Year Six

I remember so many things about T. and our family as it was six years ago so clearly, and yet there are many memories that have faded like construction paper figures in a sunny window. I get through the year with relative ease and have even found happiness and joy in Thanksgiving once again. However, this year the days have aligned to be on the same days of the week as they were the year T. died, and for some reason that has made a difference to my heart. Today I just want to pause the day so that R. and the kids will stay at school and work a little longer just to give me time to be still and quiet in the house. You would think that six years later things are easier. In some ways maybe they are. I’m starting to think that in many ways this grief journey will be woven into the path I’m on for the rest of my life.

I remember I had just bought the new MercyMe Christmas album that year, and I was so moved by the last song, “Joseph’s Lullaby.” We naturally think so much about mothers during pregnancy and childbirth, and Mary definitely is the focus of plenty of contemplation. What I loved then and still love about this song is the tenderness I hear in the words of a father to his infant son. In this case, Joseph knows that the little man in his arms is no ordinary baby, but aren’t all children little miracles? As I was listening to this song today, I held Baby S. in my arms as I rocked her to sleep for a much-protested nap. Her little blue eyes sparkled up at me as she reached a plump hand toward my face to touch my chin. I remembered Li’l G and Bud being this age and how long ago it feels it was since they were so little. And my heart just broke anew.

In the song, Joseph tells Baby Jesus, “Go to sleep, my son…You’ve got a long road before You, just rest Your weary head… Does the Father guard Your heart for now so You can sleep tonight?” I think of Bud, just nine months old when T. slipped away into Glory. I’ve always felt such a heavy burden for him and Li’l G, but especially him. I remember his sweet, chubby cheeks, his adorable mischevious smile. So sweet and innocent, so happy and trusting. He has had such a long road before him ever since he was such a little guy. In many ways I feel like he was robbed of having a normal life when all this happened. How would Bud ever know the love and nurturing of a father? Who would love him and dote over him, guide him down the road of life and help mold him into a man? Who would know what a precious little boy he is and be able to love him through the times growing up when he will be hard to love? Bud lost more than he could know when T. died.

Something I overlooked until recently is how beautifully this song parallels my own life. As much heartbreak and longing I feel when I hear this song, there is promise and hope in it as well. Joseph walked into such an awkward situation with Mary and Jesus, and yet God knew what He was doing when He set this plan in motion. No other man but Joseph would love Jesus as his own. No other man but Joseph would look down on this little man and see his own son in Jesus. No other man but Joseph would have tenderness in his heart for a child he did not help conceive. And yet, the words to this song reflect the sentiments of a man who will raise Jesus as his own son, be there to father him and care for him without reservation or hesitation. And in the words of Joseph I hear the voice of R. singing over Bud.

Why, God? Why was all of this allowed to happen? I can’t imagine my life without any of the people in it who have been in it in the past and who are in it now as I daily greet my future. I cling to them all with a ferocity that burns in my heart and sends hot tears streaming down my cheeks. This confuses me, destroys me, encourages me, and uplifts me all at the same time. No matter how many years pass by since the last time I heard T.’s voice, I will still never quite recover from the trauma of having him ripped from our lives. The hole will always be there even though the edges are less frayed and jagged with time. I will always have bitter tears for my children’s loss and what this meant for them. But alongside it I will always be wrapped in the tender, doting love that R. brings to my life and the fullness of life I enjoy again as a result of God bringing him into my life. I will always hear the song of a loving father being sung from the heart of R. over Li’l G and Bud, a song that no one else but he could sing. And in the sparkling eyes of my Jeremiah 29:11 baby I will always see God’s promise to be El Roi, the God Who Sees, in my life -- the promise of never walking away, of never turning a deaf ear towards me, of counting each tear my heart has cried along the way and holding them in the palm of His hand.

So I will mark, during the hustle and bustle as well as the quiet still moments, the two days that changed me forever. I will cry, remember, smile, and finally emerge exhausted by the range of emotions I go through each time November 30 rolls around. I will treasure the memories I have, faded though some may be. They will be pasted into the collage of my life with the vibrant colors of my present and the not-yet-defined colors that await me in the future. And so will pass another year.

BTJ Weeks Seven & Eight: Before and After

It's been a little while since my last Backpacking Through Joshua post since we've had a break, and holy cats! Lots has been going on since that time. As easy as it could be to opt out of this next section of the study, I feel the need to use it as an opportunity to learn better time management and spend the time in the Word regardless of what other things I could be off doing.

Since I chose to consolidate these two chapters, I wanted to look at these two chapters as one continuous narrative rather than separate, stand alone stories. Paraphrased and condensed, Joshua has led the Israelites on two campaigns, one in Jericho and the other in Ai. Although by and large the campaign in Jericho was considered a success, in the eyes of the LORD there was a complete breakdown in trust and obedience on the part of the people. After taking steps to renew the covenant and restore the nation in the eyes of God, Joshua leads the next campaign against Ai. Not only does Joshua wait upon the LORD for the play-by-play interpretation of how the battle should go, he ends the experience with corporate worship and instruction, a stark 180 from the end of the Jericho campaign.

One passage in particular really strikes me in Joshua 7:6-15. Basically, Joshua's scouts at Ai have been slaughtered by the enemy as a result of sin in the Israelite camp after the fall of Jericho. Joshua is bemoaning his poor, miserable self -- LORD, you don't love me anymore! What did I ever do to you? Aaagh! I hate my life! I wish I'd never left my old house and listened to you! (stomp, stomp, stomp). (Interpretation obviously mine.) To which God says -- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Excuse me?!? Are you seriously complaining here? Let's look at your actions: you didn't follow directions, you blatantly disobeyed me, and you have the audacity to not expect consequences? You'd better step back and look at yourself a little more closely. Unless you take steps to correct this situation, you will continue to endure the consequences you earned. It's your choice. (Again, my words.)

I obviously pictured this with the drama and angst of a teenager railing against a parent that they are sure is out to get them, being completely unfair and trying to ruin their lives. And perhaps that's a bit of a stretch here, but here's how I saw myself in this Scripture:

I scratch my head and walk around shell shocked every time I think I'm doing something that surely God would want me doing, especially if it's supposed to bring glory to God, right?!? I mean, what is more humble and respectful, right? Geez, God, don't you want me to be happy or something? Haven't I suffered enough in this life?

And then God, sometimes with a clap of thunder, or sometimes through deafening silence, shows me that it doesn't matter what I thought was the right idea or course of action. What matters is what God was trying to show me through the experience or situation. If I could just let go of the steering wheel (since I'm sitting in the passenger seat to begin with) and quit making us swerve all over the road, He would get me where I need to go safe and sound and without all the drama.

I think the bottom line is this: Just because we "got it right" once before doesn't always mean we will "get it right" in the future. Let me unpack this. We may go through a significant trial in our lives, need to make a pivotal decision, or some such significant life event. Hopefully we have laid it at the feet of Jesus and left it there and waited upon the LORD for clear instruction on each step we are to take on our journey through that particular wilderness. But just because we emerge from that wilderness on the yellow brick road of trust and obedience does not necessarily mean we can expect that for the next time our path disappears into the fog or another thick forest. I don't know about you, but I am human and tend to become complacent and assume that I've got things covered because I'm a Christian and I've prayed about it. Or I simply say a quick prayer and then proceed as I wanted to in the first place. Just like Joshua got the message about how he was to wait upon the LORD and obey His exact instructions, I have to treat my journeys as if I am starting over from scratch each time. I can look to experiences of the past to encourage me along the way that trusting God is the right choice to make, but I've got to start anew each time laying the problem or issue and the feet of Jesus and touching the hem of His robe, claiming again and again and again that even the dogs are given scraps from the master's table.

And when it's all said and done, regardless of the outcome, God is worthy, worthy, worthy of adoration and praise. :)

My favorite verse from this week: "Then the LORD said to Joshua, 'Do not fear or be dismayed..." -- Joshua 8:1a (just after Joshua took steps to restore the covenant, and symbolic to me that God was letting Joshua know that they were "cool" and ready to take the next step -- together.)

