Daybook Entry

I was over at Pilgrim Steps and enjoyed reading her Daybook. I might start doing these every so often, more as a tool to get the creative juices flowing. Leave a link in the comments if you'd like to play along, too! Or just leave some snarky comments, as per usual... :)

I am wearing a periwinkle longsleeved t-shirt and khaki pants. Not very seasonal colors, but perfect for our first real feeling of fall! Nice and comfy...

I am reading junk right now. I'm between books and finally finished my last paper for lay ministry (HOORAY!!!), so I indulged today at the supermarket in a couple of magazines. I bought one about cottage living, another about cottage floorplans, and a Vanity Fair. I have this dream of living in a quaint little cottage in a charming little town somewhere, complete with beautiful flowers, birds, comfort food, and other utopian necessities. The Vanity Fair is for the plane. I love haute couture, and the articles are remotely interesting, but for the most part VF is pure leftist, liberal drivel. Which is exactly why I don't subscribe (anymore). I will, however, take my copy of Christopher Moore's Lamb on the plane, and fully intend on downloading another David Sedaris book so I can laugh like a crazy woman on the plane. :)

I am hearing the call of God to do something with my life -- just what it is, I'm still not sure of. I'm still listening, though...

Learning all the time that I am a person who is a jack-of-all-trades and master of none. While I think it's pretty neat that I can attempt pretty much anything that strikes me as interesting with a relative degree of success, I either lose interest quickly or I find another mountain to conquer. I am learning that there's a reason why God created me this way, but I am needing to learn how he wants me to put this unusual skill to work for the kingdom.

I am thankful for my good health. I went through a long stretch, months really, where I was suffering from chronic migraines. They are likely linked to changes in hormones, which I think I've got figured out now. I also took pro-active steps to manage my sinus symptoms, which trigger migraine-like headaches. Now if I can just survive Mountain Cedar pollination this winter...

I am hoping to get lots done tomorrow; in fact, probably too much. I'm starting to feel the crunch of, 'Oh crap, I really wanted to get this done before I left town.' Some things will just have to wait until I get home, and that's that.

From the kitchen I can see the pale hue of the early fall sky. I just cannot get over the fact that we are having fall weather in September! It's such a rare event here in Central Texas. If this were anywhere up north, we'd also have the blessing of fall colors to match, but I'm definitely not one to look a gift horse in the mouth!

I am creating more time in our daily schedule to read and work on phonics with the kids. We make the phonics something fun that we can do in about 2.5 minutes while we're eating breakfast, and by getting our daily routine worked out, we usually have a little time left to steal for a quick snuggle and story. What's even better is that Li'l G is starting to be able to read the stories to us!

Bringing beauty to my home by striving to keep it clean and work on keeping up with organization! Ever since buying the new leather couches and recliner, I've been focused on keeping the hardwood floors vaccumed and cleaned, in addition to going the extra mile in the kitchen. I need to add my bathroom to that list, though; it's cluttered right now.

Around the house there is a sense that we have moved on to a new stage in our lives as a family. The kids are no longer toddlers. That has been a difficult stage for me to let go. As much as they have driven me crazy with toddler tantrums, potty training, and general kid behavior, I have loved every minute of the closeness and preciousness it brings. Now, there are backpacks, homework, lunchboxes, and carpool schedules. We groove like a well-oiled machine. :)

Outside my window are glaring examples of how I neglect my domestic duties to pursue other interests, be they personal or ones relating to my children. The nandinas are in competetion with the dwarf yupons to see who can clutter up the flower bed faster. Now is definitely the time to be trimming them back. This particular corner of my front flower beds used to frame my office window and gave it a quaint, cottage-y view from indoors. Now it's just a reminder that I need to seek a slower pace of life.

I am thinking about the possibility of becoming a crisis chaplain. There is a LOT of research to do to see if this is the right vocation for me (see a few paragraphs earlier). I definitely feel called to serve with a ministry of presence, in addition to music ministry. I think this might be an extremely rewarding profession at some point, but it's a loooong road for me to get there. Just thinking at this point...

