I'm Frustrated (Surprise)

I'm frustrated. Feeling out of whack, out of control, and I don't know what else. And I don't like it. I don't feel a rant coming on. I just don't know what I feel. Did I mention that I don't like this one bit?

There is a group of women with whom I am involved and to whom I feel somewhat responsible. My area of responsibility is music, which should come as no surprise. Many of you know that one of the joys of my life is to be involved with worship, be it at a church, PWOC, or in any venue where God places me to utilize this gift to reach people. It's a gift that I take seriously (perhaps too seriously?), and I will never just get up and "wing it" because I feel that is irresponsible behavior. To me, this is a first fruits issue. If I truly believe that God has blessed me with the gift of being able to play a musical instrument and lead worship, then I should also not be offering God and others sloppy seconds, just whatever I could throw together at the last minute. I want my offering to rise up as fragrant incense; I mean, is that so bad?

Yes and no.

Yes -- when it becomes a matter of perfection and performance. When it becomes about what my goals and dreams are. When it becomes songs that I just want to hear or like to play. When the focus is not on how God will reach out and touch hearts based on their interaction with the worship.

No -- when worship is presented for the right reasons. When things workout how they are supposed to, regardless of time, talent, or other possible limitations. When I can take myself out of the picture and see worship for what it really is: a sacrifice of praise, a holy offering, personal and corporate time spent further developing a relationship with the Almighty.

So why am I frustrated? Honestly today it has only a little to do with the music. What hurts my heart is that I see an opportunity to serve sisters in Christ that could be such a blessing -- it already is to those of us who attend, but it has so much potential to reach and bless so many more -- and obstacles coming up every time we turn around. There are days when I feel positive and optimistic about where things are going, and other days when I think, "Why do we bother? Why should I bother?"

Anybody who has attended a class, church service, etc., that takes place on a piece of property that is being loaned out or first-come-first-served or so on knows that you always need a contingency plan, and we seem to roll with punches pretty well when things like this come our way. What frustrates me is, I suppose, a matter of circumstances: we have had to push off our spring semester kickoff for the last two weeks, one due to illness and many members not being able to come, and the other due to local school district closures due to inclement weather. These are all things over which we have no control. Now, for the third week, we are looking at another important and unavoidable obstacle that we might be able to overcome, but it just doesn't feel right to me. Not the overcoming part, but how we are having to go about being flexible and carry on with Plan B. I am not a leader or decision maker, but of course, me and my big mouth, I offered a suggestion which was not appropriate to what the needs are perceived to be next week. Personally, not a big deal. I'm more concerned with which study I will take, actually a source of confusion for me as I discern which one God wants me in, not the one that sounds like more fun. I digress...

So what's the real issue here? I don't know. I want to be self-indulgent and throw a fit and holler, "No!" when things don't go my way. I'm so befuddled I don't even know where to start in Scripture to address why my heart is so heavy for this ministry and even my own personal needs; I simply know that's where I will find balm for this wound.

Here's how the worship piece fits into this picture, however: the worship that has been part of our program seems to have been a real blessing to the ladies, from all the feedback I have heard. And it is so amazing to watch everyone at their various points of interaction and worship as we play. So I know we've been on the right track. As I sat down weeks ago to begin looking at the worship to be programmed, I poured over music, playing for hours and really soaking in the words, the tempo, all of the various ways I work through this process. I gathered together songs that really seemed to meet the needs of a group of women whose ages, life experiences, and preferences are quite varied and let them set and simmer for a while. In fact, I walked away for a week or so. As I sat back down with these songs, I really began to sense where they were leading. And the last song in particular was a real shocker for me. I felt a distinct urging that people needed to hear this one, and I needed to offer Jesus to people specifically through this song. This is not something that is comfortable or natural for me to do in public, but it seemed so timely. It was a call to come -- to Christ, to minister to each other, to grow in the Word, to fellowship.

This womens' ministry has so much potential to reach and nurture so many people. There are some amazing women of God who are already involved and have been such a blessing to get to know. The people I hear scoff this group or who come a time or two (and this does not apply to everyone, obviously) usually blow it off as irrelvant to them, they'd rather be involved in something with ladies their own age, etc. It's like they don't see Jesus standing there, hand open and extended, waiting for them to simply walk with him. What they see is people who don't look like them, who are not at the same stage of life as them, or maybe other things that I'm not even aware of and they think, "I've got better things to do." You know, we could all use one more day of quiet and solitude around the house after kids and spouses take off to embark on their days. Who doesn't have a laundry list of things they could do to occupy their time, meaningful things?

One of the reasons this is an issue so near and dear to my heart is because I know what this ministry, and the women who have yoked up alongside me from it, has meant in my life. The presence of God has never been more real in my life than the times I have been spiritually nourished by my involvement here and uplifted by the forever-friends I have made as a result. It is one of the few things in my life that I really feel motivated to put a lot of effort into outside of things that directly support my children's school or my husband's job. I really feel strong about this.

I feel so strongly about this that I know it's probably super annoying to many people. But to say no to this feels in my heart like people are saying, "Jesus, when you've got the right people gathered, with the right programs for me (or my kids or my spouse), when it jives with my schedule, I'll be there."

That being said, let's look at what's more likely the reality of the situation.

You've got to have relevance if you want to keep people involved in an organization. You do have to be able to meet their needs, or at least be working toward it. (Which I think we are.) You do have to make things easily accessible and available, otherwise it's not just a burden on someone's schedule -- it can put undue stress on children, marriages, and so on. And there is a 100% likelihood that the Holy Spirit might be calling this person into fellowship or service elsewhere.

As a person who has been involved with worship, planning worship, serving with ministries and church leaders, and a good old fashioned congregant sitting in the pews, I can tell you the two things that grab attention: music and programs. Does the music sound good, and is there something being offered that appeals to me? Those are pretty basic needs or requirements for people. I am not in charge of the studies that are offered. The only thing I impact is the worship. All we can do as leaders of this ministry is try to meet these ladies' needs and pray that they will be moved to continue on their faith journey alongside us.

So where, then, does this leave me? And what have I solved by posting this?