BTJ Week Six: Trust and Obey

Being a former elementary school teacher, the first thing I do before any reading assignment is preview any questions I'm supposed to answer after reading a text. We taught our students to do that to help them be able to identify answers more easily in the text as they read. At any rate, it just helps me to get my thinking cap on.

But in light of the last couple of weeks I've had, my ability to focus on anything has been seriously undermined. First I was in an auto accident in which, thankfully, nobody was hurt. Two weeks later the issue is still unresolved, and as seemingly simple as it should be able to resolve, there is a whole undercurrent of nasty flowing here that started the second the lady stepped out of her car to survey the damage. Two weeks later the battle rages on with no resolution, and every time I think about the whole situation it just makes me upset all over again.

So I come home from being in the auto accident to open a piece of mail that informs us that our mortgage will be going up by a huge chunk of change monthly. After hours of phone calls and what amounts to investigative work on my end of things, we are still left with a huge bill that will probably end up being our responsibility due to the negligence and oversight of someone who was involved in the process of preparing the settlement paperwork from when we closed on our house last spring. Do we have any choice in the matter? I still don't know. Add a couple more points onto my blood pressure here, too.

Yet one more stick pulled out of the Jenga tower of my life came yesterday. Mixed in with a stack of junk mail from last month was a piece of paper with a bill in it from the Veteran's Administration asking for their overpayment from when I should have stopped receiving benefits after remarrying. To the tune of over $15,000. Yes, folks, you read that number correctly, and we are talking US dollars. Payable immediately. In one lump sum. Now I may have some hope here, but my local VA office is closed for three weeks in February (no explanation as to why), and by the time help is available I will have two weeks to either cough up the dough, find a creative solution, or have the VA attack my credit.

"Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." -- Psalm 69:1-3

And now I'm supposed to focus on Scripture and questions?!? Actually, yes.

I'll admit now: these big burdens on me are only the tip of the iceberg; just the select few I chose to share. Trust me -- there's more where that came from. When I finally sat down, albeit late, to do my reading of Joshua 6, these questions just really did not jump off the page at me. Yes, I knew I needed to put my nose in the Word, but that was about as far as I could emotionally go. What I believe God showed me through this passage might not have related directly to the questions, but I got a lot out of the reading. So I'd just like to share a few points of how Joshua 6 related to where I am right now.

1) Joshua 6:10 -- "To the people Joshua gave this command: 'You shall not shout or let your voice be heard, nor shall you utter a word, until the day I tell you to shout, Then you shall shout.' "

What I learned: Timing here was everything. It was a matter of trust. The Israelites had a very prescriptive set of directions they had to follow, and I mean to the letter. If you know me very well, you know I am a real conversationalist. That's putting it nicely. I am a talker. I love to share ideas, have conversations with people, share my insights, seek those of others, and so on. I love to connect and relate with people. Can you imagine me, for one whole minute, having to restrain my mouth until the appointed time?!? A daunting task indeed. But what I took away from it was this: Timing for me is everything, too. Ecclesiastes 3:7b tells me that there is "a time to keep silence, and a time to speak." Maybe right now I need to quit relating my tale of drama and woe, shut my mouth, and bare my heart to God and allow him to teach me through this experience. It is my time to silence my mouth and listen. God will let me know when it's time to step up and speak out; until then, I've done enough. In the case of the auto accident, this lady has been mean and nasty since Day One, and it sounds like not much has changed there. Rather than get wound up about it, I need to entrust it to God and wait for instruction. Exodus 14:14 tells me that, "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to keep still." (NRSV) The NKJV says to "hold your peace." Now, this doesn't mean that God is taking sides, or that just because I am a Christian that everything will turn out the way I think it should, but I need to take myself out of this equation for now, be humbled by it, and wait and listen. Pretty simple.

2) Joshua 6:16b-17a, 18 -- " 'Shout! For the LORD has given you the city. The city and all that is in it shall be devoted to the LORD for destruction. As for you keep away from the things devoted to destruction, so as not to covet and take any of the devoted things and make the camp of Israel an object for destruction, bringing trouble upon it.' "

Translated in my mind: OK, here are my EXACT instructions for you here. I have given you a victory in this circumstance, but there are some caveats to how you are to handle this. Do not step one toe over the line, because if you do, you will bring on your own consequences. You've been blessed and warned -- now go!

I may or may not experience what I believe would be successes or victories in any of these situations. But I do know that God's given me exact instructions on how to live my life, to desire that justice be done where everything is concerned, to be morally right and upstanding even if I'm at fault, and that to emerge from these trials knowing that I was obedient to that is the point of all this. It is really hard to trust in this situation, much less obey, but there really is no other way to handle any of this with a clear conscience and feel like right has really been done for all parties concerned.

Which leads me to the song I posted below. Don't know why, but TRUST and OBEY seemed to be two words that jumped out at me from Joshua 6. And wouldn't you know it? There's a great old hymn by the same name. I love this new version by Big Daddy Weave, but before I leave you now to enjoy the song, I want to share the lyrics to the third verse, which they did not include in their version of the song...

Not a burden we bear,
Not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay.
Not a grief or a loss,
Not a frown nor a cross,
But is blest if we trust and obey

Trust and obey,
For there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus,
But to trust and obey.

BTJ Week Five: Snip, Snip

This is one of those days where I have a lot and nothing to say. Rather than spend a lot of time and energy leading up to the questions, I think I'd rather start there and see where this leads.

"Putting It Out There" Questions for Joshua 5:

1) Have you ever met someone that you could tell was a Christian by first impression? Do you think you are easily recognizable as a Christian? Why or why not?

2) Modern Christianity tends to value "blending in" more than standing out -- agree or disagree? Why or why not?

And here's what I have to say about that!

1) The best answer I have to give here is actually about a fellow Red Group member, Angela R. She is someone who is awash in the light and love of Christ. And I specifically mean "awash". Her eyes sparkle, her skin glows, she has a hearty laugh and a soothing voice, and to be around her makes you feel like you've spent time with Jesus' cool sister. People literally flock to be around her because of how she allows God to shine forth from within her. I know she will turn 25 shades of red when she reads this because of her humble heart, which only makes my point even stronger. Regardless of the fact that I met my friend at a Bible study for women, Angela is this way 24/7 -- at church, at home, at the commissary, or like when we used to take my kids and her dog Esther for walks. I have met countless numbers of really great people, both men and women, who were Christians of varying walks and levels of maturity in the faith, but I have never seen the light of Christ beam forth so true from another human being. And while I know I can never be another Angela, or try to do or say all of the amazing things she does, she is a great example of how to be light and salt to the world. She will always be one of my role models in the faith.

2) Wow -- when I read this question, I immediately thought DISAGREE. From what I observe in American culture today, there is a slice of our country that is voraciously outspoken about Christianity, how it is to be expressed if you really love Jesus, how it should carry over into how you vote, how you should educate your children, etc. I have never seen a time in our nation's history since it's very founding when Christianity felt so up-in-your-face.

It seems to me that people these days are all about taking a stand for Jesus or something -- how can you be a Christian if you allow your children to read, 'Harry Potter'?" "Well, we chose to homeschool our children so they can receive a Christian education." "We go to XYZ church. It's non-denominational, so anyone is welcome! You really should come! We're having a GNO/Couples Night/etc...." "We should lambast and riot over removing the words 'under God' from the Pledge of Allegiance and 'In God We Trust' from our money!" "I will only vote for a Christian for whatever political office." "We only listen to the Christian channel on the radio."

Now, don't get me wrong -- I'm not saying any of those statements are patently bad. I'm just saying they are anything but trying to blend in. I just think that it borders on pride and braggish behavior when these loaded statements are tossed around in public, and in some cases and places, they have become the American right-wing status quo. How many times have you heard someone committing the offense of backing this behavior with Scripture? "Oh, Jesus said that we would be persecuted just like He was !" (ref. John 15:20 and Matthew 5:10)

Let's look at one of the word studies for this week: "circumcision"; "muwl" in Hebrew or "peritemno" in Greek.

