Year Six

I remember so many things about T. and our family as it was six years ago so clearly, and yet there are many memories that have faded like construction paper figures in a sunny window. I get through the year with relative ease and have even found happiness and joy in Thanksgiving once again. However, this year the days have aligned to be on the same days of the week as they were the year T. died, and for some reason that has made a difference to my heart. Today I just want to pause the day so that R. and the kids will stay at school and work a little longer just to give me time to be still and quiet in the house. You would think that six years later things are easier. In some ways maybe they are. I’m starting to think that in many ways this grief journey will be woven into the path I’m on for the rest of my life.

I remember I had just bought the new MercyMe Christmas album that year, and I was so moved by the last song, “Joseph’s Lullaby.” We naturally think so much about mothers during pregnancy and childbirth, and Mary definitely is the focus of plenty of contemplation. What I loved then and still love about this song is the tenderness I hear in the words of a father to his infant son. In this case, Joseph knows that the little man in his arms is no ordinary baby, but aren’t all children little miracles? As I was listening to this song today, I held Baby S. in my arms as I rocked her to sleep for a much-protested nap. Her little blue eyes sparkled up at me as she reached a plump hand toward my face to touch my chin. I remembered Li’l G and Bud being this age and how long ago it feels it was since they were so little. And my heart just broke anew.

In the song, Joseph tells Baby Jesus, “Go to sleep, my son…You’ve got a long road before You, just rest Your weary head… Does the Father guard Your heart for now so You can sleep tonight?” I think of Bud, just nine months old when T. slipped away into Glory. I’ve always felt such a heavy burden for him and Li’l G, but especially him. I remember his sweet, chubby cheeks, his adorable mischevious smile. So sweet and innocent, so happy and trusting. He has had such a long road before him ever since he was such a little guy. In many ways I feel like he was robbed of having a normal life when all this happened. How would Bud ever know the love and nurturing of a father? Who would love him and dote over him, guide him down the road of life and help mold him into a man? Who would know what a precious little boy he is and be able to love him through the times growing up when he will be hard to love? Bud lost more than he could know when T. died.

Something I overlooked until recently is how beautifully this song parallels my own life. As much heartbreak and longing I feel when I hear this song, there is promise and hope in it as well. Joseph walked into such an awkward situation with Mary and Jesus, and yet God knew what He was doing when He set this plan in motion. No other man but Joseph would love Jesus as his own. No other man but Joseph would look down on this little man and see his own son in Jesus. No other man but Joseph would have tenderness in his heart for a child he did not help conceive. And yet, the words to this song reflect the sentiments of a man who will raise Jesus as his own son, be there to father him and care for him without reservation or hesitation. And in the words of Joseph I hear the voice of R. singing over Bud.

Why, God? Why was all of this allowed to happen? I can’t imagine my life without any of the people in it who have been in it in the past and who are in it now as I daily greet my future. I cling to them all with a ferocity that burns in my heart and sends hot tears streaming down my cheeks. This confuses me, destroys me, encourages me, and uplifts me all at the same time. No matter how many years pass by since the last time I heard T.’s voice, I will still never quite recover from the trauma of having him ripped from our lives. The hole will always be there even though the edges are less frayed and jagged with time. I will always have bitter tears for my children’s loss and what this meant for them. But alongside it I will always be wrapped in the tender, doting love that R. brings to my life and the fullness of life I enjoy again as a result of God bringing him into my life. I will always hear the song of a loving father being sung from the heart of R. over Li’l G and Bud, a song that no one else but he could sing. And in the sparkling eyes of my Jeremiah 29:11 baby I will always see God’s promise to be El Roi, the God Who Sees, in my life -- the promise of never walking away, of never turning a deaf ear towards me, of counting each tear my heart has cried along the way and holding them in the palm of His hand.