Same place I started. And not a darned thing.

So I will start back at Square One. Maybe this is a huge "NOT YET" for me to grasp. Who knows. All I know is that there is a God, and I'm not him. In the meantime, enjoy this amazing, powerful song.

C.S. Lewis: Narnia? Not Quite...

Let me lay the ground work; then, we'll get to the comments about C.S. Lewis...

So I've embarked on this journey of trying to gird my brains with information this summer. Information that will hopefully be a resource as I attempt to piece together a care giving ministry at my church. When my pastor initially discussed this with me, I was surprisingly excited about the task at hand. My normal reaction would be one of, "Oh, no, not me. I'm not qualified/ordained/organized/"holy" enough..." So many times I would be tempted to back out of leading such an effort, but this time I met his gaze with some enthusiasm. It's an area of ministry that I would have never picked out to be involved with, much less coordinate or lead others' efforts. So hopefully that's a seed of God-planted affirmation.

My second reaction was, "Uh oh. I am really not qualified." I graduated from an informal, two year training of "average joes" who want to step up their involvement in their church and congregation. I am not any sort of professional counselor, pastor, etc. When my pastor left in late January, I saw a need to pick up a neglected ministry and fulfill a need. I began visiting with and taking communion to the sick and immobile people who cannot make it to church anymore, and I have received enough positive feedback to know that my efforts are appreciated. However, this should not and cannot be a pastor-centered ministry. There are too many people, both in our congregation and the world at-large, who need this type of one-on-one ministry. It's called care giving. My favorite way of putting it: ministry of presence. A ministry of presence is something that we're all qualified and called to do as believers. My job will be to gather a dedicated group of volunteers and connect them with those in need of this intentional fellowship.

So it occurs to me that the only experience I have is that of being literally plopped into people's homes and apartments, praying that God would be amongst our fellowship and keep me from doing or saying anything stupid. If I am to serve as a servant leader, I need to have some resources. Essentially, I need some tools in my belt. Out of all the books I have chosen to read, this is the one I have finished first:

"A Grief Observed," by C.S. Lewis. I had heard about this book and wanted to read it for some time but had forgotten about it. Having lost a spouse, I am able to relate on some level to those who have also gone through this type of loss, but I'm constantly trying to find a way to express thoughts, glimpses, wrestlings with God that I have experienced to those who have not had to go through this. This book gives a voice to those of us who have been down this road but can't quite put a finger on how to describe it. If you have been through the death of a spouse, please read this book. If you are married, please read this book. C.S. Lewis, like myself, had to do some serious restructuring of how he perceived death, marriage, eternal life, Heaven, God, and so forth. For us, we had to go through our grief as we navigated these murky spiritual waters. Do yourself a favor now and really take a hard look at how you answer some of these questions:

1) What is the role of death in a marriage?
2) Regardless of what my religion tells me, do I expect to be reunited with my spouse and/or loved ones?
3) Where, geographically, is Heaven?
4) What type of awareness does one have after death?
5) Do relationships continue on after death?
6) What is the point of enduring pain?

Most of the people I know who read my blog (if they haven't given up on me yet! haha!) will have a Bible verse for each of these answers. I encourage you here: put away the Bible. Step away from the reliable comfort of the Word and go into a graduate level application without your notes. Close your eyes, and picture your spouse gone. Their smell, gone. Their snoring, gone. Their companionship, gone. The heat of their body pressed against you as you sleep at night, gone. And not deployed, either. Gone. Imagine forgetting the sound of their voice. Imagine wondering if the way you remember him/her is really the way he/she was at all. All of these factors, and many more that we cannot perceive ahead of time, weigh heavily on a person's heart and affects the answers to those questions. The type of relationship you have with God prior to an event like this significantly affects how you navigate grief and loss, but the experience itself gets equal billing in the decision making process of someone left in the wake of their absent mate.

Clive Staples Lewis (yes, that's what C.S. stands for) apparently never intended to publish these four journals, now chapters, that he penned after the death of his wife. Writing being his mode of expression, he worked out his grief ponderings on paper and left us a gift therein. What you witness is a man desperately in love, desperately lost, wrestling with himself, God, and the "grief process." His words are tender, raw, scathing, sorrowful, hopeful, realistic, searching, disturbing -- he is real about what he is experiencing. You will not find theology in this book. There are no fictional allegories about Aslan, no floral writing about "glory to God" or "let it be Thy will." Instead, you will take a peek into the mind of a one who has had part of him amputated and realizes he must somehow survive.

From the first paragraph of Chapter One, Lewis hits the nail on the head: "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness... At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed." Chapter Two is not for the faint of heart. Here is where he gets to the dirty work of wrestling with God, reality, and eternity. He speaks at length about one's faith being like a rope and the level of trust we assign to our beliefs. Sure, we trust a rope to keep a box tied shut. There is no stress on its fibers. However, "suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?" (p. 23) He also muses over how our beliefs and our faith is like a delicate house of cards that, however carefully constructed, is easily demolished. He comes around in Chapter Four to a beautiful change in perspective about his house of cards, demonstrating that this type of spiritual questioning and challenging is necessary to prune our spiritual bushes in order to stimulate healthy growth.

One of the most profound observations he made was regarding death and marriage. For many of us, we see these two concepts in perhaps one of two ways:

1) We marry. We live together in marriage until one of the partners dies. When the second partner dies, the relationship continues, almost as if it had been paused in the meantime. We're reunited, walking hand in hand for eternity; or,

2) We marry. We live together in marriage until one of the partners dies, at which time we are free to search for a partner and remarry. Wash; rinse; repeat. Reunification in heaven, maybe yes, maybe no.

In other words, we see death as either a cosmic pause in our relationship, or the finite end to it. Lewis believes that "bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love. It follows marriage as normally as marriage follows courtship or as autumn follows summer. It is not a truncation of the process but one of its phases; not the interruption of the dance, but the next figure." (p. 50) I felt as if someone had taken my hands out of cuffs the minute I read that. How freeing! For me, this makes marriage possible -- I don't have to fear death as being the unknown or the end. It is part of the process, the natural cycle of life and love, put into place by Life and Love Himself. It certainly does not remove pain, as pain is part of the natural experience of living as much as happiness or love. For some reason, it helps to make sense of pain to me.

