BTJ Week Five: Snip, Snip

This is one of those days where I have a lot and nothing to say. Rather than spend a lot of time and energy leading up to the questions, I think I'd rather start there and see where this leads.

"Putting It Out There" Questions for Joshua 5:

1) Have you ever met someone that you could tell was a Christian by first impression? Do you think you are easily recognizable as a Christian? Why or why not?

2) Modern Christianity tends to value "blending in" more than standing out -- agree or disagree? Why or why not?

And here's what I have to say about that!

1) The best answer I have to give here is actually about a fellow Red Group member, Angela R. She is someone who is awash in the light and love of Christ. And I specifically mean "awash". Her eyes sparkle, her skin glows, she has a hearty laugh and a soothing voice, and to be around her makes you feel like you've spent time with Jesus' cool sister. People literally flock to be around her because of how she allows God to shine forth from within her. I know she will turn 25 shades of red when she reads this because of her humble heart, which only makes my point even stronger. Regardless of the fact that I met my friend at a Bible study for women, Angela is this way 24/7 -- at church, at home, at the commissary, or like when we used to take my kids and her dog Esther for walks. I have met countless numbers of really great people, both men and women, who were Christians of varying walks and levels of maturity in the faith, but I have never seen the light of Christ beam forth so true from another human being. And while I know I can never be another Angela, or try to do or say all of the amazing things she does, she is a great example of how to be light and salt to the world. She will always be one of my role models in the faith.

2) Wow -- when I read this question, I immediately thought DISAGREE. From what I observe in American culture today, there is a slice of our country that is voraciously outspoken about Christianity, how it is to be expressed if you really love Jesus, how it should carry over into how you vote, how you should educate your children, etc. I have never seen a time in our nation's history since it's very founding when Christianity felt so up-in-your-face.

It seems to me that people these days are all about taking a stand for Jesus or something -- how can you be a Christian if you allow your children to read, 'Harry Potter'?" "Well, we chose to homeschool our children so they can receive a Christian education." "We go to XYZ church. It's non-denominational, so anyone is welcome! You really should come! We're having a GNO/Couples Night/etc...." "We should lambast and riot over removing the words 'under God' from the Pledge of Allegiance and 'In God We Trust' from our money!" "I will only vote for a Christian for whatever political office." "We only listen to the Christian channel on the radio."

Now, don't get me wrong -- I'm not saying any of those statements are patently bad. I'm just saying they are anything but trying to blend in. I just think that it borders on pride and braggish behavior when these loaded statements are tossed around in public, and in some cases and places, they have become the American right-wing status quo. How many times have you heard someone committing the offense of backing this behavior with Scripture? "Oh, Jesus said that we would be persecuted just like He was !" (ref. John 15:20 and Matthew 5:10)

Let's look at one of the word studies for this week: "circumcision"; "muwl" in Hebrew or "peritemno" in Greek.

It's defined on the Blue Letter Bible website as meaning, "circumcise, destroy, cut down, cut in pieces." When I ran the search through the NKJV Bible to see where else this word was used, I saw seven other instances of "circumcise" in the Bible, three of which specifically referred to removing or circumcising the foreskin of one's heart. POW!

I, better than some folks perhaps, can respect someone who decides, "Here I stand; I can do no other!" when it comes to the trappings of pop culture and what the Joneses are doing these days. As a wise friend Shawna said, "Prevalence does not mean permission!" However, when making a lifestyle choice because you feel convicted over it becomes your judgmental battle cry, it's hard for me to see Jesus in that. I see Jesus as an humble lamb, led blameless to the slaughter. When I read about how Joshua and the Israelites physically mutilated their bodies to restore this relationship with God, I was a little blown away by it. A) You can't tell me that didn't hurt. A lot; and B) What a powerful, tangible way to be reminded of something so intangible! To circumcise one's heart is to rip and shred its very fibers until what you have left is vulnerable, unprotected by any behavioral foreskin or verbal sheathing. As I'm sure this group of sore men could tell you, being circumcised is probably an extremely humbling experience. How does an in-your-face, I'm-a-Christian-taking-my-stand attitude exhibit a circumcised heart? Well, there's a time and a place for it, but I trust the Holy Spirit to let me know when to turn that fire hose on the crowd. Until then, I pray for strength to be like Jesus -- and my friend, Angela -- humble, slow to anger, putting others first, merciful, kind.

My Favorite Verse Of The Week: "The mann ceased on the day they ate the produce of the land, and the Israelites no longer had manna; they ate the crops of the land of Canaan that year." -- Joshua 5:12*

*I know this verse is unrelated to my blog post; however, I loved it for its symbolism of how God continued to provide for them. God may have discontinued one form of support, but support was still there, just in a different form. It spoke to me in terms of how God has provided for me and supported me through so many times and trials and how that has evolved over time.