So I will mark, during the hustle and bustle as well as the quiet still moments, the two days that changed me forever. I will cry, remember, smile, and finally emerge exhausted by the range of emotions I go through each time November 30 rolls around. I will treasure the memories I have, faded though some may be. They will be pasted into the collage of my life with the vibrant colors of my present and the not-yet-defined colors that await me in the future. And so will pass another year.

Looking Behind, Forward, and Within

So I meant to write a sort of "2010 in review" type blog on New Year's Eve, but things were crazy busy as we were preparing to have friends over to help us ring in 2011. I want to put 2010 on the shelf and open up the books on 2011, so let's take a stroll down Amnesia Lane, shall we?

LOOKING BEHIND -- 2010

1. Natural Disasters. 2010 was a hallmark year for Mother Nature, don't you think? The earthquake that hit Haiti almost a year ago is still big news as cholera and hurricanes pummel this forlorn place. There have been equally beautiful and disgusting stories that have emerged from Haiti, and I for one hope that God spares these people for a few generations. Wow.

Not too long after that we had other major earthquakes that threatened places like Hawai'i with tsunamis half a world away, that crazy volcano erupted in Iceland and threw air travel amuck, and then, as if Louisiana hasn't been smacked around enough, the Deepwater Horizon oil well began belching crude into the Gulf of Mexico. I don't think the human mind can actually comprehend numbers over about 100 or 200 sometimes. Just to think about the amount of water in the Gulf of Mexico is completely mind numbing, but to think about the volume of oil lost in the Gulf -- and the potential revenue at the gas pump -- also blows my cogs asunder. And as much as Hollywood loves to put depressing songs to video clips of oil-drenched pelicans and scold us for not being greener, I think the only people with a real grasp of what this oil spill really means for this ecosystem are the scientists. People, the real horror has probably not even yet begun.

2. H1N1. Remember when we were all worried about this? And all of a sudden there was a shortage of vaccines? I think the scariest part was the number of school aged children who actually died as a result of this virus. As a parent, it is so scary when your kids get something like a virus. You have to wait for some of these things to run their course, and I do not care for things I cannot control. Bud actually got H1N1, but we caught it in time and he did not develop some of the scary symptoms that others had. Close enough of a call for me!

3. Major sports events. Uh, were there Olympics last year? I remember, as a kid, this was such a big deal. I really don't remember this even being on last year. Apparently they were in Canada, which could explain it. I don't keep up much with Canada I guess. Add to that list the World Cup, which apparently took place in Africa. All I remember was people complaining about vuvuzelas and an octopus that was consistently picking the winners of matches. Guess I don't keep up with Africa, either.

4. Facebook. HELLO! This is something with which I have some knowledge! Finally! Facebook has been around since 2004, but it really seemed to reach its stride this year. Anyone who's anyone has a Facebook page. Even businesses are utilizing this as a way to promote themselves. I think it is nothing short of a miracle, although I can certainly understand how it can be used for negative purposes. In my life, it has been a significant blessing. People who are near and dear to me would otherwise be lost to the world of military moves and scattered to the four winds, possibly never to be heard from again. To be able to keep in touch with great friends, keep family updated with pictures of the kids, and to reconnect with people I haven't seen or heard from in years has been such a blessing to me. If this site were to ever disappear, I cannot imagine how heartbreaking that would be to be reduced to trying to scramble for all those email addresses or *gasps* snail mail addresses. Oh yeah, and add iPhone 4 and iPad to this list of amazing technology.

5. Lady GaGa, Justin Beiber, Snooki, et. al. Seriously?

6. The Hashtag (#). What the heck is this all about? Everyone does it. Why? I'm thinking I could live without this.

7. Personal life changes. Geez, where do I even start?!? I thought 2005 was a hallmark year of change for my family and me. I'm starting to think that year was easy compared to 2010. Given, I went through a devasating loss in 2005, but when you just look at pure stressors in life, death of a spouse or child is the top human stressor, and marriage is only six steps down. Amazing! 2010 held for me planning a wedding and getting married, buying a house and moving to a part of the country in which I had never been before, buying a new car and making the 2400 mile trek to said house by myself with the kids, getting pregnant and having a miscarriage (and this story has continued to evolve), trying to adjust to being married, getting a dog, and attempting to figure out who I am at this stage in life. All I know is that, even as much as the good Lord has thrown at me and as much as I prayed that would, in fact, be thrown at me, somehow I've survived with a generally positive outlook. I am completely convinced that I have been borne on wings of prayer by my friends and family, who have never wavered in their love and support for my family and me and without whom my life would be incomplete.