One of my favorite things is my kids' quirky senses of humor. Bud is becoming a little comedian, telling jokes and following up with, "Get it?!?" He just cracks himself up. Li'l G smiles so big that her eyes are almost closed as she laughs this zany, Julia Roberts-esque guffaw. I hope these are the last things I remember just before Jesus takes me home someday.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Now that I have the weight of unfinished business off my chest having finished my paper, I am completely free to enjoy some well-deserved play time with my sweetie for a few days. I plan on sleeping late, working out, getting outdoors, eating like a pig, drinking good wine, fellowshipping with friends, and hopefully being swept off my feet a little bit. Even moms need to feel glamorous every now and then. :)

Hurricane Ike Update

Nothing. Nada. Not a darned thing.

That's what effects we felt of this monster storm.

I guess I should be more positive -- we got one brief shower that was enough to dissolve the fertilizer I put out this morning. And we didn't have any damage or outage of power.

But seeing as I have no life and immensely enjoy rainy days, this was one of the most anti-climactic days I've had since the kids and I returned home from Washington.

On a lighter note, I will be travelling this week to Salt Lake City. Since I am not Mormon, nor do I ever plan to be, some of you might be wondering why on earth I'm headed there this week. As it turns out, there is a reunion for the unit with which R. served in Iraq. I had the privilege of meeting some of the veterans from this unit on Memorial Day on the National Mall. I was so touched by the sense of connection these guys shared. So many of them are Vietnam vets and have really fought and struggled to reclaim their lives from the harrowing images of battle and the heartbreak of fallen comrades. What amazes me is the look they give one another as they embrace and say, "Welcome home, brother," even after so many years. They didn't just return home from war at some time in the past. They return home to each other every time they gather and fellowship together.

Another reason why I will travel with R. to support him and this group of warriors is because of how the older guys support the current generation. The guys who have been around the block can spot a soldier from a mile away who is at high risk for not handling life back home very well. They love these young warriors and knock themselves out to tell them how proud they are of them and how they are there if the need arises.

What am I there for? To observe these brothers-in-arms reuniting, strengthening a bond that is crucial. To express to R. that I love him by supporting this tight-knit group that mean more to him than most people. To experience a part of the country I've never seen before. To hear the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing on Thursday night. And to look good at the banquet, too. :)

And BTW, if any of you are locals or have been to SLC before, toss me some pointers on things not to be missed!!

Under The Gun

Alrighty, Texas. Looks like it's our turn to take a hit for the team. I wonder, how many of our evacuees will Louisiana accept?...

We are looking at tropical storm conditions where I live in Central Texas by Saturday evening, so it looks like my wish for rain will be more than granted. We'll probably hole up in the house with popcorn and movies, possibly throw a roast in the crock pot, too.

S4J, can I evacuate to your house?!? :) Pre-Chicas '08!

This-N-That

Whew! It's been a whirlwind week, and I've gotten so far behind on posting that the hard drive in my brain is maxed out. I will attempt to recap:


As of last week, I have officially become a minion of the PTA at Li'l G's school. Honestly, I have been skeptical of PTAs because I am not very fond of cliques and anything that reminds me of my terrible days as an adolescent. However, this group of ladies seems like hard workers who truly want to be involved at the school to help support teachers and kids. I helped set up for the Book Fair and will work for a few hours there later this week. I may have an inner librarian working somewhere in the untold folds of my personality. At any rate, I'm not able to work things in the evenings due to my family structure, and this is one of the best ways to volunteer during the daytime. That, and I'm always on the lookout for new friends. The way I see it, the more connections we can make with other people the better. You never know when you might meet that one friend who becomes a gem you treasure for a lifetime.


The main focus of the last week or so has definitely been the fundraiser and praise band concert that went down at my church last night. We've been toiling away at practices. I know everyone on the team has got to be ready for a little space away from me as I struggled to get some of my fine tuning down. But the bottomline is that this is an unusually grace-filled group of people that I'm so blessed to have in my life. The fundraiser seems to have been a success, and we all left the concert feeling like we had put forth our best effort.


I was trying to explain to someone recently what it is like to play with a group of people. It's one thing to play an instrument or sing and have to be in front of a group of people, but when you do this in the context of praise and worship, it's a whole different enchilada. What we do as a praise band is meant for the direct benefit of the congregation and as our personal sacrifices of praise to the Lord. To me, I feel like the luckiest person in the room because of my vantage point. Not only am I doing something that I love and that I feel that God has blessed me to be able to share this passion with others, but the blessing I receive when I observe others listening to the music and interacting with it, it is something so sacred that I just cannot think of another way to experience it. All I can say is "wow."


