Backpacking Through Joshua: Week Three

I'm tired and my face hurts. (Pregnancy-induced cystic acne. I hate it.) My son hasn't been to school in two weeks between personal illness and snow days called by the local school district. I've had out of state company for five days this week. I'm exhausted. But I will post for Week Three if it's the last thing I do! (covers head and waits for lightning to strike)

I seriously considered just doing the reading and not posting anything for this week for all of the above reasons, and then some. But after reading Joshua 3 and the "Putting It Out There" questions, I realized, This is easy -- I got this! The only problem will be limiting this to a bazillion words or less... I'm super excited about the questions, the answers that I have to give, and better yet the glaring proof in the pudding that is the Joshua 3 text. Let's dive in.

"Putting It Out There" Questions:

1) Are there some areas in your life in which you allow God to lead more than others?

2) Tell of a time you followed God's lead into an unfamiliar territory. If you don't have particular experience, talk about why you think that may be.

Oh man... rubs hands together Mr. Miyagi-style...

1) This is a hard question to answer. I'd love to say, "I live my life in complete submission to the Gospel and to God's will for my life." Even if that were true, I'm not even sure I would know if it actually was the truth. Being such a tightly-wound, Type A personality, it's hard to allow God to lead me. I've actually struggled with this for much of my life, but more intentionally over the last six or seven years. I earnestly pray and try to allow God to lead in areas of decision making. This can be tricky in my marriage, but I also understand that I am to treat my husband as a Christian husband regardless of whether he is or not (i.e., we are not praying together over a decision, but I am definitely praying over the decision to be made and how we will come together to make it, if it's a situation that involves both of us). I am very excited and driven when it comes to music ministry. I have to slap myself with the humble stick on a regular basis to remind myself that a) this gift is not mine to own but is a blessing from God and is God's to use, and b) if it becomes about me, my interests, my "territory", things have gone way off track and I need to step back, humble myself, and refocus on Who, why, etc. Those two areas seem rather broad, but those are really the parts of my life that are the most apt to derail away from God. I am constantly trying to keep myself in check so that I don't find myself trying to take the reins away from God and act like I have a clue of how to run the show, so to speak.

2) Here's the question I've been waiting for!

First of all, Joshua 3 is one of the examples of why I love to read the Old Testament. It is fraught with symbolism and ritual and outlandishly amazing examples of God's master plan unraveling in the history of the world. This is big-deal stuff, everybody!

Paraphrase: Joshua addresses the Israelites and says, "Get ready. You are going to be stepping out of the box -- again -- but the cool thing -- again -- is that God will be standing in front of you, and you are to physically walk behind God. Don't worry about the fact that you have no idea where you are going. You've got the God GPS fully charged and functioning. All you have to do is prepare yourselves and keep your eyes open. Let's go!"

How many times in our lives have we gone into unchartered territory in our lives? How many times have we prayed, cried out, worried, fretted, prayed some more, consulted wise friends and family, prayed a little more, and then stepped a little toe in the direction we thought we were supposed to go? Was God behind this choice? Sure hope so. Sure think so. I mean, I prayed about it, right? But is this one of those situations where God says yes, no, or remains silent? Can someone please just tell me what to do?!? Or maybe your reaction is one of, "Never mind! Forget it! This is too hard/weird/uncomfortable/etc. I'm staying right.where.I.am."

Can I admit something? I just want to say that I'm jealous of the Israelites. They knew they were on a journey of extraordinary importance and that there was plenty of unchartered territory. But they had, in their belief, the physical presence of God walking directly in front of them. They were, essentially, walking in God's footsteps into the Promised Land just like I used to do as a kid. My dad and I would go on these wonderful long walks on my grandparents' farm through really tall grasses (tall for a kid who was probably only four feet tall). He would walk in front of me to make a path through the brush, grass, or thorny mesquite trees. All I had to do was put my foot on the exact same place where his had been, and I would have a perfectly clear passage through the central Texas wilderness. Joshua tells them, " 'When you see the ark of the covenant of the LORD your God being carried by the levitical priests, then you shall set out from your place. Follow it, so that you may know the way you should go, for you have not passed this way before...' Then Joshua said to the people, 'Sanctify yourselves; for tomorrow the LORD will do wonders among you.' " (Joshua 3:3-4a, 5; emphasis mine). The Israelites believed the God physically resided in the ark of the covenant, so this is a huge deal for them to have God leading the way so physically and symbolically.

Unfortunately, our lives are not quite this simple. We find ourselves in wildernesses or being forced to step out of the box, whether or not we want to. Almost like being shoved out of a door completely naked, only to realize you are on stage at Radio City Music Hall with the spotlight on you. This is soooo not where you want to be right now, but there is no door knob to turn and you have to stand there and deal with the situation in which you have found yourself.

My story is a long one, which I can relate in a later post because it really is worth telling, and no doubt many of you have heard it. In a nutshell, my unfamiliar territory came on November 29 and 30, 2005. That was the day my late husband, T., was involved in a motorcycle accident, and he died the following day. I was 29 years old. My daughter was 2 1/2, my son was 9 months old. We were given no choices. He suffered a ruptured carotid artery, the pressure in his brain soared, and he was gone. Just like that. Talk about a wilderness.

As overwhelming an experience as this was, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Everlasting God was present that day. There were no levitical priests carrying God in a box showing me how to handle myself, my grief, or anything like that. I just knew that I could collapse in the arms of the Father, and he would be there to catch me. In fact, God would take it a step further. God would carry me when I needed it, and when possible, God would prop me up on these shaky legs and encourage me to take baby steps on my own, much like we do with our kids when they learn to ride a bike without training wheels. I laid face down on a bathroom floor in LSU Medical Center in Shreveport, Louisiana, and my entire body and soul wept. I begged God to take this burden from me, not as I willed but as God willed. I begged God to take it from me because I could not bear it on my own. I somehow got up off that floor, faced the doctors calling time of death, brought my babies in to tell their dad good-bye, arranged the organ donations, and began the journey back to Fort Polk to begin the process of burying my husband and soul mate and figure out how to live a life without him. Every single day since then feels like unfamiliar territory. Then again, unfamiliar territory and existing outside of the box has begun to feel familiar to me. Regardless, I know that God has been here every step of the way, and as hard as it has been to follow, I fully appreciate and understand that there is truly no other way to handle it.

Favorite verse for Week Three: " '...Sanctify yourselves; for tomorrow the LORD will do wonders among you.' " -- Joshua 3:5

Backpacking Through Joshua: Week Two

I feel like I've waited until the eleventh hour to post this week, which is completely different from my involvement in Week One. I still have the enthusiasm to be involved, but between some traveling, kids being sick, and snow days, it has been near impossible to wipe my nose without someone needing something from me, much less sit down to really concentrate on what I've read and the questions posed for Week Two.