It's defined on the Blue Letter Bible website as meaning, "circumcise, destroy, cut down, cut in pieces." When I ran the search through the NKJV Bible to see where else this word was used, I saw seven other instances of "circumcise" in the Bible, three of which specifically referred to removing or circumcising the foreskin of one's heart. POW!

I, better than some folks perhaps, can respect someone who decides, "Here I stand; I can do no other!" when it comes to the trappings of pop culture and what the Joneses are doing these days. As a wise friend Shawna said, "Prevalence does not mean permission!" However, when making a lifestyle choice because you feel convicted over it becomes your judgmental battle cry, it's hard for me to see Jesus in that. I see Jesus as an humble lamb, led blameless to the slaughter. When I read about how Joshua and the Israelites physically mutilated their bodies to restore this relationship with God, I was a little blown away by it. A) You can't tell me that didn't hurt. A lot; and B) What a powerful, tangible way to be reminded of something so intangible! To circumcise one's heart is to rip and shred its very fibers until what you have left is vulnerable, unprotected by any behavioral foreskin or verbal sheathing. As I'm sure this group of sore men could tell you, being circumcised is probably an extremely humbling experience. How does an in-your-face, I'm-a-Christian-taking-my-stand attitude exhibit a circumcised heart? Well, there's a time and a place for it, but I trust the Holy Spirit to let me know when to turn that fire hose on the crowd. Until then, I pray for strength to be like Jesus -- and my friend, Angela -- humble, slow to anger, putting others first, merciful, kind.

My Favorite Verse Of The Week: "The mann ceased on the day they ate the produce of the land, and the Israelites no longer had manna; they ate the crops of the land of Canaan that year." -- Joshua 5:12*

*I know this verse is unrelated to my blog post; however, I loved it for its symbolism of how God continued to provide for them. God may have discontinued one form of support, but support was still there, just in a different form. It spoke to me in terms of how God has provided for me and supported me through so many times and trials and how that has evolved over time.

Backpacking Through Joshua: Week Four

I find myself having time in front of the computer today because, yet again, my children are home from school due to inclement weather. Thankfully they are way past diapers, breastfeeding, and nap schedules, so they're vegging out in front of the television rotting their brains watching some lovely shows while I have laundry going, a cake baking in the oven, and time in the Word. Better enjoy it before the bambino comes along!

As much as the text is repetitive this week (for reasons that only ancient redactors will ever know), I feel like this little chapter is fraught with meaning, and the questions we've been asked to ponder and delve into have really got my cogs churning today. So let's get started!

To start off with, HisGirl is focusing on characteristics of God each week, with this week's focus being that God is unchanging. She posed the question, "Do I truly believe God is Unchanging?" At first I thought, "Well, DUH -- of course!" Then, I thought, "No, actually I don't," but now I think my final answer is "yes" but with caveats, as the military would say.

Yes: God is good. Faithful. Just. Omniscient. Omnipotent. Omnipresent. Loving. Steadfast. Eternal. And so on and so on. In my opinion, these things do not change, regardless of what is/is not going on in my life, the lives of others, or world events.

No: This is based on my knee-jerk reaction earlier, but what I understand now is that I was looking at it from the perspective of how I am interacting with God from one circumstance to another. The characteristics of God are a constant; these never change. HOWEVER! The big difference is how I am experiencing God at a certain place/time in my life. When T. died, I could truly say that God was Omnipresent and Steadfast. Was I experiencing God as being Just? No, not in that circumstance. I do not believe that God's will was that T.'s life would be cut short and that the lives of everyone around him would be ruined with grief. I do, however, believe that bad things happen in life, and they grieve God as well. I do believe it was God's will that some way, some how, there would be glory given to God throughout this tragedy and that lives would be blessed as a result.

In the section about "Concept Study," I chose to look at the word "remember" or "remembrance" and look at all the times the LORD asked someone to remember. There are 148 times that the word "remember" occurs in the KJV Biblical text, some of which are times when God is to remember a promise, covenant, or blessing, and others are times in which we are to remember. The Israelites are told to remember their dramatic exodus out of Egypt, they are told to remember the Sabbath and keep it holy, remember how the LORD led them for 40 years in the wilderness, and only about a kajillion more examples that I could keep listing but won't. For an excellent resource to use for study, go here. This is the search I ran for this word study.

Out of all the times where "remember" or "remembrance" is used, I love two examples the most:

1) Take a stroll through the Book of Psalms. Where better to read examples of individuals going through real-life trials or praises who are remembering God and how God will faithfully be there for them?!?

2) My favorite example is at the Passover meal where Jesus tells the disciples to break bread and drink wine "in remembrance of me." Why aren't churches doing communion every.single.time.they.get.the.chance??? To me, this is, aside from baptism, one of the only tangible things in the Christian religion that we can experience to connect us with the precious sacrifice of Jesus. Lutherans in particular believe that Christ is present with is "in, with, and under" the bread and the wine. True, I don't have to be having communion to know that Christ is with me, but it is such a special, sacred experience that I can't imagine not wanting to have that personal, intimate connection with Christ more often. (I am an individual who is motivated by sensory experiences, which is why I think I connect with communion in this way.)

Finally, we are "Putting It Out There":

1) How do you keep your memories of the Goodness of God alive?

2) Do you feel comfortable sharing the things God has done in/through/for/to you with your children? Your friends? Your family? Your coworkers? Why or why not?

These are actually hard to answer but I will do my best.

1) I'm ashamed to admit it, but I don't think I really, intentionally keep these memories alive. My main examples always seem to come from everything I went through surrounding the death of T., my life afterwards, and where I've come to now. That really only covers about five to six years. What about the other 30 or so years prior to that? I don't have trouble recalling these memories in times of trial; they do bring me hope and encouragement. I know blogging has been a good way to document these things, but other than that, it's a real chore to journal. It's kinda hard to take a photograph of God making your feet work so you can take baby steps, or sitting next to you during a time of woe or grief. But I can tell you that I do have photographs of some amazing friends and family who were God's way of ministering to me, and all I have to do is see their love and dedication on their faces to see God's fingerprint on the canvas of my life. "I don't know" -- can that be my answer?!?

2) Yes and no. I know this answer may surprise some, but sometimes I almost lean toward no. In my heart I want to be able to be frank with people, and I think for the most part I am. I am definitely not ashamed to explain my testimony to others and explain my religious views to others. I guess that, over the years, how I do that has changed a little, and I've gotten to be a lot more sensitive to my audience. I have never, ever been one of these street-preacher types of evangelists; in fact, people like that are extremely off-putting to me and I try to avoid them at all costs. The quote about wanting to bear spiritual fruit and not be a religious nut comes to mind. I choose not to insulate myself from what I feel is the "real world," a world of people who may or may not believe in Christ, or they may or may not be Christian even if they are religious or spiritual. I love seeing and interacting with all types and walks of people and want to appreciate the diversity of all of God's creations. That being said, they aren't changing my mind on how I feel. And when it comes to spiritual matters, or my testimony, etc., it can be a real challenge to find the words that clearly convey my perspective and personal experience in a way that 1) they can understand and relate to, and 2) not feel is condemning or judgmental language in reference to them. I strongly believe that if we are to be "light" and "salt" and be the hands and feet of Christ to the world, the majority of that calling takes us out of the Christian population and puts us in the mix with lots of types of people. I want people to come up to me and ask, "How on earth did you do it?", "How are you still standing?" "Why do you feel this way?" Then I can launch into the Real Answer in my life. I know that the Holy Spirit will put the words in my mouth that are meant for that individual to hear.

As far as my children go, it's a whole different story. They're my children, so of course they are my captive audience! I have undoubtedly made some terrible choices in my life, and I want to share that with my children at the appropriate time so that they can see me not just as Mom, but as a sinful human who is still beautiful to God since God sees who I am and what I look like in light of the cross. I also want them to hear about the times God gave me the strength to praise through pain, the times God helped me to make decisions, and all of the other amazing experiences we have had together. It is through my mother and grandmother passing along this same type of testimony that has strengthened my faith and resolve through the years, and I hope to continue that for my own children.