Do I Have My Answer???

As I'm sure most of you have grown tired of hearing by now, I have been in a discernment process for over two years now on just how God is calling me towards working in his service. I've mentioned how I tend to be a jack-of-all-trades but master of none, and while I would like to narrow my professional focus to reduce this "calling ADD," I can't help but fantasize about all of the areas in which I think I have potential and skill that could be used for kingdom good.

There are certain areas that feel like a given, a reliable constant instead of a rash variable in my life. One is music ministry, and the other is to be active in the body of Christ as it pertains to serving my church. But is this supposed to be my vocation?

First and foremost, I knew that lovely November afternoon when T. was out on his first field training exercise (FTX) after returning home from Kuwait in 2002 that God had called me to become a mother. I finally felt as though my life finally made sense, and that all of the universe was in balance and groovy. However lovely and emotionally fulfilling this has been in my life (not to mention trying and stressful, but I'm trying to have a moment here), it does not pay the bills. I am fortunate to be able to stay at home with my children and not be pressured into being a single mother whose children spend all their waking hours in the arms of other caregivers. Just as T. made it possible in life for me to stay home (although I'm constantly on the go) to be here for our children, he continues to be our provider even in death.

But there is a day coming when I will have to enter the workforce, and those of you who know me even remotely know that I am one who cannot settle for anything in life, be it for a purse, a man, or a vocation. Not only must I be working at something about which I am passionate, I feel a responsibility, a calling if you will, to have my story "out there." I believe that there are people out there who are in need of someone who "gets them" in crisis situations, that isn't going to judge them, say something completely selfish or rude, and just love them through the life-changing moments they never thought they'd have to live through. I remember sitting with the ladies who met me from the organ donation agency thinking, 'I could do this -- I could help others having to make hard choices when they don't want to have to think about it because I've been there.'

So I've been working on becoming a Certified Lay Minister. It's just informal training, but it's a start, and I'm almost through with my training. I feel as if I could be approaching a fork in the road, although this one doesn't have anything yummy attached to it. It just branches out into foggy oblivion. I wish my life was as easy as an episode of "Dora The Explorer." She comes to a path and gets help from the audience to figure out which path to take. Spoiled brat!

At any rate, I've lost focus on those thoughts running in my head for a little while now. But when I was at Barnes & Nobles recently, my eyes caught the title of a book which I brought home and devoured. I won't give it away yet, as I'm still working on a review blog for it. It was as if I was reading about someone else living my life, and it awakened those thoughts of serving in the capacity of pastoral care and ministry of presence.

The Bible verse on my calendar here in the office for 9/11 was Ephesians 2:10 -- "We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." For some reason, this made me think of people whose lives were changed on 9/11, survivors of those lost in various ways on that date. That was also T.'s birthday, and so I lumped myself into this category. I reflected upon how much my life has changed, how I'm a totally different person than the insecure, irrational brat he married on 1 July 2000, and undoubtedly how those survivors' lives have all changed as well. Then I pondered the last part of this verse, how God prepared in advance for us to do good works. God knew ahead of time who all of us were and who we would become in the moments just before and just after our lives pivoted on that tragic fragment of time. He's been crafting us all along, and for some of us, that crafting includes a massive puncture wound to the heart, complete with surrounding tissue damage and necrosis. The wounds don't mean our demise, but we are no longer the same creations we were; however, we remain his workmanship. Hmmm, OK...

So I had left the calendar open to this page, leaving it there as a reminder to blog on this verse. I'm tired of there being so many hits on the "Open Toed Shoe Pledge" (in fact, I'm not even linking to it!) -- I want people to be reading something of substance when they come here -- that I thought I would blog about it. I never got around to it until today. As I kept a finger on 9/11 and read up to today's entry, this is what I found:

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." -- II Corinthians 1:4

And there you have it. I feel as though I have received a clear answer to my question. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have got to pay forward the love and support God showered me with through the presence of the others who ministered to me during my dark valley experience. The strength and clarity and serenity he gave me in those first days were unlike any other experience I've ever had, and while I know I can never be that source for anyone else, I would like to be Jesus with skin on for them, a source for them to find comfort and to hear that God loves them no matter what and is, indeed, closer to them than they could understand, even in a time such as that.

In all my searching and pondering, I swear I have never read this verse before, and it just tumbled off the page like it was spring-loaded, waiting for me to stumble upon it. I'm going to cling to this verse and continue to pray and seek and see where this leads! I just know great things are coming...