That being said, Week Two has been "weird" for me.

In a stunt very much unlike me, I have held off reading any other comments or postings from this week until I had time to pen my own. I get a lot out of hearing from others about how they reacted to a text, something they've experienced, or just thoughts in general about the subject matter, but this week I wanted to have my own pure, uninfluenced opinion hammered out before I engaged in any conversation.

Why is this such a big deal? Perhaps because I can see a lot of vulnerability in these questions. I spoke with a fellow student earlier about how I've been wrestling with this week's assignment and the questions because I cannot answer them in a way that isn't authentically "me" and feel good about my post. I also feel that this is a loaded area of Christian spirituality and application that has potential to cause polarity within groups of relatively like-minded people, and I have been on the receiving end of barbs tipped with points charged with scripture and emotion in regards to this area. I'm not really sure I want to open my mouth and get this started again.

But, warts and all, I am who I am. I am committed to putting things out there and wrestling with them fairly publicly, but I want any readers to know up front that these are my personal feelings and how I understand God to have been moving in my life. None of what I write here necessarily applies to others as a blanket statement, and what I think and how I understand God's instructions for me is constantly evolving over my lifetime. I am now and will always be a work in progress. If you are extremely conservative, fundamental, messianic, or some other group who has a very narrow interpretation of scripture, you might not like what you read here. Again, this is about me, coming from my perspective, and not meant to be condemning to others. If you read past here, don't say you weren't warned!

...hello... is anyone still out there?...

OK. I'm really not a monster or a spiritual freak of nature. Just know that I am the way I am. Now, let's move on!

First thing I want to say about Joshua 2 is that it was anticlimactic to me. I read this in both NKJV and NRSV and felt like there was an entire Hollywood movie that I missed. I think there was a lot of action going on that, for whatever reason, the author was not inspired by God to include. Bummer. However, what was there has really got my wheels turning.

Question: Why did the Israelite spies go to Rahab? Had they popped in for a quickie and got caught with their pants down? (Man, I crack myself up... that's really supposed to be OT humor, but I digress.) Seriously, though, why Rahab? Several resources say that she was conveniently located seeing as she lived along the wall near the gate. Has anyone ever been near a red light district or at least heard of them? Seen ladies sitting in the windows calling down to Johns? Of course she lived on the wall -- that was prime real estate for her. Location, location, location. Why Rahab and not some other madam? Why not a man, just some average guy who might help them out? Did they rush in because she sensed they were in danger, or were they already there for other reasons when things got dicey? The commentary in my NRSV Bible, The New Oxford Annotated Bible, says that it's not clear how they came to be there, but there is an innuendo or suggestion that it might've been for sexual favors. Furthermore, the Israelite camp from which they came was infamous for being where Israelite men met with Moabite women for "extracurricular activities," so we may never really know. (Interesting sidenote: they did not go on to complete the mission that Joshua sent them on but rather took Rahab's advice about hiding.) What is the point? The point is that God has in the past and continues today to do amazing things through some of the most unlikely people, and I personally believe that is "why Rahab". Does it irritate me that these men might've been there off task from their mission? Yes. Does even that keep God's will from being accomplished in the long run. No, praise the LORD. And not a one of those men (or woman) is more sinful than me, so case closed.

I love how God chose someone like Rahab to be involved in this drama. In the grand scheme of things, this was only one of many, many times there would be important battles fought, land conquered, and so on, but for some reason, she was important to have in the picture. We hear her mentioned in Hebrews 11:31, the only female mentioned by name in the litany of faithful believers listed to illustrate the point of living a faithful life, knowing that Jesus holds our reward at the finish line in heaven. She is also one of only four women listed in the lineage of Jesus in Matthew 1, which is a big deal scripturally speaking. So for some reason, we are meant to notice this woman and how God worked through her.

But still this contribution to the historical drama of Israel seems tiny; again, why is this one incident such a big deal? And clearly this woman was not a Christian. She talks about how all the Caananites hearts melted when they heard about what God's people had been able to do and begs for mercy because she knows which side is the right one to be on in this situation. She was a nonbeliever who acted in faith on what she knew about God, and it was accorded to her as righteousness in the annals of history... Hmm... interesting...

Then the questions for this week take a completely different turn because they talk about witnessing our faith through actions and living a life consistent with what we say we believe. I tried focusing on the word study for "worthy," but those of you who have heard me rant about certain words that are overused in reference to God will understand that I kinda petered out on that task. HisGirl mercifully helped me find an appropriate synonym, deserving. And as much as I prefer that word now, it's still kind of a no-brainer for me. Of course God is deserving of our love and adoration, deserving of a people who will be faithful to God's teachings, deserving of praise and thanks, and so on, ad infinitum.

Since this post is already long, I will cut right to the "Putting It Out There" Q&A:

1) Have you ever been influenced in either a positive or negative way concerning your relationship with Jesus? How does this influence your behaviour now?

2) How much responsibility do you think Christians have to live a particular way?

OK, ready or not, here I come...

1) In general, I'm going to say most of my influences have been positive. The first two people I think of are my mother and grandmother, giants in the faith in my life who are part of the reason I am who I am today and have exposed me to the love of Christ since I could probably understand my own name. There are countless others who have influenced me not by preaching or teaching, but by being examples to me of what it means to apply Christian beliefs into everyday living. These were not people who pontificated about alcohol or premarital sex. They were hard working, loving people who treated you like you were a Christian brother or sister, whether or not you really were. I think of the words, "kind," "gentle," and "compassionate" when I think about these people. There have been so many other precious friends along the way who have taught me so much about who God is and how to be open and receptive to a bona fide relationship with Christ that I know I would still be in the depths of despair were it not for these God-chosen, God-placed friendships. To list them all could take pages and pages, and I feel so blessed to be able to say that.

There have been a couple of negative influences along the way, of course. I think some of the experiences I've had, even fleeting ones, with extremely evangelical, conservative, fundamental churches or denominations have really hardened my heart toward many other Christians, which I find so sad and I know is not good. I hate that I feel that way, but if I'm really honest with myself, it's truly how I feel. The way I have seen scripture-based "righteous" hatred being handed out like tracts in an airport makes me angry and sick and, quite frankly, don't see how this conveys the love of Christ to anyone. It brings to mind the words in I John 4, especially vv. 11-12: "Beloved, since God loved us so much, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us." Another influence for better or worse was actually one that I never saw coming. Going through my two year training to be a parish lay minister exposed me to a lot of behind-the-scenes type church stuff as well as a lot of academic focus on faith, scripture and history. While this has opened up so many avenues of contemplation for me, it has almost crippled me as well. Sometimes I find myself longing for the day when I would read something, take it at face value, and have such a simple, unadulterated faith. I wish I could go back to that but I can't. It's like trying to pretend you never heard the truth about the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus. It has jaded me on some things but actually strengthened my core beliefs (I think) in some ways, so I guess that's been a mixed blessing.