Amidst all this fracas, R. came to visit for the weekend and I got one of my papers finished. Even Li'l G had homework that miraculously got done. All this done with a sinus headache all.weekend.long.


I need a weekend to recover from my weekend.


And now for the bad news: I have made an executive decision to cut something from my calendar. **Insert sound of needle scratching across vinyl record in the distance!!** What, GGG?!? You actually took something OFF your calendar? Honey, check the news -- I think Jesus is coming again...!


Yes, I have decided to take a committment away from myself so that I don't kill myself with too many items on the personal agenda. I am still cycling and even showing up to spinning if there's bad weather, but I do not have the time necessary to be properly trained for the bike race in October. It was a hard call to make, but it was the right choice. I will still train to enter a race, but I will put it off until the spring. I've got to properly prioritize my time these days, and quite frankly, it was taking up valuable space on the front burner. I will, however, continue to post for accountability. So none of you are off the hook, either!!! Thought you were off the hook... ;)


On a more philosophical note, I'm sensing change these days. I don't know what form to expect it in, but I have this unsettled feeling that there is going to be a major shift in my life over the next few months. This could be for several reasons.


1) Having been married to the military, I'm used to moving every 24 months or so. I've been living here in my new home, essentially my new life, for 25 months. Just sheer force of habit might lead me to expect change, right? Maybe...


2) I'm entering the last of four semesters of lay ministry training. I distinctly remember thinking after T. died that I wanted to enter into some kind of ministry, counseling, pastoring, worship leader/music ministry, etc. My pastor-at-the-time and friend advised me of this program offered through my denomination that might be interesting and even serve as part of the discerning process for me to consider what my calling might be or what the next steps of my new life would look like. Now, as I am nearing the end of this incubation period, I think I'm somewhat closer to figuring that out but still have no clear answers. Perhaps it's anxiety related to feeling like I've reached the end of one path and wondering where the beginning lies to the next one.


I know for sure that I will sorely miss the fellowship I experience at these meetings. The other PLM candidates are such interesting people who truly desire to take a further step in their involvement in the life of the church and those they are serving/will serve. Having almost 25-30 likeminded individuals gathered in one place just makes me giddy with excitement and energy to take the world by storm. The professors are such interesting folks and are all so anointed and yet so different from one another that I feel like I could just hang on their every word. Obviously I enjoy these sessions and will miss them so much. I have no idea who or what God will bring along to fill this void in my life.


3) I'm eccentric, hormonal, compulsive and turning 32 next month. Can anyone say mid-life crisis?!? However true of the first part, I can't really say I think it's a mid-life crisis. And I'm actually quite fond of being in my thirties. I think it is when human beings hit their prime. I definitely feel like this is the prime of my life and want to capitalize that in every possible way, hence all the fitness craze and the continuing education stuff. But is that the source of this "hunch?"


4) Maybe my relationship is moving into a new phase. I can't really say that much has changed, and even if it had, I'm under strict orders not to mention "him" on the blog. This is request is painfully hard for me to honor. While I don't have any problem with keeping a private life private, I also know that there are other people out there in my shoes who are aching inside, wondering what has happened to them, if things will ever change, who they are, who they want to be with, etc. I feel called to share my life's experiences, and dating after the death of a spouse is an area of our society left largely unexplored. Most people think it's too taboo to discuss. Then again, most people associate the word "widow" with people who look like Sophia Petrillo. While I probably act like her, I can assure you that is the only thing we have in common.


At any rate, perhaps there is change in our future. Will this change be a step toward a closer bond, toward a mature love that could lead to a lifelong committment and a chance at having another baby? I would love that. Or, will it lead to us shaking hands and saying, "I love you, but not like that?" I certainly hope not. But there is just no way of knowing, is there? Despite my feelings about wanting to reach out to this neglected group of the population, I will respect his wishes on this matter. It's the least I can do.