My Favorite Verse For Week Four: "...'When your children ask their parents in time to come, 'What do these stones mean?' then you shall let your children know, 'Israel crossed over the Jordan here on dry ground.' For the LORD your God dried up the waters of the Jordan for you until you crossed over, as the LORD your God did to the Red Sea, which he dried up for us until we crossed over, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the LORD is mighty, and so that you may fear the LORD your God forever.' " -- Joshua 4:21-24 (NRSV)

Backpacking Through Joshua: Week Three

I'm tired and my face hurts. (Pregnancy-induced cystic acne. I hate it.) My son hasn't been to school in two weeks between personal illness and snow days called by the local school district. I've had out of state company for five days this week. I'm exhausted. But I will post for Week Three if it's the last thing I do! (covers head and waits for lightning to strike)

I seriously considered just doing the reading and not posting anything for this week for all of the above reasons, and then some. But after reading Joshua 3 and the "Putting It Out There" questions, I realized, This is easy -- I got this! The only problem will be limiting this to a bazillion words or less... I'm super excited about the questions, the answers that I have to give, and better yet the glaring proof in the pudding that is the Joshua 3 text. Let's dive in.

"Putting It Out There" Questions:

1) Are there some areas in your life in which you allow God to lead more than others?

2) Tell of a time you followed God's lead into an unfamiliar territory. If you don't have particular experience, talk about why you think that may be.

Oh man... rubs hands together Mr. Miyagi-style...

1) This is a hard question to answer. I'd love to say, "I live my life in complete submission to the Gospel and to God's will for my life." Even if that were true, I'm not even sure I would know if it actually was the truth. Being such a tightly-wound, Type A personality, it's hard to allow God to lead me. I've actually struggled with this for much of my life, but more intentionally over the last six or seven years. I earnestly pray and try to allow God to lead in areas of decision making. This can be tricky in my marriage, but I also understand that I am to treat my husband as a Christian husband regardless of whether he is or not (i.e., we are not praying together over a decision, but I am definitely praying over the decision to be made and how we will come together to make it, if it's a situation that involves both of us). I am very excited and driven when it comes to music ministry. I have to slap myself with the humble stick on a regular basis to remind myself that a) this gift is not mine to own but is a blessing from God and is God's to use, and b) if it becomes about me, my interests, my "territory", things have gone way off track and I need to step back, humble myself, and refocus on Who, why, etc. Those two areas seem rather broad, but those are really the parts of my life that are the most apt to derail away from God. I am constantly trying to keep myself in check so that I don't find myself trying to take the reins away from God and act like I have a clue of how to run the show, so to speak.

2) Here's the question I've been waiting for!

First of all, Joshua 3 is one of the examples of why I love to read the Old Testament. It is fraught with symbolism and ritual and outlandishly amazing examples of God's master plan unraveling in the history of the world. This is big-deal stuff, everybody!

Paraphrase: Joshua addresses the Israelites and says, "Get ready. You are going to be stepping out of the box -- again -- but the cool thing -- again -- is that God will be standing in front of you, and you are to physically walk behind God. Don't worry about the fact that you have no idea where you are going. You've got the God GPS fully charged and functioning. All you have to do is prepare yourselves and keep your eyes open. Let's go!"

How many times in our lives have we gone into unchartered territory in our lives? How many times have we prayed, cried out, worried, fretted, prayed some more, consulted wise friends and family, prayed a little more, and then stepped a little toe in the direction we thought we were supposed to go? Was God behind this choice? Sure hope so. Sure think so. I mean, I prayed about it, right? But is this one of those situations where God says yes, no, or remains silent? Can someone please just tell me what to do?!? Or maybe your reaction is one of, "Never mind! Forget it! This is too hard/weird/uncomfortable/etc. I'm staying right.where.I.am."

Can I admit something? I just want to say that I'm jealous of the Israelites. They knew they were on a journey of extraordinary importance and that there was plenty of unchartered territory. But they had, in their belief, the physical presence of God walking directly in front of them. They were, essentially, walking in God's footsteps into the Promised Land just like I used to do as a kid. My dad and I would go on these wonderful long walks on my grandparents' farm through really tall grasses (tall for a kid who was probably only four feet tall). He would walk in front of me to make a path through the brush, grass, or thorny mesquite trees. All I had to do was put my foot on the exact same place where his had been, and I would have a perfectly clear passage through the central Texas wilderness. Joshua tells them, " 'When you see the ark of the covenant of the LORD your God being carried by the levitical priests, then you shall set out from your place. Follow it, so that you may know the way you should go, for you have not passed this way before...' Then Joshua said to the people, 'Sanctify yourselves; for tomorrow the LORD will do wonders among you.' " (Joshua 3:3-4a, 5; emphasis mine). The Israelites believed the God physically resided in the ark of the covenant, so this is a huge deal for them to have God leading the way so physically and symbolically.

Unfortunately, our lives are not quite this simple. We find ourselves in wildernesses or being forced to step out of the box, whether or not we want to. Almost like being shoved out of a door completely naked, only to realize you are on stage at Radio City Music Hall with the spotlight on you. This is soooo not where you want to be right now, but there is no door knob to turn and you have to stand there and deal with the situation in which you have found yourself.

My story is a long one, which I can relate in a later post because it really is worth telling, and no doubt many of you have heard it. In a nutshell, my unfamiliar territory came on November 29 and 30, 2005. That was the day my late husband, T., was involved in a motorcycle accident, and he died the following day. I was 29 years old. My daughter was 2 1/2, my son was 9 months old. We were given no choices. He suffered a ruptured carotid artery, the pressure in his brain soared, and he was gone. Just like that. Talk about a wilderness.

As overwhelming an experience as this was, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Everlasting God was present that day. There were no levitical priests carrying God in a box showing me how to handle myself, my grief, or anything like that. I just knew that I could collapse in the arms of the Father, and he would be there to catch me. In fact, God would take it a step further. God would carry me when I needed it, and when possible, God would prop me up on these shaky legs and encourage me to take baby steps on my own, much like we do with our kids when they learn to ride a bike without training wheels. I laid face down on a bathroom floor in LSU Medical Center in Shreveport, Louisiana, and my entire body and soul wept. I begged God to take this burden from me, not as I willed but as God willed. I begged God to take it from me because I could not bear it on my own. I somehow got up off that floor, faced the doctors calling time of death, brought my babies in to tell their dad good-bye, arranged the organ donations, and began the journey back to Fort Polk to begin the process of burying my husband and soul mate and figure out how to live a life without him. Every single day since then feels like unfamiliar territory. Then again, unfamiliar territory and existing outside of the box has begun to feel familiar to me. Regardless, I know that God has been here every step of the way, and as hard as it has been to follow, I fully appreciate and understand that there is truly no other way to handle it.

Favorite verse for Week Three: " '...Sanctify yourselves; for tomorrow the LORD will do wonders among you.' " -- Joshua 3:5

Backpacking Through Joshua: Week Two

I feel like I've waited until the eleventh hour to post this week, which is completely different from my involvement in Week One. I still have the enthusiasm to be involved, but between some traveling, kids being sick, and snow days, it has been near impossible to wipe my nose without someone needing something from me, much less sit down to really concentrate on what I've read and the questions posed for Week Two.

That being said, Week Two has been "weird" for me.

In a stunt very much unlike me, I have held off reading any other comments or postings from this week until I had time to pen my own. I get a lot out of hearing from others about how they reacted to a text, something they've experienced, or just thoughts in general about the subject matter, but this week I wanted to have my own pure, uninfluenced opinion hammered out before I engaged in any conversation.

Why is this such a big deal? Perhaps because I can see a lot of vulnerability in these questions. I spoke with a fellow student earlier about how I've been wrestling with this week's assignment and the questions because I cannot answer them in a way that isn't authentically "me" and feel good about my post. I also feel that this is a loaded area of Christian spirituality and application that has potential to cause polarity within groups of relatively like-minded people, and I have been on the receiving end of barbs tipped with points charged with scripture and emotion in regards to this area. I'm not really sure I want to open my mouth and get this started again.