ENOUGH OF 2010! Let's peek ahead at 2011 and what's going on in my world:

1. TDY and deployment. It's a necessary evil in the lives of military personnel and their families. I know we will see our fair share, and all I can say is the sooner we get it started the sooner it is over. It seems like there's a constant revolving door of friends whose spouses are getting ready to go, those who are in the middle of deployment, and those who are cleaning their houses and shaving their legs on their way out the door to welcome someone home. At least this is one aspect of life that never seems to change.

2. Backpacking Through Joshua. I have signed up for an online study written by none other than HisGirl. I pray that I will have the discipline to see this study through. It is a long study but seems to be broken up into quite manageable segments. I'll say this -- there is no foreseeable good reason why I should not be able to make this a priority and learn and grow immensely from it. But isn't this a little like purchasing a gym membership before the new year? They say that it takes a month to form a habit, and I can tell you from experience it can take about 48 hours to destroy a good habit. The only person here who can keep me motivated to uphold my commitment is the Almighty. I know and trust that there are some serious blessings waiting to be had if only I will trust and obey.

3. Simplify. I have this intuition that this is going to be a do-or-die situation for me. I am tired of living life feeling like I'm running late, doing things just barely in time, only "making ends meet". The house we live in is large (for me), but not so large that I feel like it's worth the money to have someone come in to clean on a regular basis. I know I wrote as recently as last November about wanting to be like Abigail or the Proverbs 31 woman, and I know that's a tall order for any woman. All I want is for my countertops to be uncluttered, the bills to be paid and the laundry done, the bathrooms to be clean, the floors to be clean, and meals to be homecooked, nutritious, and easy to make and clean up. I want our closets to be full but not bursting, our pantry to be well-stocked but not have so much junk that it's falling off the shelves, and there to be systems of organization that are easy for every member of the family to be responsible to keep up with and not just me coming behind them all after they depart for the day's battles. What good is organization if it's not easy enough to do on a daily basis? As we hope to grow our family from a family of four to five or maybe even six, we've got to do more with less. Less stuff, less time, less money. Maybe I should add the word "efficiency" to "simplify".

4. Time to look inward. This is really an extension of numbers two and three. I want to be involved less out of the home and more in the home. I will be involved in the online Bible study, as well as my usual PWOC study commitment. I love to read but never have time to finish anything. I've decided that changes.effective.immediately. There is a book club I plan on joining this month, and I'm reading, "The Disappearing Spoon And Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World From the Periodic Table of the Elements," by Sam Kean. Looks crazy cool. I will still be involved in PWOC and volunteer at the kids' school, but other than that I want to have a cozy place to sit down with a book, a guitar, or a computer keyboard. Or better yet get out when the weather begins to change and get my garden up and running. Either way, I desperately need the pace to be slower this year.

5. Something big is brewing... I think I'm going to leave this as a teaser, but I can guarantee you that, when it makes its appearance, it will be BIG. At least, the first two were... Hmmmm...

I leave you now with the verse for 1 JAN on my eternal calendar, a great reminder to start each and every year with. Many blessings to you and yours for 2011!

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " -- Jeremiah 29:11

Where Has The Time Gone?

