There is a group of women with whom I am involved and to whom I feel somewhat responsible. My area of responsibility is music, which should come as no surprise. Many of you know that one of the joys of my life is to be involved with worship, be it at a church, PWOC, or in any venue where God places me to utilize this gift to reach people. It's a gift that I take seriously (perhaps too seriously?), and I will never just get up and "wing it" because I feel that is irresponsible behavior. To me, this is a first fruits issue. If I truly believe that God has blessed me with the gift of being able to play a musical instrument and lead worship, then I should also not be offering God and others sloppy seconds, just whatever I could throw together at the last minute. I want my offering to rise up as fragrant incense; I mean, is that so bad?
Yes and no.
Yes -- when it becomes a matter of perfection and performance. When it becomes about what my goals and dreams are. When it becomes songs that I just want to hear or like to play. When the focus is not on how God will reach out and touch hearts based on their interaction with the worship.
No -- when worship is presented for the right reasons. When things workout how they are supposed to, regardless of time, talent, or other possible limitations. When I can take myself out of the picture and see worship for what it really is: a sacrifice of praise, a holy offering, personal and corporate time spent further developing a relationship with the Almighty.
So why am I frustrated? Honestly today it has only a little to do with the music. What hurts my heart is that I see an opportunity to serve sisters in Christ that could be such a blessing -- it already is to those of us who attend, but it has so much potential to reach and bless so many more -- and obstacles coming up every time we turn around. There are days when I feel positive and optimistic about where things are going, and other days when I think, "Why do we bother? Why should I bother?"
Anybody who has attended a class, church service, etc., that takes place on a piece of property that is being loaned out or first-come-first-served or so on knows that you always need a contingency plan, and we seem to roll with punches pretty well when things like this come our way. What frustrates me is, I suppose, a matter of circumstances: we have had to push off our spring semester kickoff for the last two weeks, one due to illness and many members not being able to come, and the other due to local school district closures due to inclement weather. These are all things over which we have no control. Now, for the third week, we are looking at another important and unavoidable obstacle that we might be able to overcome, but it just doesn't feel right to me. Not the overcoming part, but how we are having to go about being flexible and carry on with Plan B. I am not a leader or decision maker, but of course, me and my big mouth, I offered a suggestion which was not appropriate to what the needs are perceived to be next week. Personally, not a big deal. I'm more concerned with which study I will take, actually a source of confusion for me as I discern which one God wants me in, not the one that sounds like more fun. I digress...
So what's the real issue here? I don't know. I want to be self-indulgent and throw a fit and holler, "No!" when things don't go my way. I'm so befuddled I don't even know where to start in Scripture to address why my heart is so heavy for this ministry and even my own personal needs; I simply know that's where I will find balm for this wound.
Here's how the worship piece fits into this picture, however: the worship that has been part of our program seems to have been a real blessing to the ladies, from all the feedback I have heard. And it is so amazing to watch everyone at their various points of interaction and worship as we play. So I know we've been on the right track. As I sat down weeks ago to begin looking at the worship to be programmed, I poured over music, playing for hours and really soaking in the words, the tempo, all of the various ways I work through this process. I gathered together songs that really seemed to meet the needs of a group of women whose ages, life experiences, and preferences are quite varied and let them set and simmer for a while. In fact, I walked away for a week or so. As I sat back down with these songs, I really began to sense where they were leading. And the last song in particular was a real shocker for me. I felt a distinct urging that people needed to hear this one, and I needed to offer Jesus to people specifically through this song. This is not something that is comfortable or natural for me to do in public, but it seemed so timely. It was a call to come -- to Christ, to minister to each other, to grow in the Word, to fellowship.
This womens' ministry has so much potential to reach and nurture so many people. There are some amazing women of God who are already involved and have been such a blessing to get to know. The people I hear scoff this group or who come a time or two (and this does not apply to everyone, obviously) usually blow it off as irrelvant to them, they'd rather be involved in something with ladies their own age, etc. It's like they don't see Jesus standing there, hand open and extended, waiting for them to simply walk with him. What they see is people who don't look like them, who are not at the same stage of life as them, or maybe other things that I'm not even aware of and they think, "I've got better things to do." You know, we could all use one more day of quiet and solitude around the house after kids and spouses take off to embark on their days. Who doesn't have a laundry list of things they could do to occupy their time, meaningful things?
One of the reasons this is an issue so near and dear to my heart is because I know what this ministry, and the women who have yoked up alongside me from it, has meant in my life. The presence of God has never been more real in my life than the times I have been spiritually nourished by my involvement here and uplifted by the forever-friends I have made as a result. It is one of the few things in my life that I really feel motivated to put a lot of effort into outside of things that directly support my children's school or my husband's job. I really feel strong about this.
I feel so strongly about this that I know it's probably super annoying to many people. But to say no to this feels in my heart like people are saying, "Jesus, when you've got the right people gathered, with the right programs for me (or my kids or my spouse), when it jives with my schedule, I'll be there."
That being said, let's look at what's more likely the reality of the situation.
You've got to have relevance if you want to keep people involved in an organization. You do have to be able to meet their needs, or at least be working toward it. (Which I think we are.) You do have to make things easily accessible and available, otherwise it's not just a burden on someone's schedule -- it can put undue stress on children, marriages, and so on. And there is a 100% likelihood that the Holy Spirit might be calling this person into fellowship or service elsewhere.
As a person who has been involved with worship, planning worship, serving with ministries and church leaders, and a good old fashioned congregant sitting in the pews, I can tell you the two things that grab attention: music and programs. Does the music sound good, and is there something being offered that appeals to me? Those are pretty basic needs or requirements for people. I am not in charge of the studies that are offered. The only thing I impact is the worship. All we can do as leaders of this ministry is try to meet these ladies' needs and pray that they will be moved to continue on their faith journey alongside us.
So where, then, does this leave me? And what have I solved by posting this?
Same place I started. And not a darned thing.
So I will start back at Square One. Maybe this is a huge "NOT YET" for me to grasp. Who knows. All I know is that there is a God, and I'm not him. In the meantime, enjoy this amazing, powerful song.
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