But, warts and all, I am who I am. I am committed to putting things out there and wrestling with them fairly publicly, but I want any readers to know up front that these are my personal feelings and how I understand God to have been moving in my life. None of what I write here necessarily applies to others as a blanket statement, and what I think and how I understand God's instructions for me is constantly evolving over my lifetime. I am now and will always be a work in progress. If you are extremely conservative, fundamental, messianic, or some other group who has a very narrow interpretation of scripture, you might not like what you read here. Again, this is about me, coming from my perspective, and not meant to be condemning to others. If you read past here, don't say you weren't warned!

...hello... is anyone still out there?...

OK. I'm really not a monster or a spiritual freak of nature. Just know that I am the way I am. Now, let's move on!

First thing I want to say about Joshua 2 is that it was anticlimactic to me. I read this in both NKJV and NRSV and felt like there was an entire Hollywood movie that I missed. I think there was a lot of action going on that, for whatever reason, the author was not inspired by God to include. Bummer. However, what was there has really got my wheels turning.

Question: Why did the Israelite spies go to Rahab? Had they popped in for a quickie and got caught with their pants down? (Man, I crack myself up... that's really supposed to be OT humor, but I digress.) Seriously, though, why Rahab? Several resources say that she was conveniently located seeing as she lived along the wall near the gate. Has anyone ever been near a red light district or at least heard of them? Seen ladies sitting in the windows calling down to Johns? Of course she lived on the wall -- that was prime real estate for her. Location, location, location. Why Rahab and not some other madam? Why not a man, just some average guy who might help them out? Did they rush in because she sensed they were in danger, or were they already there for other reasons when things got dicey? The commentary in my NRSV Bible, The New Oxford Annotated Bible, says that it's not clear how they came to be there, but there is an innuendo or suggestion that it might've been for sexual favors. Furthermore, the Israelite camp from which they came was infamous for being where Israelite men met with Moabite women for "extracurricular activities," so we may never really know. (Interesting sidenote: they did not go on to complete the mission that Joshua sent them on but rather took Rahab's advice about hiding.) What is the point? The point is that God has in the past and continues today to do amazing things through some of the most unlikely people, and I personally believe that is "why Rahab". Does it irritate me that these men might've been there off task from their mission? Yes. Does even that keep God's will from being accomplished in the long run. No, praise the LORD. And not a one of those men (or woman) is more sinful than me, so case closed.

I love how God chose someone like Rahab to be involved in this drama. In the grand scheme of things, this was only one of many, many times there would be important battles fought, land conquered, and so on, but for some reason, she was important to have in the picture. We hear her mentioned in Hebrews 11:31, the only female mentioned by name in the litany of faithful believers listed to illustrate the point of living a faithful life, knowing that Jesus holds our reward at the finish line in heaven. She is also one of only four women listed in the lineage of Jesus in Matthew 1, which is a big deal scripturally speaking. So for some reason, we are meant to notice this woman and how God worked through her.

But still this contribution to the historical drama of Israel seems tiny; again, why is this one incident such a big deal? And clearly this woman was not a Christian. She talks about how all the Caananites hearts melted when they heard about what God's people had been able to do and begs for mercy because she knows which side is the right one to be on in this situation. She was a nonbeliever who acted in faith on what she knew about God, and it was accorded to her as righteousness in the annals of history... Hmm... interesting...

Then the questions for this week take a completely different turn because they talk about witnessing our faith through actions and living a life consistent with what we say we believe. I tried focusing on the word study for "worthy," but those of you who have heard me rant about certain words that are overused in reference to God will understand that I kinda petered out on that task. HisGirl mercifully helped me find an appropriate synonym, deserving. And as much as I prefer that word now, it's still kind of a no-brainer for me. Of course God is deserving of our love and adoration, deserving of a people who will be faithful to God's teachings, deserving of praise and thanks, and so on, ad infinitum.

Since this post is already long, I will cut right to the "Putting It Out There" Q&A:

1) Have you ever been influenced in either a positive or negative way concerning your relationship with Jesus? How does this influence your behaviour now?

2) How much responsibility do you think Christians have to live a particular way?

OK, ready or not, here I come...

1) In general, I'm going to say most of my influences have been positive. The first two people I think of are my mother and grandmother, giants in the faith in my life who are part of the reason I am who I am today and have exposed me to the love of Christ since I could probably understand my own name. There are countless others who have influenced me not by preaching or teaching, but by being examples to me of what it means to apply Christian beliefs into everyday living. These were not people who pontificated about alcohol or premarital sex. They were hard working, loving people who treated you like you were a Christian brother or sister, whether or not you really were. I think of the words, "kind," "gentle," and "compassionate" when I think about these people. There have been so many other precious friends along the way who have taught me so much about who God is and how to be open and receptive to a bona fide relationship with Christ that I know I would still be in the depths of despair were it not for these God-chosen, God-placed friendships. To list them all could take pages and pages, and I feel so blessed to be able to say that.

There have been a couple of negative influences along the way, of course. I think some of the experiences I've had, even fleeting ones, with extremely evangelical, conservative, fundamental churches or denominations have really hardened my heart toward many other Christians, which I find so sad and I know is not good. I hate that I feel that way, but if I'm really honest with myself, it's truly how I feel. The way I have seen scripture-based "righteous" hatred being handed out like tracts in an airport makes me angry and sick and, quite frankly, don't see how this conveys the love of Christ to anyone. It brings to mind the words in I John 4, especially vv. 11-12: "Beloved, since God loved us so much, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us." Another influence for better or worse was actually one that I never saw coming. Going through my two year training to be a parish lay minister exposed me to a lot of behind-the-scenes type church stuff as well as a lot of academic focus on faith, scripture and history. While this has opened up so many avenues of contemplation for me, it has almost crippled me as well. Sometimes I find myself longing for the day when I would read something, take it at face value, and have such a simple, unadulterated faith. I wish I could go back to that but I can't. It's like trying to pretend you never heard the truth about the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus. It has jaded me on some things but actually strengthened my core beliefs (I think) in some ways, so I guess that's been a mixed blessing.

Lastly, being married to a man who has vastly different religious, well, opinions (don't think he would call them beliefs) has been one of those positive and negative influences as well. To most Christians, they would say, "Yes, unequally yoked backslider, tell us more about this. Of course this is negative. You think there's something positive here? Sure, why don't you go ahead and share that???" OK, I will. Positives: In conversations where he has really put me to the test to articulate what I believe or what God says about certain things, there were many times when I knew what I wanted to say but lacked the right way to express it. Not being one to lay down a white flag or let someone else claim conversational victory (yes, I admit this is a huge, sinful pride issue at work here), these conversations really forced me to take a hard look at things and find answers for these questions that I could say that I believed 100%. If anything, he has inadvertently strengthened my resolve and helped me to get down to the basics of what/how I believe. Also, despite his feelings being so completely differently from mine, we all still attend church together, prayers and devotions are still done with the kids, and he openly supports decisions I have made about where to attend church, how I want to be involved (or the kids), and so on. I may be the one leading the march in the family, but he has always been committed to supporting me and has been unwavering on this, which blesses my heart so much. My late husband, a baptized Christian, was not near as supportive in this department, and while he had a deep, abiding faith that really amazed me at times, this was an area of that relationship which was neglected or even strongly discouraged, which I found oppressive emotionally. I finally feel like I have the freedom to respond to God's call without fear of reprimand or resentment, which is such a huge relief.