I know this post may seem a little academic, and in a way, I would feel guilty reviewing C.S. Lewis and not paying closer attention to some of his details. I think this book was a great starting point for me, both personally and "professionally." Personally, I'm always in search of connecting with others who "get it." Professionally, I'm not a professional anything, besides maybe a speculator, but this is a great tool to hand to others who have not had this experience firsthand. It is a great tool for those going through a similar circumstance. Rather than preaching to people about what the Bible says about death, no more tears in Heaven, God will be your husband, and all the other ridiculous crap people have thrown my way, however well-intentioned it was at the time, I would rather hand this book to them and encourage them to see it as a conversation with a real person, looking realistically and practically at life, death, and love through a holy lens.

Legacies

I have had a million things on my mind about which to blog: an unbelievable show I watched recently about Amish teenagers, some of the lessons I've been learning as my involvement in ministry grows and changes, personal updates, etc. All of that came to a screeching halt on the Friday before the Memorial Day holiday weekend when my grandmother suffered an acute gall bladder attack that nearly took her life and left my family completely rattled.



The circumstances of how things began are nothing short of miraculous. Any other day of the week, she would've experienced the beginning of her symptoms in a quiet, empty house as my grandfather ran his usual errands around town. (Although he is an octogenarian, his energy and drive puts many of us whippersnappers right in our place. I have definitely inherited some of his "ADD"-like behaviors, haha...) At any rate, my grandparents had company -- my uncle from California -- who was able to get her quickly to medical care. Had he not been there, all of us would hate to put together the picture of how this story could have played out. At any rate, the random timing of his short visit didn't seem so random after seeing this happen.



As I write this, we have had many ups and downs with my grandmother's physical and mental condition. The life-saving surgery she requires is too risky at this point, so the best thing for her is to rest and regain her strength; however, in the back of my mind, I'm wondering how long until we see a repeat of her extreme pain and agony if this flares up again before she is strong enough for surgery.



Something that has frightened some family members is her willingness to go Home. As far back as I can remember, my grandmother has made very clear to me that we all have important work to do "in the highways and hedges" for the Lord until we are called Home, which is where our hearts should ultimately be pointed. When we have talked of injustices and violence going on in the world, especially in regards to children who are abused or starving, she is always moved to tears, her spirit grieving for the Lord to return and bring His own unto Him. While I would love to see her make a full recovery and return to her St. Francis of Assissi-like love and care for her birds and squirrels at her home, as well as her music ministry at a local nursing home, I know that both physically and mentally she is exhausted and weary. I know that she yearns to see Jesus and add her voice to the chorus of those worshipping at the throne. I will be honored to see her through whichever journey God sees fit to send her on, be it here or there. But what moved me to tears was thinking about what she will leave behind.



"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same." This quote by Flavia has always been a profound truth for me. Especially after T. died, I could really relate. But what I think about today is the legacy my grandmother leaves behind, what each of us will leave behind. We hear a lot in today's media about presidents and their legacies, how they have shaped the nation in various ways during their time in office. In our own personal lives, we each leave behind a legacy. I've also heard the analogy that children are like glasses, and parents leave behind some kind of indelible fingerprint on the glass, while some parents crack or completely destroy this fragile material. The way we act, think, dress, virtually everything about us impacts those around us and leaves a lasting impression, hopefully a good one if we're lucky.



The legacy my grandmother has already created was so easy to see on the faces and in the hands of my family over the last week or so. There were eight to ten of us waiting to take shifts and sit with her, feed her, or console her at any time during the day or night. The sense of family connection in the ICU waiting room was virtually palpable. But consider who we have learned this from: this is a woman who has hardly sat still a day in her life to eat a complete meal. She is the most selfless serving person I have ever seen, somehow being both Mary and Martha at the same time. Even as she worked hard alongside my grandfather to care of five children of her own, she also tirelessly cared for the sick and elderly in her neighborhood, worked around the clock to care for her own ailing mother and mother-in-law. She lived through the Great Depression as the daughter of a widow and still manages to have a song in her heart and a smile on her face. She is kind and gentle to animals and children alike, and is a prayer warrior to make Mother Teresa look like a complete slacker. She wears her "Good News" pin everywhere she goes as a conversation starter so that she can tell people about Jesus when they inquire about what her pin means. She is Jesus in the flesh.



Her legacy lives on in me as well. Many people firmly believe that, unless you have a "come to Jesus" moment, then you have not really accepted Christ into your heart and made your choice for Him. (Which I have a massive theological difference with, but we'll just save that for another blog...) I was raised with Jesus. He has been a constant presence in my life, as much as my own parents and siblings. My grandmother has everything to do with that. She also frightened me to death about what Hell was going to be like, but again, that's another blog. I have never questioned: a) that Jesus loves me, b) that He is always present with me, even when I feel abandoned and alone, c) I could never stray so far away from Him that He will not always love me, d) that He is the one true Son of God, e) that He died on my behalf so that I might be forgiven of all my sins, etc. You can see where this is going. She didn't cram a bunch of scriptures down my throat and tell me I couldn't listen to pop radio in the '80s or that I had to wear long dresses and never cut my hair. She simply modeled what it means to be a Christian in a fallen world. She explained things to me, sang with me, prayed with and for me, taught me to love others and to be kind. She taught me to bring my faith in a meaningful way to others, not through pleading or judgment, but through example and service. As I embark on care giving ministry at my church, I feel like my life has come full circle, in many ways because of the tiny seed which she planted thirty-something years ago.



As I wrestle over what it's like to watch someone fighting for their life, possibly dying before my eyes, I'm realizing that growing older and aging can be a scary thing, but not the frightening experience I once envisioned. It can be a brave, graceful experience journeying slowly back to God, one that I am humbled and honored to be a part of. I only pray that He loans her to us for a little while yet -- there is so much I feel I have left to learn before she is gone.



"For God so loved the world He sent His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have eternal life." --John 3:16

Good Grief

No, this is not a post about Charlie Brown. I've been doing a little digging around today on some professional resources for care giving and contemplating some of my errands and have had a minor epiphany. Sort of, I think.

