change and painful times, and realize I must give my children up each day to God. I can't swing from the rafters with a smile on my face like some people. My way of being positive is to continue walking in the soupy fog, knowing that God will always provide a path for me to go down. And that's really enough for me.

R.I.P. U.S.A.

I could just spontaneously combust. Can't even know where we'll go from here. But hey! We made history didn't we...

I promise: no political blogging until I have something nice to say about Osama, I mean, Obama. So it may be a while...

Tim Russert, Where Have You Gone???

American politics and elections just aren't the same anymore without Tim Russert and his famous dry erase board. Rarely ever have I seen someone so excited about democracy in action. Regardless of who won or lost, Tim always had a way of electrifying the watching, waiting nation.

On this election eve, as I channel surf between the various networks awaiting word for preliminary results, I can hardly pay attention to the evening routine around the house. Even though I know that this election is almost at an end, I'm terribly apprehensive. Who will lead us for the next four years? Will our Democratic Congress actually get anything of real value done in this country, or will it act like a group of unruly toddlers, making us all wish they'd find a sippy cup to shut them up? How will this next president handle the lives of our soldiers? Will they be put at risk as a result of this election? Will Osama Bin Laden be rejoicing that America made a foolish decision and is lifting her proverbial skirt and flashing her immaturity to the world? Or will he feel like he's hitting a wall of resolute, unyielding steel because we have chosen a strong, aggressive president who will restore honor to the Colors once again?

I hate this feeling of malaise and flippance in my heart tonight. I voted early, so I know I took part of the process. But when I see so many people, good people, intelligent people, people I love and respect, feeling so strongly about someone that I do not support, it makes me wonder either what am I missing or what are they missing. I think about how Gore would've handled 9/11 had he won the electoral vote, and I have to force myself not to vomit and wretch at the thought. Anyone who even jokes about having invented the Internet ought to be on medication to keep the arterial flow going, not running for political office, but hey -- that's just me.

No matter who wins, I'm for one glad that this four year-long ordeal is over. I'm tired of hearing the names, watching debates, hearing people warp the truth and bend it to meet their agendas. I'm even tired of hearing people do that to Scripture, and even more so when it comes to politics. I would love to give a hard slap to people in the media who no longer report news but personal opinion. And I'm sorry if lots of you like to watch, "The View," but I'm ready to not have to hear about those nagging harpies pouncing like greasy vultures on the carcass of some unsuspecting guest who has been invited to be interviewed, not dissected. And Oprah can take a hike while we're at it, too! I've simply grown weary of being told what to think and why to think it by people whose income tax return is larger than the amount of money I take in all year. And when they violate the trust of the public they claim to serve, well, in my opinion they've reached an all-time low. Was state-run media in Communist Russia any different? Not really -- just on the other end of the spectrum.

OK. Am I negative tonight? Yes. Am I tired of things being the way they are in America? Yes. Am I hoping for a miracle in this election? Yes. Am I praying that the Holy Spirit will work on the hearts of all people in our country? Yes. Am I praying that God will soften my heart to have a shred of respect for whomever will lead this country next? HECK yes. Am I praying that God will be the One at the helm of this nation, to guide and protect all its leaders and citizens? Absolutely. At least if Tim Russert were here, maybe some of his enthusiasm would rub off on me.

"UBI LIBERTAS IBI PATRIA" ("Where liberty dwells, there is my country.") -- Benjamin Franklin

Get Out There And...

Doesn't matter how you vote -- just get out there and DO IT! As the saying goes, if you don't participate, you lose the right to bloviate. Translated: if you don't vote, you lose the right to complain!

All kidding aside, I think, despite what some Lib friends of mine say, that this race will be the closest one yet. I think I have a good idea of who will win, and it honestly makes me highly concerned for the future of our soldiers and our economy. I don't trust this individual or the running mate chosen, and I can only imagine what our country will look like a year from now if this person wins. On the other hand, I'm not particularly convinced that the team running on the other side of the ticket are the individuals for the job either. Until we, the Voters, take back our country and demand real leadership, as I've said time and again, we get the candidates we deserve. I just pray that God will have a hand in all this today and in the outcome of our democratic exercise. We shall see...

"May the nations be glad and sing for joy, for you rule the peoples justly and guide the nations of the earth." --Psalm 67:4

Even so, LORD, guide our nation.