Negatives: I hate that I do not have a faith partner in him. There are many ways in which we struggle to understand each other because we are so different in how we function spiritually. HisGirl said that she really doesn't have anything in common with nonbelievers. On a certain level I can agree with that in my life, but I cannot agree 100%. I find that I have plenty in common with my husband (and other nonbelievers); however, when I try to see things through their eyes sometimes, I feel like we speak different languages. Something is lost in translation and I will never in a million years be able to wrap my mind about how they go about things or react to situations. I do not like that I cannot pray with him, nor can I ask him to pray for me. Oh, I pray for him constantly. Actually I've been praying for him for years before I even met him, but that's a different story altogether. If I was on my deathbed and I asked him to pray for me, would he? Maybe. I know he would tell me whatever I needed to hear to give me peace, but I don't know if he would follow through. If I was going through a cancer treatment and was scared to death and asked him to pray for me? Probably not, because he would tell you that God has nothing to do with the strength in my resolve to beat the disease and the amazing medical care I would receive. I hate that he will never understand me on a spiritual-cellular level because he just doesn't share my beliefs and these things are just as odd and foreign to him as he is to me in this area. Now, some of this could change with time. We dated for three years and then married in March 2010, so we are still relatively newlywed. Time -- and God -- will tell. In that I do have faith. I also have faith that this faith and belief given to me by God so that I can be a Christian servant of mankind cannot be taken away from me by the nonbelief of another human being. My husband, children, friends or neighbors could not remove this from my heart because to do so would be to disrupt the very DNA of who I am. I also do not believe foolishly that I can pray my husband into heaven or sway him into belief. My prayer is that God would continue to move in his life in real, tangible ways, just like God has so clearly moved in my life, and that my husband's heart would not be hardened to that experience and respond to God. If I truly believe in the power of prayer, that is the best way I can handle the situation.

2) I think you will have as many interpretations of this question and the "appropriate" answer as you have living, breathing humans who read it. My standard for living may exceed or be far inferior to that of other Christians. I almost don't know how to fairly answer this question. If you are a Christian and you cause others to work on the Sabbath, does that make you unobservant of the law? What about those who baptize infants? What about those denominations that rebaptize you when you join their church? What about people like me who marry someone whose faith is not identical to their own? What about Christians who consume caffeine or alcoholic beverages? Have had sex before marriage, even if was only with the person they ended up marrying?

I am reminded of one of the songs I learned in the Lutheran church as a child, "They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love." This song really captures the essence of living the Christian life for me. How will we be known? By the fruits we bear. By our love, by working side by side, by walking hand in hand. I strive to be one of those Christians who people will come up to and say, "What is it about you? There is something different about you, and I can't quite place it or wrap my mind around it..." I want people to see a flawed, real person who doesn't have the perfect marriage, perfect kids, or even a real idea of what she wants to be when she grows up but can say each and every day of her life that "the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new EVERY morning; GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS!!!" (Lamentations 3:22-23, emphasis mine). I want them to question, after all I've been through, how sick I am that I am still willing to stand up and proclaim that when the "normal" response would be to feel angry, bitter, self-righteous, etc. That is when the real conversation can begin on why I can say that, how I know Jesus personally, and to be able to share that kind of testimony with people is something that I consider a huge responsibility. To simply say that Christians must live a life that is consistent with what God says through the scriptures and to not do that is to not really be a Christian or is irresponsible, "unsaved" behaviour is a narrow view that I really question. I don't believe in tossing the Ten Commandments aside like they don't mean anything; however, I think my interpretation of how God wants me to conduct myself is a little different than some would appreciate, and trust me -- many just don't. I really don't want to slam how others feel that the Holy Spirit is leading them to focus and conduct their lives, but I really struggle with honoring opinions of others who use the blood of the Lamb as a line of demarcation in society.

Phew! That wasn't so bad, was it? :)

My favorite verse from Week Two: "For we have heard how the LORD dried up the water of the Red Sea before you when you came out of Egypt, and what you did to the two kings of the Amorites that were beyond the Jordan, to Sihon and Og, whom you utterly destroyed. As soon as we heard it, our hearts melted, and there there was no courage left in any of us because of you. The LORD your God is indeed God in heaven above and on earth below." -- Joshua 2:10-11

I'm Frustrated (Surprise)

I'm frustrated. Feeling out of whack, out of control, and I don't know what else. And I don't like it. I don't feel a rant coming on. I just don't know what I feel. Did I mention that I don't like this one bit?

There is a group of women with whom I am involved and to whom I feel somewhat responsible. My area of responsibility is music, which should come as no surprise. Many of you know that one of the joys of my life is to be involved with worship, be it at a church, PWOC, or in any venue where God places me to utilize this gift to reach people. It's a gift that I take seriously (perhaps too seriously?), and I will never just get up and "wing it" because I feel that is irresponsible behavior. To me, this is a first fruits issue. If I truly believe that God has blessed me with the gift of being able to play a musical instrument and lead worship, then I should also not be offering God and others sloppy seconds, just whatever I could throw together at the last minute. I want my offering to rise up as fragrant incense; I mean, is that so bad?

Yes and no.

Yes -- when it becomes a matter of perfection and performance. When it becomes about what my goals and dreams are. When it becomes songs that I just want to hear or like to play. When the focus is not on how God will reach out and touch hearts based on their interaction with the worship.

No -- when worship is presented for the right reasons. When things workout how they are supposed to, regardless of time, talent, or other possible limitations. When I can take myself out of the picture and see worship for what it really is: a sacrifice of praise, a holy offering, personal and corporate time spent further developing a relationship with the Almighty.

So why am I frustrated? Honestly today it has only a little to do with the music. What hurts my heart is that I see an opportunity to serve sisters in Christ that could be such a blessing -- it already is to those of us who attend, but it has so much potential to reach and bless so many more -- and obstacles coming up every time we turn around. There are days when I feel positive and optimistic about where things are going, and other days when I think, "Why do we bother? Why should I bother?"

Anybody who has attended a class, church service, etc., that takes place on a piece of property that is being loaned out or first-come-first-served or so on knows that you always need a contingency plan, and we seem to roll with punches pretty well when things like this come our way. What frustrates me is, I suppose, a matter of circumstances: we have had to push off our spring semester kickoff for the last two weeks, one due to illness and many members not being able to come, and the other due to local school district closures due to inclement weather. These are all things over which we have no control. Now, for the third week, we are looking at another important and unavoidable obstacle that we might be able to overcome, but it just doesn't feel right to me. Not the overcoming part, but how we are having to go about being flexible and carry on with Plan B. I am not a leader or decision maker, but of course, me and my big mouth, I offered a suggestion which was not appropriate to what the needs are perceived to be next week. Personally, not a big deal. I'm more concerned with which study I will take, actually a source of confusion for me as I discern which one God wants me in, not the one that sounds like more fun. I digress...

So what's the real issue here? I don't know. I want to be self-indulgent and throw a fit and holler, "No!" when things don't go my way. I'm so befuddled I don't even know where to start in Scripture to address why my heart is so heavy for this ministry and even my own personal needs; I simply know that's where I will find balm for this wound.

Here's how the worship piece fits into this picture, however: the worship that has been part of our program seems to have been a real blessing to the ladies, from all the feedback I have heard. And it is so amazing to watch everyone at their various points of interaction and worship as we play. So I know we've been on the right track. As I sat down weeks ago to begin looking at the worship to be programmed, I poured over music, playing for hours and really soaking in the words, the tempo, all of the various ways I work through this process. I gathered together songs that really seemed to meet the needs of a group of women whose ages, life experiences, and preferences are quite varied and let them set and simmer for a while. In fact, I walked away for a week or so. As I sat back down with these songs, I really began to sense where they were leading. And the last song in particular was a real shocker for me. I felt a distinct urging that people needed to hear this one, and I needed to offer Jesus to people specifically through this song. This is not something that is comfortable or natural for me to do in public, but it seemed so timely. It was a call to come -- to Christ, to minister to each other, to grow in the Word, to fellowship.

This womens' ministry has so much potential to reach and nurture so many people. There are some amazing women of God who are already involved and have been such a blessing to get to know. The people I hear scoff this group or who come a time or two (and this does not apply to everyone, obviously) usually blow it off as irrelvant to them, they'd rather be involved in something with ladies their own age, etc. It's like they don't see Jesus standing there, hand open and extended, waiting for them to simply walk with him. What they see is people who don't look like them, who are not at the same stage of life as them, or maybe other things that I'm not even aware of and they think, "I've got better things to do." You know, we could all use one more day of quiet and solitude around the house after kids and spouses take off to embark on their days. Who doesn't have a laundry list of things they could do to occupy their time, meaningful things?