I met with the current pastor at church today. As many of you know, I completed training as a Parish Lay Minister in January and have been involved in a care giving sort of ministry to people who, for whatever reason, cannot make it to church any more. We spoke for a couple of hours about the work I've been doing, current needs, what we'd like to see this evolve into, what needs we'd like to anticipate or programs that should be developed. In short, it's too much work to pile upon a pastor, or even to share between a pastor and one or two other people who volunteer to help. What we need is a swat team of caregivers, which is basically what I've been charged to develop.

Uh, ok. Just how in the heck am I supposed to do this?!? I've barely got any experience doing this myself, much less be the one coordinating and training volunteers! So where can I turn for resources on care giving, I asked the pastor. He sent me to the Stephen Ministries website. Some of you may have heard of this incredible caregiving ministry that is offered in churches of all denominations. It is one-on-one support between the care receiver and a lay person (i.e., trained "average joe," not a pastor), and there is extensive training for those who are said ministers. I don't know all the details, but you can read up on it by hitting the link.

Anyhoo, I stumbled upon a book that I ordered that I would love to buy for every person on planet Earth to manditorily read: "Don't Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart: How to Relate to Those Who Are Suffering." It's written by the man who got this ministry started, and I can't wait to read it. It immediately made me think of Job's friends who thought so highly of themselves and of the godly words they thought they were offering, when actually they were being insufferably cruel. It's kind of funny, actually. I remember reading the book of Job some time after Tom died, and some of my Christian friends assumed that I was reading it to identify with Job being faithful to God despite his overwhelming grief. Actually, I turned to Job to know how to deal with people who thought they were bringing help into my life when, in fact, they were crushing my heart and adding to my grief. And don't get me wrong -- we see how God deals with Job, who got it right up to a point. But I am infinitely glad that there is a book in circulation that deals with this problem.

So many people earnestly and innocently believe that offering words of hope and scripture are a way to shed holy, loving light on loss. To the person on the receiving end, it's a real crap shoot as to whether or not those words will be received in the way in which they were intended. And while the person trying to offer support and comfort might feel hurt by the rejection of their sentiments, it would be soooo helpful if they could remember: it's not about them. To expect someone experiencing raw emotions and navigating the pea-soupy waters of grief to be socially acceptable, gracious, understanding, etc., of this is really asking a lot. Not everyone is able to look past it and know that you didn't mean to hurt them, or you're just trying to share your faith, or whatever your reasons might have been. The best thing to say is...

Nothing. Just be there.

At least, that has been my experience and that of many others I have known who have gone through loss of any sort. And loss doesn't necessarily mean death, but that's another post althogether...

At any rate, if you find yourself working with people, working in a church setting, etc., this book might be worth the read. I'll let you know in a month or so what I think about it.

The other thing that has got my hamsters jogging is non-traditional living. And by that I don't mean gay marriage, so just don't even go there. Let me explain...

As I was happily Googling before pilates this morning, over my cup of Hawai'ian joe, I googled something to the effect of "fathers day second dad," "fathers day dad in training," etc. What I was going for was gift or card ideas for the man in my children's lives who loves and adores them, shares in their care and discipline when we are together, etc. What I found were dozens of posts on discussion boards of women wondering how to honor these kinds of men in their lives. Some of the answers back were interesting, funny, and downright rude. What stuck out to me was this:

1) I'm not the only one going through this.

2) There's a growing need in our society to address the non-traditional sector. Like it or not, I think we're here to stay, y'all.

I know that this may not affect many of you, but once it does, it becomes stark and apparent to you in every area of your life. I have had to explain for three years now why my kids attend the Father's Day luncheon with their grandfather and hope and pray that it doesn't make them sad. My kids don't have active memory of T. -- R. is the only father figure they have known. I cringe every time we pass a little girl wearing a "Daddy's little princess" t-shirt now that Li'l G can read. What section of Hallmark do you head to in order to find a Father's Day card for a widow, or a Mother's Day card for a widower? Where exactly are the "Not-So-Merry Christmas" cards for those going through their first holiday after losing a loved one? Is it possible to find a Father's Day card for a man who has not biologically fathered children with you yet, but yet fathers your children? What kind of sentiment is passed along to a foster parent or other family member functioning like a parent? What about those of us who want to celebrate major milestones in our lives, like being cancer-free for an entire month or year, or becoming a "hyster-sister?" I don't point these things out to get to wear my martyr pin again, but these are just the things I was pondering today...

While I am certainly not the fount of creativity from which this line of alternative Hallmark will spring, but if I was smart, I'd come up with something and slap a copyright on it because non-traditional life and experiences are actually becoming pretty commonplace.

What I've walked away with is this: the amount of need in this world is overwhelming to a human, but thankfully, not so for God.

This-N-That

Whew! It's been a whirlwind week, and I've gotten so far behind on posting that the hard drive in my brain is maxed out. I will attempt to recap:


As of last week, I have officially become a minion of the PTA at Li'l G's school. Honestly, I have been skeptical of PTAs because I am not very fond of cliques and anything that reminds me of my terrible days as an adolescent. However, this group of ladies seems like hard workers who truly want to be involved at the school to help support teachers and kids. I helped set up for the Book Fair and will work for a few hours there later this week. I may have an inner librarian working somewhere in the untold folds of my personality. At any rate, I'm not able to work things in the evenings due to my family structure, and this is one of the best ways to volunteer during the daytime. That, and I'm always on the lookout for new friends. The way I see it, the more connections we can make with other people the better. You never know when you might meet that one friend who becomes a gem you treasure for a lifetime.


The main focus of the last week or so has definitely been the fundraiser and praise band concert that went down at my church last night. We've been toiling away at practices. I know everyone on the team has got to be ready for a little space away from me as I struggled to get some of my fine tuning down. But the bottomline is that this is an unusually grace-filled group of people that I'm so blessed to have in my life. The fundraiser seems to have been a success, and we all left the concert feeling like we had put forth our best effort.