There are probably lots of other reasons for this hunch. The changing of the seasons, my hormones, too much sinus pressure, the anniversary of T.'s birthday this week, the desire to see change, seeing my family transition from a house ruled by the needs of toddlers to those of kids old enough to unbuckle their booster seats. My God, El Roi, God Who Sees, knows what's in my heart. He hears my silent cries of, "What now?", "Why not?", "Why me?", "Why not me?", and many others that only the Holy Spirit can utter on my behalf. And let the record show, I know this all has to be chalked up to trusting God to meet my needs and leaving it in God's hands.

And on top of all this madness, S4J goes off and posts about certain trust and gets us all convicted and stuff. Pft. How rood.

So there you have it, dear readers. What happens next in the never-ending drama/saga that is the life and times of GGG & Co.??? Tune in tomorrow for the next installement of, "The Days of Surviving Wives!"

Here I Stand!!!

You all have 54 more shopping days until I turn a mere, tender 32 years of age. If you haven't done your shopping yet and plan to give me something other than a hard time (certain praise band piano players... hehe...), you can begin your shopping search here in general or here specifically (ahem, Chicas...) Or if you're feeling bold, surprise me with a little something special from this reputable online establishment. Heck, they might even accept a post-dated check, yo.

I know I owe you all a couple of accountability posts, which I will likely condense into one given my insane schedule and complete inability to scale down my life. I've also just finished an amaaaaaazing book and really want to review it properly. Did I mention I STILL have papers to finish?!? Good grief... Once the meth wears off and I'm thinking clearly again, I'll get caught up...

JUST KIDDING! (About the meth, that is...)

Palin and Pasties (Or The Lack Thereof)

OK. For those of you who thrill at GGG's rants-n-raves, make yourself a ginormous bowl of popcorn and get a vat of Coke, because I'm ready for a good one today!

First off, let me set the scene. Picture it: Central Texas, 2008. A trim, healthy, active, not-too-bad-looking mom is walking through a local grocery store, selecting fresh fruits and vegetables to take home and lovingly prepare for her two young children. She takes pride in having "gotten her body back," even if she had to do so by force, and is trying to model healthy lifestyles for said children, despite how much people at the bank love to hand out lollypops and grandparents smuggle in root beer and gummi snacks. (Side bar: did I mention that I think Bud has a cavity the size of Tropical Storm Ike in his sweet little molar?!? More on that in two weeks when we see the dentist. Back to your regularly scheduled kvetching session...)

So yes, there we were in the local grocery store. We were really savoring some mommy-and-me time, seeing as Li'l G is already in school and he will begin his foray into official preschool tomorrow. *sniff, sniff* Just as we were unloading the cart, I cast my eyes up to the trashy tabloids and other various rags they sell at the checkout. The next thing I see is a painted nipple, and I wanted to be ill.

You know, I remember the first time I saw a bathing suit that had been, literally, painted on. It was a good 7-10 years ago in an allegded swimsuit magazine that comes out once a year because, you know, lots of women read this particular periodical. On top of that, I'm sure this magazine is marketed to equally as many women as men, and I don't know about you other people lacking penises, but I love gawking at other women whose hobbies are hang gliding and watching Kung-Fu while eating Hooters hotwings.

I couldn't believe that the people who published this magazine had gotten away with putting a little Crayola Tempera paint on this woman's hoo-ha (the scientific name, FYI) and publishing this without plastic wrapping around it! It was one of those moments where you say, "Am I the only one who just saw that?!?" Apparently I wasn't, but apparently I'm the only one who was shocked by it.

There is a fully naked woman on the front of this magazine. Every single woman in it, to include Paris Hilton, are completely nude. There are no pasties on their tender mercies, although I'm sure there's some kind of "artistic saran wrap" on their nether-regions. I reeeeeaaallly don't want to know how they pulled this off. I'm not going to post a link to anywhere on the Internet where you can find it, as I'm sure it's pretty easy to do. Heck, you can be at the Quickie Mart and send your five year old in with $5 to get you a copy of your very own. And THAT, dear readers, is why I'm ranting and raving today.