Lastly, being married to a man who has vastly different religious, well, opinions (don't think he would call them beliefs) has been one of those positive and negative influences as well. To most Christians, they would say, "Yes, unequally yoked backslider, tell us more about this. Of course this is negative. You think there's something positive here? Sure, why don't you go ahead and share that???" OK, I will. Positives: In conversations where he has really put me to the test to articulate what I believe or what God says about certain things, there were many times when I knew what I wanted to say but lacked the right way to express it. Not being one to lay down a white flag or let someone else claim conversational victory (yes, I admit this is a huge, sinful pride issue at work here), these conversations really forced me to take a hard look at things and find answers for these questions that I could say that I believed 100%. If anything, he has inadvertently strengthened my resolve and helped me to get down to the basics of what/how I believe. Also, despite his feelings being so completely differently from mine, we all still attend church together, prayers and devotions are still done with the kids, and he openly supports decisions I have made about where to attend church, how I want to be involved (or the kids), and so on. I may be the one leading the march in the family, but he has always been committed to supporting me and has been unwavering on this, which blesses my heart so much. My late husband, a baptized Christian, was not near as supportive in this department, and while he had a deep, abiding faith that really amazed me at times, this was an area of that relationship which was neglected or even strongly discouraged, which I found oppressive emotionally. I finally feel like I have the freedom to respond to God's call without fear of reprimand or resentment, which is such a huge relief.

Negatives: I hate that I do not have a faith partner in him. There are many ways in which we struggle to understand each other because we are so different in how we function spiritually. HisGirl said that she really doesn't have anything in common with nonbelievers. On a certain level I can agree with that in my life, but I cannot agree 100%. I find that I have plenty in common with my husband (and other nonbelievers); however, when I try to see things through their eyes sometimes, I feel like we speak different languages. Something is lost in translation and I will never in a million years be able to wrap my mind about how they go about things or react to situations. I do not like that I cannot pray with him, nor can I ask him to pray for me. Oh, I pray for him constantly. Actually I've been praying for him for years before I even met him, but that's a different story altogether. If I was on my deathbed and I asked him to pray for me, would he? Maybe. I know he would tell me whatever I needed to hear to give me peace, but I don't know if he would follow through. If I was going through a cancer treatment and was scared to death and asked him to pray for me? Probably not, because he would tell you that God has nothing to do with the strength in my resolve to beat the disease and the amazing medical care I would receive. I hate that he will never understand me on a spiritual-cellular level because he just doesn't share my beliefs and these things are just as odd and foreign to him as he is to me in this area. Now, some of this could change with time. We dated for three years and then married in March 2010, so we are still relatively newlywed. Time -- and God -- will tell. In that I do have faith. I also have faith that this faith and belief given to me by God so that I can be a Christian servant of mankind cannot be taken away from me by the nonbelief of another human being. My husband, children, friends or neighbors could not remove this from my heart because to do so would be to disrupt the very DNA of who I am. I also do not believe foolishly that I can pray my husband into heaven or sway him into belief. My prayer is that God would continue to move in his life in real, tangible ways, just like God has so clearly moved in my life, and that my husband's heart would not be hardened to that experience and respond to God. If I truly believe in the power of prayer, that is the best way I can handle the situation.

2) I think you will have as many interpretations of this question and the "appropriate" answer as you have living, breathing humans who read it. My standard for living may exceed or be far inferior to that of other Christians. I almost don't know how to fairly answer this question. If you are a Christian and you cause others to work on the Sabbath, does that make you unobservant of the law? What about those who baptize infants? What about those denominations that rebaptize you when you join their church? What about people like me who marry someone whose faith is not identical to their own? What about Christians who consume caffeine or alcoholic beverages? Have had sex before marriage, even if was only with the person they ended up marrying?

I am reminded of one of the songs I learned in the Lutheran church as a child, "They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love." This song really captures the essence of living the Christian life for me. How will we be known? By the fruits we bear. By our love, by working side by side, by walking hand in hand. I strive to be one of those Christians who people will come up to and say, "What is it about you? There is something different about you, and I can't quite place it or wrap my mind around it..." I want people to see a flawed, real person who doesn't have the perfect marriage, perfect kids, or even a real idea of what she wants to be when she grows up but can say each and every day of her life that "the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new EVERY morning; GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS!!!" (Lamentations 3:22-23, emphasis mine). I want them to question, after all I've been through, how sick I am that I am still willing to stand up and proclaim that when the "normal" response would be to feel angry, bitter, self-righteous, etc. That is when the real conversation can begin on why I can say that, how I know Jesus personally, and to be able to share that kind of testimony with people is something that I consider a huge responsibility. To simply say that Christians must live a life that is consistent with what God says through the scriptures and to not do that is to not really be a Christian or is irresponsible, "unsaved" behaviour is a narrow view that I really question. I don't believe in tossing the Ten Commandments aside like they don't mean anything; however, I think my interpretation of how God wants me to conduct myself is a little different than some would appreciate, and trust me -- many just don't. I really don't want to slam how others feel that the Holy Spirit is leading them to focus and conduct their lives, but I really struggle with honoring opinions of others who use the blood of the Lamb as a line of demarcation in society.

Phew! That wasn't so bad, was it? :)

My favorite verse from Week Two: "For we have heard how the LORD dried up the water of the Red Sea before you when you came out of Egypt, and what you did to the two kings of the Amorites that were beyond the Jordan, to Sihon and Og, whom you utterly destroyed. As soon as we heard it, our hearts melted, and there there was no courage left in any of us because of you. The LORD your God is indeed God in heaven above and on earth below." -- Joshua 2:10-11

I'm Frustrated (Surprise)

I'm frustrated. Feeling out of whack, out of control, and I don't know what else. And I don't like it. I don't feel a rant coming on. I just don't know what I feel. Did I mention that I don't like this one bit?

There is a group of women with whom I am involved and to whom I feel somewhat responsible. My area of responsibility is music, which should come as no surprise. Many of you know that one of the joys of my life is to be involved with worship, be it at a church, PWOC, or in any venue where God places me to utilize this gift to reach people. It's a gift that I take seriously (perhaps too seriously?), and I will never just get up and "wing it" because I feel that is irresponsible behavior. To me, this is a first fruits issue. If I truly believe that God has blessed me with the gift of being able to play a musical instrument and lead worship, then I should also not be offering God and others sloppy seconds, just whatever I could throw together at the last minute. I want my offering to rise up as fragrant incense; I mean, is that so bad?

Yes and no.

Yes -- when it becomes a matter of perfection and performance. When it becomes about what my goals and dreams are. When it becomes songs that I just want to hear or like to play. When the focus is not on how God will reach out and touch hearts based on their interaction with the worship.