Today is the second day of the new school year. We are still running on the adrenaline rush brought on by the intoxicating smell of new sneakers, crayons, and freshly sharpened pencils. After the near-fiasco of our bus forgetting our stop and having to come back for the children yesterday, routines are beginning to establish in the minds of students, parents, and teachers alike. Bud is entering Kindergarten this year and had a half day yesterday, but he is full-time as of today. Li'l G is a sophisticated second grader now, having breezed through two years of school already. Faster than we could get our cameras out of our pockets this morning, when the big, yellow bus heaved to a stop in front of us, the kids whooped, hollered, cheered, and peeled out to run and claim the best seat on the bus, leaving a crowd of parents waving and cheering them on. Today was Bud's first day on the bus. This is the child that has always been apprehensive and teary-eyed for the first week of school every year so far, but this time, he didn't even look back. No hint of hesitation, no smooch good-bye. Nothin' but dust coming up from the trail he blazed onto the bus, like the roadrunner getting away from Wile E. Coyote. Who are these children, and what have they done with Bud and Li'l G?!?!?

These are the children I remember...

NOT these!...

(Sorry about the sleepy pregnant lady in the third picture. She's not "showing", she's just preparing her fat reserves for breast feeding... yeah... )

As I came back in the house from my jog with R. after the kids left for school, I sat down to blog about this bewildering experience I had just had, incredulous that we have finally reached such a milestone in our lives. What will actually go on on that bus? Will my children make friends? Will they be the type of friend a friend would like to have? We've been doing devotions together each night and been talking a lot about prayer and how God is always with us and will always be there to listen to us. Will they remember these things when they are fearful or anxious? Will Bud remember our devotion last night about honesty? (a very timely lesson for him) As all these things are piling up on my mental scratch pad as I perch in front of the computer, I begin to peruse the digital files for the right pictures to translate from my heart to the readers this mother's experience. Then, of course, I would happen across pictures like this:

Indeed, I ask, "Where has the time gone?" It seems like only yesterday I had two children in diapers whose only joy in life was to snuggle with their parents and watch "Blues Clues". Now I have these much taller, diaperless people who ride bikes without training wheels, tie their own shoes, and have opinions about pretty much anything and everything. These precious years, trying and tragic though they have been at times, have been no less beautiful and sacred to me. I only wish I had savored them more.

With the previously-mentioned upcoming addition to the family due to arrive next spring, I am even more keenly aware that we must not take these experiences for granted or be in a hurry to push on to the next stage in life. Just as quickly as these babies were born and learned to walk, they will grow up and leave the safety of home and want to embark on their own adventures even further away from my arms' reach. And just as we have been learning in our devotions, thankfully there is nowhere where my family can go where God -- and my love -- is not constantly present with them.

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." -- Proverbs 22:5

The Changing of the Seasons

Ever feel like you've sailing along in life and then, all of a sudden, notice that you had a massive shifting of the very ground under your feet? Almost like the kind of earthquake that can completely alter the path of a mighty river or change the polarity of the earth. I knew that this summer would bring about such changes for myself and my family, but I had no way of truly knowing just how different things would be -- and just how different I would be -- by the time the summer began to wind down and we could finally see the start of school and fall on the horizon.

Let me give you a head-spinning timeline so you can see what I've been up to instead of blogging: got married, bought a house, packed up my children and all of our belongings, drove the 2400 miles to our new home, visited R. a couple of times in yet another state while he was working there, settled two separate households-worth of belongings into our new home, got pregnant (!!!), have kids settled into extracurricular activities, been "church shopping", and now R. is home for good. In five months time I went from being a widow and single parent to being an Army wife (again), with kids who seem to have grown up overnight and trying to figure out what being pregnant in my mid-30s is going to be like.

