Where Has The Time Gone?!?

I had all these grand intentions of blogging each step of the way about planning our upcoming wedding (33 days away, in case you're wondering just how "upcoming" it really is). I would reflect meaningfully about the events of my life, how amazing love is, how God has been so faithful to me, etc. REALITY CHECK: life happens! While I have been mentally blogging every step of the way, I have spent almost no time in front of my computer in months. At this point I'm sure I'm going to post this and will hang out in cyberspace fairly unread because the faithful readers I once had have moved on for other bloggy sustenance. So, if you're still out there, I'll drop a few lines about some of the flotsam and jetsam in my mind these days.

THE SUPER BOWL

I was not a fan of either team going into it, but I was glad the underdog team won. Some of the commercials were great; others were just a flop. Am I the only one who noticed the surge of testosterone in these ads?!? Apparently all the "whipped" men of America decided to unite last night. Hope their liberation movement goes well for them. Good grief! And the Tebow/Focus on the Family pro-life commercial was beyond anti-climactic. Personally I don't think the Super Bowl is the best platform for crucial social issues, but you have to agree that it is the one time when you will have a bajillion eyeballs consuming your commercial. I fully expect to see a pro-choice commercial next year. Eh, all in all, it was just another excuse to eat for me.

HAITI

Could this situation be any more heartbreaking? And just when I hear some amazing story emerging from the desolation there, I hear three other stories that sound like things are not headed in the positive direction we'd like to think it is. I have a FaceBook friend who is a fierce advocate for children and adoption, and I have really appreciated some of the information and articles she has found to link to that is shedding more information on this crisis situation in Haiti. The whole missionairies/child trafficking situation sounds like a complete nightmare. I imagine it will be literally impossible to say whether these kids were rounded up legitimately or not. If, indeed, these people are on the up-and-up, then you just wish someone in the legal system would put down their gavel and tell everyone, "No shit, these kids need families who will love and care for them, like, yesterday. Make it so, Number One." Why must matters of survival be left up to the court systems in times like this? Can't we design some kind of expedited process for the important cases to use? And for the love of Pete, I think we need to come up with some kind of international law that is acceptable to every nation so that Americans are not tried under laws of other countries and vice-versa. I know this will never happen, and I hate to know what this would mean for criminals like terrorists, but honestly, there just has to be a better way, folks.

On a different subject, I just read an AP story today about the dire need for psychologists in Haiti. The point someone made that resonated with me was that they didn't need scads of volunteers coming in who didn't speak the language or didn't know anything about the culture. Haitian officials were looking into local Carribbean French-speaking countries for resources. THIS is what we need to see going on! I love the fact that they are not simply relying on the UN or USA to meet every need. And as well-meaning as we Americans are, there are many ways in which our support is best experienced through other resources. We can't solve every problem with a benefit concert and volunteers out the wazoo. The Haitians are going to survive because they are resilient and resourceful. This is a country that gets kicked almost every time it tries to stand up, and yet they don't quit. Makes me feel pretty spoiled rotten and soft.

ANDERSON COOPER

He's gay?!? Man, I would've never known. Not that it matters. I just hate being the last one to know any piece of information.

SCUBA DIVING

So I've been working my buns off the last two weeks or so earning my certification as an open water diver. R. and I are going to honeymoon on an island where there will be ample opportunities to dive, and as he has more certifications and ratings than I can remember, I thought it would be something we could do on the honeymoon. I know this is one of his most favorite recreational activities, and he has not had the chance to do it much over the last five years or so. I began the classes without any prompting from him, but I still think he owes me big time for taking this on! I have had to address almost every mortal fear I have in order to be able to scuba on our honeymoon. We did our first open water dive in a spring-fed lake a short distance from my home last week. It was mind-numbing cold outside, but a crisp 71 degrees in the water. I think I would've enjoyed it more if both the air and water temperatures had been warmer. Overall it was a cool experience. BUT! Upon first entering the water, I nearly soiled myself. See, they had briefed us on what we would see in the designated diving area. I knew what to expect to a certain degree. I knew some things would just look creepy underwater, and I wasn't let down. But I knew it was there -- that's the difference. As I'm swimming out to this platform to demonstrate my snorkel skills, I glance out of the diving area to the open water. Rising up from the floor of the lake like the dang Titanic was a sunken submarine, about 20 feet tall. It was covered with vegetation. OH MY LORD! I nearly had a stroke. I am completely terrified of wrecks and things like that under the water. Reefs, animals, and so on do not bother me. Man-made objects that are not supposed to sink that are lurking under the water with sharp things pointing at me do bother me. I'd say that was the only bad part of the dive.

I have to say, every now and then I have these dreams where I can breathe underwater naturally. This is the closest I will ever get to actually having that dream come true. That part of it is pretty cool. I am a little concerned about going much deeper than about 20 feet, though, and I know R. will want to go as deep as possible. We'll see how it goes.

THE WEDDING DRESS

Oh man. I have the dress to end all dresses. This is a big deal to me and most other women. Men, on the other hand, could usually care less what they wear to a wedding. They want the ceremony to be short, the reception to be a big bash, and to get the goods after the reception, *wink, wink*. I'm sure the guests enjoy the reception more than the wedding. For me, I'm the other way around, but then again, I love planning worship services and music. I digress...