No -- when worship is presented for the right reasons. When things workout how they are supposed to, regardless of time, talent, or other possible limitations. When I can take myself out of the picture and see worship for what it really is: a sacrifice of praise, a holy offering, personal and corporate time spent further developing a relationship with the Almighty.

So why am I frustrated? Honestly today it has only a little to do with the music. What hurts my heart is that I see an opportunity to serve sisters in Christ that could be such a blessing -- it already is to those of us who attend, but it has so much potential to reach and bless so many more -- and obstacles coming up every time we turn around. There are days when I feel positive and optimistic about where things are going, and other days when I think, "Why do we bother? Why should I bother?"

Anybody who has attended a class, church service, etc., that takes place on a piece of property that is being loaned out or first-come-first-served or so on knows that you always need a contingency plan, and we seem to roll with punches pretty well when things like this come our way. What frustrates me is, I suppose, a matter of circumstances: we have had to push off our spring semester kickoff for the last two weeks, one due to illness and many members not being able to come, and the other due to local school district closures due to inclement weather. These are all things over which we have no control. Now, for the third week, we are looking at another important and unavoidable obstacle that we might be able to overcome, but it just doesn't feel right to me. Not the overcoming part, but how we are having to go about being flexible and carry on with Plan B. I am not a leader or decision maker, but of course, me and my big mouth, I offered a suggestion which was not appropriate to what the needs are perceived to be next week. Personally, not a big deal. I'm more concerned with which study I will take, actually a source of confusion for me as I discern which one God wants me in, not the one that sounds like more fun. I digress...

So what's the real issue here? I don't know. I want to be self-indulgent and throw a fit and holler, "No!" when things don't go my way. I'm so befuddled I don't even know where to start in Scripture to address why my heart is so heavy for this ministry and even my own personal needs; I simply know that's where I will find balm for this wound.

Here's how the worship piece fits into this picture, however: the worship that has been part of our program seems to have been a real blessing to the ladies, from all the feedback I have heard. And it is so amazing to watch everyone at their various points of interaction and worship as we play. So I know we've been on the right track. As I sat down weeks ago to begin looking at the worship to be programmed, I poured over music, playing for hours and really soaking in the words, the tempo, all of the various ways I work through this process. I gathered together songs that really seemed to meet the needs of a group of women whose ages, life experiences, and preferences are quite varied and let them set and simmer for a while. In fact, I walked away for a week or so. As I sat back down with these songs, I really began to sense where they were leading. And the last song in particular was a real shocker for me. I felt a distinct urging that people needed to hear this one, and I needed to offer Jesus to people specifically through this song. This is not something that is comfortable or natural for me to do in public, but it seemed so timely. It was a call to come -- to Christ, to minister to each other, to grow in the Word, to fellowship.

This womens' ministry has so much potential to reach and nurture so many people. There are some amazing women of God who are already involved and have been such a blessing to get to know. The people I hear scoff this group or who come a time or two (and this does not apply to everyone, obviously) usually blow it off as irrelvant to them, they'd rather be involved in something with ladies their own age, etc. It's like they don't see Jesus standing there, hand open and extended, waiting for them to simply walk with him. What they see is people who don't look like them, who are not at the same stage of life as them, or maybe other things that I'm not even aware of and they think, "I've got better things to do." You know, we could all use one more day of quiet and solitude around the house after kids and spouses take off to embark on their days. Who doesn't have a laundry list of things they could do to occupy their time, meaningful things?

One of the reasons this is an issue so near and dear to my heart is because I know what this ministry, and the women who have yoked up alongside me from it, has meant in my life. The presence of God has never been more real in my life than the times I have been spiritually nourished by my involvement here and uplifted by the forever-friends I have made as a result. It is one of the few things in my life that I really feel motivated to put a lot of effort into outside of things that directly support my children's school or my husband's job. I really feel strong about this.

I feel so strongly about this that I know it's probably super annoying to many people. But to say no to this feels in my heart like people are saying, "Jesus, when you've got the right people gathered, with the right programs for me (or my kids or my spouse), when it jives with my schedule, I'll be there."

That being said, let's look at what's more likely the reality of the situation.

You've got to have relevance if you want to keep people involved in an organization. You do have to be able to meet their needs, or at least be working toward it. (Which I think we are.) You do have to make things easily accessible and available, otherwise it's not just a burden on someone's schedule -- it can put undue stress on children, marriages, and so on. And there is a 100% likelihood that the Holy Spirit might be calling this person into fellowship or service elsewhere.

As a person who has been involved with worship, planning worship, serving with ministries and church leaders, and a good old fashioned congregant sitting in the pews, I can tell you the two things that grab attention: music and programs. Does the music sound good, and is there something being offered that appeals to me? Those are pretty basic needs or requirements for people. I am not in charge of the studies that are offered. The only thing I impact is the worship. All we can do as leaders of this ministry is try to meet these ladies' needs and pray that they will be moved to continue on their faith journey alongside us.

So where, then, does this leave me? And what have I solved by posting this?

Same place I started. And not a darned thing.

So I will start back at Square One. Maybe this is a huge "NOT YET" for me to grasp. Who knows. All I know is that there is a God, and I'm not him. In the meantime, enjoy this amazing, powerful song.

Chosen

I had all these sweet, lovely plans for this blog, #200. You would think I had developed a sense of grace or style over the previous 199 blogs, but I must admit I'm feeling a little guilty for yesterday's uninhibited flow of mental chum that had built up to the point of bursting. The fact of the matter is that I am such a work in progress that it's not even funny. I feel inadequate to preach any sermons or give advice when I should deal with the plank in my own eye first. That being said, let's move on to bigger and brighter things!

We found out a little before Thanksgiving that God has blessed us with another baby, and by now I'm just over 11 weeks pregnant. We were feeling a little gun shy after having miscarried in early September and decided to wait until the end of the first trimester to say much of anything about it to anyone besides our parents. Well, we made it to 11 weeks which is still technically the first trimester, but it's still further than the last pregnancy had progressed.

I'll admit: I've had a nasty case of paranoia this time around. Some might say that's not abnormal considering I recently miscarried. I feel like I might be a little bit crazy but am so hopeful that we actually get to meet this child this time. I know that I am taking care of myself, probably better than I ever have before, so 99% of this is in God's hands. I prayed some time ago that, whenever God chose to bless us again with another baby, that I would have every possible pregnancy symptom so that I would know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I was pregnant and could always tell that I hadn't miscarried again. Ladies and gentlemen, I am thrilled to report that we serve a faithful God who really does answer prayer! I've had morning sickness (which I've never experienced before) and worse acne than any teenager could ever imagine. While these and other symptoms have been uncomfortable and not something I really want to experience, I'm really trying to keep a positive attitude about it and not complain. If I'm still enduring all these symptoms, I know that I am still pregnant and prayer is answered.