I was trying to explain to someone recently what it is like to play with a group of people. It's one thing to play an instrument or sing and have to be in front of a group of people, but when you do this in the context of praise and worship, it's a whole different enchilada. What we do as a praise band is meant for the direct benefit of the congregation and as our personal sacrifices of praise to the Lord. To me, I feel like the luckiest person in the room because of my vantage point. Not only am I doing something that I love and that I feel that God has blessed me to be able to share this passion with others, but the blessing I receive when I observe others listening to the music and interacting with it, it is something so sacred that I just cannot think of another way to experience it. All I can say is "wow."


Amidst all this fracas, R. came to visit for the weekend and I got one of my papers finished. Even Li'l G had homework that miraculously got done. All this done with a sinus headache all.weekend.long.


I need a weekend to recover from my weekend.


And now for the bad news: I have made an executive decision to cut something from my calendar. **Insert sound of needle scratching across vinyl record in the distance!!** What, GGG?!? You actually took something OFF your calendar? Honey, check the news -- I think Jesus is coming again...!


Yes, I have decided to take a committment away from myself so that I don't kill myself with too many items on the personal agenda. I am still cycling and even showing up to spinning if there's bad weather, but I do not have the time necessary to be properly trained for the bike race in October. It was a hard call to make, but it was the right choice. I will still train to enter a race, but I will put it off until the spring. I've got to properly prioritize my time these days, and quite frankly, it was taking up valuable space on the front burner. I will, however, continue to post for accountability. So none of you are off the hook, either!!! Thought you were off the hook... ;)


On a more philosophical note, I'm sensing change these days. I don't know what form to expect it in, but I have this unsettled feeling that there is going to be a major shift in my life over the next few months. This could be for several reasons.


1) Having been married to the military, I'm used to moving every 24 months or so. I've been living here in my new home, essentially my new life, for 25 months. Just sheer force of habit might lead me to expect change, right? Maybe...


2) I'm entering the last of four semesters of lay ministry training. I distinctly remember thinking after T. died that I wanted to enter into some kind of ministry, counseling, pastoring, worship leader/music ministry, etc. My pastor-at-the-time and friend advised me of this program offered through my denomination that might be interesting and even serve as part of the discerning process for me to consider what my calling might be or what the next steps of my new life would look like. Now, as I am nearing the end of this incubation period, I think I'm somewhat closer to figuring that out but still have no clear answers. Perhaps it's anxiety related to feeling like I've reached the end of one path and wondering where the beginning lies to the next one.


I know for sure that I will sorely miss the fellowship I experience at these meetings. The other PLM candidates are such interesting people who truly desire to take a further step in their involvement in the life of the church and those they are serving/will serve. Having almost 25-30 likeminded individuals gathered in one place just makes me giddy with excitement and energy to take the world by storm. The professors are such interesting folks and are all so anointed and yet so different from one another that I feel like I could just hang on their every word. Obviously I enjoy these sessions and will miss them so much. I have no idea who or what God will bring along to fill this void in my life.


3) I'm eccentric, hormonal, compulsive and turning 32 next month. Can anyone say mid-life crisis?!? However true of the first part, I can't really say I think it's a mid-life crisis. And I'm actually quite fond of being in my thirties. I think it is when human beings hit their prime. I definitely feel like this is the prime of my life and want to capitalize that in every possible way, hence all the fitness craze and the continuing education stuff. But is that the source of this "hunch?"


4) Maybe my relationship is moving into a new phase. I can't really say that much has changed, and even if it had, I'm under strict orders not to mention "him" on the blog. This is request is painfully hard for me to honor. While I don't have any problem with keeping a private life private, I also know that there are other people out there in my shoes who are aching inside, wondering what has happened to them, if things will ever change, who they are, who they want to be with, etc. I feel called to share my life's experiences, and dating after the death of a spouse is an area of our society left largely unexplored. Most people think it's too taboo to discuss. Then again, most people associate the word "widow" with people who look like Sophia Petrillo. While I probably act like her, I can assure you that is the only thing we have in common.


At any rate, perhaps there is change in our future. Will this change be a step toward a closer bond, toward a mature love that could lead to a lifelong committment and a chance at having another baby? I would love that. Or, will it lead to us shaking hands and saying, "I love you, but not like that?" I certainly hope not. But there is just no way of knowing, is there? Despite my feelings about wanting to reach out to this neglected group of the population, I will respect his wishes on this matter. It's the least I can do.


There are probably lots of other reasons for this hunch. The changing of the seasons, my hormones, too much sinus pressure, the anniversary of T.'s birthday this week, the desire to see change, seeing my family transition from a house ruled by the needs of toddlers to those of kids old enough to unbuckle their booster seats. My God, El Roi, God Who Sees, knows what's in my heart. He hears my silent cries of, "What now?", "Why not?", "Why me?", "Why not me?", and many others that only the Holy Spirit can utter on my behalf. And let the record show, I know this all has to be chalked up to trusting God to meet my needs and leaving it in God's hands.

And on top of all this madness, S4J goes off and posts about certain trust and gets us all convicted and stuff. Pft. How rood.

So there you have it, dear readers. What happens next in the never-ending drama/saga that is the life and times of GGG & Co.??? Tune in tomorrow for the next installement of, "The Days of Surviving Wives!"

I Heart David Sedaris and Other Random Observations

I've been blogging a little here and a little there in my mind but can't seem to carve out the time to sit still at the computer. I've got a jillion things I want to mull over "out loud" but want to chose my postings carefully, as I don't want to steamroll right over my 100th blog. As a result, you can all sample a bit from the buffet of my mental smorgasboard:

First of all, if you have not done yourself the favor of reading ANY book by David Sedaris, you need to send yourself to time-out post-haste. Once you've thought long and hard about what you've done, then you need to get your hands on a copy thereof. If you are even remotely entertained by anything I write, appreciate dysfunctional families, enjoy well-placed sarcasm, and like to laugh, I promise that you won't be disappointed. I recommend reading this one first since it really focuses on his family and his experiences growing up. I knew absolutely nothing about Sedaris before picking up any of his books and have really enjoyed learning about his background, quirks, and observations without bias from anyone but a book-loving friend of mine who has the discernment to make you drool with anticipation for a book without spoiling the plot or the surprises along the way. (Well-done, JO!) Sedaris writes essays, commentaries really, so if you have a short attention span, you can read one in fifteen minutes and walk away, as they are stand-alone entries; however, they do have a central theme within the book. As snarky and hilarious as this book was, and the next one as well, there is a twinge of bittersweet reflection that really grounds his words in reality. He can have you swerving in traffic because you're laughing so hard (obviously listening to the audiobook, not reading and driving because that would be wrong... uh oh...!!), and in the next breath deliver a lump to your throat that makes you think, "Wow." Some of my favorite stories involve his brother, who sounds like a real piece of work.