Don't think for a minute I haven't been blogging in my heart this whole time. I have some incredibly precious memories from this summer. My family all gathered for a goodbye meal just before we struck out on our transcontinental drive. Despite how extended family can make you happy and crazy at the same time, I realized as I looked at each smiling face what an important part these people have played in making me who I am, how they have supported my family through thick and thin, how they have grieved alongside me through the really hard stuff. To top it off, my grandmother, recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's, who has struggled with significant health issues over the last year, spoke those blessed words from Numbers 6:24-26 to me as we were preparing to depart. It has been particularly hard to leave her because I know that it could be the last time I lay eyes on her this side of eternity. While I understand that as an adult, the child in me sees my grandmother and doesn't want to let her go. I know as a Christian that this world is not our true home, and if anyone longs for her true home it is most definitely my grandmother, but thinking about my world without her voice, her smile, her laughter in it just shatters me. (As I write this she is actually doing just fine, praise God!)

Leaving my church was no cakewalk, either. I was blessed with the opportunity to serve in so many unique ways with this body of believers. There were so many times when I felt out of place or exasperated with some of the painful things going on there. But through it all, as much as I considered tapping out sometimes, it was God working through some of the people there that sustained me in ways I am only just now realizing and appreciating. Similarly, the friends we visited along our journey are some of the most precious ones I've ever made, and while I have always appreciated how they have gone out of their way to love me through thick and thin, I think I love most how they are so steadfast, unchanging in their friendship and support across the years and the miles. They are all truly Godly women that I adore and admire so much.



I think I have most enjoyed spending time with my children this summer. They are at an age now that they are fun to hang out with AND they still want to be around us! From the long road trip and all of the cool sideshows along the way, to learning how to ride bikes without training wheels and swimming, I have noticed that we've moved to a new season in childhood for them, too. With Bud starting Kindgergarten this year and Li'l G in second grade, they will both be off on the bus each day, off on their own adventures. It makes me miss them being little and needing me more. Their need of me doesn't go away, of course, but it changes as they grow and mature. I think I would rather take the needs of diapers and naps over boy-crazy friends and playground politics, thank you very much, but I digress...

As I was unpacking and putting R.'s things away, my thoughts drifted back to a day that seemed as though it had taken place in another life. I was remembering the day I left the housing quarters I had shared with my late husband and deciding what to do with his socks as I was supposed to be finding room for all of my new husband's clothes in the home we now share. Words escape me to properly describe the feelings flooding through my heart and mind as I thought about what I was doing, what it meant, the path my life had been on to get me from Point A to Point B. There are some days where I literally feel as though I could be living someone else's life, or am dreaming. Don't get me wrong -- we have a very human marriage, very human children, etc., but for me to hear this man introduce me as his wife, to hear the children scream, "Daddy!" at the top of their lungs when he walks in the door, nearly sucks the air out of my lungs each time I hear it. To really contemplate how God has blessed my family and me leaves me breathless.

As amazing as all this is, I can't help but feeling kinda lost somedays. Isn't that weird? I think it is. I know that some of it has to do with the dangerous levels of hormones coursing through my veins these days. "Who am I?" is a question I consider many days. I knew who I was back when I was T.'s widow. But now I add to that identity R.'s wife. My status as a mom has not changed (regardless of what TRICARE says, but that's a whole other story), but now we're having another baby. How will this pregnancy go? What will the family dynamic be like once #3 gets here? Will this baby be healthy? Will I miscarry? I've never been pregnant in my 30s, and things feel a little different this time around, but not too bad. How will my energy hold out for Li'l G and Bud as I progress? Where, oh WHERE will we go to church? Where is the right group with which we will worship? Will PWOC work out this year? Will I ever get to be on a praise band again?...ad nauseum...

Overall I'm not terribly worried about all these questions. I trust that God will answer them in time. Or not, which is in itself an answer. I don't like uncertainty in my life; then again, who does? So many things have changed in our lives in such a short amount of time. Everything I had figured out about who I was and the world around me has been flip-turned upside-down, and once again I find myself untangling the proverbial knot of coat hangers that have been jumbled together after the move. I do know that God created me to exist in community with others, so I am most anxious to find a church home and make new friends. Other than that, I just want to sit back and savor this changing of seasons, in my family, in my heart, in my home, and take it all in.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." -- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8