This was such an exciting thing to finally be able to share with Li'l G and Bud. We were having chocolate cake one afternoon, and we put a candle on my piece. The kids were very curious as to whose candle it was and why there was only one. R. asked them who in our family was so little that they were close to being one year old. They didn't quite get it, so we asked who in our family had not celebrated their first birthday yet. Of course, they both thought it was the dog, who truthfully has not celebrated her first birthday yet. However, we said that there was a new baby on the way who was going to be the youngest member of the family! They were so thrilled. To top it all off, I pointed out to Bud, who leads our family in all the mealtime prayers, that he had prayed before every meal, every day since the miscarriage, for God to send us another baby, and look what had happened as a result! Talk about a real-life teachable moment! Li'l G immediately smiled and closed her eyes, tossed back her sweet head, and shouted, "Thank you, LORD!" Pretty amazing kids.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately about many subjects, but my thoughts have especially been with my kids. Bud has had some weird, chronic stomach pain going on three months, and Li'l G has had trouble falling asleep lately. Nothing big, just things that tug on a mother's heart. As I was drying my hair the other day, noticing how physically I have already begun changing, I was conversating with God. I feel a little guilty calling it praying. I really feel as though I've got God on speakerphone on my iPhone, and I just pick it up and chat with God as I go through my day. At any rate, I was mulling over these things and really at a loss for how best to help my children and telling God that today, as with every other day, I lifted them up. In fact, I give them up to God daily. I realized just after giving birth to Li'l G that I am beyond blessed that God chose me to be their natural mother, but that God is their Heavenly Father who can love them more completely than I ever could, who will always be near to them when I am far away, who can watch over and protect them, guard their hearts and cover their little ears, guide them down the right paths in life, and so on. To me, they are on loan from God. They are God's creations, not mine, and it is my distinct privilege to be their mother. During this conversation, I realized that I had been chosen once more to bring another little life into the world, to nurture and love him or her, to raise this child and help them grow into an adult who will thrive and be a blessing to others. I know this is a massive stretch, but it did make me think about Mary, the mother of Jesus. She and I are both human and therefore sinful by nature, yet both of us were chosen to be stewards of a precious little life. Now, Mary's child and mine may not exactly be comparable, but Jesus did not only belong to Mary. She was called to give birth to Jesus, nurture and love him throughout his days, and you know a part of her saw her child as Jesus was beaten, suffering and dying. As a mother I can't begin to know the depths of her human pain. I know how much it hurts to see my children in any kind of pain, but her experience was on such a different level. It just makes me think how blessed it is to bear life into this world. And thinking about parents who may not be birth parents, I believe they are still chosen by God to be that particular child's parents and stewards in this life. You don't have to have devoted DNA to someone to have been chosen. And that is truly a holy honor.

Let The Airing of Grievances Begin!

I tell ya, I have been on a real tear now for a while. Every five minutes yesterday I picked up my phone to tweet about something that was really gettin' under my skin, but thankfully I listened to my conscience and reconsidered, lest I post something that was just rude and cranky. But I realized as the day progressed that I may not be the only person out here who feels this way, and sometimes a good rant is just in order. I really am not angry about anything, just a little irritated here and there. Kinda like sporadic diaper rash or something, I don't know. There are just a few grievances I'd like to get out in the open. In the spirit of Festivus, as Mr. Constanza would say, let the grievances begin!

First of all, if you haven't seen the Festivus clips from "Seinfeld," here ya go:

If you are a "Seinfeld" fan, you will find this hysterical; otherwise, skip it. Let's hit it!

SUZANNE SOMERS

This is really what got it all started for me yesterday. I had come home from a walk and working in the yard and was changing clothes in my room. It is my habit to turn on the local NBC affiliate in the morning to check news and weather, and I must have left the TV on after I went downstairs to get on with my day. Either way, "Live With Regis and Kelly" was on, which I normally miss since the TV is normally off by that time of day. Suzanne Somers was the guest, and she was promoting a book she recently "wrote". It FLOORED me how this movie star was going on and on about how she sits in restaurants and criticizes people. She claimed that, if a person has a puffy face, then you know they are gluten intolerant. Really, Dr. Somers? I'm gluten intolerant? Oh, wait a minute... I'M PREGNANT! Maybe my lower abdominal swelling is due to the presence of strains of candida replicating out of control in my rotten gut like you suggest... Oh, wait yet another minute... That would be MY BABY. Wow, too bad you spent all that time and money on medical school to incorrectly diagnose my puffy face and bloated gut... Oh, wait yet another minute... you HAVEN'T attended medical school! That's right! I just wanted to barf (not morning sickness) as she proceeded to condescend to Seth Meyers and Kelly Ripa and the audience about all the ills of our diets, lifestyles, ad nauseum. If you go to her website and blog, you get more of her edicts from on high about hormones, the crappy food we eat, and basically how the medical community is a bunch of three year-olds playing dress up and wearing adult-sized stethoscopes. In her blog she quotes all sorts of medical journals and articles. I would do a Man v. Food chili dog challenge if she has read even 5% of the articles she quotes. If she wants me to take her seriously, then she needs to go to school, pay her dues, and put "M.D." after her name. Until then, she can go sit with Sean Penn and Woody Harrelson in a corner booth at an exclusive Hollywood dive and bore them to death. I mean, where on earth would we be without these theatrical prophets in the wilderness?!?

DOGS THAT POOP ON CARPET

Does this really need explanation? I am at the end of my rope dealing with my dog and her psychotic bowels. Just because you smell a place where you had a LEGITIMATE accident four months ago does not give you free reign to drop it like it's hot on the stairs. Ever.

POLITICAL WARFARE IN THE MEDIA

OK, guys, are we seriously turning the tragedy in Arizona into a Sarah Palin story? I think most of us could've told you over 225 years ago that there were going to be radicals reacting to the passionate, extreme rhetoric we hear in the political arenas. People died at the hands of a young man who smiled like a demon in his mug shot. I'd really rather focus on the stories of the lives impacted than a) give this guy any more media attention or b) turn this into partisan politics and finger pointing.

On one hand, looking at the current state of politics in our nation, a part of me really loves the fact that people are getting hot and bothered and pushing back. It reminds me of famous quotes from history, such as, "Give me liberty or give me death!" which are an indelible part of our national fabric. It was these crazy, radical individuals that dumped the tea into Boston Harbor, wrapped their feet in wrags and fought the British in the snow, and penned the words to our national anthem. There is, however, too much of a good thing. Where is the line that is crossed between being patriotic and being a menace to society? That may seem like hyperbole, but in the retrospective light of history, it might not be. I loved hearing people get up at town hall meetings over the last year or two and talk over senators to be sure they got the point about the Obamacare situation. I love the fact that the voters have really turned things upside down in the last two elections. It gives me hope that this nation still has a pulse and really cares enough about its future to exercise its power at the polls. At the same time, too much of a good thing can be its own undoing. Why is it so offensive to talk politics amongst intelligent adult company? Because you might offend someone. Oh dear. If we could restore civility in our society at large, we would be able to have these coherent, respectful debates and still get somewhere without the gun imagery, crosshairs, name calling, eye rolling, and crazy madmen coming out of the woodwork. But in an age where road rage is more common that good manners, I guess we're going to have to either come to terms with the state of things or get off our butts and take our society back before the nutjobs run it into the ground. I won't even get started on the power of prayer here. This is enough of a righteous rant to begin with...