Bottom line: great read. I read this on the plane to Seattle and was guffawing out loud on the plane. It was the first thing I picked up in my effort to lighten up and learn to be more relaxed and groovy. I began and finished it in two plane rides.

I listened to this on audiobook, and what began as a long foray through the boring coastal Texas flatlands turned into a comedic/literary treat. The kids were watching a movie in the car with headphones on, so I got to enjoy this out loud. What I love most about Sedaris' audiobooks is that he reads them himself. A real bonus in my book -- not only do you "read" the authors words, but you also get to hear them the way he is wanting you to hear them, complete with emphasis and voices for all the characters. Some of the essays are even read in front of a live audience, which rocks. This particular collection focuses on his experiences living in France as an "ex-pat" and attempting to learn the French language. "Pickapocketoni" and the one where the students learning French are trying to explain, in broken French, to a Muslim what Easter is, are hysterical. Anything involving his dad is sheer madness and hilarity as well. The essay involving his sister, Amy, and her penchant for role play is hilarious as well.

Bottom line: I'm hooked on his writing but will choose to enjoy them as audiobooks.

All I can say is, Dang. Awesome book. I couldn't begin to give this book a proper review because there are so many reactions and emotions swirling through my heart toward this book. A pastor friend of mine recommended this author to me, and I know she has written some religious and non-fiction. This is the first book of hers that I have read, and in an effort to lighten up, I'm going to stick to her fiction for now.

Sue Monk Kidd has a way for crafting language quite unlike anyone I've ever heard, except perhaps Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings. Kidd has now officially entered my "comfort food" category of writers, which includes the likes of Rawlings, Fannie Flagg, and Ann B. Ross. Flagg and Ross are more on the end of southern (humorous) fiction writers (Flagg has written lots of great books, such as "Fried Green Tomatoes At The Whistle Stop Cafe," and Ross has written the "Miss Julia" series). However, I classify them as my "comfort food" category because they make me feel like I'm curled up on a hot summer afternoon at my grandparents' house, either on the chenille bedspread in the guestroom or on an old quilt on the living room floor, breathing in the smells of home cooking and musty old cotton from the gin, exhausted from a long day of working in the garden or fishing in the tank. These writers make me yearn for simpler times, rural settings, a slower, more thoughtful lifestyle, and a life that is straightforward and comforting. Most times the characters are anything but simple, the times almost always difficult and trying, but there is an implied simplicity that sweeps me out of my reality and into the pages of the book. I mourn upon finishing a book like this, missing the characters, wanting to be a fly on the wall in their old-fashioned kitchens and screened-in porches, having instead to deal with my modern life and issues. Now that's a good book.

This book has characters that draw you in and get under your skin. I'll be honest, it took me a good four chapters to give a rip, mainly because I was reading some other things and in transit at the beginning of this book. Once I had a piece of time to devote to it, Kidd had her hooks in me, weaving a web of carefully chosen words around my head that made me want to neglect my kids just so I could finish this book, as much as I wanted to stay in it forever. If you have ever had a tragedy in your life that left behind a lot of unanswered questions, especially when it comes to the identity of the one lost, or if you have yearned for the love of a parent, it will touch you. Such a great read.

more cat pictures

This is going to be me in about a week. For some INSANE reason, I have decided that I need to do a garage sale next weekend, and I have a looooong way to go. Did I mention this garage sale will fall the Saturday BEFORE SCHOOL STARTS?!? Not only that, but on the second day of school, I'm taking my show on the road, along with JO I'm hoping, and accompanying our pastor and youth minister to a local private university to get the word out about our church and to offer some "unplugged" style of worship and food for the students on campus. I've got to pick two hours-worth of music (I'm not a big fan of the repeat, unless it's a rockin' song) and develop that. To top it off with a rum-soaked marischino cherry, the praise band at church is working up a 10-song set, a.k.a. "The Jesus Project," by Rich Mullins, for a free concert to follow a fundraising BBQ at our church on 7 September. I won't even kvetch on the PLMA stuff I haven't come close to beginning to work on. I've also started waking kids up almost early enough to rehearse for a school day and biking up to the school and back. I feel like I've got the kids in kiddie boot camp and I'm the lead drill instructor.

Hopefully this has been a blog worth reading, albeit long. I'm hoping to keep up my "extracurricular" reading. I might even start a separate blog just devoted to that, but we'll see -- I'm doing well to be consistent over here. If you haven't left a comment for my 100th blog and would like to, you've got another day to do so! Remember there's a prize involved!! Go check it out!!

Today's Verse: ...The Mystery Solved!

"Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth; break forth in song, rejoice, and sing praises." --Psalm 98:4

OK, so this is technically my verse for Saturday. With that, let me introduce you to the newest member of my guitar collection:


This is called a "backpacker," and it's made by Martin & Co. It's designed for people who like to travel, especially those granola, John Denver-types who can't be within 10 feet of a campfire without a guitar in their hands but don't want to schlep their Takamine, etc., over Mt. Everest or some such adventure. This is my personal response to the highway robbery being committed by such airlines as American and the likes who are now charging $15 (and then some) to check even one bag when you travel. When the kids and I go for some quality Pookie time this summer, and when I travel with the Chicas, I need/want to have my guitar with me. Hopefully this can count as one of my carry-on items. I am actually packing my purse so that I can carry this guitar on -- how deranged is that?!?