Today's Verse: Matthew 18:3-5

"And [Jesus] said: 'I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my names welcomes me.' "

I don't know about you, but I know I could take a lesson in humility and simplicity from my children on a daily basis. The things we expect our kids to do (using manners, not exploding in rage but handling our emotions maturely, etc.), the things we expect them not to do (cutting in line, selfishly putting one's own desires before that of another, making healthy choices of what they consume -- be it food, entertainment, ad nauseum...) and so on would be a daunting task for any adult. Yet, we expect them to adhere to these standards immediately. As the great sage Shawna (a friend of mine) has quipped, "To delay is to disobey." When it comes to our children, the rule is usually to do something the first time you are asked. How many times have we put off our kids with a, "In just a minute," or, "Let me get to a stopping point and then I'll..."???

Children see things so plainly, so distilled into one category or another: right or wrong, black or white, veggies or candy. They don't get caught up in nuances or hypotheticals. Partly because they can't process these complexities, but some days I don't think that's such a bad thing.

I have put off lots of important work I needed to do this summer: I still have papers to write for Lay Ministry, there are still obnoxious, ever-multiplying stacks of crapola in my office and kitchen, and I still have a cross-stitch birth record I started for Lil' G two months before she was born that is in my dresser of projects to be finished. Honestly, this list could get out of control. But I have resolved something at the beginning of this summer, and that is to cherish every moment. They are growing up under my nose, and these precious few years when our lives are so closely connected without the interruption of hormones, extra-curricular activity, and Hannah Montana are quickly slipping through my fingers. I want to see the world through the precious, innocent eyes of my children, hear their laughter at nonsense words, see the glow of summer sun on their soft skin. I want to take their example of humility and obedience and make it stick in my own heart so that I can model my expectations consistently and not be a hypocrite, someone who expects to have perfect kids while they slack off in the shadows.

These are undoubtedly the faces that will flash across my mind as my children grow up, move on, and worry over their own chilren. It just doesn't get any better than this.

Today's Verse: James 4:10

'Humble yourselves before the LORD, and He will lift you up."

This is not actually the verse I had in mind for today. The one I was looking for was never located. I was looking for a verse in the New Testament (perhaps in one of the Timothys or Peters?) that had to do with serving in the way in which we have been called, following through, and being diligent, or something kinda like that. I read the verse back in the spring when I was having serious doubts as to whether or not I was going to mentally commit to finish Parish Lay Ministry Academy (as if!) and what my role really needed to be up at church. I read this verse and clearly got the message: "Keep on keepin' on!"

The whole motivation to find this verse was to have a cool, scriptural connection with something that has been a dream, or desire, since my childhood. I grew up attending an ELCA Lutheran Church in my hometown, and after having moved and lived a little, find myself back in my home parish, this time not as a child or spectator, but as an adult who might as well be a paid staff member some days! Ha ha! At any rate, I would always listen to the ancient words of scripture in our liturgy during the service, usually sung by either the Assisting Minister or by the Pastor, and wish I could be up there to do that. On Sunday, I will finally get to serve my church in this capacity, and I am so humbled and thrilled!!

Which leads me to this verse. Preparing for this service really puts you into a frame of mind. When I'm working on music-related tasks for a service, I have a totally different focus. With performing these duties, I have changed my focus on what is going into that timeframe on Sunday morning, and how preparation happens during the week. The way the church will look from behind the altar table, the smell of the freshly baked bread and the grapey wine, the distinct smell of candles and wax, the scratch of the linen alb on my skin, looking at the faces of many people I have known all my life, to include my own parents and children, knowing that I will be handing (not the kids) the chalice of communion wine and telling them some of the most important words on a Sunday morning: "The blood of Christ, shed FOR YOU," is so humbling. Our pastor is an amazing woman and mentor to me. To serve alongside her will be interesting and enlightening.

Who am I, Lord, that You should choose me to be involved in the lives of Your people? Even if all it involves is sitting in the back pew, unnoticed, and praying over each person sitting in the sanctuary, how humbling and precious to be a part of a community of believers. Cleanse my heart, my thoughts, so that my thoughts and actions might be pleasing in your sight, today, Sunday morning, and always. Amen!

***Please say a quick prayer for me that I wouldn't go and screw anything up this Sunday!!! :) Thanks!!

Wow. All I Can Say Is "Wow."

So I went over to Shortybear's page since she left me a sweet comment. This is what I read. All I have to say is, that's what love is all about. Wow...