BATTLE HYMN OF THE TIGER MOTHER

This is actually a rave. I was so proud of this woman I could have kissed her square on the mouth. I will admit I've taken to watching "The Today Show" in the morning, partly because it's NYC hype and I live in this general part of the country now, and also because it comes on after my local news and weather go off in the morning during the pre-school routine. At any rate, I am fully aware of the left-wing tendencies of this show and tend to take it with a grain of salt; in fact, I do enjoy it most days. That being said, Meredith Viera interviewed a woman today who is Chinese and a mother of two daughters. This woman has written a book with the title shown above. In a nutshell, she talks about how her strict parenting can raise "perfect" kids. Now, we all know that kids stand as much chance at being perfect as we do at being called up personally by Hugh Hefner after giving birth to a couple of eight- or nine pounders and asked to be a centerfold. But I digress. What I loved was this: Meredith Viera was clearly trying to get this mother to admit that her parenting style was extreme and ineffective. This lady clearly articulated her beliefs and did not cave in to Viera's leading line of questioning, but rather stood her ground and further expanded on exactly what type of parenting practices she's talking about. She admitted to some failures with one of her daughters and talked about how much even her parenting has changed. Score One for mom right there. Here is the best part: the mother mentioned that she thought it was odd that everyone is calling this "Chinese parenting," when in her opinion, this used to be traditional Western parenting. BINGO! Game, set, match for Tiger Mom! She talked about how disrespectful children are allowed to behave, how little supervision they have, the unfettered liberties they are given, and the lack of clear boundaries that are supporting our kids making terrible choices in their lives -- drugs, alcohol, teenage pregnancy to name only a few. And the Today show definitely painted her to be the bad guy in how they worded things: no playdates, mandatory piano and violin lessons, no complaining, all A's on report cards and nothing less, etc. When she spoke, she talked about taking family bike rides and spending time together as a family; she was standing there next to her daughter supervising her piano practice. Just for a minute, let's have a show of hands: how many parents reading this right now usually drop off their child at a sports or music practice and either stay in the car or drive away to run errands, take another child to another activity, etc.? What I saw was a mother taking her family back from the influence of pop culture and pop culture parenting. Good.For.Her!

DEBATES ON FACEBOOK

Clearly, as evidenced on this blog today and many other times, I enjoy a lively reparte. Sometimes I may stir things up just to make conversation interesting, but more times than not I am speaking about something that has caused me personal conviction, I have a unique personal experience, or so on. The debates I have seen over relatively trivial issues on Facebook blows my mind! Case in point: Sing4Joy posted something the other day about getting rid of a Tempurpedic bed. Someone immediately suggested the evil Sleep Number mattress. The debate that ensued was nothing short of passionate. I clearly saw more than one person seeming to be huffy that others were posting negative reviews of this product and preferred something else over it. Really? Seriously?!? Of course I added my two cents' worth to the mix. My experience was that I had slept on the dreaded Sleep Number mattress the night before a ten mile race and woke up feeling as if I had been beaten up and down my spine with baseball bats all night. I was stiff and almost sore, kind of like I thought I would feel after running ten miles but not prior to said event. One of the pro-Sleep Number postees inquired ever so gently, "Are you sure it wasn't nerves? Most people have problems with nerves before big races." (or something to that effect). Really?!? I had no idea. Thank you for identifying that problem for me. I have never entered an athletic event before, nor have I ever experienced pre-event jitters. Wow. Thanks. Definitely could not have been the $5,000 AIR MATTRESS I was sleeping on. Definitely not.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

I'm going to end this blog with a rave and stick up for another underdog. I was listening to one of my favorite local radio stations on this new iPhone app I picked up for $0.99 (best ninety-nine cents I've ever spent!) and there was a commercial for their lunchtime flashback hour. They play '80s hits over the lunch hour and the commercial had this lady talking about all the glory of the '80s, like when "Saturday Night Live" was still funny. You know, I've had about enough of hearing this, and I'm fairly certain many of the actors over the last twenty years have had it, too. We have seen some real comedic talent come out of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, or the comedic cast of SNL. Show of hands: how many of you agree with the lady in the commercial? OK, put your hands down if you think Will Farrell, Adam Sandler, Tracy Morgan and Jimmy Fallon are at all entertaining. What about Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Cheri Oteri, Molly Shannon, or Ana Gasteyer? These men and women are actually quite good at what they do, and if you watch more often than every five years, it's easy to see what each person's strength is. Many of these actors have developed characters that are just as popular as Roseanne Rosannadanna or the Coneheads. Do the Spartan cheerleaders or Mary Katherine Gallagher come to mind? Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig are some of the funniest ladies I've seen lately as well. True, the writing for the show has had its ups and downs over the years, but overall the actors are pretty darned good. If you have ever liked SNL in the past and have stopped watching it because it's not as funny as it used to be when you were about 13, do yourself a favor and watch it again for the next several weeks. You might be surprised that you see some really good stuff going on there. Personally I find this a lot more entertaining that many of the other options on TV these days, but then again I'm hard to please. No way!!!

Now that the airing of grievances is over, on to the Feats of Strength, George!

Backpacking Through Joshua -- Week One

So the much-awaited day has finally come! Today kicked off an in-depth online Bible study of the Book of Joshua written by HisGirl, "Backpacking Through Joshua". I quickly wolfed down my lunch, got my Bible, my handy-dandy four colored pen, and curled up on the couch for some time in the Word.

We are taking this chapter by chapter. I decided to use my NRSV (New Revised Standard Version) New Oxford Annotated Bible for this study. I froth with pure delight at the thought of how rich the Old Testament is, and this particular version was a useful resource during my parish lay ministry classes. It's almost as though you have the benefit of picking a seminarian's brain if you desire commentary and the ability to simply read sans the linguistic flourishes (thee, thou, mayest, etc.), and modern "spin" (i.e., The Message). Like taking Biblical text, washing it with soap and warm water, letting it air dry, and you've gotten any residue off that may cloud what you're seeing. What I plan on doing is reading through each week in my NRSV and then looking at it again through another version, probably NKJV (New King James Version) or NLT (New Living Translation). Personally I find it can be such a blessing to look at the same text through the lens of several translations, but for my inital read I'd like to keep it a little more academic. Because that's just how I roll.

So, I read through the introduction and devoured chapter one.

Now what?!?