Go ahead -- I triple dog dare someone to comment using the words "First Amendment Rights" on this blog. What's at stake here is not the First Stinkin' Amendment. I think we've all been drug down the road of speech really meaning expression in general this sad day and age. Actually, I wonder if the founding fathers are rolling in their graves to look at the issues of our day in comparison to the ones of theirs: surviving epidemics, religious persecution, and being under the tyrannical rule of a separate nation. At any rate, we live in a society that we have created. I know that I cannot keep pornographers from being profitable at their chosen profession. But I do know that we have laws that limit its accessibility. If this particular magazine wants to publish this type of magazine, there's nothing legally that can be done about it. I just wish that it would be wrapped up and an ID card presented before purchase. Yes, kids under 18 will still likely get their hands on it, just like booze and cigarettes. We can't keep them from doing it, but if there are deterrents along the way, it might make the hassle not worth it or, heaven forbid, it might cause them to think about what they're doing. The fact that this magazine is sitting at eye level with my three and a half year old, next to other non-pornographic magazines, is unacceptable to me. Plain and simple.

And while we're at it, let's talk about the freedom of speech/expression. We are all free to spew forth whatever comes to our minds without fear of imprisonment or persecution, and that's an amazing gift not to be taken for granted. Our soldiers stand in harm's way 24/7 to ensure that this freedom remains ours to use or not use as we choose. What baffles me is how we deal with the repercussions of said free speech/expression. Maybe this is why our court systems are clogged hopelessly with litigation-happy people who can't resolve their issues without having the law step in like a frazzled, worn out parent, and peel the two fighting siblings off each other. Here's what I think: You have a right to say/express whatever you want. I maintain that I have a right to not have to hear it, experience it, or acknowledge it. There's a reason why strip clubs don't have windows! I just wish there was some legal stance those of us could take that don't want anything to do with a certain activity. Almost like an intellectual restraining order or something. I'm not trying to prohibit this woman's right to be an exhibitionist. I'm just want to be left alone and not be affronted with her colorful, naked mammaries when I'm at the supermarket. If I wanted that, I could gaze at my own any time I wanted. Oh, but if I take out my breasts as I'm writing a check, that's considered public indecency. I could go to jail for that. But if I paint them with the kids' fingerpaints before I leave the house, does that make it legal??? Just some food for thought...

As another side note regarding our civil liberties, something else that really peels my potatoes is when people cry out "freedom of religion" or "separation of church and state." (which, dear readers, IS A PHRASE NOT FOUND IN OUR CONSTITUTION, NOR IS IT FOUND IN OUR BILL OF RIGHTS. Feel free to peruse here.) I cannot think of a single time when this was used on someone of any other religion than Christian. Christians receive verbal lynchings in ways that would make every member of the ACLU suicidal if it were being said of a Muslim, Jew, Buddhist, Hindu, Taoist, agnostic, or atheist. But the minute Christians form the words, "God," or, "Jesus," on their lips, we get whacked across the nose by Lady Liberty with her spare copy of the Constitution rolled up like Sunday's newspaper. If, indeed, we as Americans feel the need to enforce the laws this way, I'd like to see a little consistency. That's really all I'm asking for.

And speaking of consistency, that leads me to my last rant-n-rave topic of the day. Ever since Sen. McCain announced that Sarah Palin would be his running mate during this election, people have been in a political whirlwind about his choice. Let me say upfront: I don't care what body parts you were born with. If you're going to be a president or vice president of my country, gender and/or race is not something I care at all about. What I care about is this: are you the right human being for the job??? Most of us agree that we don't know much about her. As I learn more about her, I think she's pretty interesting. But I will say this: she has a 17 year old daughter who is pregnant. Again, I'm not going to link to this news, as it is prolific on almost any website you come across. But here's an opportunity to display some character.

Palin professes to be a pro-life candidate. I'm not going to blog about abortion, pro-choice, pro-life, or anything like that. I don't think it's an edifying conversation about which to blog. What impressed me about this situation is this: here is a young woman, going through a life-altering event. Not only is the transition from woman to mother a huge deal, doing it as a 17 year old really ups the ante. Many kids might want to have an abortion; similarly, their parents might be encouraging them to have an abortion for various reasons. To my knowledge, this girl is five months along and sounds like she will not be aborting her baby. Some people are incredibly critical of Gov. Palin about this familial indiscretion; I say BRAVO TO HER FOR BEING CONSISTENT. If she's pro-life, yet encourages her daughter to have an abortion because she's too young to be a mother and would be throwing her life away, that makes her a hypocrite in my eyes, which in turn means I wouldn't be casting a vote for her. This seems to be a case where the family is rallying around one another, the candidate is practicing what is being preached, and the message is consistent. Again, consistency is all I'm asking for.