Lessons in Humility

It's amazing, the things we ask our kids to do, isn't it? We lay down rules and guidelines for them, expecting flawless obedience despite how they feel about it. There are good reasons for this, as any parent knows. You don't do it to be random and controlling. There is a reason why you hold hands in a parking lot, and a reason why you don't stick a fork in an electrical outlet. When asked why they must observe this seemingly pointless or constrictive rule, many times the reason given is, "Just because." Today Li'l G and I both were in this position of obedience despite discomfort. Let me set the scene:

My four-year-old daughter, Li'l G, is enrolled in violin lessons. For anyone familiar with the Suzuki technique, she is a Pre-Twinkler. She loves her teacher for the invidual lesson but is less than fond of the group setting on Saturday mornings. She is put into a group with kids from ages 4 to 10 who are above her level in skill, seeing as she is one of only two Pre-Twinklers. The group consists of about eight children. Although usually quite gregarious, Li'l G is rather shy in the group, especially when the Academy Director is teaching the group. This woman is cheerful and pleasant but firm and is clearly used to teaching at least elementary aged students. Two weeks ago, at the last group lesson, "Mrs. Smith" taught the group lesson. Li'l G refused to bow at the beginning and end of the lesson (it's a Suzuki thing), and refused to sit down as instructed when the older, more advanced students were playing a song that she hasn't yet been taught. The teacher allowed her to come sit with me (wrangling a loud and "energetic" Bud, who is two years old), and she proceeded to burst into tears and cause a real scene. That day we all had a lesson in humiliation, but that's a totally different blog.

As we practiced yesterday in preparation for today's group lesson, Li'l G and I talked about being shy, listening to teachers, following directions, etc. I explained to her in toddler-friendly terms that being shy is OK, but not following her teacher's instructions definitely was not. She was not expected to be life of the party, but she certainly was expected to follow simple directions. Let me also take a moment here to point out that Grace does not appreciate having to sit out when the group plays a song she doesn't know (and is not expected to know at this point). She is the only one being asked to sit out while the other kids play the song. Li'l G has inherited that faulty gene of pride from her uber-competetive mother that I can only pray will not get the best of her as she grows and matures. I, having played the violin for most of my life, could quite easily instruct her in how to play the song, but the former teacher in me says that there is a logical progression of skills that she must acquire before proceeding to the next song. If I interfere and teach her this song, just to ease the breaking of her heart in this situation, I will have undermined both her instructor (who was my beginning instructor many moons ago) and the integrity of the program. However, she is almost there and could learn to play it quite easily. I'm torn about what to do, but that's yet another blog.

Back to the events of the day: We get to lessons today, and happily discover that "Mrs. Smith" is not teaching this group; instead, it is the instructor we regularly have and whom Li'l G adores. One less battle to fight. We have a quit pep talk in the car about being cool with being shy, but how important it is to do what our teachers ask us to do. The lesson goes off without a hitch, when we come to the time where she has to bow out for a song. She turned back to look at me, I encouraged her to go ahead and put her instrument down, and she did it, obediently, without a grudge or a tear, and took her lumps. She walked over to me and just buried her little sweet face in my lap and sobbed. Once that song was over, she was asked to come back to the group. She composed herself and ended the lesson on a cheerful note. I was so proud of her for handling herself that way.

Now for my turn through the wringer. Later in the morning, we met some long-lost FT Polk friends, now in the FT Hood area, at Inflatable Funland. We were reuniting after having not seen each other in almost three years. Just as we're all walking up to the establishment of juvenile craziness, I'm smacked in the face with, "Temple." Explanation: My hometown is a, well, difficult place. If you are successful, you leave this place like Sodom and Gomorrah and you make a point to never come back (holidays being the exception to this unspoken rule). If you leave and return, or *gasp* you never leave at all, you are a miserable failure, doomed to be someone who couldn't have a life or was a waste of the public school system. It's a town of over 50,000 people; yet, it feels like there are only 2,000. Everyone knows you and your business. I deal with this on a small scale every day when I drop Li'l G off at school. I did not want to come back to this area for the reasons listed above. I struggle enough to process my reality without having to worry about prying eyes and judgments being passed in my general direction. There were a handful of these individuals there today, having a pleasant family gathering, but they might as well have been brandishing a billy club or a cat-o-nine-tails for all I care. These people had disdain for me in the past, and now that I'm "back" because of my "tragic situation," they feign interest in how the kids and I are doing; that is, when they speak to me at all. Trust me, there's no love lost there. Not only do I still have that ax grinding from the past, there's the snarky pity in the future, and I can live without it all. I had to pass by them all several times today, knowing that they were discussing who I was and all that. Only two of them acknowledged my existence, one of whom seems to be pretty kind. As for the others, they avoided all eye contact and interaction, reinforcing what I had seen in the past. Still, as uncomfortable as I was, I plastered a "coffee group" smile on my face, was cheerful and laid back when spoken to, and resolved to save my grumbling for the blog. I could have been rude, and I sure as heck would not have minded putting one of them in her place (I've been waiting 19 years to get one particular thing off my chest). But I decided to choke it down, be an adult about it, and get on down the road. (At least, until I could come back here and blog about it! haha!!)

Humility is a crappy lesson to have to endure. Yes, we are all the better for it in the long run, but Lord, can't you just give us our full share without making us go through the learning process?!? I guess, if He did, the end result of our refining process would not be near as meaningful.

"By humility and the fear of the LORD are riches, and honor, and life." --Proverbs 22:4