That was too short! Anticlimactic!

Then again, I have this problem in life as a general rule. Rather than being more deliberate, letting things sink in, or pondering upon things, I seem to constantly in a state of hyper-stimulation, hence the "now what" mentality. What the good LORD has been trying to show me for years now is that I need to put on the brakes and coast a while. I love how HisGirl has been encouraging us to not feel pressured to sit down and do this all in one sitting; rather, we can work through this at a slower pace and truly ruminate over what the Holy Spirit wants us to take away from this time spent in the Word. Another word I find myself using a lot so far this year is savor: there are so many things I want to take the time to savor in my life, lest they slip by, precious days and experiences never to be had again. I want to savor these words and value every one of them, so I will resist the temptation to work ahead or be in a hurry.

ASKING GOD

Each week we will have several questions to ponder. This week's questions:

1) What does this passage tell me about Your character?

2) Is there anything keeping me from being able to do what You're calling me to do? In what area(s) can I improve? Observing the law? Meditating on the Word? Getting moving?

3) Do I truly believe God is faithful? Do I believe He will not fail me or forsake me? Does my behavior reflect this? Why or why not?

My responses:

1) As chapter one opens, God is speaking directly to Joshua. God gives him exact, direct instructions about what he is to do and how he is to do it. God reminds him of the promises made to Moses about providing a home land. This tells me that there will be times when God will speak clearly and directly in our lives. Furthermore, God reassures Joshua at least three times to be strong and courageous. This tell me that God is our number one fan, cheering us on and giving us the pep talk we need sometimes to get up and get going! Lastly, God reminds Joshua that God will be faithful to him. Just like a parent asking their child to jump to them in the pool, God reminding Joshua of God's solidarity and reliability in v. 5b. Some versions say that God will never leave or forsake; some say fail or abandon. Either way, God is clearly here to stay.

2) In which area can improve? Uh, hello -- ALL of them! The one I most readily see and to which I fully admit is meditating on the Word. I have not been involved in a Bible study -- a truly thirst-slaking, enriching delving into Scripture -- since my parish lay ministry studies, and then it was so cerebral and academic that it was almost, well, I won't say faith-shaking, but at times muddling or confusing. It was great stuff academically, but sometimes that is a fine line to walk, and it can have long-term effects on beliefs. I digress. I finally got back into PWOC, but it was more of a study of Christian living. The points were good in the study book, but I found less and less time to devote to proper study and it fell by the wayside. Maybe I'm also falling short on getting moving, as in getting motivated to be disciplined about being consistent and setting aside reading/study time. It's my prayer that the level of accountability with this study will aide me in working in this area.

3) In a word, yes, yes, and mostly yes. Now let's unpack this:

Basically, yes, I do believe that God is faithful. If you've read more than one post on this blog, you understand that I have personal experience with God in this category. When I step back from the timeline that is my life and look for God's fingerprints of faithfulness on it, I can clearly see them everywhere. But up close and on the day-to-day level, it's not always so easily to acknowledge. I feel like major scum admitting this "out loud," but I am trying to be completely transparent here. I struggled for days/weeks/months/maybe even years with this concept after T. died, and even occasionally since then. I need to remind myself to step back and look for those fingerprints of faithfulness more often and appreciate the regularity with which they occur. And be thankful.

Basically, yes, I do believe that God will not leave me or forsake me. For some reason this concept is much easier for me to accept. Even though it was hard to feel thrilled about what was supposed to be God's faithfulness even when life was fairly miserable, I never once doubted God's presence and knowledge of my life, my heart, my situation. Even in the depths of grief and bewilderment I never felt alone. True, there have been times when God felt farther away than others, but that was mostly on my part. I would withdraw and be distant, but God was still -- always -- there, waiting. Being patient. Not demanding of my love, my attention, my time. Just waiting. As my icy heart would thaw, I would finally seek God again, sometimes in relief and joy, sometimes tucking my tail between my legs in remorse. I may have left/forsaken/abandoned, but God never did that to me. Not once. Not even when I deserved it. That is such a sweet, humbling thought to me...

As far as my behavior goes, I said mostly yes but I couldn't say that absolutely for sure. I know how I feel deep down in the core of Me, and I know that core will not change. That makes it easy for me to say, Why certainly my life reflects this! Isn't it obvious?!?, when to the casual observer, or maybe even close friend, my life may seem completely incongruent to what I truly believe. I think for me, the times during which my behavior has appeared to lack in this area, my beliefs never changed, but trying to express those beliefs from a place of grief, confusion, overwhelmedness (is that even a word?), or stress has not been particularly successful for me. I know and believe that Satan preys on us in our weaknesses and at our lowest points, and we become very reactive. When you're in that state of being reactive, that does not really reflect a heart that knows God and trusts God to be faithful. That doesn't reflect a trust that God is the reliable One about whom we read in places like Joshua 1. This is a constant, daily gut check for me. I do believe I've moved to a place in my life (again) where I need to hear these things, and I am receptive of these promises and can truly appreciate the fact that I know from experience that they are true.

PUTTING IT OUT THERE

This last section is the part truly meant for discussion in the groups. Two questions:

1) What made you decide to join this adventure? What do you hope will come from the study?

2) In what ways have you found God to be faithful recently? If you have a hard time answering this, why do you think that is?

My responses:

1) I've sort of answered this already -- see answers to #2 and #3. Really, my life has been lacking this deep, meaty substance in the spiritual category. I don't want to just be labeled, "Christian," "Lutheran," "PWOCer," etc. Labels, like covers of books, can be deceiving and not truly represent what you find on the inside. Just like human relationships, I believe that a relationship with God takes a little work on our part -- we can't cultivate a relationship with someone unless we avail ourselves to them, and so it is with God. I'm at a time in my life where I need to restore this relationship a) because I know I need to and it's a priority to me, plain and simple, and b) because I believe, for me, that it is risky to take a single step in life without having the assurance of a relationship with my God.

2) There are any number of ways I could answer this. The absolute best way I have found recently will probably be one of my next blogs...

And so I wrap up my reflections on Week One. I cannot wait to see what this study has in store for myself and all of the other ladies who have committed to participate. I'm really looking forward to reading all of their reflections and responses to see the Holy Spirit working in their lives and wonder how some of their experience might impact my life at some point. Either way, this promises to be an exciting, insightful journey!

My favorite verse from this week: "...As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you." -- Joshua 1:5b

Looking Behind, Forward, and Within

So I meant to write a sort of "2010 in review" type blog on New Year's Eve, but things were crazy busy as we were preparing to have friends over to help us ring in 2011. I want to put 2010 on the shelf and open up the books on 2011, so let's take a stroll down Amnesia Lane, shall we?