So who am I voting for? I'm not letting on just yet, but I'm pretty sure I know who I'm not voting for, so the decision seems to be made for me. I still think that we're lacking a truly viable candidate for president, but that's a different blog for a different day. Hope you all will actually read me again after today!! And feel free to sound off if you want -- comments from both sides are welcomed here, even if you want to accuse me of being a bloviating poppinjay. (Big smooches if anyone knows where that came from...)

Labor Day

Have you ever made a complete and total ass of yourself? No? OK, good, I was pretty sure I'm the only one who has...

I have spent this Labor Day torn between two activities: watching Hurricane Gustav news and updates like I watched on 9/11 (i.e., obsessively) and laboring over something in my heart.

I'm relieved that Gustav turned out to not be Katrina Part Deaux. (Would that be Katrina, Jr.? Can females be, "Jr.'s?" Who can know...) I think the next few days will be interesting as damage assessments begin to filter in and we get a better picture of actual damage done to the coast. Here's hoping that everyone will continue to do the right thing...

The other activity has consumed both my conscious and subconscious thoughts. It affected my dream last night that woke me with a start and left me with a sour taste in my mouth for most of the day. I know that the person against whom I have sinned does not read my blog; nonetheless, it wouldn't be appropriate to give the gory details thereof. Mainly, it would make me look like a major jerk, but the details are personal, so there you have it.

I knew, before I said the offending sentence, that what I was about to say was waaaaay out of line. I knew that it was going to end up being hurtful, even though I really didn't want to hurt this person. What I really wanted to do was underscore a point I was trying to make that this individual just didn't quite get, and I was getting fed up of trying to be reasonable. I was trying to get their attention and get them to see how frustrating this whole situation was. What resulted was me saying something terrible that cannot be taken back.

Have you ever experienced that minute pause in time when you felt it, where you formed the thought, it traveled to your mouth and rolled in the air between your soft palate and your tongue, which stood poised to project the evil thought into audible history? That split second where your conscience (a.k.a. the Holy Spirit) caught your breath before you pushed right past it in an effort to get your attention before you made a wound that would leave a scar behind, even if it healed?

I plunged right on past all the flashing signals and red lights into a terrible thing to say, and I can't take it back. I didn't really mean it, but it's been said.

I've gone back and replayed this in my mind, from start to finish. The conversation started innocently enough, but once it took a turn, the horses were out of the gate, and there was no stopping them. I apologized yesterday for what I said, and I feel the need to reaffirm my regrets now that I've had a chance to reflect. I don't expect this person forgave me yesterday, and quite frankly I don't know that they ever will. Now I've created this ugly space in the relationship that will bug me for months to come.

A friend of mine from FT Polk introduced this verse to me that I used to lay claim to almost daily, and I think, in light of last night's turn of events, it's worth revisiting:

"Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips." -- Psalm 141:3

The whole psalm is good, but this verse is perfect for those of us who suffer from verbal diarrhea. It's Pepto Bismol for the soul, I guess. (Oh dear, that's just foul!)

Something I've learned about myself through all this is that I'm a selfish, sinful person. I expect everyone I know to care about me, to care about what's going on in my life, my opinions and views on things, help me to think out or solve my problems, etc. I, in turn, want to be there for them. I want to know about what matters to my friends and loved ones, what touches them, what makes them cry, what they struggle with, the tedious details of their everyday lives. Not everyone likes or appreciates a psychostalker friend who acts this way; it's high maintenance. And I've also noticed that I'm not a person that people turn to when they are in need, and that breaks my heart. I've got to be the kind of friend I want to have, but I can't go around pretending I'm someone I'm really not. God has given me certain gifts and sensitivities that others may not have.

I may have jeorpardized this relationship for one stupid collection of words. I know I can ask forgiveness from God and that the sin will be wiped away, but I feel like the penance for consciously stepping outside the boundaries of grace-full living is paid a thousand times over in my heart...