One of the reasons this is an issue so near and dear to my heart is because I know what this ministry, and the women who have yoked up alongside me from it, has meant in my life. The presence of God has never been more real in my life than the times I have been spiritually nourished by my involvement here and uplifted by the forever-friends I have made as a result. It is one of the few things in my life that I really feel motivated to put a lot of effort into outside of things that directly support my children's school or my husband's job. I really feel strong about this.

I feel so strongly about this that I know it's probably super annoying to many people. But to say no to this feels in my heart like people are saying, "Jesus, when you've got the right people gathered, with the right programs for me (or my kids or my spouse), when it jives with my schedule, I'll be there."

That being said, let's look at what's more likely the reality of the situation.

You've got to have relevance if you want to keep people involved in an organization. You do have to be able to meet their needs, or at least be working toward it. (Which I think we are.) You do have to make things easily accessible and available, otherwise it's not just a burden on someone's schedule -- it can put undue stress on children, marriages, and so on. And there is a 100% likelihood that the Holy Spirit might be calling this person into fellowship or service elsewhere.

As a person who has been involved with worship, planning worship, serving with ministries and church leaders, and a good old fashioned congregant sitting in the pews, I can tell you the two things that grab attention: music and programs. Does the music sound good, and is there something being offered that appeals to me? Those are pretty basic needs or requirements for people. I am not in charge of the studies that are offered. The only thing I impact is the worship. All we can do as leaders of this ministry is try to meet these ladies' needs and pray that they will be moved to continue on their faith journey alongside us.

So where, then, does this leave me? And what have I solved by posting this?

Same place I started. And not a darned thing.

So I will start back at Square One. Maybe this is a huge "NOT YET" for me to grasp. Who knows. All I know is that there is a God, and I'm not him. In the meantime, enjoy this amazing, powerful song.

Chosen

I had all these sweet, lovely plans for this blog, #200. You would think I had developed a sense of grace or style over the previous 199 blogs, but I must admit I'm feeling a little guilty for yesterday's uninhibited flow of mental chum that had built up to the point of bursting. The fact of the matter is that I am such a work in progress that it's not even funny. I feel inadequate to preach any sermons or give advice when I should deal with the plank in my own eye first. That being said, let's move on to bigger and brighter things!

We found out a little before Thanksgiving that God has blessed us with another baby, and by now I'm just over 11 weeks pregnant. We were feeling a little gun shy after having miscarried in early September and decided to wait until the end of the first trimester to say much of anything about it to anyone besides our parents. Well, we made it to 11 weeks which is still technically the first trimester, but it's still further than the last pregnancy had progressed.

I'll admit: I've had a nasty case of paranoia this time around. Some might say that's not abnormal considering I recently miscarried. I feel like I might be a little bit crazy but am so hopeful that we actually get to meet this child this time. I know that I am taking care of myself, probably better than I ever have before, so 99% of this is in God's hands. I prayed some time ago that, whenever God chose to bless us again with another baby, that I would have every possible pregnancy symptom so that I would know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I was pregnant and could always tell that I hadn't miscarried again. Ladies and gentlemen, I am thrilled to report that we serve a faithful God who really does answer prayer! I've had morning sickness (which I've never experienced before) and worse acne than any teenager could ever imagine. While these and other symptoms have been uncomfortable and not something I really want to experience, I'm really trying to keep a positive attitude about it and not complain. If I'm still enduring all these symptoms, I know that I am still pregnant and prayer is answered.

This was such an exciting thing to finally be able to share with Li'l G and Bud. We were having chocolate cake one afternoon, and we put a candle on my piece. The kids were very curious as to whose candle it was and why there was only one. R. asked them who in our family was so little that they were close to being one year old. They didn't quite get it, so we asked who in our family had not celebrated their first birthday yet. Of course, they both thought it was the dog, who truthfully has not celebrated her first birthday yet. However, we said that there was a new baby on the way who was going to be the youngest member of the family! They were so thrilled. To top it all off, I pointed out to Bud, who leads our family in all the mealtime prayers, that he had prayed before every meal, every day since the miscarriage, for God to send us another baby, and look what had happened as a result! Talk about a real-life teachable moment! Li'l G immediately smiled and closed her eyes, tossed back her sweet head, and shouted, "Thank you, LORD!" Pretty amazing kids.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately about many subjects, but my thoughts have especially been with my kids. Bud has had some weird, chronic stomach pain going on three months, and Li'l G has had trouble falling asleep lately. Nothing big, just things that tug on a mother's heart. As I was drying my hair the other day, noticing how physically I have already begun changing, I was conversating with God. I feel a little guilty calling it praying. I really feel as though I've got God on speakerphone on my iPhone, and I just pick it up and chat with God as I go through my day. At any rate, I was mulling over these things and really at a loss for how best to help my children and telling God that today, as with every other day, I lifted them up. In fact, I give them up to God daily. I realized just after giving birth to Li'l G that I am beyond blessed that God chose me to be their natural mother, but that God is their Heavenly Father who can love them more completely than I ever could, who will always be near to them when I am far away, who can watch over and protect them, guard their hearts and cover their little ears, guide them down the right paths in life, and so on. To me, they are on loan from God. They are God's creations, not mine, and it is my distinct privilege to be their mother. During this conversation, I realized that I had been chosen once more to bring another little life into the world, to nurture and love him or her, to raise this child and help them grow into an adult who will thrive and be a blessing to others. I know this is a massive stretch, but it did make me think about Mary, the mother of Jesus. She and I are both human and therefore sinful by nature, yet both of us were chosen to be stewards of a precious little life. Now, Mary's child and mine may not exactly be comparable, but Jesus did not only belong to Mary. She was called to give birth to Jesus, nurture and love him throughout his days, and you know a part of her saw her child as Jesus was beaten, suffering and dying. As a mother I can't begin to know the depths of her human pain. I know how much it hurts to see my children in any kind of pain, but her experience was on such a different level. It just makes me think how blessed it is to bear life into this world. And thinking about parents who may not be birth parents, I believe they are still chosen by God to be that particular child's parents and stewards in this life. You don't have to have devoted DNA to someone to have been chosen. And that is truly a holy honor.

Let The Airing of Grievances Begin!

I tell ya, I have been on a real tear now for a while. Every five minutes yesterday I picked up my phone to tweet about something that was really gettin' under my skin, but thankfully I listened to my conscience and reconsidered, lest I post something that was just rude and cranky. But I realized as the day progressed that I may not be the only person out here who feels this way, and sometimes a good rant is just in order. I really am not angry about anything, just a little irritated here and there. Kinda like sporadic diaper rash or something, I don't know. There are just a few grievances I'd like to get out in the open. In the spirit of Festivus, as Mr. Constanza would say, let the grievances begin!

First of all, if you haven't seen the Festivus clips from "Seinfeld," here ya go:

If you are a "Seinfeld" fan, you will find this hysterical; otherwise, skip it. Let's hit it!

SUZANNE SOMERS

This is really what got it all started for me yesterday. I had come home from a walk and working in the yard and was changing clothes in my room. It is my habit to turn on the local NBC affiliate in the morning to check news and weather, and I must have left the TV on after I went downstairs to get on with my day. Either way, "Live With Regis and Kelly" was on, which I normally miss since the TV is normally off by that time of day. Suzanne Somers was the guest, and she was promoting a book she recently "wrote". It FLOORED me how this movie star was going on and on about how she sits in restaurants and criticizes people. She claimed that, if a person has a puffy face, then you know they are gluten intolerant. Really, Dr. Somers? I'm gluten intolerant? Oh, wait a minute... I'M PREGNANT! Maybe my lower abdominal swelling is due to the presence of strains of candida replicating out of control in my rotten gut like you suggest... Oh, wait yet another minute... That would be MY BABY. Wow, too bad you spent all that time and money on medical school to incorrectly diagnose my puffy face and bloated gut... Oh, wait yet another minute... you HAVEN'T attended medical school! That's right! I just wanted to barf (not morning sickness) as she proceeded to condescend to Seth Meyers and Kelly Ripa and the audience about all the ills of our diets, lifestyles, ad nauseum. If you go to her website and blog, you get more of her edicts from on high about hormones, the crappy food we eat, and basically how the medical community is a bunch of three year-olds playing dress up and wearing adult-sized stethoscopes. In her blog she quotes all sorts of medical journals and articles. I would do a Man v. Food chili dog challenge if she has read even 5% of the articles she quotes. If she wants me to take her seriously, then she needs to go to school, pay her dues, and put "M.D." after her name. Until then, she can go sit with Sean Penn and Woody Harrelson in a corner booth at an exclusive Hollywood dive and bore them to death. I mean, where on earth would we be without these theatrical prophets in the wilderness?!?