LOOKING BEHIND -- 2010

1. Natural Disasters. 2010 was a hallmark year for Mother Nature, don't you think? The earthquake that hit Haiti almost a year ago is still big news as cholera and hurricanes pummel this forlorn place. There have been equally beautiful and disgusting stories that have emerged from Haiti, and I for one hope that God spares these people for a few generations. Wow.

Not too long after that we had other major earthquakes that threatened places like Hawai'i with tsunamis half a world away, that crazy volcano erupted in Iceland and threw air travel amuck, and then, as if Louisiana hasn't been smacked around enough, the Deepwater Horizon oil well began belching crude into the Gulf of Mexico. I don't think the human mind can actually comprehend numbers over about 100 or 200 sometimes. Just to think about the amount of water in the Gulf of Mexico is completely mind numbing, but to think about the volume of oil lost in the Gulf -- and the potential revenue at the gas pump -- also blows my cogs asunder. And as much as Hollywood loves to put depressing songs to video clips of oil-drenched pelicans and scold us for not being greener, I think the only people with a real grasp of what this oil spill really means for this ecosystem are the scientists. People, the real horror has probably not even yet begun.

2. H1N1. Remember when we were all worried about this? And all of a sudden there was a shortage of vaccines? I think the scariest part was the number of school aged children who actually died as a result of this virus. As a parent, it is so scary when your kids get something like a virus. You have to wait for some of these things to run their course, and I do not care for things I cannot control. Bud actually got H1N1, but we caught it in time and he did not develop some of the scary symptoms that others had. Close enough of a call for me!

3. Major sports events. Uh, were there Olympics last year? I remember, as a kid, this was such a big deal. I really don't remember this even being on last year. Apparently they were in Canada, which could explain it. I don't keep up much with Canada I guess. Add to that list the World Cup, which apparently took place in Africa. All I remember was people complaining about vuvuzelas and an octopus that was consistently picking the winners of matches. Guess I don't keep up with Africa, either.

4. Facebook. HELLO! This is something with which I have some knowledge! Finally! Facebook has been around since 2004, but it really seemed to reach its stride this year. Anyone who's anyone has a Facebook page. Even businesses are utilizing this as a way to promote themselves. I think it is nothing short of a miracle, although I can certainly understand how it can be used for negative purposes. In my life, it has been a significant blessing. People who are near and dear to me would otherwise be lost to the world of military moves and scattered to the four winds, possibly never to be heard from again. To be able to keep in touch with great friends, keep family updated with pictures of the kids, and to reconnect with people I haven't seen or heard from in years has been such a blessing to me. If this site were to ever disappear, I cannot imagine how heartbreaking that would be to be reduced to trying to scramble for all those email addresses or *gasps* snail mail addresses. Oh yeah, and add iPhone 4 and iPad to this list of amazing technology.

5. Lady GaGa, Justin Beiber, Snooki, et. al. Seriously?

6. The Hashtag (#). What the heck is this all about? Everyone does it. Why? I'm thinking I could live without this.

7. Personal life changes. Geez, where do I even start?!? I thought 2005 was a hallmark year of change for my family and me. I'm starting to think that year was easy compared to 2010. Given, I went through a devasating loss in 2005, but when you just look at pure stressors in life, death of a spouse or child is the top human stressor, and marriage is only six steps down. Amazing! 2010 held for me planning a wedding and getting married, buying a house and moving to a part of the country in which I had never been before, buying a new car and making the 2400 mile trek to said house by myself with the kids, getting pregnant and having a miscarriage (and this story has continued to evolve), trying to adjust to being married, getting a dog, and attempting to figure out who I am at this stage in life. All I know is that, even as much as the good Lord has thrown at me and as much as I prayed that would, in fact, be thrown at me, somehow I've survived with a generally positive outlook. I am completely convinced that I have been borne on wings of prayer by my friends and family, who have never wavered in their love and support for my family and me and without whom my life would be incomplete.

ENOUGH OF 2010! Let's peek ahead at 2011 and what's going on in my world:

1. TDY and deployment. It's a necessary evil in the lives of military personnel and their families. I know we will see our fair share, and all I can say is the sooner we get it started the sooner it is over. It seems like there's a constant revolving door of friends whose spouses are getting ready to go, those who are in the middle of deployment, and those who are cleaning their houses and shaving their legs on their way out the door to welcome someone home. At least this is one aspect of life that never seems to change.

2. Backpacking Through Joshua. I have signed up for an online study written by none other than HisGirl. I pray that I will have the discipline to see this study through. It is a long study but seems to be broken up into quite manageable segments. I'll say this -- there is no foreseeable good reason why I should not be able to make this a priority and learn and grow immensely from it. But isn't this a little like purchasing a gym membership before the new year? They say that it takes a month to form a habit, and I can tell you from experience it can take about 48 hours to destroy a good habit. The only person here who can keep me motivated to uphold my commitment is the Almighty. I know and trust that there are some serious blessings waiting to be had if only I will trust and obey.

3. Simplify. I have this intuition that this is going to be a do-or-die situation for me. I am tired of living life feeling like I'm running late, doing things just barely in time, only "making ends meet". The house we live in is large (for me), but not so large that I feel like it's worth the money to have someone come in to clean on a regular basis. I know I wrote as recently as last November about wanting to be like Abigail or the Proverbs 31 woman, and I know that's a tall order for any woman. All I want is for my countertops to be uncluttered, the bills to be paid and the laundry done, the bathrooms to be clean, the floors to be clean, and meals to be homecooked, nutritious, and easy to make and clean up. I want our closets to be full but not bursting, our pantry to be well-stocked but not have so much junk that it's falling off the shelves, and there to be systems of organization that are easy for every member of the family to be responsible to keep up with and not just me coming behind them all after they depart for the day's battles. What good is organization if it's not easy enough to do on a daily basis? As we hope to grow our family from a family of four to five or maybe even six, we've got to do more with less. Less stuff, less time, less money. Maybe I should add the word "efficiency" to "simplify".

4. Time to look inward. This is really an extension of numbers two and three. I want to be involved less out of the home and more in the home. I will be involved in the online Bible study, as well as my usual PWOC study commitment. I love to read but never have time to finish anything. I've decided that changes.effective.immediately. There is a book club I plan on joining this month, and I'm reading, "The Disappearing Spoon And Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World From the Periodic Table of the Elements," by Sam Kean. Looks crazy cool. I will still be involved in PWOC and volunteer at the kids' school, but other than that I want to have a cozy place to sit down with a book, a guitar, or a computer keyboard. Or better yet get out when the weather begins to change and get my garden up and running. Either way, I desperately need the pace to be slower this year.

5. Something big is brewing... I think I'm going to leave this as a teaser, but I can guarantee you that, when it makes its appearance, it will be BIG. At least, the first two were... Hmmmm...

I leave you now with the verse for 1 JAN on my eternal calendar, a great reminder to start each and every year with. Many blessings to you and yours for 2011!

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " -- Jeremiah 29:11