But the way this verse ties in is clear to me. Music is not just something that I enjoy doing -- it has been a very major part of my life. I have been involved in music and performing since I was 10 years old, playing violin. I indulged myself in my first guitar (lovingly known as "Mrs. Garrison," for all you South Park devotees) after finding a "bucket list" Tom had made some time before he died where he listed, "Play guitar," as something he wanted to achieve in life. S4J and I embarked on this musical quest simultaneously, and she, too, can vouch for the healing quality of music in our lives.

Maybe it's because I'm a little bit a lot psycho, but music has been God's gift that has carried me through so many times and phases in my life. Not only has He given me the gift of being able to play musical instruments, He has also spoken to me through music. I guess you could call it a love language or some such. Two days after Tom died, the praise band from PWOC came over to the house, and we just sat on my living room floor and sang. God completely renewed and strengthened me in that fellowship for the days to come. I'll never forget barely being able to choke out the words to the chorus of, "Breathe":

"And I, I'm desperate for You,
And I, I'm lost without You."

It was the cry of my heart to my husband and to my God.

Chris Rice continues to steal words from my heart that describe my experience. The old words of the bluegrass songs and hymns that we do now at church take me back to the comfort of my grandmothers in times where life was simpler and beautiful. Feeling the vibrations of the back of the guitar on my stomach as I really rock out to an improvisational version of the Newsboy's, "It Is You," on Sunday with JO and the Chokemaster affects me in a way that could never come from a shot glass or a romantic kiss. It's music, it's emotion, it's my heart breaking forth out of my skin and sending my heart straight to the Father on the notes of a song that He put into my heart before I was born.

Today's Verse: James 4:10

'Humble yourselves before the LORD, and He will lift you up."

This is not actually the verse I had in mind for today. The one I was looking for was never located. I was looking for a verse in the New Testament (perhaps in one of the Timothys or Peters?) that had to do with serving in the way in which we have been called, following through, and being diligent, or something kinda like that. I read the verse back in the spring when I was having serious doubts as to whether or not I was going to mentally commit to finish Parish Lay Ministry Academy (as if!) and what my role really needed to be up at church. I read this verse and clearly got the message: "Keep on keepin' on!"

The whole motivation to find this verse was to have a cool, scriptural connection with something that has been a dream, or desire, since my childhood. I grew up attending an ELCA Lutheran Church in my hometown, and after having moved and lived a little, find myself back in my home parish, this time not as a child or spectator, but as an adult who might as well be a paid staff member some days! Ha ha! At any rate, I would always listen to the ancient words of scripture in our liturgy during the service, usually sung by either the Assisting Minister or by the Pastor, and wish I could be up there to do that. On Sunday, I will finally get to serve my church in this capacity, and I am so humbled and thrilled!!

Which leads me to this verse. Preparing for this service really puts you into a frame of mind. When I'm working on music-related tasks for a service, I have a totally different focus. With performing these duties, I have changed my focus on what is going into that timeframe on Sunday morning, and how preparation happens during the week. The way the church will look from behind the altar table, the smell of the freshly baked bread and the grapey wine, the distinct smell of candles and wax, the scratch of the linen alb on my skin, looking at the faces of many people I have known all my life, to include my own parents and children, knowing that I will be handing (not the kids) the chalice of communion wine and telling them some of the most important words on a Sunday morning: "The blood of Christ, shed FOR YOU," is so humbling. Our pastor is an amazing woman and mentor to me. To serve alongside her will be interesting and enlightening.

Who am I, Lord, that You should choose me to be involved in the lives of Your people? Even if all it involves is sitting in the back pew, unnoticed, and praying over each person sitting in the sanctuary, how humbling and precious to be a part of a community of believers. Cleanse my heart, my thoughts, so that my thoughts and actions might be pleasing in your sight, today, Sunday morning, and always. Amen!

***Please say a quick prayer for me that I wouldn't go and screw anything up this Sunday!!! :) Thanks!!

Today's Verse: Galatians 6:2

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." (NKJV)



'Burden' must be the word of the day for a lot of us out there in the blogosphere. Maybe it's just because several of us are floating around in the same circles, I don't know. I just feel this cry coming up from myself, from humanity, and it just overwhelms me. As I sit here writing this, I can think of no less than four marriages that are either recently divorced or embarking on divorce, two friends who are battling depression tooth and nail, four people dealing with biopsies, diagnoses, and treatments, and so many other hurts and stresses I could probably never remember them all.



I won't get into the 'whys' here. Only One knows the answer to any of those questions anyhow. What I want to say here is this: with all this hurt in the world, I think we could all use for a little less impatience, road rage, and being too insecure to "put ourselves out there." In the immortal words of John Lennon, "All you need is love."

I think of a friend in particular, S4J to be exact. She, among several others but her especially, have really ministered to me over the years. One of her many talents and spiritual gifts is that of empathy. She will literally take on your pain with you and suffer right alongside you. She might not be able to take away your pain, but she will yoke up next to you and slog through the swampy rice paddies of your problems right there with you.

What, then, is the law of Christ? I believe it is this: "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that your are My disciples, if you have love for one another." (John 13:34-35, NKJV) By being there for each other during these times, we are doing exactly what Jesus commanded us to do. Sweet -- we're killing two birds with one stone! Seriously, no one needs to feel isolated or unloved at any time, much less when they don't know how they will make it another 24 hours through whatever they're struggling with at the time. And I think, if we pay it forward, it comes back to us tenfold.

I want to take a minute to highlight a couple of ministries that I think do just exactly this: Jenster and her amazing crusade through the murky waters of being a cancer survivor just unveiled yesterday a website specifically designed for women who are simultaneously living with cancer and all that comes with it, in addition to mothering a family. Someone saw a need for support in this ever-growing demographic, and now there exists a site where women can come to saddle up next to other women for prayer and encouragement. This new site, just unveiled yesterday, is called Mothers With Cancer. Please take a minute and go visit this site, and please pass it along to help get the word out.