DOGS THAT POOP ON CARPET

Does this really need explanation? I am at the end of my rope dealing with my dog and her psychotic bowels. Just because you smell a place where you had a LEGITIMATE accident four months ago does not give you free reign to drop it like it's hot on the stairs. Ever.

POLITICAL WARFARE IN THE MEDIA

OK, guys, are we seriously turning the tragedy in Arizona into a Sarah Palin story? I think most of us could've told you over 225 years ago that there were going to be radicals reacting to the passionate, extreme rhetoric we hear in the political arenas. People died at the hands of a young man who smiled like a demon in his mug shot. I'd really rather focus on the stories of the lives impacted than a) give this guy any more media attention or b) turn this into partisan politics and finger pointing.

On one hand, looking at the current state of politics in our nation, a part of me really loves the fact that people are getting hot and bothered and pushing back. It reminds me of famous quotes from history, such as, "Give me liberty or give me death!" which are an indelible part of our national fabric. It was these crazy, radical individuals that dumped the tea into Boston Harbor, wrapped their feet in wrags and fought the British in the snow, and penned the words to our national anthem. There is, however, too much of a good thing. Where is the line that is crossed between being patriotic and being a menace to society? That may seem like hyperbole, but in the retrospective light of history, it might not be. I loved hearing people get up at town hall meetings over the last year or two and talk over senators to be sure they got the point about the Obamacare situation. I love the fact that the voters have really turned things upside down in the last two elections. It gives me hope that this nation still has a pulse and really cares enough about its future to exercise its power at the polls. At the same time, too much of a good thing can be its own undoing. Why is it so offensive to talk politics amongst intelligent adult company? Because you might offend someone. Oh dear. If we could restore civility in our society at large, we would be able to have these coherent, respectful debates and still get somewhere without the gun imagery, crosshairs, name calling, eye rolling, and crazy madmen coming out of the woodwork. But in an age where road rage is more common that good manners, I guess we're going to have to either come to terms with the state of things or get off our butts and take our society back before the nutjobs run it into the ground. I won't even get started on the power of prayer here. This is enough of a righteous rant to begin with...

BATTLE HYMN OF THE TIGER MOTHER

This is actually a rave. I was so proud of this woman I could have kissed her square on the mouth. I will admit I've taken to watching "The Today Show" in the morning, partly because it's NYC hype and I live in this general part of the country now, and also because it comes on after my local news and weather go off in the morning during the pre-school routine. At any rate, I am fully aware of the left-wing tendencies of this show and tend to take it with a grain of salt; in fact, I do enjoy it most days. That being said, Meredith Viera interviewed a woman today who is Chinese and a mother of two daughters. This woman has written a book with the title shown above. In a nutshell, she talks about how her strict parenting can raise "perfect" kids. Now, we all know that kids stand as much chance at being perfect as we do at being called up personally by Hugh Hefner after giving birth to a couple of eight- or nine pounders and asked to be a centerfold. But I digress. What I loved was this: Meredith Viera was clearly trying to get this mother to admit that her parenting style was extreme and ineffective. This lady clearly articulated her beliefs and did not cave in to Viera's leading line of questioning, but rather stood her ground and further expanded on exactly what type of parenting practices she's talking about. She admitted to some failures with one of her daughters and talked about how much even her parenting has changed. Score One for mom right there. Here is the best part: the mother mentioned that she thought it was odd that everyone is calling this "Chinese parenting," when in her opinion, this used to be traditional Western parenting. BINGO! Game, set, match for Tiger Mom! She talked about how disrespectful children are allowed to behave, how little supervision they have, the unfettered liberties they are given, and the lack of clear boundaries that are supporting our kids making terrible choices in their lives -- drugs, alcohol, teenage pregnancy to name only a few. And the Today show definitely painted her to be the bad guy in how they worded things: no playdates, mandatory piano and violin lessons, no complaining, all A's on report cards and nothing less, etc. When she spoke, she talked about taking family bike rides and spending time together as a family; she was standing there next to her daughter supervising her piano practice. Just for a minute, let's have a show of hands: how many parents reading this right now usually drop off their child at a sports or music practice and either stay in the car or drive away to run errands, take another child to another activity, etc.? What I saw was a mother taking her family back from the influence of pop culture and pop culture parenting. Good.For.Her!

DEBATES ON FACEBOOK

Clearly, as evidenced on this blog today and many other times, I enjoy a lively reparte. Sometimes I may stir things up just to make conversation interesting, but more times than not I am speaking about something that has caused me personal conviction, I have a unique personal experience, or so on. The debates I have seen over relatively trivial issues on Facebook blows my mind! Case in point: Sing4Joy posted something the other day about getting rid of a Tempurpedic bed. Someone immediately suggested the evil Sleep Number mattress. The debate that ensued was nothing short of passionate. I clearly saw more than one person seeming to be huffy that others were posting negative reviews of this product and preferred something else over it. Really? Seriously?!? Of course I added my two cents' worth to the mix. My experience was that I had slept on the dreaded Sleep Number mattress the night before a ten mile race and woke up feeling as if I had been beaten up and down my spine with baseball bats all night. I was stiff and almost sore, kind of like I thought I would feel after running ten miles but not prior to said event. One of the pro-Sleep Number postees inquired ever so gently, "Are you sure it wasn't nerves? Most people have problems with nerves before big races." (or something to that effect). Really?!? I had no idea. Thank you for identifying that problem for me. I have never entered an athletic event before, nor have I ever experienced pre-event jitters. Wow. Thanks. Definitely could not have been the $5,000 AIR MATTRESS I was sleeping on. Definitely not.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

I'm going to end this blog with a rave and stick up for another underdog. I was listening to one of my favorite local radio stations on this new iPhone app I picked up for $0.99 (best ninety-nine cents I've ever spent!) and there was a commercial for their lunchtime flashback hour. They play '80s hits over the lunch hour and the commercial had this lady talking about all the glory of the '80s, like when "Saturday Night Live" was still funny. You know, I've had about enough of hearing this, and I'm fairly certain many of the actors over the last twenty years have had it, too. We have seen some real comedic talent come out of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, or the comedic cast of SNL. Show of hands: how many of you agree with the lady in the commercial? OK, put your hands down if you think Will Farrell, Adam Sandler, Tracy Morgan and Jimmy Fallon are at all entertaining. What about Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Cheri Oteri, Molly Shannon, or Ana Gasteyer? These men and women are actually quite good at what they do, and if you watch more often than every five years, it's easy to see what each person's strength is. Many of these actors have developed characters that are just as popular as Roseanne Rosannadanna or the Coneheads. Do the Spartan cheerleaders or Mary Katherine Gallagher come to mind? Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig are some of the funniest ladies I've seen lately as well. True, the writing for the show has had its ups and downs over the years, but overall the actors are pretty darned good. If you have ever liked SNL in the past and have stopped watching it because it's not as funny as it used to be when you were about 13, do yourself a favor and watch it again for the next several weeks. You might be surprised that you see some really good stuff going on there. Personally I find this a lot more entertaining that many of the other options on TV these days, but then again I'm hard to please. No way!!!

Now that the airing of grievances is over, on to the Feats of Strength, George!