If I may be so bold, I would risk assuming that many women are like me in that a wedding dress immediately pops in their mind when someone tells them that they're getting married. Many of us, myself included, woke up at O-Dark:30 back in the '80s to see Princesses Diana and Fergie marry their royal princes, and we swooned when we saw them in their demure bridal splendor. OK, when we saw demure Diana. Fergie was more like a walking comedy show, but again, I digress. Bottom line, the dress is a big deal.

I actually bought and ordered my dress about two weeks prior to being engaged (long story -- don't ask). My sister and I had about one weekend between Halloween and Christmas to get together, and since she lives several hours away, I wanted to make a point to be able to share some kind of wedding-preparation moment with her. In the end, I found a dress I loved and realized that I would have to rush-order it to get it here in time for a spring wedding. It's a lucky thing everything worked out the way it did. I picked up the dress this weekend and will have bridal pictures with S4J next weekend.

The day I chose the dress was exhilarating. The mother and daughter that own the shop, Bridal Collections by Stella, are these adorable, amazing Brits who immediately make you feel like a family member. Only after my sister and I are celebrating the day over margaritas does it really hit me what I've just done. Realization No. 1: I, a widow of four years, have just bought a wedding dress. I, a woman who wondered if this second chance would come around for me, have found a man who loves and adores not only me but my children. T. himself said he wanted me to remarry if anything should ever happen to him, and as much as I feel guilty or torn sometimes, he mercifully set me free of that burden, unaware of how badly I would need it when the right time came. As I was trying on lovely white dresses that day, all I could see in my mind was R. in his uniform in the church we had already picked out, the flowers in the room, the children standing there by our sides as our friends and family melting into the background as we say our vows, time standing still just for us. It was only after living in that moment did its gravity truly hit me.

When I went for my fitting, my mom, sister, and a dear childhood friend came along with me. It was a fun time for people to gather, reminisce, and get in on wedding stuff. However, last weekend it just worked out that I would run up to the shop to pick up the dress by myself. And it's a good thing I did.

I was breathless.

First of all, this dress leaves NOTHING to the imagination. Form fitting doesn't do it justice. Yet it's so lovely, not slutty or slinky at all. Just very feminine. I was initially breathless because the darn thing fits so snugly. Let's all agree to pray I can still fit into it in 33 days!

Secondly, when I stepped in front of the mirror, I realized: This is my wedding dress. There are many like it, but this one is mine. After the alterations, this dress will fit no one else in the world but me. Like a fingerprint or the inside of a shoe that has been worn several times, it is unique. It turned out better than I could have ever dreamt. Then came Realization No. 2:

Never take love for granted.

As happens once the new wears off any marriage, or after a baby is grown up and walking around your house tearing things up or is in middle school and being completely obnoxious, it's easy to forget the value of that love. It is utterly priceless. Even as Christians, we forget the passion of a newly-washed soul and how Christ's love first affected every ounce of our being.

I remember a picture our photographer took of T. and me just after we walked down the aisle as newlyweds. We were ecstatic and high-fiving each other in the narthex, ready to get to the reception and get on with the next adventure in life. We were young, in love, had our lives ahead of us, and we had just gotten married. And then, in a matter of seconds, that love became a memory, a shadow in my life, something that left my world altered, broken, and floundering. Even as I evolved and grew through this experience and decided to venture into love again, it was every bit exciting and frightening. I had to consciously choose to keep walking forward and to keep my momentum. I know everyone who knows me will think this is so ridiculous -- I've always been the one who is driven once I set my mind to something. Especially when it comes to R., I've known how I felt about him for what seems like ages. But even as much as I love him and he is the one for me, deep wounds are not quick to heal, and to force them to hurry up and heal is like putting on socks over nail polish that only appears to be dry. It's gonna get all jacked up and you're gonna have to start all over to do it right. It's worth taking the time to do it right.

Once back in the dressing room, I took the dress on and felt like a dirty, ragged Cinderella looking at the dress her fairy godmother (Stella) had placed in her arms. Why me? How did this wonderful thing ever come to be? I have certainly done nothing to deserve love like I have found in R. The heavy, smooth satin and delicate organza seemed to be reminding me that the difference between me then and me now is that this time is very intentional, and great care should always be taken to appreciate love when and where you find it. We are lucky to find such a love even once in our lives, much less twice. It simply must be praised over and nurtured and not taken for granted.

RECONNECTION

I know this has gotten long, but I would be remiss if I didn't mention the amazing thing that has been happening throughout the planning process of preparing for our wedding day. I have had numerous occasions to reconnect with friends that I haven't seen in 5-10 years, all in the name of various wedding activities. Sure, it's fun to shop for a dress or have a shower thrown for you, but the time I have spent with these precious people has moved me to tears. I feel as though God is allowing this time to prepare me for whatever step comes next. This is actually quite frightening for me, because the last time amazing things like this were going on was weeks before T. died. At any rate, it has been time well spent, and it has made an otherwise crazy and hectic time so beautiful and sweet. I have made new friends along the way from scuba diving and reconnected with old ones, too. This just couldn't get any better!

I will leave you with the song I have chosen to be played at the wedding during the lighting of our unity candle. It, too, leaves me breathless. It is, "Love Never Fails," by Brandon Heath.