Another group of people that I happen to know personally is HUGSS, Helping Unite Gold Star Survivors. This group of women specifically offer support to those individuals in the greater FT Hood area who have lost a loved one who was in the military, either to wartime loss, terminal illness, accident, or any other imaginable way. Most of the people I have met through HUGSS are similar to me -- young, have kids, widowed. This group does support parents, siblings, and anyone else who has lost a soldier, however. And some of the widows are older than me. Unfortunately, many of them are younger, and guys, I'm not that old. This organization began when one of the volunteers, whose husband is actually still living, began to see close friends of hers widowed and falling through the cracks. She was completely unwilling to allow this to happen. Long story short, HUGSS now has their own building ON POST at FT Hood, we have our own Gold Star parking at the commissaries (grocery store) and PXs, and many other kindness thanks to their activism. Please go visit them here.

(And BTW, if you're wondering what all this "gold star" stuff is about, you can read more about just who is a Gold Star Wife here. Basically, most of you have probably seen a service flag. The star in the center represents your service member. Once that person dies, their star changes from blue to gold, hence the term "gold star.")

Lastly, there is a cool site I have not personally used but have heard of through at least one person. It is called the HysterSisters. It specifically offers support to women going through hysterectomies and follows up with support for not just recovery, but over time. A hysterectomy is so much more than surgery. It can mean loss of feminine identity for some. For others, it can be a second chance at life. Go check 'em out...

In closing, I don't know who sings this version, but I found a great clip on YouTube, as usual, of some mission work in Cambodia, set to the tune of, "They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love." Most of us know without having to talk about it just how mission work, both at home and abroad, falls into this category. So I'll leave you with this...

Heavenly Angels In Need

As I sit here screaming at Sam to quit stealing food out of the kitchen (read: candy), and praying not to be swept away by tornadoes today (it's a typical spring day in Central Texas), I am catching up on my blogs. I noticed that Raising Arrows has a couple of new posts, and what I saw on there was so amazing that I must put a special link on my blog today.

Long, painful story made short, this woman lost her 7 month old daughter several months ago (less than a year, but I forget how long ago). She has beautifully chronicled what is churning in her heart about her sweet Emmy, as well as how her hubby and Emmy's siblings are progressing through the days and months since losing Emmy. It's a hard blog for me to read, but she is such a strong, beautiful woman that she blesses me every time I hit her page. Anyhoo, the cool thing I found today was the memory box she received from an organization called Heavenly Angels In Need. Please take a minute to check out this non-profit organization. If you are looking for a worthwhile place to consider for making a charitable donation, if you have baby items you can donate, or even if you want to contribute your wedding gown to make burial clothes for infants, please keep these people in mind. They provide all sorts of help and materials to families grieving the loss of infants at no charge.

Webgem of the Week: "Tears of the Saints"

Let me just say, I heart Leeland. What an amazing CC band! (read: contemporary Christian) They have such a fresh, musically innovative way of spreading the Gospel message of love and forgiveness. This is one of my favorite songs of theirs, beat out by, "Carried to the Table," a song in reference to Mephibosheth, son of Jonathan and grandson of Saul, who is brought into a place of honor in King David's household, but that is a WHOLE other blog! (And quite possibly my devotion at Chicas '08, but I digress...)

Anyhoo, I hope this will bless everyone who watches the video and stirs up in us a few things:

1) The desire to serve the homeless in our country; and,

2) The desire to minister to the spiritually homeless in our own neighborhoods, churches, and families.

When you listen to the song, you immediately have images in your mind quite similar to what you see in the video; however, I think there's a whole other side to it that is even more unpleasant to the palate, and that is: how many of these "lost" and "crippled" are there walking around well-dressed, sitting next to us at church, working down the hall from us, driving nice cars and living in suburban homes? When is the last time any of us extended a truly listening ear to someone who felt alone in a crowd of friends because of something they were going through in life? I know I have felt like one of those people over the last 2 1/2 years. Just because someone is a Christian, calls themselves a Christian, or attends church regularly doesn't mean that they are not in need of someone to be the hands of Christ reaching out to them, even if their need is unspoken. When is the last time we quit focusing on being THE person who leads some "poor, lost soul" into a saving relationship with Jesus Christ, and just focused instead on being examples of love and grace, stepping back to watch God do wonderful things that might or might not involve our interference?

May we be that light of love to the world for Christ. Amen.

Introductions, Please

Welcome, one and all, to my latest venture into written therapy, the ever-popular blog. I actually have a blog on my MySpace page, but I have held back a lot from that page simply because I realize it's extremely public (not like this site isn't, really), but I find myself outgrowing the teenie-bopper-esque feeling of the layouts and the music, etc. Don't get me wrong -- music is a major part of my life, but I feel like people don't come through the pages on MySpace for anything but entertainment. I'm feeling the need, more now than ever, to pare things down, get past the clutter and the noise, and have some quality in my life. I have approached blogging as a way that I can take Jesus to the masses, and in the process have not felt as though I could focus on things on which I ponder and ruminate during my days. This seems a more appropriate venue.

What is there to know about me in a few words or sentences? Well, I'm a mom in my 30s to two toddlers, I'm a military widow, I'm a single parent in love, I have a passion for music and play guitar and violin, I am involved in various ministries in my church, and am considering some type of career or volunteerism in the field of women's ministry, Christian counseling, music ministry, etc. I lost the first love of my life over two years ago in a motorcycle accident, and every day of my life since then has been unpredicatable, beautiful, frightening, unbearable, spiritual, and scads of other adjectives that can't come to mind. My children have somehow managed to flourish in spite of the parenting I have tossed their way (a sure sign that God is sovereign and in control), and I have met the second love of my life, something that terrifies me and blesses me all at the same time. I feel like I'm daily walking through a fog, trying to figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up. Some days I feel more direction to my steps than others, which is kind of what I'm going through now. Amidst all the confusion, heartbreak, love, and laughter, I'm holding doggedly to the hem of Jesus' garment, knowing that even the dogs get scraps from their masters' table. (See Matthew 15:21-28)

I don't know and really don't care (OK, I care a smidge, hee! hee!) who will read this page and how often that will happen. All I know is that I'm needing an outlet for expression and see how beneficial this cyber-journaling can be. For now I'm hoping to post at least twice a week, but don't hold me to it! In the meantime, I'll see you all in the funny papers...